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Old 06-02-2009, 06:29 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Caught off guard

Not to be a downer on you but you do know this all came about because you felt the need to play a game with him and it backfired on you.

"Especially when he knows I'll stand by him no matter how rough the road or long it is."

He doesn't know this because you said the D word.

With that said I know what you are going through. My wife was the same way with me just after Christmas. Oddly enough and I'm not suggesting doing this the only thing that got her to see the light was me going out on a date. I went on a date on Friday (and Saturday) and she called me on Sunday wanting to talk. My point is maybe the shock is feeling that he might lose you forever will make it real in his mind.
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Old 06-02-2009, 09:01 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I know the feeling about the facebook thing. My wife caught me off guard on a few different occasions. After she left she changed her status from married to in a relationship theb to its complicated. When we talked last thursday she teetered on the whole getting back together. So thought I just let you know that all lot of us were caught off guard so you're not alone. Just keep your chin up and keep on keepin on.
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Old 06-02-2009, 10:50 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by They Call Me Smooth View Post
Not to be a downer on you but you do know this all came about because you felt the need to play a game with him and it backfired on you.

"Especially when he knows I'll stand by him no matter how rough the road or long it is."

He doesn't know this because you said the D word.
That was the only way for me to know at the time Smooth. I'm dealing w/a severly depressed man whom thinks he's got no problems although he's been sent to therapy by his job and is now on meds for it. My husband is a "I don't want to talk we don't have any problems type of person" I have even stood by him since he's been gone so I disagree, he does know I'll stand by him. My H is the kind of person that will avoid things to a certain extent and sometimes his philosophy is well as long as no one's walking out the door it's all good. This is not how I nor many people I know function. The "D" word had to be brought up because I knew that's what it would take for him to have a realization as to how serious this was and the tole it was taking on our marriage. I don't know maybe it did cause more harm than good but if I hadn't have said it yes my husband and I would probably be in the same house not getting divorced but I'd be miserable because he'd still be disconnected and thinking everything was fine.

Major changes need to take place. I know he misses me I know he loves me and I know that we CAN make it and I know we BOTH need to work on ourselves independently as well as a couple...problem is I'm the only one that wants to work as a couple right now He just wants to tell me how much I mean to him etc but not really do anything about it.

I think I'm the "doormat" at the moment because I love him so much I'm putting up w/a lot of things at the moment. I'll be really honest though I'm really scared that if I go NC or I tell him to leave me alone if this is going to continue that he'll just be like ok...and that will be end of it because in his mind it's a hell of a lot easier to walk away from your wife no matter how much she's done for you or how much you miss her or whether she's your best friend or not rather than working on himself because it's really hard for him to admit to himself let alone anyone else that he's got these medical issues which not only effect him but those he loves. I have tried to get him to get help for ages. Had his work not basically told him that he had to go he wouldn't be getting therapy or taking meds at the moment. He'd still be thinking that he could handle it all by himself and we all know the depressed rarely cure themselves.

I just keep trying to tell him that it is hard to admit and it will be work but the work will be worth it. It's very hard to walk away from someone you love, even harder to walk away from someone you love whom has issues, and even harder to walk away from someone whom you know still loves you.

I hope everything I said makes sense.
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Old 06-02-2009, 10:53 PM   #19 (permalink)
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If you don't mind me asking Smooth, did you talk to her? What was the outcome? (If I'm not being to personal)
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Old 06-04-2009, 03:22 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Rhea - WOW honey Im so sorry............. I read your thread from start to finish. Man all I can say is you are one strong gal, remember to think of you first. I know being a girl gits the best of every one of us every now and again.

I can only offer cyber *****(Hugs)***** and that I love reading your posts, you have a way with words.
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Old 06-06-2009, 05:31 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Well here I am another day, a million more tears. Another conversation with the "Yes I have it all, no I won't do anything about it" husband.

I'm calling on Monday to see if I can get an appointment w/a therapist. I'm fully willing to admit at this point that I am fully unable to cope with and get through this on my own. It's so not working for me at all.

I feel like sh*t, I feel worthless, I fell like a failure. I could go on but you get the picture. In essence I think my husband's depression which caused his disconnect which caused our separation coupled with my complete confusion has now caused me to be depressed and in now way shape or form am I going to let that get the best of me. F**K that. I need to do something because I am out of control to say the least.

Basically from the conversation we had today the conclusion I reached is that I hold no value to him. He will not get counseling, he will not rid the other people from the picture, he feels no remorse and is totally ok with treating me the way that he his. BUT I am still his "best friend" (right I say in dripping sarcasm to myself) who the f*ck treats their best friend this way? Hanging the phone up on me, putting me on speaker so everyone can hear me? Placing the phone down on the table so that I can talk to myself then hanging up the phone a few minutes later.

So here comes some bluntness and pardon me because I'm p*ssed. But I think my husband is being the biggest cowardly a**ed p***y I have ever seen at the moment. I think he's scared to work on himself and scared to work on us because that would mean working on himself. How in the hell is something missing when you have everything that we do (see previous posts) who wouldn't give the world to have a best friend in their wife. I think he's scared to come back and scared to do anything because he KNOWS I'm right and if the equation were narrowed down to H+W=Love he'd have to admit that I'm right. So right now he's letting the newness of some b*tch c*ck block the fact that he knows we have what it takes. Go a head sir graze in the pasture let me know when you find out the grass is moldy. He's like I have those things in her too. I'm like uh..you've known her for 2 months neither one of you have a clue what you have in each other. Not to mention the fact that she doesn't have Sh*t in you because you've already slept around on her w/ME. Phew sounds odd to say your husband is cheating on his GIRLFRIEND with his WIFE! Weird to type. But yeah, goes to show this new one's a special one eh? Sure thing. I gotcha. Whatever!

So anyways as I said. Not much I can do here but watch my husband whom used to be my lover and best friend whom still considers me his walk away and not look back. As many questions as I want answered it will never happen. All I'll get by asking is him being p*ssed off because that means he'd have to hold himself accountable for his actions. Which isn't going to happen so I may as well just call it a day and try to move on and heal myself. I could love him forever but right now it's getting me nothing

What a sad sad world it must be inside his head. Mr. I'm on Zoloft and in therapy but I have no problems what so ever. Mr. yes baby we have chemistry yes I care and trust and love you but I'm not "in" love with you. Mr. you are one of the truest friends I've ever had. Thank you for never hurting me. Mr. you were a great wife you did nothing wrong so please don't think you did.

Says me Mrs. I can't wait till this all kicks you in the a** sometime in the future then you call me and let me know how much you hurt, then maybe you will have an incling of knowledge at the amount of pain you're causing me.

Hell I'd rather someone tell me that I suck in bed, I'm a sh*tty wife, and that they don't consider me a friend than have him tell me all the things he is and just walk the f*ck away.

I think he's far from cured and has way more problems than I can imagine at the moment. Wonder when he'll realize that.

Ok signing off now before I pen an novel here. Please excuse my foul mood today.
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Old 06-09-2009, 09:40 AM   #22 (permalink)
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I sooooo understand your feelings! They are mine too sometimes, then I turn around and try to be strong telling myself and KNOWING that I deserve better! I hate that I've had to ride this rollercoaster while trying to deal with cancer and other ongoing health problems! All I want to happen now is for Karma to kick his ****!!!!
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Old 06-09-2009, 01:14 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Lostman View Post
I know the feeling about the facebook thing. My wife caught me off guard on a few different occasions. After she left she changed her status from married to in a relationship theb to its complicated. When we talked last thursday she teetered on the whole getting back together. So thought I just let you know that all lot of us were caught off guard so you're not alone. Just keep your chin up and keep on keepin on.
I got the same "facebook" thing, first I read the its complicated and then she deleted me as a friend. I can still read her stuff and there is never anything on there that says much but i assume some day there will be. Yes, i was caught off guard and still dont know why we are here. I wish I could just move on but I am in quick sand and going down not forward...
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Old 06-09-2009, 01:27 PM   #24 (permalink)
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It surprises me on the different kinds of people we have in this world. You have guys like me and Skin that would do anything for our wives, provide, treat with respect and we get left because ah well they felt like leaving. You have women like Rhea who stands by a guy who is freaking out of his mind (I mean that in the sense of how he is treating you) and will put up with his crap and problems because she is a good wife. We need to match up the good guys with the good gals and let all of the A** Clowns out there get together. They would be perfect for each other, they would always be walking away and nobody would give a sh**. Jeeeeeez!!
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Old 06-10-2009, 12:06 AM   #25 (permalink)
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It surprises me on the different kinds of people we have in this world. You have guys like me and Skin that would do anything for our wives, provide, treat with respect and we get left because ah well they felt like leaving. You have women like Rhea who stands by a guy who is freaking out of his mind (I mean that in the sense of how he is treating you) and will put up with his crap and problems because she is a good wife. We need to match up the good guys with the good gals and let all of the A** Clowns out there get together. They would be perfect for each other, they would always be walking away and nobody would give a sh**. Jeeeeeez!!
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Old 06-10-2009, 12:07 AM   #26 (permalink)
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As in....I couldn't have said that better myself!
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Old 06-10-2009, 12:15 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I got the same "facebook" thing, first I read the its complicated and then she deleted me as a friend. I can still read her stuff and there is never anything on there that says much but i assume some day there will be. Yes, i was caught off guard and still dont know why we are here. I wish I could just move on but I am in quick sand and going down not forward...
I used to be on my H's MySpace friends list but then got a call one day that he had to delete everyone off of his list (some immature someone I guess told his little lady friend that he'd added some other chick on there ((not me)) and that girl was p*ssed) so now I "the best friend" am no longer on there. He's now created a Facebook profile to which I've yet to be added too and I had to tell him that his little lady friend actually had a page (ironic he didn't know I think, hmm wonder what SHE's hiding) anyway a mutual friend says that his relationship status is "in a relationship" and there are pictures of said little lady friend on there. I'm like awesome too bad they don't have a status option on there that says "Married yet dating because I'm a coward and won't go fix things with my best friend so I'm starting over w/someone else in a complicated situation." What's that statement "Two wrongs don't make a right?" Yeah that's it.
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:10 AM   #28 (permalink)
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As in....I couldn't have said that better myself!
I knew what you meant lol, but then again we both maybe single soon sooo JK
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Old 06-10-2009, 12:57 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Well here I am another day, a million more tears. Another conversation with the "Yes I have it all, no I won't do anything about it" husband.

I'm calling on Monday to see if I can get an appointment w/a therapist. I'm fully willing to admit at this point that I am fully unable to cope with and get through this on my own. It's so not working for me at all.

I feel like sh*t, I feel worthless, I fell like a failure. I could go on but you get the picture. In essence I think my husband's depression which caused his disconnect which caused our separation coupled with my complete confusion has now caused me to be depressed and in now way shape or form am I going to let that get the best of me. F**K that. I need to do something because I am out of control to say the least.

Basically from the conversation we had today the conclusion I reached is that I hold no value to him. He will not get counseling, he will not rid the other people from the picture, he feels no remorse and is totally ok with treating me the way that he his. BUT I am still his "best friend" (right I say in dripping sarcasm to myself) who the f*ck treats their best friend this way? Hanging the phone up on me, putting me on speaker so everyone can hear me? Placing the phone down on the table so that I can talk to myself then hanging up the phone a few minutes later.

So here comes some bluntness and pardon me because I'm p*ssed. But I think my husband is being the biggest cowardly a**ed p***y I have ever seen at the moment. I think he's scared to work on himself and scared to work on us because that would mean working on himself. How in the hell is something missing when you have everything that we do (see previous posts) who wouldn't give the world to have a best friend in their wife. I think he's scared to come back and scared to do anything because he KNOWS I'm right and if the equation were narrowed down to H+W=Love he'd have to admit that I'm right. So right now he's letting the newness of some b*tch c*ck block the fact that he knows we have what it takes. Go a head sir graze in the pasture let me know when you find out the grass is moldy. He's like I have those things in her too. I'm like uh..you've known her for 2 months neither one of you have a clue what you have in each other. Not to mention the fact that she doesn't have Sh*t in you because you've already slept around on her w/ME. Phew sounds odd to say your husband is cheating on his GIRLFRIEND with his WIFE! Weird to type. But yeah, goes to show this new one's a special one eh? Sure thing. I gotcha. Whatever!

So anyways as I said. Not much I can do here but watch my husband whom used to be my lover and best friend whom still considers me his walk away and not look back. As many questions as I want answered it will never happen. All I'll get by asking is him being p*ssed off because that means he'd have to hold himself accountable for his actions. Which isn't going to happen so I may as well just call it a day and try to move on and heal myself. I could love him forever but right now it's getting me nothing

What a sad sad world it must be inside his head. Mr. I'm on Zoloft and in therapy but I have no problems what so ever. Mr. yes baby we have chemistry yes I care and trust and love you but I'm not "in" love with you. Mr. you are one of the truest friends I've ever had. Thank you for never hurting me. Mr. you were a great wife you did nothing wrong so please don't think you did.

Says me Mrs. I can't wait till this all kicks you in the a** sometime in the future then you call me and let me know how much you hurt, then maybe you will have an incling of knowledge at the amount of pain you're causing me.

Hell I'd rather someone tell me that I suck in bed, I'm a sh*tty wife, and that they don't consider me a friend than have him tell me all the things he is and just walk the f*ck away.

I think he's far from cured and has way more problems than I can imagine at the moment. Wonder when he'll realize that.

Ok signing off now before I pen an novel here. Please excuse my foul mood today.
y'know, what comes through loud and clear in your post is that you really, really love him. what the hell ever happened that made him turn away from that love?

here, you acknowledge all his faults and still it screams "i love you." does he recognize his faults? i can't believe that counseling would leave him wondering about his faults. or the "fixes."

God, i hope some positive resolution comes of this. you are such an incredibly strong and insightful person. he needs you.
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Old 06-10-2009, 03:09 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Voivod,
You just brought tears to my eyes. Yes I love him so much, so very very much. This is literally killing me from the inside out.

I've got some things to do but I'll come back and elaborate later.
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