How to let go?
So 1st post here goes. I've followed these posts and I feel as if I know what to do. I recognize how I should feel and what is truly the next step, but I just can't get get over that hump.
Married 5 years and together for 8. 2 kids S5, D3. The relationship from as far as I can remember has always been intense. When everything was good it was the best I have ever felt and when they are bad I wouldn't have wished this on anyone.
About 3 months ago had a huge blowup regarding a "friend" of hers. It was a guy that she used to hookup with before we met, but he would cheat on his wife (then gf) with my wife. Again this was before we met, but the situation always made me uncomfortable, especially since his wife did not know that. We have fought over this relationship for probably over a year. She would break plans with me to hang out with him and his family. He invited us to their house and when I told her I would go, she called and canceled the plans.
What led to the fight was that she had gone out for her reunion, texted me at 2AM that she was going back to his house with some other people and didn't return till 7 in the morning.
I completely flipped out and it was one of the worst fights we have ever had. I just feel that I am constantly disrespected. We then decided we would get divorced, I filed after she accused me of physically hurting our son. We had been playing in the hall way when he fell. She screamed that I had abused him and went through the house screaming this, and locked herself in the bathroom. She then called her mom screaming that i was abusing our own kids. Her mom called the cops. When the cops came, she told him she knows that we were only playing and that it was an accident and that I would never hurt him.
I filed for divorce the next day.
I still find myself wanting to fix this. Telling her I lover her occasionally and wanting to be a family. IT is mostly for the kids, I worry about them and want them to have an intact family. There is a lot I left out, but I just need someone to keep knocking sense into me. I deserve better and have been trying to do the 180. I know I am co dependent. I know I need to learn to be ok with myself. I just need to get over this hump and move on.