y'know, what comes through loud and clear in your post is that you really, really love him. what the hell ever happened that made him turn away from that love?
here, you acknowledge all his faults and still it screams "i love you." does he recognize his faults? i can't believe that counseling would leave him wondering about his faults. or the "fixes."
God, i hope some positive resolution comes of this. you are such an incredibly strong and insightful person. he needs you.
Sigh...where to begin. You know Voivod I have asked him many a times what the hell happened. I'm like please honey tell me what I did wrong. You haven't told me what that was nor did I ever get the opportunity to rectify that "something" because I never knew it existed. These are the 3 responses I get.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"There's something missing" (but he can't tell me "what's" missing)
"I don't know ******!!!" (I'd put my name in there but it's rather unique and that's a dead giveaway)
We are less than two weeks away from a court date and we just had sex a week ago...odd yes very. I'm like "oh wow" you want me to sleep with you but we're still getting divorced and it doesn't change anything? Strange. Now yes I should have said no. But damn the sex is good. Not good on the letting go part for me. But it's obvious I don't want to let go right?!?! I just find it very odd the man wants to be intimate w/me but is divorcing me. Yes I know the intamcy is not the thread that will hold this marriage together but bare with me I've got more.
The man calls me anytime there's a problem. He's had a bad day, fighting with the woman he's seeing, there's drama, whatever. Why? Because I'm his best friend he says. Can't a man call his best friend when he's having a sh*tty day he asks?
Sure you can honey but now we have two positives for not getting divorced: 1) We're best friends (awesome that's one thing you look for in a spouse no?) and 2) We have great sex (so we know intimacy and chemistry isn't a problem)
Ok so moving on. Prior to my brother moving in he'd not only call me when he was having a bad day he'd come to my house (our house). I'd ask him..."Why are you here?" He'd respond with "Because it's chill here, I know there won't be any drama."
So now we add #3 to the list. Now we have no drama, intimacy, and we're best friends.
We have common interests. Video gaming, music, shooting, we both like to hang out with our families, we like to watch some of the same shows on television, etc. Ok so now we have: Common interests, no drama, intimacy, and we're best friends.
Do you see my confusion?! But yet somewhere in there...something is missing. Hmm
Things are not always perfect please don't let me paint that picture, I can be moody at times (what woman isn't?).
The Hubby does have and has been previously diagnosed with severe depression which has caused him not to want to have sex, to sleep all the time, sit at the computer in La La land for countless hours, and basically detach himself from everything but the robotics of life RE: work, home, computer, eat, sh*t, shower, shave, rinse and repeat on a daily basis until said funk has passed and he's normal again. When he's normal again it's family time, time with wife, sex on a frequent basis, watching TV together, and not so much computer (still some but maybe an hour or two a night as opposed to from the time he gets home until the time he goes to bed)
Habits which come out when Hubby is in said funk turn wife into moodier lady but I have never said get your sh*t together or I'm out of here. I've said please go get some help you're obviously not handling these issues on your own. If you can't talk to me please find someone you can talk to. Someone completely detached from you and I and our family. Detached from your parents and mine etc. Someone you can pour it all out to whom can genuinely help you. I will be here for you not matter how long it takes, whether you have to fall to completely rock bottom before you can start to climb back up.
Depression as we all know effects not only the depressed but those surrounding him. In the last 6 months together hubby started drinking on a nightly basis. Had been caught talking, emailing, and texting what I refer to as a Trailor Hoe (and trust me I've verified she's just that...a skank, she walks the walk and talks the talk). I did approach the hubby about her and about the drinking and the depressive cycles for which he wasn't getting help with. At that point I wasn't getting any sex from him, he never wanted to go anywhere, it was like he didn't hear me when I talked. I'd ask a question he wouldn't flinch nor answer and it really started to affect me. I really didn't know whether he loved me or not anymore.
So if you read from my previous posts. I did finally get the courage to talk to him and that talk was blunt. If you're not blunt with him he blows it off as a "well she's yelling now, but she'll never leave me, or he'll come w/his typical we don't have problems what's there to talk about jargon. Anyways I needed to know from him that he loved me like I loved him and cared and that it made a difference to him whether I was there or not or if I was just another two legged person walking around his household making it feel a little less empty. So I said to him because I wouldn't have been taken seriously otherwise: "Honey either these vicious cycles need to end (because little by little they're taking a piece of me each time you have one) and I need to know that you love me and want me around like I want you or we need to get divorced because you could care less. He freaked out. I let him sit on it for a bit and then came back into the room.
Found him sitting in the dark (found out that while I was gone which was just outside in my car, that he'd told everyone on the "game" that he'd be gone for a while because he needed to focus on his family and had told my girlfriend's husband that he wasn't going to let me walk away) saw more emotion in him than I'd ever seen in 4 years was told that he'd do anything no matter what not to lose me or let our family fall apart because I was the only thing that matter to him in this world. That he'd go to counseling for us, for him, for the depression, everything.
Then two weeks later I get told that it's just not going to work. That he doesn't have any problems (denial much) and that there's something missing (really?!).
I'm really sorry I'm really wordy tonight but I feel if I don't tell it all why tell it at all.
He has been getting help. However he didn't get that help until his job was basically put on the line. Breaks my heart he'd get help when his job is put on the line but won't get help when his marriage is put on the line.
I've started going to therapy myself as well. He doesn't know this as of yet. Therapist says that it sounds like hubby doesn't know how to attach on an emotional level. I do know my hubby has self esteem issues (he'll never admit that). His ego is the size of Texas yet it needs constant stroking as that ego is often a show for which the insecurities are being covered with.
Hubby has seen several OW's since he's been gone, but always finds his way back to me...maybe that makes me a doormat and I need to put a stop to that but damn I love the man it's really hard to say no when he wants to talk or what not.
I'm constantly fed the it's not going to work, I'm not going to counseling, I'm not in love with you business. I'm like are you really not in love with me or are you scared that other people will find out you need to work on YOU before you can work on us and that will effect what type of man you are in their eyes? F*ck that. I have much more respect for a man whom faces his problems rather than runs from them.
He just seems to ignore alot when it comes to us. Ignores the fact that we've had more sex in the past 6 months we've been separated than the last 6 months we were together. Ignores the fact that he's telling me I'm his best friend and that he trusts me more than I'll ever know. That I'm not worthless to him (this is how I constantly tell him I feel because I do). I've yet to find out what was missing (I'm not sure anything really was other than the depression getting the best of him)
I really can't understand how it's not going to work if he doesn't do anything to find out if it will or not. He has the never to tell me he's done everything he can to try and make this marriage work...when he hasn't done anything. I often think he's scared of what working on him and us will make other people think of him. I think he thinks that people will think he's a pansy if he comes back because he's the one that left in the first place. I often wonder if he's more worried about what other's will think of him and so wish that'd he'd focus more on what he's losing than what other's think.
I just think alot of this is tied to his issues that he's supposedly getting help for. The issues he doesn't even think he has. He's admited to me he does have them. But now he's saying he doesn't have them again. He's back to I'm happy my life's great I'm cured. Sure you are. You're divorcing your best friend whom you have all these things with yeah you're fine and you're NOT going to regret that....
It just hurts so bad. I want to break through to him and right now that's not happening. It's almost unbearable but I'm trying to focus on me. But it's really hard to focus on yourself when it's natural instinct to care for, nurture and want to help the one you love. It's what a best friend, a lover, and a wife is supposed to do. Be there for you good times and bad.
I pray nightly for his sanity and safety and for the fact that if we're supposed to be then God will bring us back together when the time is right and we're both in the state in which we need to be to provide the things we both need to each other and from each other.
Again sorry so long. I'm a long winded person. I apologize if you're sleepy now lol.
Rhea I have felt every emotion that you are going thru right now....even before my hubby left. The only difference is my hubby has had NC with me hardly since the day he left. He's moved his OW in with him and basically left his disabled wife to fend for herself. At first I couldn't believe that he would ever do this to me....I was in a state of shock! That is when all those feelings hit me that you are going thru right now but when he basically just was only nice to me on the "extremely few" phone conversations, spewing more lies which I eventually learned about, I knew I meant nothing to him. He just wants to move on with OW and get out of this marriage without getting screwed over too much financially.
Your husband sounds like the "I want my cake and eat it too" kind of guy. I hate to say this but it sounds like he is keeping you hanging on "just in case." You don't want that, trust me. My best advice to you is stop all contact and make him wonder what's up. It will be hard, but he will continue this merry-go-round behavior with you and you will feel like you said...a doormat! If it's meant for him to come back to you, stop contact, if he truly cares for you and thinks he is going to lose you, his behavior will change. If it doesn't, then you will know and can start picking up the pieces of your life.
Sadly my husband has walked after 16 years of marriage but at least I know that it's over....I was apparently a burden on him due to my disability and I deserve better than that kind of "worthless and selfish" man!!! It's very hard to go NC but I think this is the only way to get his attention. As things stand, you are there and he knows it, so why should he have to do anything if he knows as a last resort, he can have you. He's playing games with your head and only you can stop it. I'm sorry that you are getting done this way because it sure does hurt. My stbx doesn't even care about my cancer diagnosis so although it hurt for a while, anger has made me see him and this situation clearly. Hugggssss to you because I know how badly this hurts.
Ugh I'm missing him so much today. My daughter had her dance recital today and I had purchased him a ticket in hopes that he'd come if not for me but for her. She would have loved that so much. It just felt SO wrong w/o him there He's been to all of them but one. Empty...that's what I feel.
I just want to scream, cry, throw a fit, get drunk and go to bed and sleep. Can't scream that will make my daughter ask questions. Crying will give me a headache, can't drink as I have to work tomorrow and really don't want to get sh*t canned for no apparent reason and have to lock myself in a room all night so I can hide it from my daughter and my brother whom live w/me.
This hurts so bad. I miss him so much. It's been 7 days w/NC from either one of us. I'm here so I don't break down and text him. I think he's at his cousin's wedding this weekend ironic. Hopefully its making him think hopefully being around his whole non-divorced family with his fixing to be twice divorced self is making him wonder and making him think about whether he's making the right decision or not.
12 days till court and I'm a f*cking mess. I don't want this, I don't want it at all. I hate this. I can't bear the thought of losing him forever and that court date looming up on me is bringing permenancy.
I don't want to be his doormat or fall back but I really hate the thought that he's pouring his time into someone else and ignoring all the things he says and does with me. I'm not a control freak but man I hate that I can't do anything about this situation that I'm basically pounding on a wall and hoping for a brick to crack. It's like he's looking at everything through a window but refuses to open it. I hate that he's pouring his non stable self into someone else at the moment whilst still saying and doing what he does. I'm sure it's easier because she doesn't know him and he can hide whom he really is from her. I just he'd understand that I do know him and guess what I'm ok with the faults I just want to work through them. Wow why doesn't that make it all worth it to him? Why run from someone it's obvious you love and care for??? Ugh so many questions and no answers.
I hope one day God brings my best friend and husband back to me. AFTER he's worked out all this stuff in his head, heart, and soul. I know I deserve a better version of him and hope that one day I get that. Even later down the road is ok.
More therapy on Tuesday. Lord help me I'm so sad right now. I just want to hug him, hold him, and tell him how much he means to me. Tell him to fall apart it's ok we'll put it back together.
I've read your whole thread, beginning to end. My impression is that the best thing you could do for your dh is let him go.
You appear to be wanting to fix his issues when they are his issues, not yours. He sleeps with OW and then you sleep with him. It appears to me (sorry to be so blunt here) that he just wants to wiggle his finger and you come a running and sleep with him although you know he has slept with others.
Rhea, when his depression hurts enough, he will work it out.
I also have the impression that he says one thing to you, keeping you on the string dancing for him, and he does another. I just don't think he wants to be married to you any longer and I don't think it has a thing to do with depression. I get the impression you are using the depression as an excuse for him not wanting to work on your marriage when in reality he just doesn't want to be married to you and he lets you think it is depression that is to blame. That is why you are so confused and up and down feeling.
Am sorry. I am glad you are getting counseling, because you really need to move on.
Hmm, that's the thing Sandy the marriage didn't have any big omg why are we even married?! issues problems we didn't fight over anything other than normal stressers, never had issues w/sex unless husband hit said funk, had many things in common, got along great until the depression overtook him, then kinda had "black" phases and then he'd come out and we'd be great again, we have been friends for years so I'm having a really hard time with the "just doesn't want to be married to you thing" and it having nothing to do w/depression. He has SEVERE clinical depression. Medically diagnosed, not just a "Oh I think my husband is depressed" wifely diagnostic.
He's meerly stepping through the motions right now as far as therapy goes. Trust me I know this man well. He's the type of person whom if you give him the chance will sit there and think of how to answer the therapist so he doesn't have to tell them the truth. He's afraid to feel because he's afraid of getting hurt. He runs when sh*t gets rough or HE messes up because it's very hard for him to work on himself. So you see no, he probably won't get help when it hurts enough because HE won't admit that he's hurting even when he's transparent as hell and everyone can see it but him. He would NOT be in therapy at the moment if his job did not MAKE him go.
My wife left me as I believe you know and we are headed for divorce. Her reasons do not make sense to me, if it was not for the kids I wish I never had met her. She is mean, rude and treats me like crap and she does not care. I do not deserve this but I am getting it. I have tried everything the "I love you, please come back" to no contact and in my case nothing worked. She has her wiring messed up and is like a serial killer that feels no remorse for what they have done and even enjoy the pain they inflict. Now with that said I want to give you my opinion on your situation based on everything you have said. To me, it looks like he has all the power and knows it. He decides when you talk, when he comes over, when he has sex with you, when he has sex with this other gal. He decides when he calls etc etc. He sounds less depressed and more like he is having the time of his life. My advice is to cut him off no matter what, do not let him in your circle. I know its hard, believe me, read my posts!! But in this case I think that if you stop letting him do what he is doing, then you will have a result. Maybe not the one you want but a result. Meaning he will either miss you and stop his antics or will stay away, I know you don't want that but right now you are being used. My wife has that power over me, we talk when she decides, I see the girls when she decides on and on and I know that she enjoys it. The only thing that I have is the kids do seem to prefer to be with me and my son lives with me and wont talk to his mom because of her behavior. She says that it hurts her but she does not change. With court coming fast it might make all this mute but if you are given a chance to have more time try what I am saying and see what happens. I will follow your posts, please keep us updated..
Sportsman,
Hi and thank you for your response. I haven’t talked to him in a week, no texts, no calls, nothing. I really appreciate all the advice on this board. Although it’s not always what I WANT to hear, it’s what I NEED to hear. I’m trying really hard. It sucks, and it hurts, it’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever been through but I really am trying hard…it has to be done at this point. I don’t want to be used, a doormat, or any other “insert adjective here.”
You know my hubby said one of the things that he always found attractive about me was that I was my independence. Wow I’ve done a great job at showing that lately haven’t I? I am not codependent, it’s just really hard to watch someone you love walk away without kicking and screaming and running after them and fighting with all your might.
But at this point each and every one of you is right. I’m letting him call the shots and he is in complete control. No more! Well that’s my goal anyway. I am a damn good woman. He will realize his loss one day and that sucks for him. But I never gave him a reason to leave, nor did he ever tell me anything was wrong nor give me the opportunity to fix what if anything was wrong so I guess it’s whatever right now. I love the man dearly and he will figure out the grass is not greener, and Karma truly is a b*tch. Bless his sole. The only thing I’m “hoping” for at this point is a sincere apology one day. I would love to have him back and to mend whatever went “wrong” in the first place or just start over, but I’m not going to lie. I just don’t see that happening right now because of the OW he’s started “dating” here recently so I’m not hanging on the edge. Unless there’s some unforseen miracle coming my way soon. I’m just going to have to push through. I love him and miss him so much. But must keep going…one foot in front of the other.
I’m just at a breaking point. On top of this whole confusing divorce leaving whatever bullsh*t that’s taking place. I’m broke as h*ll. I have $60 to my name it sucks. My daughter wants a haircut and I can’t even afford that I feel like such a crappy Mom right now. I had to replace two tires because somehow I wound up w/a screw the size of Texas in one and you can’t just replace one. I have people calling about bills. On top of that my car was broken into the night before last. They took my subwoofer and my bowling bag. Don’t care about the sub easily replaceable. But why you gotta take my bowling stuff?! Really?! Come on now. That’s my only hobby at the moment of which I can afford, it’s the one thing that I get to do w/my Dad that’s my time w/him. Thank you whomever did this. The stuff in that bag was worth 2x’s if not more than that piece of stereo equipment you took and the bowling stuff meant a lot more.
Then to TOP that off. I can no longer go to therapy because I can’t afford it. I must come up with a $300 deductible first. Not going to happen w/the $60 in my pocket. So there goes that. Oh well. I am going to go see the psychiatrist or my GP to get on some temp anti-depressants though as the therapist and I both think that is still necessary.
Well there’s my update. I’m a little down today and yes I miss him. But right now he’s in no shape to be in my life.
Much love and again thanks for all the responses and advice.
You're doing the right thing Rhea although it does hurt to not communicate. It's hard but better this than being a doormat. I understand about your finances too, as I am having the same problems. It really is a shame that you have to go thru all the insanity of a broken marriage, but to deal with financial difficulties too. I can't work due to disability so I am in some dire straights here and my stbx knows this, but doesn't give a crap! He is a sorry excuse of a man, for sure! It really helps me see who he is clearly and that isn't the kind of person I want back in my life!
When all your feelings are getting the best of you, just come here and post to us. Maintain the NC with him. Hugs!!!!
Ahhh...sigh. So here I am in my own little spot on good old TAM to vent and diary and what not.
So if you didn't read my other post in the general discussion forum you don't know that I had to call the DH yesterday. Big bank debaucle. Ugh! Saturday would have been 2 weeks NC. Not that I don't want to talk to him, and I'm really not excited that it would have been 2 weeks. But was proud of myself for holding out that long. Anyway so the bank debaucle was solved. DH had to bring by a check to solve it and w/him he brought meat. LOL! Yes folks he came by brought the check we talked for almost 2 hrs and he was like BTW I brought you some meat...uh...thanks Went to the bank came back checked the freezer and yep meat lol. A huge roast, 2lbs of bacon and about 4-5 lbs of hamburger. Yum. Odd but yum. As a matter of fact I make a d*mn good pot roast and there's one brewin on slow in the crock right now. Will be ready right around 545pm when I get home from work tomorrow.
Man I wish I had some BL Lime in the fridge would love a cold one right now.
Anyway so we talked, very friendly, no arguing, still confused. DH VERY confused. You can tell by the way he speaks, reacts, doesn't react or is silent. Still reiterates to me you did NOTHING wrong. I say ok. The OW is out of the pic (that's a whole different tabloid we'll leave that one at the grocery store). But anyway I'm like ok, well I just hope you're happy out there. He leaves says he WILL call, I capitalize will because he emphasized it. I say well I used to hang on that statement but I'm just going to let you prove me wrong and when the phone rings then wrong I'm proven. He says ok I'm going to. Before he leaves we talk about us, he talks about some things going on w/him. That dear man is so confused in his head heart and sole, not just about me, but just life in general you can tell his mind and heart are carrying a heavy load at the moment.
Please don't get me wrong I'm not sitting here hanging on a thread for him to come back. Now wouldn't really be the time for that. I've come to be honest w/myself and I believe he really needs this time as much as it sucks for me to not be included in this time he needs it. DH and I are very good friends will remain so even after this. I asked him to please be nicer or just hang up the phone if he can't be (he says mean things when I push to far, ask to many questions. I'm in no way justifying it but he just gets diarreah of the mouth and if he can't answer what you ask he gets pissed). He apologized sincerely for the mean "meaningless" statements. Which made me feel awesome.
Anyway I come out of this last interaction surprisingly calm. Missing the hell out of him still because d*mn what a connection we have. But I told him what I told myself. I love you and I want you but I won't beg you and I can't fix you just as you can't fix me. I pray God brings us back together if and when the time is right. Once you fix what you say you need to and you pull said head out of your a$$ (complete sarcasm, don't worry he laughed too) I said but d*mn baby don't wait till I'm 80 ok? LOL. More laughter from the two of us. Then he left on a calm note. Yay. Don't worry guys I'm not sitting around waiting for the world to change tomorrow I'm just excited that my best friend still exists and we interracted peacefully and it reminded me of less stressful times.
Have a good weekend everyone. Much love & hugs to you all. You guys are all awesome!
Rhea
I would like to request a switch to be installed in me, one where I can just turn everything off
not care,
not miss,
not long for,
not love,
not think about,
everything... all of it...
I totally agree with i wish there was a button so we can stop thinking about them. I still dont know how to do that myself, i'm still working on it too. Keep being strong though, i wish i can be as strong as you.
Aww Rhea reading all that tore we all to pieces. I really hurt for you, and I wish my wife loved me as strongly as you loved your husband. Its truly remarkable.
Its good to see your getting a little bit calmer about all this. Just that alone might help too. He still needs to realize alot, but with space you have been giving him it appears the gears in his head are a turnin!
Lifes really just not fair. I deserved some of what I got, but by the sounds of it you really didnt.
take care Rhea.
ohh BTW: the whole meat thing agve me the first laugh I had in weeks. That was really something to read.lol
Re: Caught off guard
It's almost unbearable but I'm trying to focus on me. But it's really hard to focus on yourself when it's natural instinct to care for, nurture and want to help the one you love. It's what a best friend, a lover, and a wife is supposed to do. Be there for you good times and bad. 
Yes folks he came by brought the check we talked for almost 2 hrs and he was like BTW I brought you some meat...uh...thanks 
