This is a long post, please be patient if possible. My wife of 9 years (together for 10 years) Monique left me suddenly last Saturday 5/16. I'm 43 and she's 36. This is my first marriage and her second. In April, she told me that she wasn’t happy with x y and z things, but they were mostly minor, easily fixable things.
I had become guilty of complacency over the years….taking us for granted, not paying enough attention to her, not doing as much as I could around the home, that sort of stuff. I never did anything majorly bad, you know, the classic “what a jerk” stuff….I never hit her or abused her physically in any way (I’m very against men hitting women), never cheated on her, never was irresponsible with our money.
She told me in April 2009 that in 2007 she started feeling indifferent, and then over the next 2 years, it had regressed into falling out of love. I was upset that she didn't sit me down at any point in that long period of time and say "listen, we have to talk, we're in trouble". She did make quick comments here and there over that time period like "I don't want to talk about that whatever thing, it doesn't matter to me, we have our own issues". In hindsight, I wish I would have said "what do you mean?", but instead I chalked it up to her just being moody again.
So from day 1 last month when she tells me what she wants from me to try and help heal our marriage, I was doing those things day after day. This went on for about 4 weeks and then on Monday 5/11, she tells me she’s decided we’re separated with no valid reason attached.
I then hear her on the phone that night, and of course I know her inside and out, and I hear the way she’s talking is “different”. It wasn’t hard for me to figure out that it was a guy and someone who she was thinking of more than a friend. This went on for 2 more days when on Wednesday 5/13 she finally admits to me “I’m not happy about feeling guilty that I have feelings for someone other than you” (I have that in writing). So, I’m a basket case by this point, it continues every night through Saturday 5/16, when at that point it got to be too much for me and I asked her to get off the phone with him after I was out at a friends for 3 hours because I couldn’t handle hearing her anymore on the phone. She said no, so I took the handset from her and hung up the phone. She then jumped in the car, I went out to ask where she was going, she had the front door locked, so I opened the back door and before I had a chance to get in the car at all, she gunned it in reverse and I arched backwards just in time to avoid the force of the back door slamming shut from hitting me.
About 5 hours later at 8am on Sunday 5/17, I get a collect call from her saying “the car is on the corner”, and I say “Ok, and where are you and when are you coming home”, and she says “that’s all I have to say, bye”, and she hung up (I later found out that a co-worker gave her a ride to Albany). Minutes later I check the phone and it was from Albany airport. I’m a total emotional wreck at this point on little to no sleep (I still haven’t slept more than a few hours per day since she said we are separated), so I did some investigating and I discover that she flew one way to reno, nv. I looked on her myspace not expecting to see anything, but there I see a guys profile I didn’t recognize on her friends list, and it says age 36, location reno, nv, and then I knew that was him and that’s where she went. She flew out of state to have an affair with another man, and actually tried to hide it from me that’s what she was doing.
I then went through 3 days of agony I’ve never felt, in part due to her not calling or e-mailing me, no communication at all.
Finally on Wednesday night 5/20 she calls and tells me that she’s “in love” with this guy and she wants to stay there with him. She’s supposedly coming back here on 6/6 for “a few weeks to wrap things up” and pack up her stuff, we have to decide who gets what. The bigger problem though financially is the house is in both our names, and she asked me to let her off the mortgage, but I said no because I bring home less than $2,000 per month and the mortgage is $1,300 per month. I as of now don’t have any realistic prospective roommate option to help split the payments with me. So I talked to her again and said the only option I can see is that she’ll have to put her new life on hold and stay here in the house with me as platonic roommates with separate bedrooms, and we’ll have separate bank accounts and keep paying on the house until it sells, which could maybe take a year or who knows how long in this economy. She reluctantly said okay, but maybe for “2 or 3 months”, but I’ll worry about that more in future days. Right now it’s one step, one day at a time. I’ve always been in love with her, I still love her, I don’t know how long it will take me to get over her, and now I’m facing being in the same house with her where she can do whatever she wants and I have no say, and I’d have to act like it’s all fine, like as if she was some casual roommate to which I didn’t care what they did.
She’s not being sensitive at all to the emotional grief / loss I’m feeling, she’s doing things like this update she put on myspace yesterday –
"Monique is home with Alton 20 hours ago from mobile
We’re both still employed at ********** (but I’m leaving shortly to go work at ****** ******** instead, because one of her April concerns was that she felt both me and her at the same work place had hurt our marriage, so I said fair enough and got another job. I’m about to start there on 6/1 at $12 per hour, a more than $2 per hour cut in pay for me), and everyone there who liked and respected her at ***********, is now disgusted in particular about the part of leaving the state without telling me at the drop of a hat to be with another guy.
She literally bought the plane ticket about an hour after she drove away that night, and she did this when she already had a roundtrip ticket for “visiting her family” on the west coast from 5/30 – 6/6. Work almost fired her for job abandonment, but apparently they decided to hold her job until she returns to NY on 6/6. It’s for the best that I leave ********* since supposedly she’ll be back there the week of 6/7 for whatever amount of time. She literally left with only the clothes on her back, she’s been buying clothes on her CC out there along with other basic necessities.
When I spoke with her this week, she didn’t sound like her at all, way too all over the place sounding mentally, and saying how if the house gets foreclosed that it doesn’t matter, bad credit doesn’t matter, all that matters is the heart is happy and free, etc. She’s never in 10 years been irresponsible about money before.
I know she’s feeling a lot of guilt deep down for doing this horrendous thing to me / us, but she’s not letting herself feel that (yet).
Instead, she’s made up this hurtful excuse about putting it off on me, and she’s telling and texting people that she’s “afraid of me” and how I “tried to grab her out of the car”. When I asked her on the phone a couple days ago about this (I remained calm the whole time on the phone, I knew yelling or whatever would just probably cause her to hang up), she said to me “yes I had to leave the state because I was scared for my safety”. I told her that not only wasn’t I even in the car so no “trying to grab” scenario even happened (or would have happened), she just said yes it would, etc, and I said “look, you’re speculating about what you thought was going to happen, it’s not factual, and in 10 years together, I never hurt you physically, so for you to think now all of a sudden I would become physically abusive towards you, that’s just not based in reality”.
Obviously I’m the one being rational and logical about it, but again, she’s too messed up mentally right now to face reality.
If she had done this anytime in the first 6 years of our marriage, I’d “only” be facing her taking stuff out of the $500 rental, and be gone. But due to the mortgage and both our names on it and I can’t pay it alone, I’m in a world of probable financial trouble now, which is difficult for me to take in at the same time as losing the woman I love.
I've always had abandonment issues from my parents throwing me out on the street as a kid. I was single living alone from age 20 - 33. I got lonely sometimes but I was used to it. Now though, I've grown very dependant on her, at the very least, presense. That's been ripped away from me, I keep waking up after an hour or two in a sweat. Even during the years she was here with me, I'd commonly wake up if she got up before me because I'd sense somehow that she wasn't next to me in our bed anymore.
But now, I’ve been abandoned in the worst way I could have ever imagined and if I could turn back the clock 10 years and saw this day coming, I probably never would have gotten serious with her. In the last week besides very limited food or sleep, I alter several times a day from an uncomfortable “numb” feeling, to it all hits me again and when I break down, I’ve thrown up twice from crying so hard. It’s been less than 2 weeks since this nightmare started, but it feels like 2 months or whatever.
Note too the sad irony in this which is that she left her first husband of 8 years quickly to be with me, and now 10 years later she’s done it again. Monique was from the west coast and we met online in a Tori Amos chat room, and we went from chatting, to talking on the phone, to her flying here to be with me face to face in a span of less than 6 weeks. After a few days here, neither of us wanted to leave so she never went back. We were literally living together from day 1 that we were in the same location. When she got here to NY state in April 1999, she said she had to know what it would be like to be with me physically, because in her first marriage she said she was always repulsed when she had sex with her first husband. So she said she'd never go through that again and even though we connected emotionally and personality wise, she also needed to know that I would make her "quiver", as she put it, in bed. Fortunately for us, that was the case.
10 years ago when she was here on the phone with her first husband, she’d let me listen as she was telling him “you know I was never in love with you, I loved you as a friend, I never should have married you, and I’m never going to be with you again”. With me though, she said last week “I was in love with you for many years (which I know is true), then I became indifferent, then I fell out of love, but I don’t know what the future holds so I’m leaving open the option that you and I may possibly reconcile in the future”.
I’m unable to put any weight behind possible reconciliation down the road, I just can’t emotionally handle, or want to handle, waiting for the phone to ring 6 months or a year from now and possibly hear her say “I made a mistake, I want us back”. I have to just let that notion go and I need to consider me and her to be done. Of course we have to be legally separated for 1 year in NYS before any kind of divorce would be granted. Since Wednesday night 5/20 on the phone, she has repeatedly tried to convince me to keep the house, and my gut tells me (which is very rarely wrong with her) that she’s not consciously realizing it, but what she’s doing is wanting to keep me and the house to be here for her just in case the day comes if / when she wants us back again, a sort of “back up insurance policy” for her. It seems to me that she doesn’t want me to go back in some crappy low rent apartment, because she wouldn’t want that either. Now that I’ve had a house for a few years, of course I don’t want to go back to renting an apartment, but it’s very likely that’s what’s going to happen sooner rather than later.
I found possible answers to her behavior this week, which I e-mailed to her and she’s not accepting it at all, she laughed at me and said “if that’s what you need to make yourself feel better about this, you go right ahead”.
Some women in their mid 30s in a long term relationship start feeling “old and stale”, and some of them enter a severe case of female mid-life crisis which have specific symptoms. She executed all of the 5 symptoms in the URL below. “Provocation” in particular hit me hard because she was on the phone with this guy, and somewhere mentally in this mid-life crisis, she knew that she was provoking me into some form of confrontation, and by me hanging up the phone, in her mind, it “justified” her leaving, which she then exaggerated into her ugly fantasy about thinking I was going to physically hurt her. midlife crisis - woman / female | LifeTwo
I talked to a married couple at work who, unknown to me before (they’re both about 40), they were together since mid 20s, and when the wife was 35, she told me herself this week how in a pretty short span of time, was telling her husband that she couldn’t deal with him anymore, etc, and she left quickly to be with someone else. After about 6 months of that, she said she still felt not right emotionally, so she went to a therapist and that’s when she learned about this specific form of severe female mid-life crisis. She then reconciled with her husband a few months later and they’ve been together ever since.
That’s a bit besides the point though, because as for me at this moment in time, Monique has crossed way too big of a line by initiating a physical relationship with someone else (her and I had sex as recently as this month before she said the separation thing on 5/11), coupled with the unfounded “being scared of me” thing, because she knows how hurtful that it is to me since I’m so against that and have never done it to any female.
So, if she comes here, and it’s a separate rooms platonic scenario, that’s “fine” with me (and I use fine loosely because nothing about any of this is fine), because I am not capable now, nor do I want to, be actively engaged in a marital type relationship with her. That wasn’t the case a week ago when it was “only” some phone based fantasy / plan that she hadn’t yet executed. Now that she has though, it changes everything forever.
I just don’t know what comes next. I can’t rely her for anything now, and if she does come here, I’ve already imagined awful scenarios on her end like maybe when I’m at work during different hours than her, will she pack minimal stuff and smash the TV or whatever, and drive across country in our car to be gone for good? That’s another wrinkle in this, she wanted to buy a new car last year so we’re only 11 months into a 5 year car loan which is $300 per month, and it’s in both of our names, so she could come here and I guess just take it if she wanted to and then I’m left with no car to get to work, etc. Trying to process all that has happened so quickly, coupled with the huge question marks about finances, the house, possible foreclosure, my credit ruined, etc, it’s just too much for me to take all in and it’s hard for me to speak out loud in complete thoughts without losing my train of focus.
Any and all advice / replies to this will be greatly appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read my very long post.