How to let go?
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Old 10-25-2012, 12:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to let go?

So 1st post here goes. I've followed these posts and I feel as if I know what to do. I recognize how I should feel and what is truly the next step, but I just can't get get over that hump.

Some background:

Married 5 years and together for 8. 2 kids S5, D3. The relationship from as far as I can remember has always been intense. When everything was good it was the best I have ever felt and when they are bad I wouldn't have wished this on anyone.

About 3 months ago had a huge blowup regarding a "friend" of hers. It was a guy that she used to hookup with before we met, but he would cheat on his wife (then gf) with my wife. Again this was before we met, but the situation always made me uncomfortable, especially since his wife did not know that. We have fought over this relationship for probably over a year. She would break plans with me to hang out with him and his family. He invited us to their house and when I told her I would go, she called and canceled the plans.

What led to the fight was that she had gone out for her reunion, texted me at 2AM that she was going back to his house with some other people and didn't return till 7 in the morning.

I completely flipped out and it was one of the worst fights we have ever had. I just feel that I am constantly disrespected. We then decided we would get divorced, I filed after she accused me of physically hurting our son. We had been playing in the hall way when he fell. She screamed that I had abused him and went through the house screaming this, and locked herself in the bathroom. She then called her mom screaming that i was abusing our own kids. Her mom called the cops. When the cops came, she told him she knows that we were only playing and that it was an accident and that I would never hurt him.

I filed for divorce the next day.

I still find myself wanting to fix this. Telling her I lover her occasionally and wanting to be a family. IT is mostly for the kids, I worry about them and want them to have an intact family. There is a lot I left out, but I just need someone to keep knocking sense into me. I deserve better and have been trying to do the 180. I know I am co dependent. I know I need to learn to be ok with myself. I just need to get over this hump and move on.
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Old 10-27-2012, 12:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let go?

Hi and welcome, PM.

You want your kids to have an intact family.......at what cost? What is this family teaching them about male-female relations. While you and your wife are conducting this bizarre relationship, your children are watching and learning. They will model their future relationships on what they see in this family. Is this the future you want for them?

Have you and your wife tried to make things better? Any MC? It sounds like your wife would also benefit from IC. You might consider it too. Not only did you marry a woman who carried on with a married man, but you put up with her inappropriate behavior for how long? A counsellor might be able to help you understand why you think so little of yourself.

You do deserve better, but whether you attain this through D or through working on your marriage is up to you. Of course, if your wife is unwilling or unable to change, then I guess you have made the right choice.
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Old 10-27-2012, 07:40 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let go?

Quote:
She screamed that I had abused him and went through the house screaming this, and locked herself in the bathroom.
My guess is she has had an affair with this guy AT SOME POINT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED and was using *this* to justify her own crappy behavior so she wouldn't have to feel guilty. (I'm cheating on an abuser, that doesn't count, right?)

You are SO WELL RID of this woman; it is a GREAT thing!

Instead of regretting that your children don't have an 'intact' family with you and their drama-mama, take heart in the fact that AFTER you get some IC and get your co-dependency dealt with (so you can make a better choice for your future than you did for your past), you will then be free to choose a GOOD WOMAN for your wife.

At that point, you and GOOD WIFE will be modeling PROPER ADULT BEHAVIOR (both genders) and proper MARRIED BEHAVIOR for your children. Things they NEVER WOULD HAVE WITNESSED had you stayed married to their idiot-mother (which, of course, you will NEVER call her around your children...you'll just THINK it...real LOUDLY).
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Old 10-27-2012, 11:00 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let go?

You guys are both right. I started going to IC and it has definitely helped. It is just tough. I know so many people that would walk away without a 2nd guess and I wish I was one of those people.

It is a constant blame game where I am the reason for all her disappointments. One of the worst parts is that she won't even acknowledge what she's done. She'll just say "I never said that" or "thats not what happened" and just brush it away. I am learning that you can't deal with people like that. The minute I became the problem and the problem wasn't the problem, this marriage was over.
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Old 10-27-2012, 11:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let go?

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Originally Posted by PM720 View Post
It is a constant blame game where I am the reason for all her disappointments. One of the worst parts is that she won't even acknowledge what she's done.
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that I'd be a rich man!

My stbxw pulled the blame game on me and it's honestly a way for them to not "feel guilty" about the separation/divorce even if there is no affair, I mean they can't feel guilty about leaving if it wasn't "their fault", right? Well at least that's what they think but moving on and being happy and not letting the blame game get you is what really comes back to haunt them as they will see YOU moving on and being happy and wonder why they are still so miserable and "guilty", after all it wasn't "their fault" for the separation/divorce, right?

I'm glad you're doing the right thing for you and your children. They will in the end become better people as they grow up by having a good role model for a father, even without "mom" around.
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Old 10-27-2012, 11:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You guys are both right. I started going to IC and it has definitely helped. It is just tough. I know so many people that would walk away without a 2nd guess and I wish I was one of those people.

It is a constant blame game where I am the reason for all her disappointments. One of the worst parts is that she won't even acknowledge what she's done. She'll just say "I never said that" or "thats not what happened" and just brush it away. I am learning that you can't deal with people like that. The minute I became the problem and the problem wasn't the problem, this marriage was over.
I highly recommend you read 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner. She talks about how to change the 'dances' we do with our spouses and gives some great strategies for changing them. Because you have children, you have years ahead of dealing with this woman. You need to change how your interactions go, for your sake and the sake of your children.
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Its just constant comments. Little digs here and there. She said a few days ago that we didn't have any food in the house because I refuse to buy my kids food. Said it right in front of them. Meanwhile, I work during the day and she doesn't go to work until 4. Then when I bring it up, she completely denies it. Not sure why this behavior bugs me so much.

Eventually it becomes a blow out and then I am always the bad guy bc she starts to cry. Its like everything that is said about me doesn't count, but I am always the bad guy.

I dunno I feel I should be further along. anytime we ever talk about working reconciliation, it is always me that has to change, because she hasn't done anything wrong. Or, I only treated you that way, because u treated me badly. There is always a reason I am treated badly. There is always some justification.

Going to get back to the 180. Really go back to it hard. No contact unless its about the kids and make myself scarce when I know she is going to be around. It worked really well and I was moving on, just a bunch of set backs, but I think I can get back to where I was.
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PM720 View Post
Its just constant comments. Little digs here and there. She said a few days ago that we didn't have any food in the house because I refuse to buy my kids food. Said it right in front of them. Meanwhile, I work during the day and she doesn't go to work until 4. Then when I bring it up, she completely denies it. Not sure why this behavior bugs me so much.

Eventually it becomes a blow out and then I am always the bad guy bc she starts to cry. Its like everything that is said about me doesn't count, but I am always the bad guy.

I dunno I feel I should be further along. anytime we ever talk about working reconciliation, it is always me that has to change, because she hasn't done anything wrong. Or, I only treated you that way, because u treated me badly. There is always a reason I am treated badly. There is always some justification.

Going to get back to the 180. Really go back to it hard. No contact unless its about the kids and make myself scarce when I know she is going to be around. It worked really well and I was moving on, just a bunch of set backs, but I think I can get back to where I was.
There' s a wise man on this forum who would tell you to say (when she starts things like the food issue), "I'm not comfortable with where this is going." Then walk away.

Read 'The Dance of Anger'.
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Old 10-30-2012, 02:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let go?

[QUOTE=cooljay;1169871]If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that I'd be a rich man!

My stbxw pulled the blame game on me and it's honestly a way for them to not "feel guilty" about the separation/divorce even if there is no affair, I mean they can't feel guilty about leaving if it wasn't "their fault", right? Well at least that's what they think

That is exactly it. Whenever we spoke about it, she always will say "this isn't what I wanted, you made me do this." "Your actions made this happen." All me completely one sided. The worst husband in the world as I busted my @$$ so that she could stay home with the kids and not work. Got told I was a bad human being to my core a couple days ago. That she could never be with me because my heart was bad.

I mean come on already enough is enough. We both did this. We caused this to happen, it wasn't all me like it wasn't all her, but she'll never admit to that. But someone said you can't try to rationalize irrational behavior. At the end of the day all I can do is work on myself. At this point I found that if I don't fight back and just walk away I have a much better existence.

1 question though...what do you guys do about holidays? We have two young kids and I want to spend them together with them, but it is so uncomfortable and awkward around their mom. Its either I will be completely ignored, or she will find a way to make comments about me while I am there. I feel as tough as it is, it would just be better to split time with them. She can have them in the morning and i'll take them in the afternoon...How does that sound?
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Old 10-30-2012, 02:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let go?

[QUOTE=PM720;1175908]
Quote:
Originally Posted by cooljay View Post
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that I'd be a rich man!

My stbxw pulled the blame game on me and it's honestly a way for them to not "feel guilty" about the separation/divorce even if there is no affair, I mean they can't feel guilty about leaving if it wasn't "their fault", right? Well at least that's what they think

That is exactly it. Whenever we spoke about it, she always will say "this isn't what I wanted, you made me do this." "Your actions made this happen." All me completely one sided. The worst husband in the world as I busted my @$$ so that she could stay home with the kids and not work. Got told I was a bad human being to my core a couple days ago. That she could never be with me because my heart was bad.

I mean come on already enough is enough. We both did this. We caused this to happen, it wasn't all me like it wasn't all her, but she'll never admit to that. But someone said you can't try to rationalize irrational behavior. At the end of the day all I can do is work on myself. At this point I found that if I don't fight back and just walk away I have a much better existence.

1 question though...what do you guys do about holidays? We have two young kids and I want to spend them together with them, but it is so uncomfortable and awkward around their mom. Its either I will be completely ignored, or she will find a way to make comments about me while I am there. I feel as tough as it is, it would just be better to split time with them. She can have them in the morning and i'll take them in the afternoon...How does that sound?
I have a stbxw exactly like yours--can't see herself in the dysfunctional dynamic that became our marriage. This is why divorce happens, because at least one party can't see beyond the tip of their nose.

The sooner you stop engaging her, the sooner YOU will begin to feel better. Don't participate in the toxic dance that your relationship has become.

Split Christmas. That's what my stbxw and I are doing. You don't want the negative energy between you and your wife to impact your children, or you for that matter.
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Old 10-31-2012, 02:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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The last time I said more than 5 words to her was Saturday. We had been talking and she said that it would hurt her family if we were to ever try and work things out. I responded that "if I had told my family in friends that we working on things they would be incredibly pissed."

Which caused her to completely flip out. She started saying "I didn't do anything. This is your fault. I've never done anything wrong." This coming from the woman who told my children I refuse to buy them food a few days before. The same woman who said I hurt my own son, then told the cops I would never hurt him. So yeah, I guess I see her point <sarcasm>.

Then when we get in the house she tells me I could never be with you because I know your heart and your soul and it's bad. That I have a bad core and am a bad person. Mind you, I worked my ass off for this family and was able to provide for her so that she could stay home with our kids for over 5 years. The same woman who wants to give me as little visitation as possible even though I have been an active dad, and now that she works, I have the kids after work for 5-6 days a week. Yup, I'm the one with the bad "core."

So instead of walking away, we had our typical blowout. From that day forward I told her I will not talk about anything outside of the kids. Its weird and uncomfortable at home, but I am done being beaten down. I do things only with the kids now and guess what...its awesome. No one yells at me or calls me names. No one puts me down or rolls their eyes, huffs, or mocks me when I tell the kids I love them. I could get use to this.

Just wanted to vent. Thanks
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