09-09-2012, 09:44 PM
Join Date: Aug 2012
| | new here and stuggling
i will try to keep this short but the jist of my story is this...ive been married for 14yrs and seperated for almost a year. our marriage has been rocky since the start and i find him to be a very insecure, controlling, manipulative, angry person with several substance abuse problems. we had four beautiful children during our marriage, all of whom i love very much and were the reason i stayed as long as i did.
we have seperated 3 times in the last 5 yrs and the last time was it, although the other times were more justified because i found out that he had passed out drunk while caring for our yound children, the second time because i honestly felt like i hated him and had so much built up resentment, and the final time because i could find nowhere in my heart for him anymore. not once since the final seperation have i missed him and the way he guilts and shames me.
if only life were that easy to change and find happiness, at every turn i find him fighting me with the lawyers over petty stuff and i feel like this will never end. we are battling over location and custody of the children and the whole process has drained me both emotionally but physically. i had an intense rebound through all of this but that also has failed since for many reasons. he was the only part that gave me happiness lately besides my children whom i have to share but hate it. every minute im away from them causes me great anxiety and guilt over what ive done to the family. i just cant love this man, i dont even think i like him, in my opinion and for several reasons i wont get into i dont think he is a good person deep down.
so my dilemna is that i am now forced to reside in a location deemed best for the children and have had to lean on family, thism means i am now living with my sister and her family and we shall see where it goes...finances are a mess and this small town has virtually no rentals available. i dont want to stay here but i am forced to, i just want my own place and to move on but he continuously drains me of all resources with the games he seems to need to play.
and now that the rebound has failed, which i kinda always knew it would, i miss it more than my marriage. i felt emotions i have not experienced in years and it became like a drug. he was harder to get over than my husband, whom i have not missed one second of one day. i know my decision was right but i did not expect this much hardship and stress going through the process.
i feel like i have half a life and i live like a gypsy, so unsettling for me. i hope the kids make it through this but we have moved twice in two months and they are confused as to what to expect in the future, i have no answers as i await a final decision on these matters.
thanks for listening and all replys are welcome-both good and bad