I figured i would ask you TAMer's about this, I am taking inventory of what is happening currently.
Below are the facts:
11 weeks Seperated (physically)
I currently in NC & 180
I go to IC
STBXW has been on mutliple spending sprees
Me - 34
2S's - 3 & 1.5
D papers filed day of S
STBXW only texts (kids only)
I have noticed the last month that my STBXW appears to be pulling farther away the more i do NC. I mean she does not contact me at all. Whereas about 3-4wks ago she would send photos of the kids here and there and certain things about the boys. But as soon as i began NC she has stopped doing those things.
This makes me question my NC with STBXW. Am i doing the right thing by NC? She used to complain to no end that i did not talk enuff, text her enuff, send her pics of the boys enuff, and listen to her when we were married. In the bebegining of the S i followed the 5 love languages, told her i appreciated her she repsonded positivly. 5 wks ago i would text her everyday at least once, "either good morning" or "how are the kids" and she promptly responded in detail. Now she only responds with short answers like me.
I am questioning my NC, do i keep doing NC or do i open lines of comunication a little?
FYI - we are going to see each other at the kids xmas party on the 14th.
One suggest given to me is wait till you see your stbx after a period of NC, do the 180, be happy as you can be and just... talk. NOT about the troubles.
They said, get into contact, get into good graces again, by NOT bringing up the past and act like it is in the past... because it is. If you decide to R at some point, THEN is the time to talk about things. He said to pretend it's a new relationship and all is well. See where it goes and if the time comes, then discuss what went wrong and how to fix it.
Seems wise, but getting TO THAT point is rough.
As threads have proven, we sometimes get lost in healing, we move on and say to heck with it for good and no longer want R.
Good luck at the party, hope things go well. If you're looking for changes, SMALL CHANGES are BIG CHANGES! If she didn't hug you before, but hugs you at the party, check mark a positive. do that all night and you may be surprised.
What is your wife liking ? If she is a social person , it may be a bad idea to completely shut her down .
Extremely social and family person, thats what is confusing. She saw my mom at her business last week and my mom said it was still mixed. She feels that my STBXW still doesnt know what she wants. STBXW told my mom that she is happy i am FINALLY spending quality time with my kids, claims i was soo "checked out". However, STBXW was fighting her tears.
HK - I have made major strides in the last 11wks, stopped drinking completely, lost 30lbs, IC every other wk, happy, content, confident. WHat is hard is my kids, especially the 3 yrold, is having a hard time w/ the S. In the last yr m STBXW and I were both in a rut. We needed to both change our ways, did not expect her to quit the M!
Dewayne - thanks for the advice, thats what i planned on doing, except i was going to asnwer my phone and texts (which she hated) to show her i am a wanted man. I may not do this since it may piss her off more. I feel conifident in myself now that i look and feel good. I am sure I could go out and find another relationship, no problem, but it still does not feel right for my kids.
Michelle Davis says "we CAN change people. Just the same way you know to push someone's buttons to make them angry, you can push someone's buttons to make them happy"
I have read that book like 6 times, i remember her saying that, thinking about it I may have to switch gears a little bit depending on how the 14th goes. Still does not change the fact that my STBXW is not changing for the better, tho. She is still spending out of control and still partying a little.
Be a better you. If you want R with your stbx,/ex... be a great you. Give her joy in your presence. Push her "good" buttons and see waht comes out