How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 11-29-2012, 01:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

Hey all. I'm here looking for help/advice on how to deal with a difficult situation. I'm on a mission after my wife told me she wants a divorce a couple weeks back. It was devastating to hear those words come from her mouth, yet my initial response has come to trouble me. "Oh, YOU want a divorce?" I packed up my essentials and left within a couple of days, knowing immediately that we needed time apart.

My wife and i went to school together, actually had a little mutual crush senior year in high school. It was really just a flirty, friendly relationship. Ended up taking our seperate life paths as we all do. About 6 years ago a good friend of mine called me telling me he ran into her and she asked about me. He told me how he gave her my contact info. I was thrilled to hear that. I was about a year and a half out of another long term relationship that ended horribly, i was just getting back to being myself and moving forward with my life and being happy. The timing was amazing, really. She called, and the rest is history. We connected instantly. 4 months into our relationship we were engaged and she moved in with me and we married about a yearn and a half later.

My wife suffers from depression anxiety, some sort of undiagnosed mental disorder. In the beginning, she handled it well. It didn't take us long to see how difficult hard times can be on ourselves and in a relationship. She moved a good distance to be with me and had no job. This was fine as i was able to support the both of us at the time. The economy crash hit me like a freight train. One day everything was fine, the next day i was wondering what, how, when........Finances turned into an uphill battle and it was extremely difficult to make ends meet. We both fell into a depressed state, her much more so. She had to take a job she ended up hating. The extra money was helpfull but you could just see how unhappy she was every day. So this is how the first few months of our relationship together were going. We were always able to have fun together, make each other laugh and smile and be passionate with one another. But our stresses and unhappiness seemed to indivualize. We were happy being together being miserable in our own self

We married over 3 years ago living buried in stress. Shortly after our wedding i noticed my wife starting to self medicate. I expressed my feelings and seems like all i did at that moment was make our situation together explode. She got ultra defensive with me, and that was the moment i lost her. She ended up losing her job. I was coming home to a wife that was trashed, a house that was trashed, no food. All i could do was be there physically. Emotionally i was checked out, because she was showing me that i couldn't talk to her.

She was seeing a doctor to try to get through some of her issues, basically just getting more pills as it turned out. I learned that she was prescribed adivan, and washing the pills down with cheap wine. I was scared to death about what was happening. I can't even begin to describe all i was going through with this. Calls from the emergency room, because she was having massive anxiety attacks without the meds. On and on and on. I finally went to see her doctor to tell her my wife was not being honest with her, to let her know what my wife was doing to herself. Right about a month after that visit, i got a call from a family friend saying my wife was in the emegency room, again, getting her fix. This was the moment she realized she needed help and was checked into rehab the next day.

I felt a little resurrected after seeing my beautiful wife being beautiful again. I never lost sight of how much i truely love her. But was i there for her like i needed to be? Should i have handled our troubles differrently? Did i try hard enough? Should i have run away? My wife was in rehab, i was losing my home, i was wondering when i was going to have steady work. I became a beaten man. I used to have confidence, drive, hope. It was all gone. It felt amazing to watch my wife improve herself and get back to being the woman i fell in love with. But what about me?

We have since somewhat started in the right direction, but my wife seems to put all of her troubles on my back. She fails to see what i have gone through BY MYSELF. She had pushed everybody else that was close to her away. I have been there for her as much as she allowed, I M S T I L L H E R E!

So this is the last 5 years of my life. Don't get it wrong, we do have an amazing connection together. It hasn't been 100% bad. We have powered through a ton of difficulties. Through all of this, i still love her very much and still want to move forward with her.

Since she broke it down to me, i've learned that she has an emotional friend and another friend who is coaching her on how to be happy for HERSELF, both of which are coworkers of hers. Countless text messages 'til late in the night for weeks. From listening to her, it's the same old story. Everything is somehow my fault. All these little things that we do for each other on a daily basis that make each other feel good inside all of a sudden mean nothing to her.

I have already taken the steps to improve myself. I have realized that hiding my emotions have not helped anything ever. Saw a doc, getting into talk to someone to air out my feelings and frustrations i have buried inside myself for so long. Should i accept this? Should i fight for my marriage and finally make the effort for US? I'm beyond lost at this point, helpless feeling anymore. Deep down we truely love oneanother, we are the best of friends and i can't stand the thought of losing her despite the past chaos. How do i get her to sit down and allow me to express everything i feel? She needs to hear it.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
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Old 11-29-2012, 01:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

Beauty of free will. You can't do anything to make her see your side.

Best thing you can do is be happy regardless of whether she is there or not and hope the same for her. You cannot "make" someone want to be with you.
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Old 11-29-2012, 01:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

Welcome on the bus of dumped spouses . I'm sorry to see you on board

Your situation is 98% as mine .

So , 180 and that is it ! As long as there is posOM your chances are close to 0% . BUT ... such a relationships doesn't last long so yeah .. keep 180 and improve your self .

Good luck and stay strong!
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

Thanks for the positive feedback. The funny thing about the 180 is it seems like she is trying to work that on me. I don't think she gets it lol. She has confided in a posOM recovering alchoholic. To the best of my knowledge it has gone as far as texting, seems sad to me really. And she is getting advice from a woman who ran away from an abusive addict husband. She has aligned herself with people that she should probably only be around in a group setting. I feel as if she is just running away, when i am the one that should be running away when you step back and look at the situation. Half of me wants to turn the page, the other half wants to fight for my marriage and the woman i love.

I have realized quickly that the more i talk about how i feel, the better i feel. I'm trying my best to give her space so she can realize that i'm not there. She has no one that truely cares about her in her corner and that worries me a great deal.

I am preparing myself for another hard road ahead. Like i said in my OP, i'm seeing a doctor and starting on the path to self improvement. I do realize that I can only help myself, that's probably why this hurts so bad
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

Did she met him on of those AA meetings ? OMG your story is like mine - Still living together !

You now what - she think they have something in common because they're both in the misery . As of right now you can't do much just 180.

Even if she does 180 to you don't worry , you do your own 180 and wait and see.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

I burn, burn.......and burn

Everyday I burn...my soul burns....
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

No bigmac they more or less work together. The 180 has begun, i'm pretty much not going to make an effort to talk to her until she is ready to listen. Ma has always told me patience is a virtue.......

Zappy that hit hard
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

also bigmac our situations are similar. We were strangely comforting each other up until i got myself out of there. I could have stayed living with her, but it would have been much more difficult for me to handle the process of whatever the outcome is. I refuse to play games with my well being. I just want to work this out for better or worse. Really wish i knew how to go about doing that.......
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

Sorry to see you here, but glad you made it. There's a ton of great people here.

Be prepared, this bus takes you to He11Land and there's only one ride... The Rollercoaster.

You're gonna get lonely. You're gonna get depressed. You're gonna feel like no one cares, then you're gonna get pissed. Only thing is, the ride lasts longer than anyone thinks and it can end at anytime, or it can go on and on, ... if you let it.

The good news is, if you follow advice here, which I'm also not saying isn't gonna be hard... in fact it'll be probably one of the hardest g/d thing you'll ever do. . . but if you follow the advice, peace can start trickling in sooner rather than later.

Finding peace is going to be your key. Find peace, find courage, find love. Love for yourself. Now, I want you to STOP! ANd reread this paragraph over and over until you got it into your brain and it aint going nowhere.

Once you realize you need to love yourself first, it starts to fall into place. Like the old tetris game. YOu have to wait for the right pieces to come into play, THEN you can choose where to put them.

Take your time. Be patient.

Books that's helped me so far:

Divorce Busting / Divorce Remedy (DR is newer I believe)
His Needs, Her Needs
5 Love Languages
Getting Back Together
No More Mr. Nice Guy (hard read but read it and read it again)

There's a few more that some may post. At least pick up Divorce Remedy. Has a lot of good info in there. Getting back together has more info as well, and has a LOT of repeat info that others have, same picture different colors so to speak.

Good Luck.

It's my understanding, that these situations usually don't turn out so well for the runaway's... but hey. Let's not let that stop you from enjoying life for the moment, aite?

Feel free to Vent, Rage and Cry with us.

Make a thread to your own... Like a journal. It helped me.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Getting Back Together
is the best so far for me !
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

thank you D. I have ordered some books to read and looks like i have a couple more to look into. I am feeling all of those things you have described and is definately a viscious circle of thought in my head right now. My entire relationship has been a rollercoaster ride through hell out of circumstance and just plane old bad luck. I'm NOT ready to jump off though. That is why i am searching for ears and eyes and voices to help me find the courage to keep pushing forward. I refuse to quit on my marriage without letting my wife know that i gave her my all. I need that and i am confident saying that she will mis me when i'm gone. The 180 is difficult for me to process right now because of all of my overthinking....
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Old 11-29-2012, 04:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

In the begin i always difficult . But then it gets better and better . This is why you need to stay on 180 no matter what .

Remember - 180 IS NOT made to get your spouse back ! Is to help you heal and become a better person. This is also why no contact !
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Old 11-29-2012, 04:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

For me, I found the 180 as a fishing lure first and healing for me second. This is wrong.

HOWEVER, if you're looking for responses, replies, reactions... THINK SMALL! Aim small miss small. Small changes are HUGE changes. Watch what they do and listen to nothing they say.

For me, the 180 was not so bad until she came by. Then, I did well to just get to where I wasn't as sad and talking about things. Talking about things = BAD JUJU. lol. DON"T talk about it.

I did ok today when the stbx came by to drop the kiddo off. She looked STUNNING btw... but I held it together and acted as happy as I could. She leaned in to kiss the kiddo while I was holding her. It got me bad. Last time she did that, she almost acted like she was going to kiss me... and I pulled back. She hugged me instead.

Try to always have 180 in your mind. Get to reading, get to healing.

Edited* PS: The improvesments I spoke of, the "look for small changes" thing I wrote, I did that to GET BY. I ruined my changes by talking again about us. I was actually making HUGE progress, but ruined it. Who knows where it would've went, maybe nowhere, BUT... this kept me going with the 180... seeing the progress made helped. I did it this way until I was doing it for MYSELF!


Good luck.
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Old 11-29-2012, 05:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I appreciate your solid sounding advice D. Today will most likely be the first day in nearly 6 years i will have no contact with my wife. Hurts...
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Old 11-29-2012, 08:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How did I let this happen? Oh, yeah

well, well, well..........guess who just called
I needed that for my sanity. I answered, and was cordial, and asked how her day was. We had a perfectly normal day to day conversation. There was not one instance of "us". I think that i will stay on the path i started this morning. I'm exhausted but i think i may be able to fall asleep tonight with my eyes actually closed
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