How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah
Hey all. I'm here looking for help/advice on how to deal with a difficult situation. I'm on a mission after my wife told me she wants a divorce a couple weeks back. It was devastating to hear those words come from her mouth, yet my initial response has come to trouble me. "Oh, YOU want a divorce?" I packed up my essentials and left within a couple of days, knowing immediately that we needed time apart.
My wife and i went to school together, actually had a little mutual crush senior year in high school. It was really just a flirty, friendly relationship. Ended up taking our seperate life paths as we all do. About 6 years ago a good friend of mine called me telling me he ran into her and she asked about me. He told me how he gave her my contact info. I was thrilled to hear that. I was about a year and a half out of another long term relationship that ended horribly, i was just getting back to being myself and moving forward with my life and being happy. The timing was amazing, really. She called, and the rest is history. We connected instantly. 4 months into our relationship we were engaged and she moved in with me and we married about a yearn and a half later.
My wife suffers from depression anxiety, some sort of undiagnosed mental disorder. In the beginning, she handled it well. It didn't take us long to see how difficult hard times can be on ourselves and in a relationship. She moved a good distance to be with me and had no job. This was fine as i was able to support the both of us at the time. The economy crash hit me like a freight train. One day everything was fine, the next day i was wondering what, how, when........Finances turned into an uphill battle and it was extremely difficult to make ends meet. We both fell into a depressed state, her much more so. She had to take a job she ended up hating. The extra money was helpfull but you could just see how unhappy she was every day. So this is how the first few months of our relationship together were going. We were always able to have fun together, make each other laugh and smile and be passionate with one another. But our stresses and unhappiness seemed to indivualize. We were happy being together being miserable in our own self
We married over 3 years ago living buried in stress. Shortly after our wedding i noticed my wife starting to self medicate. I expressed my feelings and seems like all i did at that moment was make our situation together explode. She got ultra defensive with me, and that was the moment i lost her. She ended up losing her job. I was coming home to a wife that was trashed, a house that was trashed, no food. All i could do was be there physically. Emotionally i was checked out, because she was showing me that i couldn't talk to her.
She was seeing a doctor to try to get through some of her issues, basically just getting more pills as it turned out. I learned that she was prescribed adivan, and washing the pills down with cheap wine. I was scared to death about what was happening. I can't even begin to describe all i was going through with this. Calls from the emergency room, because she was having massive anxiety attacks without the meds. On and on and on. I finally went to see her doctor to tell her my wife was not being honest with her, to let her know what my wife was doing to herself. Right about a month after that visit, i got a call from a family friend saying my wife was in the emegency room, again, getting her fix. This was the moment she realized she needed help and was checked into rehab the next day.
I felt a little resurrected after seeing my beautiful wife being beautiful again. I never lost sight of how much i truely love her. But was i there for her like i needed to be? Should i have handled our troubles differrently? Did i try hard enough? Should i have run away? My wife was in rehab, i was losing my home, i was wondering when i was going to have steady work. I became a beaten man. I used to have confidence, drive, hope. It was all gone. It felt amazing to watch my wife improve herself and get back to being the woman i fell in love with. But what about me?
We have since somewhat started in the right direction, but my wife seems to put all of her troubles on my back. She fails to see what i have gone through BY MYSELF. She had pushed everybody else that was close to her away. I have been there for her as much as she allowed, I M S T I L L H E R E!
So this is the last 5 years of my life. Don't get it wrong, we do have an amazing connection together. It hasn't been 100% bad. We have powered through a ton of difficulties. Through all of this, i still love her very much and still want to move forward with her.
Since she broke it down to me, i've learned that she has an emotional friend and another friend who is coaching her on how to be happy for HERSELF, both of which are coworkers of hers. Countless text messages 'til late in the night for weeks. From listening to her, it's the same old story. Everything is somehow my fault. All these little things that we do for each other on a daily basis that make each other feel good inside all of a sudden mean nothing to her.
I have already taken the steps to improve myself. I have realized that hiding my emotions have not helped anything ever. Saw a doc, getting into talk to someone to air out my feelings and frustrations i have buried inside myself for so long. Should i accept this? Should i fight for my marriage and finally make the effort for US? I'm beyond lost at this point, helpless feeling anymore. Deep down we truely love oneanother, we are the best of friends and i can't stand the thought of losing her despite the past chaos. How do i get her to sit down and allow me to express everything i feel? She needs to hear it.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.