My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-24-2009, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Location: Saugerties, NY
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Unhappy My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

This is a long post, please be patient if possible. My wife of 9 years (together for 10 years) Monique left me suddenly last Saturday 5/16. I'm 43 and she's 36. This is my first marriage and her second. In April, she told me that she wasn’t happy with x y and z things, but they were mostly minor, easily fixable things.
I had become guilty of complacency over the years….taking us for granted, not paying enough attention to her, not doing as much as I could around the home, that sort of stuff. I never did anything majorly bad, you know, the classic “what a jerk” stuff….I never hit her or abused her physically in any way (I’m very against men hitting women), never cheated on her, never was irresponsible with our money.
She told me in April 2009 that in 2007 she started feeling indifferent, and then over the next 2 years, it had regressed into falling out of love. I was upset that she didn't sit me down at any point in that long period of time and say "listen, we have to talk, we're in trouble". She did make quick comments here and there over that time period like "I don't want to talk about that whatever thing, it doesn't matter to me, we have our own issues". In hindsight, I wish I would have said "what do you mean?", but instead I chalked it up to her just being moody again.

So from day 1 last month when she tells me what she wants from me to try and help heal our marriage, I was doing those things day after day. This went on for about 4 weeks and then on Monday 5/11, she tells me she’s decided we’re separated with no valid reason attached.
I then hear her on the phone that night, and of course I know her inside and out, and I hear the way she’s talking is “different”. It wasn’t hard for me to figure out that it was a guy and someone who she was thinking of more than a friend. This went on for 2 more days when on Wednesday 5/13 she finally admits to me “I’m not happy about feeling guilty that I have feelings for someone other than you” (I have that in writing). So, I’m a basket case by this point, it continues every night through Saturday 5/16, when at that point it got to be too much for me and I asked her to get off the phone with him after I was out at a friends for 3 hours because I couldn’t handle hearing her anymore on the phone. She said no, so I took the handset from her and hung up the phone. She then jumped in the car, I went out to ask where she was going, she had the front door locked, so I opened the back door and before I had a chance to get in the car at all, she gunned it in reverse and I arched backwards just in time to avoid the force of the back door slamming shut from hitting me.

About 5 hours later at 8am on Sunday 5/17, I get a collect call from her saying “the car is on the corner”, and I say “Ok, and where are you and when are you coming home”, and she says “that’s all I have to say, bye”, and she hung up (I later found out that a co-worker gave her a ride to Albany). Minutes later I check the phone and it was from Albany airport. I’m a total emotional wreck at this point on little to no sleep (I still haven’t slept more than a few hours per day since she said we are separated), so I did some investigating and I discover that she flew one way to reno, nv. I looked on her myspace not expecting to see anything, but there I see a guys profile I didn’t recognize on her friends list, and it says age 36, location reno, nv, and then I knew that was him and that’s where she went. She flew out of state to have an affair with another man, and actually tried to hide it from me that’s what she was doing.
I then went through 3 days of agony I’ve never felt, in part due to her not calling or e-mailing me, no communication at all.

Finally on Wednesday night 5/20 she calls and tells me that she’s “in love” with this guy and she wants to stay there with him. She’s supposedly coming back here on 6/6 for “a few weeks to wrap things up” and pack up her stuff, we have to decide who gets what. The bigger problem though financially is the house is in both our names, and she asked me to let her off the mortgage, but I said no because I bring home less than $2,000 per month and the mortgage is $1,300 per month. I as of now don’t have any realistic prospective roommate option to help split the payments with me. So I talked to her again and said the only option I can see is that she’ll have to put her new life on hold and stay here in the house with me as platonic roommates with separate bedrooms, and we’ll have separate bank accounts and keep paying on the house until it sells, which could maybe take a year or who knows how long in this economy. She reluctantly said okay, but maybe for “2 or 3 months”, but I’ll worry about that more in future days. Right now it’s one step, one day at a time. I’ve always been in love with her, I still love her, I don’t know how long it will take me to get over her, and now I’m facing being in the same house with her where she can do whatever she wants and I have no say, and I’d have to act like it’s all fine, like as if she was some casual roommate to which I didn’t care what they did.

She’s not being sensitive at all to the emotional grief / loss I’m feeling, she’s doing things like this update she put on myspace yesterday –
"Monique is home with Alton 20 hours ago from mobile
Mood:Finally happy"
We’re both still employed at ********** (but I’m leaving shortly to go work at ****** ******** instead, because one of her April concerns was that she felt both me and her at the same work place had hurt our marriage, so I said fair enough and got another job. I’m about to start there on 6/1 at $12 per hour, a more than $2 per hour cut in pay for me), and everyone there who liked and respected her at ***********, is now disgusted in particular about the part of leaving the state without telling me at the drop of a hat to be with another guy.

She literally bought the plane ticket about an hour after she drove away that night, and she did this when she already had a roundtrip ticket for “visiting her family” on the west coast from 5/30 – 6/6. Work almost fired her for job abandonment, but apparently they decided to hold her job until she returns to NY on 6/6. It’s for the best that I leave ********* since supposedly she’ll be back there the week of 6/7 for whatever amount of time. She literally left with only the clothes on her back, she’s been buying clothes on her CC out there along with other basic necessities.

When I spoke with her this week, she didn’t sound like her at all, way too all over the place sounding mentally, and saying how if the house gets foreclosed that it doesn’t matter, bad credit doesn’t matter, all that matters is the heart is happy and free, etc. She’s never in 10 years been irresponsible about money before.
I know she’s feeling a lot of guilt deep down for doing this horrendous thing to me / us, but she’s not letting herself feel that (yet).
Instead, she’s made up this hurtful excuse about putting it off on me, and she’s telling and texting people that she’s “afraid of me” and how I “tried to grab her out of the car”. When I asked her on the phone a couple days ago about this (I remained calm the whole time on the phone, I knew yelling or whatever would just probably cause her to hang up), she said to me “yes I had to leave the state because I was scared for my safety”. I told her that not only wasn’t I even in the car so no “trying to grab” scenario even happened (or would have happened), she just said yes it would, etc, and I said “look, you’re speculating about what you thought was going to happen, it’s not factual, and in 10 years together, I never hurt you physically, so for you to think now all of a sudden I would become physically abusive towards you, that’s just not based in reality”.

Obviously I’m the one being rational and logical about it, but again, she’s too messed up mentally right now to face reality.
If she had done this anytime in the first 6 years of our marriage, I’d “only” be facing her taking stuff out of the $500 rental, and be gone. But due to the mortgage and both our names on it and I can’t pay it alone, I’m in a world of probable financial trouble now, which is difficult for me to take in at the same time as losing the woman I love.

I've always had abandonment issues from my parents throwing me out on the street as a kid. I was single living alone from age 20 - 33. I got lonely sometimes but I was used to it. Now though, I've grown very dependant on her, at the very least, presense. That's been ripped away from me, I keep waking up after an hour or two in a sweat. Even during the years she was here with me, I'd commonly wake up if she got up before me because I'd sense somehow that she wasn't next to me in our bed anymore.
But now, I’ve been abandoned in the worst way I could have ever imagined and if I could turn back the clock 10 years and saw this day coming, I probably never would have gotten serious with her. In the last week besides very limited food or sleep, I alter several times a day from an uncomfortable “numb” feeling, to it all hits me again and when I break down, I’ve thrown up twice from crying so hard. It’s been less than 2 weeks since this nightmare started, but it feels like 2 months or whatever.

Note too the sad irony in this which is that she left her first husband of 8 years quickly to be with me, and now 10 years later she’s done it again. Monique was from the west coast and we met online in a Tori Amos chat room, and we went from chatting, to talking on the phone, to her flying here to be with me face to face in a span of less than 6 weeks. After a few days here, neither of us wanted to leave so she never went back. We were literally living together from day 1 that we were in the same location. When she got here to NY state in April 1999, she said she had to know what it would be like to be with me physically, because in her first marriage she said she was always repulsed when she had sex with her first husband. So she said she'd never go through that again and even though we connected emotionally and personality wise, she also needed to know that I would make her "quiver", as she put it, in bed. Fortunately for us, that was the case.

10 years ago when she was here on the phone with her first husband, she’d let me listen as she was telling him “you know I was never in love with you, I loved you as a friend, I never should have married you, and I’m never going to be with you again”. With me though, she said last week “I was in love with you for many years (which I know is true), then I became indifferent, then I fell out of love, but I don’t know what the future holds so I’m leaving open the option that you and I may possibly reconcile in the future”.

I’m unable to put any weight behind possible reconciliation down the road, I just can’t emotionally handle, or want to handle, waiting for the phone to ring 6 months or a year from now and possibly hear her say “I made a mistake, I want us back”. I have to just let that notion go and I need to consider me and her to be done. Of course we have to be legally separated for 1 year in NYS before any kind of divorce would be granted. Since Wednesday night 5/20 on the phone, she has repeatedly tried to convince me to keep the house, and my gut tells me (which is very rarely wrong with her) that she’s not consciously realizing it, but what she’s doing is wanting to keep me and the house to be here for her just in case the day comes if / when she wants us back again, a sort of “back up insurance policy” for her. It seems to me that she doesn’t want me to go back in some crappy low rent apartment, because she wouldn’t want that either. Now that I’ve had a house for a few years, of course I don’t want to go back to renting an apartment, but it’s very likely that’s what’s going to happen sooner rather than later.

I found possible answers to her behavior this week, which I e-mailed to her and she’s not accepting it at all, she laughed at me and said “if that’s what you need to make yourself feel better about this, you go right ahead”.
Some women in their mid 30s in a long term relationship start feeling “old and stale”, and some of them enter a severe case of female mid-life crisis which have specific symptoms. She executed all of the 5 symptoms in the URL below. “Provocation” in particular hit me hard because she was on the phone with this guy, and somewhere mentally in this mid-life crisis, she knew that she was provoking me into some form of confrontation, and by me hanging up the phone, in her mind, it “justified” her leaving, which she then exaggerated into her ugly fantasy about thinking I was going to physically hurt her.
midlife crisis - woman / female | LifeTwo

I talked to a married couple at work who, unknown to me before (they’re both about 40), they were together since mid 20s, and when the wife was 35, she told me herself this week how in a pretty short span of time, was telling her husband that she couldn’t deal with him anymore, etc, and she left quickly to be with someone else. After about 6 months of that, she said she still felt not right emotionally, so she went to a therapist and that’s when she learned about this specific form of severe female mid-life crisis. She then reconciled with her husband a few months later and they’ve been together ever since.

That’s a bit besides the point though, because as for me at this moment in time, Monique has crossed way too big of a line by initiating a physical relationship with someone else (her and I had sex as recently as this month before she said the separation thing on 5/11), coupled with the unfounded “being scared of me” thing, because she knows how hurtful that it is to me since I’m so against that and have never done it to any female.
So, if she comes here, and it’s a separate rooms platonic scenario, that’s “fine” with me (and I use fine loosely because nothing about any of this is fine), because I am not capable now, nor do I want to, be actively engaged in a marital type relationship with her. That wasn’t the case a week ago when it was “only” some phone based fantasy / plan that she hadn’t yet executed. Now that she has though, it changes everything forever.

I just don’t know what comes next. I can’t rely her for anything now, and if she does come here, I’ve already imagined awful scenarios on her end like maybe when I’m at work during different hours than her, will she pack minimal stuff and smash the TV or whatever, and drive across country in our car to be gone for good? That’s another wrinkle in this, she wanted to buy a new car last year so we’re only 11 months into a 5 year car loan which is $300 per month, and it’s in both of our names, so she could come here and I guess just take it if she wanted to and then I’m left with no car to get to work, etc. Trying to process all that has happened so quickly, coupled with the huge question marks about finances, the house, possible foreclosure, my credit ruined, etc, it’s just too much for me to take all in and it’s hard for me to speak out loud in complete thoughts without losing my train of focus.

Any and all advice / replies to this will be greatly appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read my very long post.

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post #2 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-24-2009, 12:59 PM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

well my honest opinion - separate rooms , nah dont work. keep her out. as hard as this is. yeh your confused as to everything thats gone on. but you want this over your head for the rest of your natural. no you dont.
i know its all a mess, but you have alot to deal with mentally and physically with regards to finances. id make a start on sorting accounts out.
baby steps, one by one.
when i realised my marriage was near the end. obviously my children were and are my priority - i have put no restrictions on when H can see the boys. he pays maintenance, which has now been established.
he has moved out - this feels really good.
im taking over the house and im buying him out.
ive sorted all the bills into my name.
nothing is simple but it can be organized. like you say and i agree maintain focus. i have , but its because im not prepared to stay in an unhappy one sided marriage.
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post #3 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-24-2009, 02:12 PM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Dude, I feel your pain!! I truly do! Been there, done the tee-shirt too.

You need to sever ALL ties to her NOW! Clear any joint accounts, sell the house, get away from her!

I know it hurts! I still feel the pain myself and it's been a month since I found out. It's hard, especially after 10 years...I know!

Let her go, get your life together. Please. I so much wanted to drive off a cliff...but I didn't. You will heal and it will take time.

Hang in there, dude! PM me if you want...I'll give you my phone nr if you want someone to talk to. I know what you're going through.

It ain't illegal until you're caught!
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post #4 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-24-2009, 10:53 PM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Wow, your wife sounds like my ex its been six months. He is now living with her moved in the next day. He's telling everybody that I am out to get him which I would never do that and he knows it we were together for fifteen years. people tell me its because he knows something bad is coming his way. KARMA, I guess. Well she did it once to her ex... My ex used to say. "you do it once, you will only do it once but if you do it twice it will happen a third time" The other guy can expect the same thing happen to him in the long run or maybe he will do it to her...Just take care of yourself and think of yourself now... Whatever she is doing is cold and well she will not wake up until its toooooo really tooo late... But based on her first marriage she will never wake up. So stay strong and move on...BE SMART
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post #5 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-26-2009, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Update : I e-mailed this to Monique 2 days ago -


I just wanted to say that I hope you’ll work with me to be as fair and civil to each other as we both can be during this life changing period for both of us.
I do not want us to walk away from each other after we’ve resolved matters in NY, as hating each other.
I personally don’t want to carry that negative feeling inside me, it’s already all I can do to not have a nervous breakdown with the loss of you and everything else associated with it, so to add hatred on top of that is too much bad emotion on top of how destroyed I already feel.

I’d never wish you harm, and if the day ever comes for you (and I hope it doesn’t) in which you’re hurt and need help or someone to talk to, I definitely wouldn’t want you sitting there if you wanted to call me, but then you say to yourself instead - “no I can’t call him, he hates me”.
I know you care about me, even if it doesn’t seem that way to me in recent days. So as long as you continue to care about me on any level, then I can do the same towards you, so please do whatever you can to work with me in keeping that as a reality."

She replied to that with -

"i appreciate your efforts in reaching out as a friend. Without wanting to hurt u i still want u to know that im happy. I hope as a friend you can be happy for me. I know that might not be possible."

I didn't reply to her with the following, because I have no energy to battle with her, but my feeling on this is...... be happy for her? Are you kidding me? This so called happiness was achieved how? By walking out on me and destroying me. I think it's insensitive to say the least that she would e-mail that to me. Why couldn't she reply instead with something more like - "I don't want us to hate each other either, it means a lot to me that you're trying to be so big about this, thank you for that"......or anything along those lines?

Last week 3 days before she left, she wrote on paper to me - "I'm scared to death to see what happens next but I soldier on. That is what you do when **** ****s up, you spring back".

How is she "soldiering on"? She actually thinks this was a "brave" thing she did? How does abandoning your husband of a decade, flying across country to another guy, leaving your job, house, cats, real world responsibilities behind without any warning equal "soldiering on"?
She hasn't been single a day in her life since she was 16. I'm the one left behind alone and with all of this to deal with. I'm the one who in the last week is "soldiering on". Monique on the other hand, as far as I'm concerned, has done an incredibly selfish and cowardly thing.

Thanks for the replies so far, but unfortunately I still have no choice at this time other than to let her back in the house to split bills with me. I know it's going to be a very uncomfortable / sad thing for me to deal with, but I have no financial choice at this point. Without any other roommate option (so far, and it's not looking too good), then I simply HAVE to have another person helping me pay the mortgage and bills.
If Monique doesn't stick to her word and do this, then I WILL lose my house to foreclosure within a few months, and I WILL have my credit ruined for at least 10 years.
Monique has chosen to put me in this (what was previously) unthinkable emotional and financial hell, and I just don't have any other options right now.
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post #6 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-28-2009, 07:12 PM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

I am really saddened by your story and I hope you can get through this. Though my wife did not do exactly what your wife did, she did leave and treats me like I am an alien and I still dont know what I did. I feel your pain, I am living it as well. I have yet to "know" that she is with someone else, but she lies and I am sure she is. Keep us updated and read my post if you want to see what I have been through.

take care and I will check back soon.
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post #7 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-30-2009, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Thanks Sportsman, I read some of your posts. You know, they say that when you're in pain, that it's comforting to know you're not alone, but I'm not really feeling that. I'm mainly just sad that there are so many other people out there going through basically what I'm going through.

Monique has been gone 2 weeks at this point, and will supposedly be back here in 1 week on 6/6 to do the whole platonic roommates, split the mortgage thing, and I'm still very anxiety ridden about that. Communication between us has been very minimal in the last week or so, and I know it's because she's out west focusing her time and attention on him instead, so she really doesn't want to talk or think about me and us right now, and I guess I can understand that (in some form of dysfunctional way).

Yesterday was my last day at my 5 year, 8 month job, and it was really hard. Lots of people saying goodbye to me and saying how awesome I was, and I got a card that tons of people signed for me.
I came home a blubbering mess and since I associated work with Monique so much, I called her cell and was crying as I left her a message since she didn't pick up just basically saying how hard it was to leave there for the last time, and how I was alone and she wasn't there for that, and how the combination of the loss of her / us and then leaving my job was just so much to take at once now. I told her she didn't have to call me back or anything, and that I just needed to tell her how I was feeling just then.
About an hour later she did call me back though for less than a minute asking me if I was feeling any better yet, and I said yes because after I called her, I was then on the phone with a friend for the last hour. Talking to friends as much as possible has been keeping me somewhat grounded. I thanked her for calling me back even though I had said in the message that she didn't have to and I didn't even ask her to. So, like her best friend keeps telling me, Monique still cares about me deep down even though she no longer wants to be in a marital relationship with me.

I know there are people on this board who have it worse than me, people who would have gone through what I did yesterday and had an estranged spouse not call them back at all and / or maybe have gotten a rude call back or whatever.

I'm not sure if the below picture of Monique will be visible on this board or not, but I just felt like putting one of my favorite "casual picture in our home" shots on here.
For those of you who have an appreciation for physically beautiful people, you may understand why it's so hard for me to lose her.....even though the emotional / love connection loss of her is what's primarily causing me so much heartache.
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post #8 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-30-2009, 02:37 PM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

No offense against anybody but honestly she's not that cute to begin with. Not only that but she has an ugly heart if she would treat somebody she use to love like that. I say that you just act like you dont care about her anymore. I'm going through something similar and if you act like you don't care about the other person, it usually becomes a reality and u really kinda stop caring and second, she may see that as a challege. Either way I say get on with ur life and try as hard as u can to sell the house so u don't have to see her and be hurt every day by her.
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post #9 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-30-2009, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Originally Posted by krmrswy_19 View Post
No offense against anybody but honestly she's not that cute to begin with. Not only that but she has an ugly heart if she would treat somebody she use to love like that. I say that you just act like you dont care about her anymore.
No offense taken of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Yes, of course she shouldn't have treated / done to us what she did.
At least I could have said "fair enough" if she told me she considered us separated and 5 days later flew to stay with her brother and rebuild her life somewhere else the "normal" way such as get a job, meet someone new after awhile has passed, etc.
As for "acting" like I don't care about her anymore, I'm too honest and blunt of a person to put on a fake front like that.
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post #10 of 69 (permalink) Old 05-31-2009, 11:33 AM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Originally Posted by CrushedInNY View Post
No offense taken of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Yes, of course she shouldn't have treated / done to us what she did.
At least I could have said "fair enough" if she told me she considered us separated and 5 days later flew to stay with her brother and rebuild her life somewhere else the "normal" way such as get a job, meet someone new after awhile has passed, etc.
As for "acting" like I don't care about her anymore, I'm too honest and blunt of a person to put on a fake front like that.
I dont agree with KRM, but I understand the mentality. If we can just stop "Caring" like our wives have done it would be easier to let go. I think that was the point trying to be made. Believe me, my wife is beautiful, she will have no trouble finding another guy. It is very hard for me to think of her with another person. I wish I could just say Fu** it and move on but its not that easy..

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post #11 of 69 (permalink) Old 06-06-2009, 07:59 PM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Ah if it was just as easy as saying f*ck would that be awesome. If we could shut them out as quickly as they do us life would be wonderful...sigh (dreaming of course or else I wouldn't be living the heartbreaking hell that is my life at the moment)
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post #12 of 69 (permalink) Old 06-06-2009, 11:12 PM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

I never said it would be easy, or "a just like that" sort of thing. I am going through the same thing; my husband left me and my daughter for another girl. The mind is a powerful thing and what I'm saying is we need to change how we think about our lives and the dreams we have, and we can make miracles happen and awesome things happen for ourselves. It starts with a thought... I still hurt and I'm not saying that you just think u dont want your spouse and then you wont. I'm just saying that I would ask myself why I'm sad to have a guy out of my life that would leave me and my daughter like that? I just keep telling myself how thankful I am that I didn't waste another eight years with him, or one more day for that matter. Little things like that made me come to realize that I'm better off without him and so forth. That worked for me but everyone is different...
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post #13 of 69 (permalink) Old 06-07-2009, 12:09 AM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Stay strong "CrushedInNY". My wife left me nearly 7 months ago and I know how you feel. We have a small child which makes things even harder. But most important thing for you right now is to stay positive and remember, you will heal.

Last edited by Harris; 06-07-2009 at 12:15 AM.
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post #14 of 69 (permalink) Old 06-07-2009, 12:39 AM
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Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.


I've read all your posts on this thread and when done, I thought: "Has SHE lost her freaking mind?"

Then I saw her photo: I thought "She is gorgeous...but apparently has a cold, selfish heart" and "I am glad he posted her photo for the next poor guy, so he can identify her before he gets sucked in by her beauty".

A wolf in sheep's clothing?

When I read what you said about how she let you listen in on a phone conversation with her first ex, I thought:

"Uh, oh. Only a heartless, self centered woman would do that to EITHER the new guy or the awful; she was using you BOTH for her drama and putting herself into the position as "the center of attention" and the "wanted" woman by two men".

When I read about how she wanted "space" at your jobs....and YOU were the one who had to "leave" a place of 5 years of employment...and it was HER suggestion for "space"? This reason is just too weird, and seems as if she was manipulating YOU.

I am so, so sorry, NY: I think here is something deeply wrong with you wife. She has lost her mind, if ever she had one.

You don't run off and leave your spouse of nine years for some guy...well, I guess some women do, SHE has NOW done it to TWO husbands.

Hmmm.....once a mistake maybe? Twice a habit.

Run NY, Run away from this woman and just think of her jilting as a FAVOR.
Sandy55 is offline  
post #15 of 69 (permalink) Old 06-12-2009, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Saugerties, NY
Posts: 36
Re: My wife said she wants a separation, and left 5 days later for another man.

Originally Posted by Sandy55 View Post

I've read all your posts on this thread and when done, I thought: "Has SHE lost her freaking mind?"

I am so, so sorry, NY: I think here is something deeply wrong with you wife. She has lost her mind, if ever she had one.
She didn't come back on 6/6, and she says she's not.
I went from being afraid of how she may or may not mentally breakdown when she got here, into the last 3 days this awful "I'm never going to see her again" empty despair.
Part of me knows it's probably for the best, but I can't say how much I hate that the last day I saw her on 5/16, was that awful night when she sped off in the car.
I wanted to take this time now of us selling the house together to wait whatever amount of days until she calmed down or whatever, and use that time to honor our shared mutual love for all those years....end it with some relaxed positive time together doing "little things" we both enjoyed.

What happened is, on Friday 6/5, the sh*t hit the fan because that was one day before coming back here, and she had been in "disneyland" with this other guy for almost 3 weeks, just using her visa card for everything. Well, I came home from work to a very angry message from her because visa put a hold on her card for late payment. So she told them to take the $1,800 out of the bank, but I had only left $1,000 in the bank in our joint account for emergency cash if she needed it while she was out there. The rest of the money, about $10,000, I moved under my own new account, since she fled the state without telling me, then silence for 4 days, followed by telling me she was "in love with him". So everyone I know told me since we only had a joint bank account, and since she she had no desire to be here anymore, that I needed to protect myself and move all that money since ~I~ am the one in this house with an outstanding mortgage that still owes $144,000+ on it.

I then spent $150 on a lawyer who told me that was my legal right, plus she agreed since Monique left the marriage, home, job, etc that it was the best thing for me to do to insure that Monique wouldn't clean out the bank account for her "new life" with him in Nevada.

As it turns out, my instincts that this new guy had no money and/or financial issues were correct. Monique told me they had no cash to drive the 200 or so miles for the airport trip the next day. I asked her if he had family that could just lend them like $30 for gas money, and she called me back and said "not that it's any of your business but they're all on welfare in trailers, so no, they don't have any cash for us". He apparantly has / had most of his work check garnished and/or held up due to owing so much in back support for all the kids from the previous 2 marriages he had.
So I then called Monique back early saturday morning about 5 hours before she needed to be at the airport, cuz the night before neither of us though of an obvious answer, which was that I could western union some cash to her, so I sent her $100 at her request for gas and food. She then called me back about 20 minutes after her flight was supposed to have left, and claimed she didn't make it to the airport in time.

I then told her on Sunday that I'd be willing to buy her a 1 way ticket for Monday, since she had to be back at work here on Tuesday or get fired. She then told me she'd only do it if I first paid her credit card bills, which were a total of over $4,000. I said no, that I'd split those bills with her after she showed good faith and came back here and worked to help put money into our house. Until then, she has given me no proof that she'd actually come back and I'll be damned if I'm gonna take almost half the money in the bank to pay her CC bills. Luckily for me, she opened both credit cards 10 years ago under her name only on the account and I was just an authorized secondary card holder with the same CC numbers as her. So I spoke to both visa and mastercard and they confirmed for me that if she doesn't pay those bills, that they can't hold me financially responsible even though we're legally married, since only her name is on the accounts.

She blew me off on Sunday about taking me up on me buying her a plane ticket, and instead on Monday she texted her boss at work (she didn't have the guts to call and speak to him), and just texted him that she quits and isn't coming back. She then e-mailed me the same thing about not coming back and asked me to send her some of her work clothes and her laptop because she's looking for a job out there. Since she left on 5/16 with nothing, she just bought some cheap shirts and jeans at wal-mart out there to get by. I agreed to it even though friends here are telling me - "screw her, SHE left, let her worry about how's she's going to get her crap, it's not your problem". While I understand that sentiment, on the other hand, legally speaking everything in this house is joint marrital property so, I think it's better that I just send her one box of clothes and her laptop as a sign of "good faith" in order to maybe prevent her from flying here someday soon and just taking / breaking whatever she wants to here.

I've e-mailed her a lot these last couple of days, including the following -
“The one sympathy I have for you is that ~I~ know you, and ~I~ know that all these terrible things you’ve done is not the “normal” part of you.
The normal part of you is a warm, caring, giving, nurturing, committed woman, and that’s the Monique that I miss so much.
For whatever reasons, the long dormant irrational part of your personality just exploded suddenly, and that part of you has created mass amounts of heartache and suffering. I know it wasn’t intentional on your part, it’s just a part of inside you that came out which was beyond your control.”

It's worth mentioning that because on the surface, people who don't know her tend to think that at her core, she's some awful selfish person, but she really isn't. She does have a good heart, she just has that one major personality flaw which unfortunately is such a big flaw, that it made this big of a mess.

An old female coworker of ours from 2003 - 2006, who knew and worked with us when we were both in love with each other, was on AIM with me and she couldn't believe this happened because she said -

"KENDRA****9 (10:06:39 AM): Wow does she have any mental health history? I mean this seems so unlike her and she would always talk to me of how the two of you were meant to be together." ..................... and also -

"KENDRA****9 (10:39:11 AM): I cannot imagine what you are going through. I mean if I didn't have kids and my husband left me in the manner she did I would probably kill him. You seem to be handling it very well considering the situation. I think most people would have made the situation violent. That is possibly what she was hoping by telling you in the way she did and then being so open about the relationship so suddenly. Maybe she thought she could get you to hit her or react in another violent way so in her mind she could feel better about what she was doing."

I then took the above and e-mailed it to Monique along with the following -

"You have to acknowledge to yourself that when women are saying that to me, it has to mean a lot. So yeah, I still believe that ~subconsciously~ (not intentionally on your part) that you were putting me through all that you’re on the phone with him crap because deep down you wanted me to snap…because you know (as do I) that no matter what a girl is doing to a guy, there is never ever a legitimate reason that he can physically assault her, period.
Even with what you went through in the past with others, you were still sitting here with me actually somewhere deep inside your psyche wanting me to hurt you, because you knew that regardless of what you were putting me through, that no reason could justify me being violent to you, so therefore if I did that, you could leave with a clear conscious.
Well, at the end of the day….I won, and so did you, cuz we both knew I never did do that to you, which gives me pride, and ultimately will give you peace of mind in knowing I never attacked you physically. It doesn’t matter that initially you think or thought that I would have, fact is I didn’t, and that’s all that counts.
So I’m proud to tell anyone that after what you did by abandoning us and everything we had together, that I never gave into that level of shame and disgust of violence. You may have taken away from me every shed of any semblance of happiness I ever had, but you can never take that pride from me, and at the end of the day, I’m proud to know that you also know that I never did that to you."

So that's it for now, that's where it stands. I'm just alone and sadder than I ever thought possible. I still love her, and that feeling isn't going to go away anytime soon.
CrushedInNY is offline  
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