My wife needs more from me. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 05-16-2009, 11:07 PM Thread Starter
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Location: Maine
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My wife needs more from me.

My wife and I were married at 19 and she was pregnant. We were both very determined to make it work. We were young and in love. I worked long hours and she stayed home with the kids. I became a workaholic because I felt the need to make sure I took care of everyone. Needless to say this did not help our marriage. We had many arguments about me not being focused on our relationship but rather my job. I felt obligated to do what it took as I was the one making the majority of our household income. Well now it has been almost 21 years both of our kids no longer live at home. My wife has become this very strong outgoing person who everyone loves. I however am content staying home and working around the house or staying home to watch a movie. She has told me that for the last 6 months it feels like we have just been roommates and not husband and wife. I have to admit I have been more self centered since the kids moved out. I have been going to the gym a lot.This was a big change for me as during our whole married life I have not done anything other then family activities. I dot not have any friends that I socialize with at all. She is my only friend.I had never taken the time for myself out of feelings of guilt thinking I should be spending time with them.When she first told me this I was angry and withdrew from our relationship emotionally (she stopped wearing her wedding band) thinking she had just communicated that she was unhappy and it was over so why bother trying.A month went by like this and things exploded she wanted to know why I had not tried to make things better. I explained I thought we were over. After some discussions we are both confused. She has moved out and I just want things to be the way they were before I became self centered. We are not angry with each other she only lives a mile down the road and the day she moved out we made the move together we spent the whole day with each other. (As I said above she is my only friend I dedicated myself entirely either to my family or to my job.I am lost I have nobody) I loved it and told her I did not want her to move out but she needs me to prove it is not just because I do not want to be alone. Maybe she deserves better and who am I to ask her to settle for me and a boring average life. We do have fights and anyone who tells you they don't is not being truthful I do love her but I think she could do better than me. What if I convince her to come back and just end up wasting move of her life before she finally decides she has had enough. It does not help that she has watched her mother deal with her father in a less then satisfy relationship for her whole life and her mother did not have the strength to make a change. She fears the same thing is happening to her. I am thoroughly confused if I try really hard am I being honest? Should you have to try that hard if you are really in love or should it come naturally? Can I sustain the changes that I make or will I be angry because I feel I am giving things up and not getting to do things I enjoy. If I let her go because I don't make her happy does that mean no don't care or I love her and want her to be happy? This is killing me from the inside out. We have spent over half of our lives together I am like a ship lost at sea. I am so sad.

Last edited by sauce57207; 05-16-2009 at 11:15 PM.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 05-17-2009, 08:40 AM
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NC
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Re: My wife needs more from me.


If you really lover her, then you have to work on yourself and the relationship. I am in a similar situation. You need to make yourself happier for you first. I find myself thinking the same things regarding not being good enough etc., but then I stop it and realize that you can't worry about that and keep on working on yourself. I don't think she is asking you to give up things you like but you need to find out what she needs, really needs.

I thought by working and being the man and spending our time together as a family were the right things, I forgot that before we were a family with a child that it was her and I a couple and some where along the line I forgot that. I realized that I gave up a part of myself - the part she liked when I did that and I gave up her as my wife (she became the mom). You've got to reconnect with her. Someone suggested a book to me on this board which I read and it helped put things in perspective for me. It is called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. After reading that book and talking with family and friends I realized that just because I thought my actions were showing her my love, she wasn't seeing it because she was looking for other things in her love language.

For me I realized I need to spend quality time with my wife, then my son, and then us as a family. And by quality time I don't mean doing everything together - we were doing that as a family and that was one of the problems - I mean just focused time with her.

I'm no expert and I've got a long journey myself, but just believe in yourself, make yourself happier in life and things just seem to change around you.
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