memphisman1

I have been married for about 12 years now and my wife and i have four children - 11 (girl), 9, 5, and 4 (all boys). We got married young (both 20) and I found out 2 months in that 1.) she was sleeping with my best friend during our dating/engagement and 2.) she had a one last fling of intercourse with a few guys before the wedding. What a way to start your marriage, while cleaning up her bedroom making space for my things. Anyway, I was devastated by this, and one day in 1998 ran into a childhood church friend who I would consider my first teenage love who at that time was also in a bad relationship. We spoke of how our lives had gone in two separate directions and stated that if things were different we may have dated more to explore our relationship as we got our of high school. She was two years younger than me so when I was 18 she was still 16 (enough said - we never pursued anything). We said our goodbyes then and I never saw her again.....that is until the other day (I'll get to that below).

Anyway, back to my wife. During our 12 year marriage I can count 1 (my friend), 2 (Frank), 3 (Harold), 4 (Frank again - they never broke it off as she promised), 4 (the guy who has a striking resemblance to my son - who I still love to death regardless), 5 (MySPace emotional affair), 6 (Jerry - the guy who she worked with who accidentally kissed her in my car) 7 - and the final straw (a thuggish looking fellow - no offense - she met on Facebook and asked that they keep their relationship as much a secret as possible). She swears that every affair was emotional only and states that there was nothing that I was doing or not doing emotionally, physically, or financially to cause her to become distracted. I was "flattered" when she told me that I was all she needed physically. She said that I treated her like a child, but she also agreed that I had to ask her over and over to clean up the house - especially if company was coming over, please take a bath daily, improve how she handled her feminine hygiene disposals, brush her teeth daily, comb her hair - especially if she was going out anywhere, things that a woman, a mother, and a wife would take pride in and already know. We have an 11 year old daughter who suffers from low self esteem because she sees her treat herself any kind of way. She says I constantly brought up her past affairs - but wouldn't you bring up the affairs if there were unanswered questions from affair (let's say) number 4 and just as I am letting my guards down and getting over it - there goes affair number 5 in my face - I'm right back where we left off and now there are even more unanswered questions and no trust. Her life is nothing but watching TV, staying the internet all night long and then sleeping all day....and if it wasn't for me, the kids would eat sandwiches for dinner 7 nights a week.....and she admits this but wants me to hold on to the marriage.

Anyway, this last emotional affair was the last straw for me. She went home to her parents and we plan to share custody of the kids. She is on medication for adult ADD and my in-laws do more of the care giving than she does so that is why I feel comfortable with them being there - plus I work full time and my work schedule requires that they be in someone else's care in the mornings. Out of coincidence I ran into my childhood friend from above the other day and as we were catching up on old times - trying not to make our lives seem too miserable to one another - and we both came to the realization that have been through the same thing - betrayal and mistrust - she wasnt married but in a committed 5 year relationship where he was abusive and left her with a newborn baby. We clicked instantly. My first time having a long talk with another woman in over ten years (ok...other than mom and Aunt Clare and my sisters) was AMAZING!!!!(remember Dan in Real Life, the talk in the bookstore). I can't stop thinking about her, and I wonder if I should try to rekindle the friendship at least for a while - until I can sort out how to end my marriage. What are the odds that she will come back into my life at this time at that place, and have a geniune interest in me as well. I am mature enough not to fall head over heels in love, but I dont want to be a dummy and let her get away again. I don't care if we have to be friends for 5 years - I dont want to let her go. I want her to know that I am interested in talking to her more, dinner, DVDs at her house - nothing physical. If this had been any other time in my life I would have said good bye to her again and had the shoulda, coulda woulda's.

All advice is welcomed and appreciated.

sisters359

If you are sharing legal custody of the kids, aren't you legally separating? Why not? My counselor told me legal separation is precisely the time to begin exploring other relationships. Obviously, you need to decide about your marriag before taking that emotional step--once you let yourself get attached, the marriage won't be able to compete with the new attachment. So decide if y ou want to try to recover your marriage and then act on what you decide. Remember, though, you are really vulnerable right now--rekindling is different than starting an entirely new relationship, so maybe being vulnerable isn't such a bad thing in this case.

Deejo

End the relationship you are in, before starting a new one.

Talk. Reconnect. Determine in a measured way if you both actually do want to explore a relationship - but don't jump in the deep end. You will both be doing a disservice to what you could be.

Also, do you have evidence of her affairs? I'm pretty sure that adultery (beyond a reasonable doubt) still counts for something in determining the outcome of separation or divorce proceedings.

I have never been one to 'hang somebody out to dry.' But, sometimes that is the very thing that needs to happen. Don't let your wife continue to victimize you.

Sprite

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Im sorry but this is a pattern you dont deserve to keep reliving over and over and over again.

I agree with the others...you need to do something about the comited relationsip you are in now before you can move on to another. You don't want the new one to be a "rebound" relationship. Just be careful!