It's been a month

jmany · 06-06-2009, 08:18 AM

Well it's been a month since my wife asked to separate. We have been married for 23 years tomorrow. I'm devastated. She has told me that she thinks that she made a mistake by marrying me and we just have no shared interests an unsatisfying sex life for her, lack of mutual friends etc. etc, etc....

I'm pretty angry that she waited 23 years to say she made a mistake, what a waste of my life.

We started our marriage off with me earning a lot of money. Through unforeseen circumstances we lost that income and have struggled financially ever since, living paycheck to paycheck. We have two children one is 21 and joining the military the other is 17. Now we are both working opposite schedules, her at night me early mornings, I get up sometimes at 3 am. So I need to be in bed before she gets home.

For a long time she had issues with anger and depression. She took out all her anger on me with us having terrible fights. She started medication for that 7 years ago and has been even keeled since. No angry outbursts, no depression. For all those fights I have forgiven her, she can't forgive me though for my job losses and not providing her a sense of security. She hasn't said anything about our relationship for years and finally said she was done. I feel she quit and stopped trying to voice her concerns with me about our marriage.
I admit I haven't been the best spouse I could have been. I put my children and her happiness before me and didn't work on my own life. I know I could have been a better husband. Now I see it and want a second chance, but I don't think she is going to give it to me at this time.

She is a teacher and doesn't have any income during the summer months. After she told me she wanted a separation, she asked that I not pull away and stay through the summer so she could afford to stay in our house. I told her that if she felt like she wanted to separate, I wasn't going to stay and sleep in another room, just so she could be comfortable until she started earning her income again. Was that a mistake? We spoke the other day and she said I was the one who wanted to leave! and she wanted to not have me leave? Huh????
I also told her that if I hear she is having trouble paying rent, electric and for food, I will do everything I could to have my children stay with me. I told if she couldn't afford basic necessities, she couldn't support my children, period! She want's me to pay all the bills from our house for the month i wasn't there, keep my car and have me to continue paying for it, stay on my cell phone plan with me paying it.....

She doesn't seem to want to go to counseling to try and reconcile which is something I willing to try.

I'm just so unhappy, I can't believe this is really happening. I have no idea what to do. It's just so depressing. I didn't think my body had that much water in it for the amount of tears I have cried.

Lostman · 06-06-2009, 08:48 AM

Hang in there. we all make mistakes in our relationships, good lord knows i made plenty. I tried the whole stay in the same house thing in the beginning with my wife. It didnt really work. We have arguments and fights all time for the first few days. Then just silence or whats for dinner? Did that for A week and a half. slept in another room if i got any sleep.

My wife and I were going to seperate any ways after out 2 kids got out of school. Then day after mothers to day she tells me she is going to go live with another guy in CA. So after that first week and half we both couldnt the stay in house jsut because thing.

She left I had kids till schools out. School got yesterday on my oldest birthday. She came back from cali saying she wasnt ready for any other man let alone me in her life. So today as i sit and type this i know when she calls me I got to drive 5hrs out and back so she can take my kids. she moving in her mom about 2 states away from me.

So hang in there those bills i think you shouldnt be responsible for the rent since you didnt live there for that month. I had to move out of the house we were renting because i didnt want to pay another months rent when wife left.

I didnt think i could cry as much as i have either. You did come to the right place on here though. It is a good place to vent and get some sound unbiased opions and advice.
Just remember you not alone in going through this all of us here are and have been going through for a while.

Just dont let her get to you and get you all upset and angry.
this type of thing is stressful enough as it is. by letting her get to you will make it harder and more stressfull.

Remember also DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT ALWAYS.

jmany · 06-06-2009, 01:18 PM

Lostman, thanks for your advice. I'm going to have a tough day tomorrow, our 23rd anniversary.

She has just become so bitter towards me. I have decided that I am not going to contact her unless it has something to do with our children.
I am a smoker and an occasional drinker. I heard from my MIL and she said she hopes that I can get into some kind of 12 step program. I'm like for what? Yeah I smoke but come on I don't think I need a 12 step for that. I can't help but wonder what she has been saying about me. GRRRRR.

Country Girl · 06-06-2009, 10:04 PM

Sorry jmany! I've been there too; it would have been 23 years for me this year. Please try to focus on YOU now. And then let time heal your broken heart. I found individual counseling and self-help books to be very helpful. In addition, I turned to my church and faith which provided much comfort. Now, a year later I am actually able to entertain myself with the dating scene (some of the dating adventures are posted under The Dating Scene thread titled "Confused"). As hard as things are for you now, they will get better.

Blanca · 06-07-2009, 02:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmany

I told her that if she felt like she wanted to separate, I wasn't going to stay and sleep in another room, just so she could be comfortable until she started earning her income again. Was that a mistake?

I dont think that was a mistake at all. Good for you! If she wants to separate then separate, but from the sound of things she just wants to use you.

jmany · 06-07-2009, 06:26 PM

Well it's been a hard Day. It was our 23rd anniversary today. I decided that i would not sit around and think about it, so I went golfing with some friends, it really took my mind of things.

Lostman · 06-10-2009, 11:02 PM

Jmany
Golfing is good to get away from it for a bit. I know.
Hang in there. You might want to check out the 5 love languages by gary chapman.
I just got it in the first couple of chapters I learned a lot. Plus my wife is reading also reading it. I haven't given up hope on our marriage.
I have been seperated for a month and in about 2 weeks our 13th ann.will come up and I'm not looking forward to it. Gonna have to golfing. Glad I just took it up about 3 months ago.

Keep ya chin up and if you need to let it out go ahead and do it. Helps a lot.

jmany · 06-11-2009, 04:50 AM

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I am feeling a little better about our situation. I am finding it so difficult with all the emotions I am feeling. I was speaking with my counselor and told her I would feel better if she had just died. This living with the thought of her with someone else is just killing me.

One good thing is we had a long conversation the day after our anniversary. She told me how she wanted to call me all day and talk and maybe we could have gone out for dinner. We had one of the best conversations that we have had for a LONG time. We will be getting together this weekend for lunch. I am holding out hope that this may be the beginning of possible reconciling. I am at the point where I will not push her to make any type of desicion and just see what happens.

I was reading about the book The Five Love Languages last night. I will be going to the library today to get it. I will suggest that she reads it also.

jmany · 07-01-2009, 07:39 PM

A quick update. Friday will be the second time we will have gone out since we split. I have come to the realization she is having a mid life crisis. I guess from what I read and hear the Roller Coaster ride is just beginning. I will be holding on for dear life.

voivod · 07-01-2009, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmany

A quick update. Friday will be the second time we will have gone out since we split. I have come to the realization she is having a mid life crisis. I guess from what I read and hear the Roller Coaster ride is just beginning. I will be holding on for dear life.

hahaha. could've predicted that. mid-life crisis, huh? our society fills peoples minds with these thoughts. i had my "mid-life crisis" at 27 years old! bought a flying vee guitar and started a punk band. oh yeah, how much greener the grass was there. runs of drunkedness, arrests for fighting, i could go on, but thank God that He sent Beth my way to slllowwwllly save my life.

nope i don't own the guitar any more, no band, no drink and no fighting. midlife crisis is stupid excuse to do stuff that you didn't do when you were like 17 years old.

good luck with the roller coaster!

Sandy55 · 07-01-2009, 08:10 PM

Hang in there. She may have realized life is only so long and she is reassessing. I do not think you should make any major changes and just take it one day at a time.

Odd that your MIL should mentioned a 12 step program, have there been issues between you and your dw regarding your occasional drinking? Has she also asked you to stop smoking many times?

We are here for you when you feel the need.

jmany · 07-03-2009, 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy55

Hang in there. She may have realized life is only so long and she is reassessing. I do not think you should make any major changes and just take it one day at a time.

Odd that your MIL should mentioned a 12 step program, have there been issues between you and your dw regarding your occasional drinking? Has she also asked you to stop smoking many times?

We are here for you when you feel the need.

My wife feels as though I have an addictive personality due to my heavy drug use when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I have not used drugs since I was 22 years old. So she has been telling her mother about my addictive personality. I guess my mil has taken that as I'm an alcoholic.

My smoking is a major issue my STBXW has with me. I really drink very rarely maybe every three months and that is not as much of an issue. The smoking though is something she has tried to get me to quit constantly. I am trying to quit, not for her but for my health.

jmany · 07-03-2009, 07:26 PM

Well we had dinner tonight and it looks like she might be willing to try some counseling. I will find out more the middle of next week. I have seen a glimmer of hope that we can reconcile.

sisters359 · 07-04-2009, 09:22 PM

I'm the wife in this scenario-and you have not wasted your 23 years. My husband and I had a lot of good times and most importantly, we have 3 amazing kids so neither of us will ever regret the marriage. I could not bring myself to tell him before now that I felt I'd made a mistake--it seemed so cruel, and I kept trying to make it work for me. I cherished him and communicated my needs for many years, but after a decade, I gave up. I thought I could stay in the marriage without getting my basic needs met, but after a decade of that, I had to say, 'enough.' I did the best I could and I know WE both made mistakes, so it is better to part friends than to continue in a loveless, sexless marriage. I hope you can reconcile but if not, please don't look back with regret. Be glad for what you did have. What if she had died? Would you regret those years? No. They weren't a lie, they were just built on too soft a foundation to last forever. Best of luck.