A little over 1 month ago, my husband left our 2 kids and I... he went to his mother's and didn't talk to me or the kids for a week. Finally on Easter he came back, with his mother and told us he wasn't coming home. Let me give a little background.
I am Bipolar, I have been unmedicated and without therapy for a year. That in itself is absolute HELL for me but I can't imagine how it is for him. He became addicted to an online MMO and I played so we had something to do. He wanted a baby so I went off my meds in order for us to have another child. HUGE mistake on my part but he agreed to it. I was saving up money in order to pay my Doctor bill (so I didn't have to ask him for it...) and get back on my meds because the pain was overwhelming (not physical, my moods.) After trying for about 6 months to save the money, I found out he was taking it. I snapped. I was depressed because I couldn't get pregnant, I was angry because he was always on his video game instead of being with me, I was tired and felt ill and I lost my temper. I yelled at him and told him to get out. He left and decided to never come back.
Later that night, I called everywhere looking for him. I was so scared that something happened to him. I cried for 2 weeks, my daughter had to be put into therapy and spent Easter in ER due to depression (she's 10 and that broke my heart.) My son won't leave my side, for any reason. My husband took all the money and most of our things to his mother's home and now the kids and I have to move. It's so scary trying to move and he is still the only man I love. I never cheated, lied, stole... I was always honest and faithful to him. I've been trying to talk to him but it's hard because he acts so cold and unemotional. This is the exact opposite of what he used to be. My husband is an amazing man, and having put up with me for 7 years had to be hard work. When I am medicated I am so much easier to deal with, and I'm not a crazy lady.
I keep holding onto hope, hope that he can see that I wasn't the only problem. After 3 years of being ignored and never asking him for anything, all I wanted was him to talk to me. I have seen him through alot, helped him with so much. I've poured my heart and soul into our relationship because I love him so much. Even though all this has happened, I have been trying to get him to go to Marriage Counseling but he always says, "It won't work." Am I doing it wrong? I'm not yelling at him when i talk to him, I'm just saying, "Please, you and I could fix this. I am going back on my medication and seeing my therapist again."
Also, as a note, our issues are NOT just us. We do have communication problems (as of late) but my grandmother is our landlord and she screwed us over alot. I defend him so much to her, and I know his current actions don't make him look like a saint in her eyes. Because I do defend him and I do try to mend things, my children and I are being forced to move. Let's just say my grandmother is an alcoholic and has mental issues she refuses to address.
What I want to know is, what do I do to make things right? How do I trust him again? Can you trust someone who left you without anything? I'm trying so hard and any help/advice is appreciated... Thank you.
So I was thinking I should update this. I have been trying to give him space and literally don't know what to do. He acts like he wants to come back then he goes into these rages. He'll argue with me over something I said, and I'm just trying to be nice. I had to go to my best friend's wedding yesterday and she got married in the same place I did, 3 years ago. I almost left because I couldn't stop crying. Instead I just dried my eyes and picked up my chin and stayed. That was probably the most painful thing I had to do since he said he was leaving.
He started yelling at me this past week because he said I was making it hard for him to see the kids. I haven't been trying to, I've been trying to get them to see him on time and on his terms. I've even started moving to a new place so he can see them without the stress of my grandmother being there. It just hurts because no matter what I do, it's not good enough. I've literally done everything I can in order to make things better for him and my children.... yet he still points his finger in my face and yells. I told him I was sorry for crying and making him feel bad (he told me to rot in hell after I asked him why he was filing for a divorce) and I hung my head and cried a little. Not sure what I am doing wrong... but I keep trying to keep my head up so my kids don't cry or see me hurting. I have to go and see the Judge for spousal.child support on the 22nd and I'm scared. My husband already took most of our things and we are losing our home, and I have to pay all these bills he never paid. I've been trying to save as much as I can but with 2 children and so much debt, I am afraid I can't do it. I'd like to be able to go out and get a job but all the jobs in the area are outside of town and require a car, he took ours to his mother's home. Sorry I just needed to vent a little...
Don't ever say your sorry to venting, it's what this place is made for
Why do you feel the need to apologize to him when you are speaking your mind, being hurt and confused? Because it upsets him...too bad, let him be upset for a change...let him deal with it. Up until this point, has he been supportive of your bi polar situation? Does he understand what it does to YOU? Some men can not fully understand something if it doesn't directly effect them. I dont know why this is so, but I have seen it soooo many times. I am assuming since you have been together for 7 years that he has been supportive of this. I feel so bad for you in this situation, he sounds so cold. Has he always been like that, you just didn't see it?
Maybe when you yelled at him to get out that night, it was the last straw for him. Maybe he is afraid you will do that again, and doesn't want to be hurt like that again. I think the trust issue goes both ways right now.
Who's idea was it to go off the meds to have another baby? Was this something that was advised by your doctors to be ok? Or were you warned against doing it? Why would you put YOUR well being and health above that of another? As woman, we do that all the time, but there comes a time when you have to look out for yourself.
I can not say that I know a lot about bi polar, I have not researched it, and only know one person that has it. I am under the impression that it is a form of depression, but more severe. I know what the depression part is about, and I KNOW what going off meds does to you...
CAn you talk to him? I mean really talk to him, let him know everything in your heart. Will he be receptive to it? If not, can you write him a letter? Either way, you have to some how get to the point that you can communicate with him openly and completely honestly. Men have a very hard time opening up emotionally, it makes them feel weak...so, this will take some time and work on your part. I really hope you can work things out IF thats what you really want.
Oh, when he goes into a rage, walk away from him. Neither of you will resolve anything by yelling and pointing fingers. Let him know later when he has calmed down, that going into a rage is counter-productive in communicating. Let him know he needs to find a new way to communicate with you or you will simply keep walking away until he can calm down. And if YOU feel like you are about to go into a rage...walk away until you can calm down.
He told me that he wanted another baby and when we spoke to doctors, they said some of the meds were class C - so I told my husband I was scared of the possible side effects. He wanted me to go off the meds.
He wasn't always this cold and yes, he is afraid of me losing my temper again. I never yelled because of just nothing, usually he did something pretty bad and after never being able to talk to him because he was way too focused on his game, I just yelled out of habit to get his attention (terrible habit I know.) I have tried recently to tell him how sorry I am and he goes from crying and saying he loves me to telling me he doesn't care. His moods are worse than mine. I begged him to go see someone for his problems (he suffers from depression as well) and he tells me to leave him alone. I've more or less put the ball in his court over and over and asked him what he wants. His response is always "I don't know" then "I want a divorce." I can't change his mind, if its what he wants then so be it. Putting myself through the emotional blender while he stays cold and mean is just damaging the kids and I.
I was very frustrated the day I yelled at him, I was saving pennies and whatever money I found to try and pay my doctor bill so I could go back but he kept taking it and not telling me. I lost my temper because I was so sick of being, well, sick. He spent alot of money on lottery tickets and WoW, and I never asked him for anything. I find out he was borrowing thousands of dollars from his mother and sister. I was so angry!!
I don't blame him 100%, but he blames me. I know my mental disorder is rough, but I did try, even though I was depressed or manic. The day I threw him out, I was in a mania phase, I literally can not control that, but he knew about how I was unmedicated and when I desperately needed him - he was better off walking away I guess. I held his hand after his suicide attempt, his father's passing, his BOL's passing, his oldest son moving out of state. I did everything I could to try and make him happy but whenever it came to me, he didn't care. He has been extremely selfish this past year, and this "me" kick he is on is getting old....
Ok, he was the one that wanted the baby? BUT, he was also the one basically stealing the money you were saving for it? Sounds to me like he didn't really want another baby.
I am sorry to say that his extreme selfishness is normal..sorry guys, just telling it like it is. Men go through these stages that usually last forever it seems, where it is all about them...no one else, just them. The world revolves around them and what they want. We as woman want them to be happy so we accomidate them with the wants...so it keeps going, vicious cycle. Men like to find blame so it isnt their own fault....normal...but, it sounds to me like he has been through a lot emotionally, does he see a doctor or therapist on a regular basis? Does he take meds for his depression? I honestly do not think you guys can start working on the 2 of you as a couple until you work on yourselves as individuals.
Sadly, no. He doesn't take meds, he DID but quit taking them about a year ago. I tried to get him into see someone, even made him the appointments and he refused.
I'm not worrying about him now though, its been a month and thanks to him, we lost our home, our dog, our things... my kids and I have to relocate and I have to figure out how to make ends meet for us. He can live with his mom, but that leaves the kids and I without. I'm selling my old stuff (clothes, jewelry, etc.) so I can afford to get a place for the kids and I til we get on our feet. I'm also working with a church group to get some help. So far, I've literally done everything, he has sat at his mom's and got OUR car fixed so he could have a louder system, new clothes, new haircut... he is acting like its nothing! Well, when he wakes up and sees his wife and children are just fine without him, I hope it slaps him in the face. He can enjoy fantasy land while it's there, but sooner or later reality is going to set in. His mommy can't save him forever.
Oh and since he overdrew the bank account so much, guess who they are coming after? ME! He took all the money and left me and the kids with all the bills... wow.. just wow....
Hmmm, I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you at least have a level head on your shoulder, and are trying to pull it together for your kids. Good for you! Does he work? Can you file some sort of papers for child support?
On the 22n I go before a mediator for child/spousal support. He works and makes decent money so we'll see what happens. When my kids see me down, they get down. So I just put on a playdough smile and keep going. I have to see him today and everytime he's around and try to talk he laughs in my face....
oh, and our son was looking at the family photo album and started crying for his Daddy. I tried to call him so he could talk to our little boy and his mother answered and hung up on me... grr....
Ok, speaking from experience, and this will be hard for you to do probably, but..when it comes to your kids and your husband, do NOT make excuses for him to your children. Be as honest as you can with them, but in a way that does not put him down in front of them. All you can do is be there for your kids. When they are crying because it doesnt seem like Daddy cares, be there to hold them and comfort them. No words are needed, just hold them. YOu are stronger than you think you are, and at times it will be hard and you are going to feel like you are at your breaking point...when you get close to that, look at your kids, and remember that they need you to be strong for them.
When you see him, dont try to talk to him, just let it be. Interact how you must for the children, but other than that, let him stew in his own thoughts. You need all your inner strength you can find and do not need him dragging you down. I am sure you will find that when its all said and done, you will be a much better person and mother because of this. You can do this, just keep your head up and remember you can do this. I believe that we are never dealt cards we can not handle. A higher being knows you will get through this with flying colors, remember that
Thank you. I really appreciate the advice and support, right now that's what I need. And you are right, I think I'll go get a book for when he comes over so I can think of things myself without him bringing me down.
Wow, the I don't knows and I want a divorce back and forth stuff is the same thing as mine. H doesn't put me down, and hasn't taken all of our stuff but he confuses the hell out of me.
My H is dealing w/severe depression. Currently is on meds and I think just tries to fill his time as much as he can so he doesn't have to think about what he's doing and not have to admit to missing me. But he'll slip up and text for no apparent reason and when I try to get him to talk it turns all mean again.
Sorry don't wanna hijack your thread just wanted to check in on ya and tell ya to hang in there. Sounds like you're making you and the kids #1 which is awesome. Hubby needs to see that although you love him what he's doing is not ok and you will be ok if you have to do it on your own.
Sorry about your situation. Mental health issues and marriage issues and financial issue....whew!
All you can do for now is work on you and making sure you are stable for your children. Perhaps talk to him about trying to be a stable, healthy force in the children's lives.
In the meantime....remember it is attractive to others (husband) to see you working on yourself and happy. If you want him back or he wants to come back...tell him that he needs to work on himself as well (for a better healthy marriage)!!!!
He left us
Re: He left us
