Here's my story. We have been married for 21 years. We have 2 daughters, 16 and 20. He moved out in March. We have had daily contact since he moved out. Mostly text messages but getting together for dinner once a week. I thought we were communicating about some of the issues we have and rebuilding things but he says he's not sure what the future holds for us. When we get together I get hugs and kisses. Last week he went to a lawyer to start divorce paperwork but he says we can always cancel it. When we went to our first marriage counseling session last week he told the counselor that he realized in the last week he doesn't love me. At that point the counselor looked at me and told me I should start moving on. (what bull****) After counseling we went to our cars and he gave me red roses. He got really mad when I asked him why he gave me roses if he doesn't love me. He said I always make him feel bad for doing nice things and that we can only have contact at counseling (but he's willing to go). Yesterday was Mother's Day and my daughters were taking me to dinner. I sent H a message saying, "I wish you weren't so mad at me. I would love for you to go to dinner with us." he responded right away with "where, what time". He met us for dinner and we all had a really nice time. Again, I got a hug and kiss when he left. I'm so confused what to do. I am not looking forward to receiving the divorce papers this week. I plan on stalling that as long as possible.
Does he have someone else? That I Love You but I'm Not In Love With You...that's crap...and it usually means there is someone else and he wants to test the water with them while keeping you anchored just off shore so you can't see the bow...
He has been texting buddies with his massage therapist for a few months. He says they are just friends. I think he has been "testing the waters" by talking to women in the bar. One I'm pretty sure he started a texting friendship with. I also just found his yahoo personal ad. I don't know if I should just give up and move on. He is willing to go to counseling but I can't figure out which direction he wants it to go. Is he going so we can split amicably or so we can get back together. He doesn't want me to text him anything personal like "I miss you" or anything like that. He says he's happy now. But he definitely is giving me mixed signals.
Sorry to hear about your situation, but it's time for you to develop a backbone. Please read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson, it can cetainly help you.
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"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
Ask him this question: "What do you want?"
Not a complex question. If he doesn't know - set some ground rules. Doing so, will actually make you more attractive.
If 'what he wants' isn't you - then tell him to cut the crap. He's sending mixed messages. You don't give your wife a rose and a peck on the cheek if you are planning on divorcing.
My hunch is that he is involved, but is also hedging his bet with you.
He is likely confused, but that does not give license to make a bad situation worse.
Like my dad always used to say; "sh!t or get off the pot."
This same behavior occurred with my ex. Her original answer to the question was; "I don't know." I don't know stopped being ok when she continued to see TOM.
Ask him this question: "What do you want?"
Not a complex question. If he doesn't know - set some ground rules. Doing so, will actually make you more attractive.
If 'what he wants' isn't you - then tell him to cut the crap. He's sending mixed messages. You don't give your wife a rose and a peck on the cheek if you are planning on divorcing.
My hunch is that he is involved, but is also hedging his bet with you.
He is likely confused, but that does not give license to make a bad situation worse.
Like my dad always used to say; "sh!t or get off the pot."
This same behavior occurred with my ex. Her original answer to the question was; "I don't know." I don't know stopped being ok when she continued to see TOM.
He wants something or maybe feels like something is missing, but can't seem to tell you what it is. Flat out ask him. Tell him he is giving mixed signals and you don't know what to think when he does things like give you roses, while the divorce papers are being written up.
I would ask him, but I'm not supposed to be talking to him except @ counseling per his request. We couldn't get into a counseling appointment until next week. He didn't text me goodnight last night but he did text me good morning this morning. Sheesh... this is so hard. Sometimes I question weather it would be easier just to go through the divorce and try to move on.
Was this 'no speaking' policy instituted by your counselor, or by him? Either way, it's crap.
If him ... break that policy. If he challenges you, tell him he is being a coward. See how that goes over.
My sense is, that this guy knows he has control of the situation, and you have handed it to him. So go ahead and take it back. It is your life as well, after all.
WOW, I totally agree with Deejo. How the hell are you supposed to work at it if you arent allowed to talk to him outside of counceling? That is totally unacceptable and unreasonable!
Boy! All of that sounds like my life last year. My ex to be went to a couple of counseling sessions (to get an amicable divorce). What a bunch of crap! He had someone on the side all along. He simply wanted both worlds--his mistress and ALL of his money. Take a good look at everything. Moving on may not be such a bad idea. If I had moved on last year, I would be in a much better place now.
Well, I didn't text/talk to him Monday-Wednesday. Yesterday I tried to send a chatty text and he ignored it. I asked if it was okay that I text him and he said yes, just no questions. Later in the day I tried one more time to send a chatty text and he ignored it. We have counseling scheduled for next Thursday but I'm thinking the writings on the wall and I should just get a lawyer. This hurts so incredibly much!!!
This sounds very familiar! You are getting the mixed messages. However, your husband is out of the house.
I also think the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" is a load of crap! Either you do or don't. I am also a fan of "sh_t or get off the pot."
You can leave it up to fate, but if he wants a divorce try to settle how you want the kids handled and any assets before you meet with attorneys. If that's not possible, you get a consult and see what you are in for....
He's having his cake and eating it too. This man doesn't love you or respect you. The writing is on the wall honey. It says "GET OUT NOW AND FILE FOR DIVORCE." I know it's hard but time to cut this loser loose. Good Luck.
Separated- What would you do?
