Why can't I let go?
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Old 05-31-2009, 12:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Why can't I let go?

Not sure if you read my other thread so I will give a brief summary. Been married 21 years, have 2 daughters 16, and 20. My husband left in March. Said he signed a 6 months lease so he would be "out" at least that long. We have tried to communicate a little since he left. Been to 2 marriage counseling sessions. The weekend before the first counseling session I confronted him about texting another women for several months. He blew up and said divorce for the first time. At counseling he said he realized over the weekend he doesn't love me (got caught doing something he shouldn't). Then we walk outside and he hands me red roses. Well, things have gone down hill from there. He filed for divorce (way to soon in our separation in my opinion). He went away overnight with someone last weekend. Last night he was texting me and said he really does want to be friends with me and sorry it isn't working out the way I want it to. I know the writing is on the wall, but part of me just can't let go. My heart is so broken. I feel like 2 months is to soon to be getting a divorce and seeing other people. We were supposed to go to counseling last Thursday but on Wednesday when I found out about the overnighter with TOW he blew up again and said counseling wasnt going to work, he wasn't going, I should move on because he's not the person who will make me happy. I guess I'm just posting this so I don't text him anything stupid. My head says give up but my heart doesn't.
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Old 05-31-2009, 04:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

You should keep trying to listen to your head. Move on from him and start NC right away. You don't need to say anything to him just go NC. If he gets angry just let him know that you're trying to heal and that not communicating with him will help you get there.

You really have to move forward from this. The more you try and talk and convince him and try and make him feel bad the more it just makes things worse. NC is your friend at this point even though it will feel like a living hell for you, it's your only way to heal.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I do understand your pain. Just make a commitment and stick to you and becoming happy with yourself.

Hang in there
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Old 05-31-2009, 05:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Boy, I have been in your shoes! Speaking from experience, it is probably best to let him go. He made his decision when he moved out. And truthfully he was probably dating before he moved out. Since I have been where you are, I can tell you time does help. There is life after divorce! Several friends kept telling me that last year and I just couldn't see it. I kept trying to make the marriage work, but my ex (to be) wasn't interested. It takes two people to make a marriage work. And you have only one person trying in your relationship--that being you.

When I was at your stage, I did find a book helpful. It is "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman. It has religious overtones, so I realize it may not be for everyone.

Hang in there!
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Old 05-31-2009, 06:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

I have left my H, but it is just as hard. I'm onlygetting my head together with NO communication. Don't think about it. Keep busy. No communication is VITAL. I know it is basic advice but it is really important you don't contact him at all. After a week or so, you will start to feel a little more in control. Just keep busy, eat well... I read a good trick. Put a rubber band around yourwrist and every time you think of hm snap it. You'll eventually stop thinking of him so much.

Stay strong!

S
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Old 06-01-2009, 12:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

My soon to be ex husband was doing the same thing. He started texting a girl and then all of a sudden he wasn't happy and wanted to be with her. I bet this is kind of what happened in ur situation, altho you may never know. Another woman can be powerful and can distroy families because it's fun and exciting to men. You should really read my post. It has good advice but i completely agree with the NC rule. That is key and it only hurts to keep in contact all the time. I also suggest reading the book, He's not that into you. I didn't think i would get much out of it from my experience, but honestly it was awesome and I learned so much. But im sorry it's a heartbreaking experience. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Hold ur head up high girl
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Old 06-01-2009, 01:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Thank you all for the advice and information. I am finding that this forum helps. I am going to try the NC thing. It is super hard to do. When someone has been a part of your everyday life for more than half your life it's hard to give up. Today was bad. At one point I was so raging inside I wanted to punch something so hard to hurt my hand. I even thought if I stepped in front of a car it would feel better than the emotional pain I feel right now. I didn't do anything dumb. It just hurts so incredibly much. My head says a lot of smart things, it's getting my heart to not take over that is the big problem. I keep thinking there is a magic phrase I could say that would turn this whole thing around. Dumb, I know. My mind races with the thoughts of him with someone else. I wonder why he can't see my willingness to change and work on things. I wish there was some hope.
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Old 06-01-2009, 09:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Yes it's the hardest thing that you will ever have to go through. You're going through withdrawals of the relationship. It's just like a heroin addict or an alcoholic. Yes you basically have to keep thinking about your future. I know it's just the minute by minute thoughts that are running through your head. Get them out on paper by journaling and talking with friends you will feel better.

Give yourself short term goals for NC. Say 5 days and then reward yourself. Then go for 10 days and reward yourself. I can promise that it will get better and your focus will be on healing yourself and sticking to NC so you can heal. This helps because it will take the focus off of you thinking that you can actually do something to change the situation. There isn't anything that you're going to do or say that will change him. You have to accept that and focus on NC. It will give you a sense of control over something when you feel that you're helpless right now. You aren't you can control how you are going to handle this situation and not how you're going to manipulate him or the situation.

Stay strong and stick to NC, it will work for you.

Keep venting here and getting it out on paper.
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Old 06-02-2009, 12:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Just remember, he feels like he has control. He doesn't want you contacting him - but I guarantee there will come a time when he wants to contact you. And he will use every trick that he knows has worked previously in order to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Remember that.

Make yourself the priority, not him. Seriously stop and think about what possible positive outcome can there be as a result of you continuing to reach out to him?

Over the course of my journey, in terms of what I have tolerated, minimized, overlooked, ignored, or forgiven all in the name of love, has not made me a better person. It has made me a chump. It didn't make me noble or admirable. It made me look weak and pathetic.

What I often found was that my sadness resulted from two things; the memory of what we did have, and doubt.
The memories are great. The memories are where I want to be. As for 'doubt', I would turn it around from feeling doubt about my future alone, wondering if I would find love again, and focus the doubt on all of the issues and behaviors and lies that she chose to perpetrate in undermining our marriage.

Be angry about the betrayal and his bizarre behavior. Grieve the loss of the marriage. Don't grieve the loss of him, for he surely isn't sitting somewhere in the dark crying over you.

Can you say the words "I'm letting you go ..."
I'm not trying to get all Dr. Phil on you, but I literally couldn't say them - for months.
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Old 06-06-2009, 12:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Okay, so I have not had any contact with him since Monday. That was simply a brief conversation about a water problem here @ the house. He must have been with TOW as he was talking to me kind of weird. Before that it was a text conversation on Saturday where he apologized to me because "things aren't working out the way I want." At times I am accepting of the situation and I can think of all the reasons I don't want/need him in my life. Other times it's so unbearably painful. We are going to have to sell the house as there is no way I can refinance it into my name. We just refinanced last summer so we owe more that we could sell it for. He doesn't know any of this. In his divorce petition he is giving me the house, paying child support and spousal support directly to the mortgage company, but I have to refinance into my name within 2 years or sell it and pay any deficit myself. Obviously that is not a positive outcome for me. My lawyer is drafting my response to say that we sell the house and if we can't get the mortgage company to accept a short sale then we split the deficit. The thought of moving is overwhelming to me. At times I want him to contact me and say he wants to work on things, but I'm not sure I can overcome the cheating. My friend keeps telling me to just breathe....
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Old 06-07-2009, 08:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Unhappy Re: Why can't I let go?

Well, today is going to be a really hard day. It's his birthday. I really want to text him Happy Birthday. I woke up @ 530 and cant go back to sleep from stressing over this. On the one hand I know I shouldn't care and shouldn't text him. I'm so confused....
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Old 06-07-2009, 11:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Something similar happened to me last month. My stbx and I had a big fight the day before his birthday and we both said some really mean things to eachother. I was really nervous too, thinking about if i should cave and just say happy birthday but then I thought; he really doesn't deserve it because he left me for somebody else so she can tell him happy birthday. Well he actually texted me and was apologizing for bein mean the day before and then I mentioned happy birthday after he apologized. But honestly If i was you, I wouldn't text or call or say happy birthday unless he gets ahold of you first. And then if he does get ahold of you, just say oh yeah happy birthday. I'm tellin you he doesn't deserve it.
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Old 06-07-2009, 06:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

So sorry for your pain! I understand....

Just know as long as he is with TOW then the chances are low that no matter what you do, he won't come back. It's when he/she breaks the relationship off is when he starts to knock on your door again (this is highly likely).
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Old 06-07-2009, 09:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Agree with Corpuswife.....as long as TOW is in the picture chances of working it out will not happen. I myself am going thru the same thing and it's painful but you have to start planning your life without him in it. It's hard but you have no other choice. The NC helps and hurts at the same time but eventually gets easier if you try to keep yourself busy with doing other things.
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Old 06-07-2009, 11:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

Seriously, this is the point where you need to put aside grief, even if only for a while and think about what you, and your children need. If you aren't sure what that should be, at the very least your attorney can provide guidance.

Last edited by Deejo; 06-08-2009 at 12:04 AM.
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Old 06-08-2009, 12:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why can't I let go?

I'm very disappointed in myself. I texted him Happy Birthday and he responded with thanks. I then sent a message about relationship stuff. Of course he didn't answer. I am going back to NC (as of 10:20 am). Tomorrow is counseling and paying the retainer for the lawyer so he can write my response to the initial divorce petition. My daughter and I cleaned out the attic and took a bunch of stuff to charity yesterday. It felt really good. When it comes time to sell and move I would rather get rid of stuff gradually than have to do it all at once. Thank you all for reading and commenting on my post. I am very thankful for this forum.
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