Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-27-2012, 07:34 PM Thread Starter
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Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

If you are reading this, I appreciate it and thank you in advance for you feedback and help.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years. 5 years dating and over 1 year married(no kids). Between us we have always agreed on important issues such as kids, career, family, friends. We also have become best friends over years sharing each others interest and doing mostly everything together. She also got along well with my family(Mom and brother as well as big extended close knit family of cousins)

Our relationship cruised along without a hiccup until a year and half ago when we purchased our first house, and there was conflict with mom and her because of their differing views on money and trust. From there the relationship deteriorated rapidly. When it came to our wedding day, my mother caused a lot of issues because of her actions to withhold my dad from the ceremony because of their past, she was also inconsiderate in her actions with my wife's family. The issues between my wife and my mother continued after with my mom denying any wrong doing and telling my wife she is over sensitive and blames her personality. This continued to escalate during our marriage and came to boiling point this past June, and we decided that my wife will not see my mom or need to speak with her until she was over the hurt and pain. Although we were better for a while, she continued to say this was only a temporary fix, and was always pained by the past and thinking about the future where she would have to see her again and perhaps worse problems when we have children.

On my part, I was not able to stand up for my wife enough in their first encounter with the house, and with the wedding. She has said that she did not feel protected and safe around me anymore because I did not defend her. After we were married though, I did stand up to my mom when she was out of line, and protected my wife. This still seemed too late though as she continues to bring up how I was not there before.

Over the past year of marriage, we would have periods of happiness and then fights over the past events and issues that has happened. She could never let go of the events that ruined our wedding. Most of all she cannot accept the fact she does not have the relationship with her mother in-law that she has always wanted. She thinks in her mind that her mother in-law is just as important as her husband.

The bubble burst last week, as she said she was unhappy, and her hatred for my mother has caused to be crazy and depressed person. She does not think she is a good fit in my family, and although she loves me and does not think she will find a better husband, she needs to find that in-law family that she wants.

She has moved out for a week now, and I am so confused by her actions. She came up with the boundaries of the separation being that she will not have any sexual relations with anyone and I would need to do the same. Her family tells me she crys to sleep at night, and is going out with her friends trying to block out the pain. She reaches out to me by phone and text telling me she is hurting, but she wants to be strong because it was her decision. Finally today, I found out that she contacted my brother and asked him if I was doing ok, and that she probably has made up her mind for a divorce.

We still have not moved forward with any office documents of separation or divorce, but from my conversation with her today, it could be coming soon. I feel helpless as she tells me she still loves me, but she cannot be happy with my family. I do not want a divorce and would do everything I can to keep us together, but I feel like she has given up.

I appreciate any advice and feedback.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-27-2012, 07:42 PM
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

My mom caused the same problems. You need to sit your mom down and tell her that your family comes first. When you married your W, your mom was no longer needed for family matters.

If you have to choose one or the other, unfortunately your Mom must go. If she doesn't respect you and your W enought to stay out of things, then it's time for you to act as a protecting husband and cut ties with mom. Sit down with your W and tell her that's what you did and you would like to work on your marriage if she will be willing to try. Get marriage counseling and even individual counseling to figure out why your still attached to Mom enough to put her before your W.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-27-2012, 07:43 PM
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

By the way, how often does your mom call you?
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-27-2012, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

I talk to my mom about once per week. I have never been very close to my mom, but I am her first born, and she tries to hang on to me more than my brother. I have already made it clear to her that my wife will come first and my wife also knows that.

I just can't imagine throwing away our marriage because she cannot get a long with my mom...
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-27-2012, 08:22 PM
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

Are you sure that's the reason?
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-27-2012, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

It is the only reason she has been unhappy and what she really wants. I am sure she is not cheating.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-29-2012, 10:49 PM
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

Have you thought of asking her to talk to a counselor about this with you? Seems a bit extreme, but there isn't enough detail here for me to really get the full picture.

Please visit my blog for more relationship articles and advice, or check out my latest gift and greeting card designs.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-21-2014, 01:42 PM
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

I'm going through the same thing right now. It'll be our 15th anniversary in July. We have 3 kids.

But my wife held out long enough. She's done. She never told me the full extent of her unhappiness until recently but by that time she'd already burnt herself out.

We're going to try marriage counseling. I'm not very hopeful. It's a very complicated situation. I'm an only child and my mother is single. I kind of foresee our marriage having to entirely fall apart before we can ever attempt to try and rebuild it again. We've told each other how much we love each other and that we never want our friendship to ever end. But as spouses, it's a relationship that's just not working. There should be no 3rd parties in a marriage.

You must make it abundantly clear to your mother that you need full detachment for a while and really follow through with it.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-21-2014, 01:44 PM
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

Zombie thread alert...

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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Wife wants separation/divorce because of in-laws

I am currently going through the same thing with my husband and his family. It is wearing me out and I am starting to regret marrying him. In my eyes he is a coward. Not once has he protected me or stood up for me only his family. That alone hurts and we have a child. I am in a lot of doubt about our marriage and its foundation. I did not marry to be left alone, ignored or not stood up for. I have always defended myself and because of that, I am frowned upon why they seem to think they are angelic. When in fact his mother is the one that started the entire thing. Jealousy and envy.... I am sure of it. Oh well. All good things come to an end.

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