krmrswy_19

I like that you got your point across but if I was you, I would stop writing her all that stuff. You're trying to convince her of things she probably already knows and if I was her, that would just push me away even more. You know in your heart and so does everybody else including her, so why do you need to write her emails telling her those things and then what other people think of her?

Rhea

We say these things because
A) we're in pain
B) people like Crushed's spouse and others NEED to see some of the things they chose to ignore
C) Again his spouse and other's need to know they are LOVED, alot of these people are screaming out for more and more people to love them when truely they need to learn to LOVE themselves FIRST.

CrushedInNY

krmrswy_19 said - "I like that you got your point across but if I was you, I would stop writing her all that stuff. You're trying to convince her of things she probably already knows and if I was her, that would just push me away even more. You know in your heart and so does everybody else including her, so why do you need to write her emails telling her those things and then what other people think of her?"

Thanks to both of you for the varying opinions. I have ceased sending Monique "finger pointing" e-mails as of Tuesday 6/16. It was just causing escalating anger back and forth for both of us, nothing was getting accomplished. Yes, she knows what she's done, but still "hiding from most of it" emotionally. Friends of hers that talked to her just days ago, e-mailed me saying that based on what she told them, she doesn't know yet if this is the real deal out there "forever" with him, or if it's just a 10 year itch / fling she needed to get out of her system brought on by depression or whatever. When I e-mailed Monique point blank asking if she considered us over forever (like she did right away with her first husband), she replied with saying she doesn't see herself with me "right now" (nothing like pointing out the obvious since she's not here right now ) so, I am in a sort of emotional limbo land.

Monique had requested her best clothing and laptop, so I spent $58 shipping it UPS on Thursday 6/18, and yesterday I e-mailed her about what she would like to do about the joint mortgage on our home. Since it's a rational e-mail, hopefully we will start making some progress. I haven't heard from her in 5 days though, so I'll just have to wait and see. Below are excerpts from the long e-mail about our house -

"Hi Monique,

On 6/15 you wrote –

“Put it on the market or i can sign it over or you”

But on 6/16 you wrote –

“Yes i know u need a roomate lots of people do.10 years ago u knew that. That is why u should keep the house and get 2 roomates.”

Can you please clarify whether you want us to put our house on the market or not?
You’ve confused me by saying “put it on the market” one day, but then saying “you should keep the house” the next day.
If you want it to go on the market, then I do know that your signature would be required as well as mine since we’re co-owners.

Please keep in mind that if you decide you want it to be put on the market, that we just have no way of knowing how long it will take to sell.
So IF it doesn’t sell before if or when money runs out, you and I will still face likely foreclosure, no more credit or credit cards for 10 years, etc.
So I’m asking you to please consider / reconsider keeping the option open for what I understand you are choosing so far to not want to do for your own reasons, which is coming back here to work some job wherever (just like I would be) to just bring in enough money to keep the mortgage payments up to avoid foreclosure / ruined credit for both of us until it sells.
You signing the house over to me isn’t an acceptable option to me. I don’t feel that only I should be worried about 10 years of ruined credit when both of us agreed in 2005 to enter into this mortgage together.

I’m not questioning your reasons Monique for why you choose what you choose anymore, I’ve already said all I needed to say to you about my opinions of your choices about what has happened between us up to this point. I’m only asking for some answers about what you want to do with our home, I’m not looking to criticize you on what your answers are or why. I’d like to proceed working our house issue out with you using only rational, non-critical discussion.

I also wanted to mention that in the 3 and a half years that we were paying the mortgage here instead of still renting, that we paid approximately $800 more per month, which = about $35,000 total (about $10,000 per year).

Of course the main point in owning a home and paying out all that extra money every month in a mortgage is because it’s an investment, rather than just “throwing money out the window renting”.
Remember how we used to talk about after 10 years or so, we’d be paying less here monthly in our mortgage, as compared to people renting apartments due to how the cost of living would eventually surpass what our fixed mortgage amount is.

Lets say this was happening in 2012, 3 years from now instead. The economy and housing market could very well be in good shape at that time, and unlike right now in time when Eric A from C.B. Realty has told me that this house is only worth what we paid for it…..in a few years it could be worth more than $200,000, and since both of our names are on it, we could both theoretically walk away in a few years with a profit of $50,000 or more if we sold then ($25,000 each).

If we sell now though, we’ll only break even, and that extra $35,000 we paid out in the last 3 and a half years would have been essentially for nothing.
So from strictly a financial point of view, it doesn’t make sense to sell now (other than avoiding possible foreclosure of course).

If somebody I knew who seemed even remotely sound financially, wanted to move in here tomorrow (which still could theoretically happen at any point in the future), and was splitting the mortgage with me (basically paying your half), I’d be more than fine with it. I in no way want you to feel “forced” to be here paying on our mortgage too if you don’t “have to”. If somebody else can do that other than you, that would be fine. I really would prefer if possible that you’re not “stuck here” feeling like you have to do this, and then you’d maybe be feeling unhappy throughout the process. I don’t want that for you, if you don’t want that for you, honestly.

I don’t know yet if we can do something like both of us working here and paying the mortgage for a relatively short time, having the house on the market, but then taking it off the market if I were to get a solid roommate, so then you could go back out west if you chose to.
The point to that again being in keeping this investment instead of it just being a $35,000 luxury we both had for these few years.

I’ve joined online dating sites a few days ago even though I’m not yet ready emotionally for it. However, it could take months (or more, or less?) for me to meet and/or click with anyone.
I haven’t corresponded with anyone yet. I figured though, leave the option open for me since if I were to meet someone, be in a solid relationship for months, and they live in an apartment somewhere locally paying rent, then maybe she could move in here, sort of like what bob and roz did after being together awhile.
From my standpoint being in a house, if you’re a single woman who is looking for someone, I look pretty good “on paper” (no jokes please about some poor woman having to “put up with me”, j/k ;-) ) since I’m co-owner in a house with a wife who has removed herself from being in the marriage actively.

If you have any other ideas or points of view other than what I’ve presented in this e-mail, please feel free to let me know.
If you don’t have any other ideas, then is there anything in this e-mail in which you agree with and/or choose to do?"

CrushedInNY

Okay so she wrote me back a few hours ago and only said this -

"You can keep the house or not. If you dont want it sell it. Nothing confusing about that. I am sure there is someone in the world for everyone. I hope things work out for you."

I then replied - "If I choose to sell, you have to agree though and sign the papers, are you okay with that?"
As for "nothing confusing", I was just referring to you saying "sell the house" one day, but then "keep the house" the next day. I figured whichever one you want (if you have a preference) is valid since both of our names are on the mortgage, that's all. I was just trying to be considerate."

She then last replied with -

"yeah typing on a computer helps"

What she means by that is it's a pain to type and send e-mails on her phone, since she doesn't have a computer and/or her laptop yet. Still though, it sure seems like she's avoiding on purpose answering the question of whether she will sign the papers for putting our house up for sale.

I'm at a loss for what to do anymore with her, she's just not communicating well with me at all, she seems to be acting like her entire life before 1 month ago just doesn't even exist, and she's just trying to wash her hands of everything. It's not that simple though when a stilll legally married couple have both of their names on a house mortgage.

sirch

Stop talking to that women, go no contact with her now. Get yourself an attorney and file for divorce now! Empty all joint accounts and get yourself a new acount at a diferent bank. Let your attorney handle her from now on. She left you, let her suffer the consequences.

__________________
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"

toomanytears

Totally agree with Sirch. The attorney can deal with getting a response about the house.

__________________
"One day your life will flash before your eyes - make sure it's worth watching!"

CrushedInNY

The joint accounts were moved under my name only after she originally flew out of state without telling me, to be with another man, and then didn't contact me at all for 4 days.

I did meet with a lawyer in early June and she told me that it was best that I was holding on to the money, since she fled the state and was telling me and others that she was "in love with him" and didn't want to be here. The female lawyer actually commended me for never hitting her, and there being no record of domestic violence between us. She said most guys would have lost it and became violent, and then also broken or burned her things, which I didn't do either, it's beneath me. Burning her clothes isn't going to make me feel better or fix our financial problems.

Since Monique has not returned to see out her joint financial responsibilities with me, I'm using that money towards her half of it, and keeping track of the dollar amounts.

As for divorce, NY is the toughest. You have to be legally separated for 1 year first, followed by divorce. The lawyer said I would win based on "cruel and inhuman treatment", but it would cost $800 for the separation, followed by 3 - 4,000 for the divorce. I don't have that kind of $$$ to spend.

sirch

More advice you don't want to hear, SPEND IT! Have your attorney start doing whatever it takes to dissolve your marriage.

__________________
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"

CrushedInNY

I'm waiting for the lawyer to call me back to set up an appointment.
Monique says she's filing for divorce in Nevada. I looked it up, and yes, she can file for divorce from any state she wants. Nevada only requires 6 weeks of being there to file a divorce.

HOWEVER, where I'm lost right now (I know this is what a lawyer is for, but I'm just REALLY curious to get an answer now), is that Monique claims the following, these are her words in an e-mail to me -

"You just need to tell me if you want to do it the easy way or the hard way. If you and i file jointly its fast and easy and cheap. If you contest it you have to fly here and nevada law will divide everything in half no matter what. If you dont show up i win. So you see i win no matter what."

I can't find anywhere online that says that even though she CAN file in Nevada, that Nevada divorce laws would apply to a New York marriage / divorce. ALL of our marital property is here in NY, always has been for our 10 year marriage, so it just doesn't make any sense to me that Nevada laws can dictate our divorce. Let alone that I'd have to fly to NV for any reason. NV is a community property state, I found that online, but NY isn't. So Nevada divorce law says that if we didn't agree on who gets what, then Nevada would spilt everything 50/50, but again, how can Nevada laws apply to everything being New York based which has different divorce laws?

CrushedInNY

I'm not doing well emotionally at all.
I met with a lawyer here for 1 hour two days ago.

Monique is filing for divorce now in Nevada, and if I contest it, I will legally have to go to Nevada from here in New York to be in a courtroom with her. I can't say how much I DON'T want to have to do that. I'd rather never see her again as compared to seeing her one more time only, and that being in a courtroom. I spent weeks here, I guess in denial to a degree, thinking she'd come around rationally and if not come back here to work on our marriage, then at least come back to work and save our house from being foreclosed and ruining our credit for 10 years. But she's so irrational since she left, that she actually has e-mailed me saying she doesn't care if the house gets foreclosed.

The lawyer here told me it's not worth the thousands it would cost me to do a New York divorce, since our financial and property assets are so little (other than the house). Monique wants $5,000, about half the $$$ that was in the bank before I moved it under my name. The lawyer told me that any judge would most likely by far would NOT award her the $$$ due to Monque's name being on the mortage too, so she's financially responsible for paying half the mortgage every month, but she hasn't been. Instead, I've been paying it and keeping track of her end of the $$$, and so far she's up to $2,000 spent on things which are in her name too as well as mine.

Monique is also dragging her feet signing the paperwork to put the house on the market, and since it's in both of our names, I can't put it up for sale without her signature too. The only way I can float this $1,300 mortgage is IF I find a full time job paying at least $15 per hour, which is not easy at all to find in this area, PLUS I'll need a roommate to split the mortgage with me. Locally I tried with everyone I even remotely know and nobody needs a place now, so it looks like I'll have to post on craigs list or something and interview strangers. Even with that though, the house can be on the market for sale and then taken off the market if I have a roommate, but, Monique is also threatening an estate sale if I don't give her the $$$ and everything else she wants. She can do it too I found out, so how many strangers would want to move into a house under those circumstances?

I'm at the end of my rope here, I just don't know what to do anymore. All I see in my near future is foreclosure, the house gone, me with ruined credit for 10 years, and lots of landlords just for renting an apartment do credit checks, so I may well have lots of trouble just renting a cheap apartment.

sisters359

I'm so sorry for you, but at the same time, I see you did this to another man--her first husband. What did you expect? She demonstrated then that she was too selfish for marriage--I will not condemn her all around; each of us has strong and weak points. But clearly, she had no qualms about leaving husband #1 in exactly the way she has now left you. PLEASE get the help you need to get through this AND to help you develop the selfesteem that will prevent you from making this mistake in the future with another woman. First and foremost, stop any relationship that seems to be developing or has already developed, the moment you find out someone is married. That is only one small level of protection, but it's an easy one. I hope your heart ache heals and you find your way to true happiness.

CrushedInNY

Actually there were key differences between her first husband and myself. When she married him at 18, it was so he could get military benefits, she only thought of him as a friend. She spent literally years telling him that she wasn't in love with him, that she wanted a boyfriend, etc. Her best friend and family also confirmed for me that was the case, but yet he chose to spend years with a woman who felt that way about him. Also, their divorce was filed, signed, and finalized weeks before she came to NY to be with me. Monique and I weren't even in the same physical location yet before she was divorced. With me and her though, she left me when we weren't even legally separated, let alone divorced.

Myself though, I saw NONE of this coming up until the end. As late as only 3 weeks before she left, she was lying to me and saying she loved me and wanted to be with me. Her best friend and family also confirmed for me that unlike her first husband, all they heard from her for 8 - 9 years was that she was in love with me and that we were made for each other. So, if she had been telling me for just weeks, forget about as long as months or years, that she loved me as only a friend and wanted to have a boyfriend, then I would have been the one saying we need to split up, work together to sell our house first, etc.
Monique didn't give me the "respect" that she gave her first husband because at least he knew where he stood, but she lied to me about her love for me (at least in the last year or so).

sisters359

I think you are splitting hairs on the way she treated each of you. You said she left her first husband quickly to be with you-- and later you say HE lived with her knowing how she felt, but the truth is, SHE stayed with him until she found someone else (you). That's the point I'm trying to make--more about her than anything else, and a warning sign you missed. I'm truly very sorry and there are lots of people who make the same mistake, thinking that the first/previous partner was the problem and YOUR relationship with this person will be different. But that person often keeps making the same mistakes and/or repeating the same behaviors, as Monique has done. I'm just trying to warn you, that's all. Yes, she has ditched you quicker, but the pattern is still the same. And since she's obviously a liar, how can you be sure she wasn't lying to her family/friends about her feelings for you? If she gave them the same line about you that she did about her first husband (oh, i don't really love him. . . ) then she looks like an idiot who made the same exact mistake twice. Her BEHAVIOR says, she didn't love YOU that much, she loved what she got from being married to you--probably your devotion. She probably ate that up for a while and then needed to get it from someone new, another challenge, another worshipper, who she'll dump when his worship stops satisfying her. You are so much better off without someone like this in your life, and I hope you will get counseling to help you see it. Best of luck.

CrushedInNY

You bring up an interesting point of view, and you may indeed be right, so I thank you for your insight. Nobody else I know personally has mentioned the possibility of what you said.
I still think though that she should have told me what she told her first husband, because if she did, we could have at least sat here together as platonic roommates waiting until our house sold. My financial disaster right now is just as important to me as the emotional heartache I'm going through.

sisters359

Oh, I am definitely not defending what she did, just trying to show the pattern. She absolutely owed you a LOT more than what she gave you--hence, my conclusion that you are better off without her. She is extremely selfish and sounds very narcissitic. No happiness down that road, long term.

My husband is obsessed with finances right now and I'm trying to make the financial impact as little as possible. We do not want to put our house for sale in this market, so we plan to refinance, get the mortgage down enough for one person to handle most of it, and find the least expensive apt. for the other one of us, depending on where the apt. is. The kids will stay in the house while he and I take turns being there with them. This is only until next summer, when we will put the house up for sale regardless of the market at that time. I'm willing to wait, but not forever. She owes you $$$ toward the mortgage, if her name is on it, but the hassle of collecting might not be worth it. I hope it works out better than you expect.

Oh, and beware if she tries to come crawling back after finding out what a loser she has run to. Make up your mind before hand whether you would even consider it or not and under what circumstances. Sounds like she is going to be totally broke and that will put a huge strain on the new relationship, and you may start to look pretty good again. Be prepared.