09-06-2012, 10:34 AM
Join Date: Sep 2012
| | The day the ring came off
I initially planned to post this as a response to the
"When did you stop wearing your wedding ring" post but it seems too long and too much about other stuff, so I decided to make a new thread.
I first read this thread a couple of days ago, because my wife wanted us to separate about a month or so ago, and I was wondering if I should be wearing my ring or not while separated.
I didn't want the separation at the time but felt I had no recourse since for a lot of practical reasons it doesn't make sense for us to divorce right now. I felt my only two choices were to agree or to say no which in my mind meant an imminent divorce. And I asked, and made it clear it was important to me, if we could agree to live separately, but not see other people. Actually we were already living apart since we had agreed that she would accept a temporary position overseas for her job. I thought a separation could be us basically deciding we were friends and not man and wife and seeing what that felt like. She said that it would not work for her since she needed to feel totally free to be able to find out whatever she needed to find out. This all happened when I was visiting her last month where she is working.
We both came back to the states around the middle of August since I would be starting school again and she has allowances to come back home every couple of months. Coming back to our house and seeing all of the stuff that was ours was very hard for me. I don't think it was real overseas but coming back was devastating. We were in totally separate places as regards to our feelings about the marriage I think. It seemed like it was already over for her but not for me. I still hoped there would be a future for us even if it was as family if not man and wife.
Once I got back home and realized how I was feeling I told her basically that I was viewing the two weeks she would be here as a trial period or a beginner period or something to the separation and that if she started a romantic relationship with someone I could probably never forgive her, it would hurt me horribly, and it would destroy any chance we had in the future to be anything good to each other. She has said that what we had together was very important to her and what we have and could have in the future is very important to her.
So, back to the ring, I tried one night going to class without wearing my ring (she hasn't worn hers much for years for which there are some legitimate reasons but its still telling). I felt so bad without it. I felt guilty and conspicuous, ashamed and spent the time with my hand either in my pocket or hidden under the desk. I felt so relieved to put it back on.
Then came labor day when I picked her up from the airport. She had been visiting her sister and family over the holiday. I had tickets to join them but couldn't bring myself to go. I knew it would be bad and awkward for me and that would probably make it that way for everyone else too. We had dinner, watched a movie, (we were both living at home but she was in the guest room) and as it was around 11pm I figured it was off to bed for both of us. And then she says she is going over to see him.
He is a friend of hers and she told me over the summer that she had found herself beginning to have feelings for him and that was the reason we went to MC a couple of times over the summer. In MC she said her goal was to find out if she wanted to save the marriage, while I said my goal was to find out how to save it.
I knew she had dinner with him and done some other activities with a group of people which included him in the two weeks we were both back home. I don't remember when exactly, whether it was that night or later, but she said she hadn't planned to go see him and that she didn't even know if he would still be living here when she got back from visiting her sister. He is going to be moving soon to start a new job I think. So she leaves that night and I feel horrible but felt maybe she would just be going over to say goodbye and that they were friends and this separation hasn't been easy for her either and she needed to talk to someone.
So, I finally fall asleep around 4 am I think and she's still not home.
That's when I took my ring off.
And I put it somewhere she had to see it. The next morning she was in the guest room when I got up. At some point she said that morning 'I'm sorry I didn't come home last night'.
The past couple of days have been terrible for me but I haven't put my ring back on and feel perfectly natural not wearing it.
She flew back to her overseas job as planned the day after labor day. And for a while that day I kept hoping she hadn't slept with him (crazy I know), but she basically told me before she left that she had.
Wow, that was long, just had to get it out. We have been married for 12 years and together around 17 and we don't have any kids.
There are a lot of powerful and tragic stories on this website. I makes me sad to see what people can do to other people, especially ones they say they care about.