Cooper

Martino that is so true, what I am not looking for is another version of my ex wife! If I see one similarity between a new woman and my ex I jump ship, I guess that must be the baggage I still carry from a bad marriage.

Cooper

827Aug

Just a little gun shy! lol Just post on your dating profile that alcoholics and cheaters need not apply. But then a lot of people live in denial; that may not help either. Good luck!

1nurse

After my therapy session this week she told me to do a few good things that would get me back on track. First, make a list of good and bad qualities you want/don't want in your next relationship. Also to write down any bad past behaviors I've done that have contributed to the erosion of the relationship. I told her I'm NOT ready to date. She said DO IT NOW while you're in a good, adult frame of mind before I meet a new guy and all those lovey dovey feelings cloud my good judgement. She said you never know what's around the corner. That way if I fall back into a bad relationship I have my master plan to look at and go, whoa I'm doing it again. Really made sense to me. As well she did say when I'm lonely NOT to commit to anyone because people have a tendency to settle because of the loneliness. She's soo smart. Glad I have a professional to speak to. I always slap my forehead during the sessions and go WHY did I not think of that. Good Luck on your date!!!

Cooper

1nurse I have that check list in my head, full of major and minor points. I can accept a couple of minor things, but the major issue's are non negotiable, but I have to admit I may be looking at that check list a little to closely, I think I may be to critical. I don't expect to find someone who's perfect but it would be nice to find someone who has the same life philosophies as me, that would sure be a nice change from my ex.

Cooper

sisters359

Glad to see you start this discussion, Cooper. I'm a few months from divorce still, and have decided to back off from a relationship with anyone, although I desperately want sex. It won't kill me not to have it, but moving too fast in order to get it could prove problemmatic.

Anyway, what I did and may resume doing after my life is back in order, is, I actually picked out the person I wanted to sleep with--an old friend, single, disease-free, and very trustworthy. We started to get emotionally involved, however, before anything physical happened (we don't live near one another). So I had to call it all off--not what I needed or wanted at this time. I'm relieved on the one hand, still desperate on the other--but I can live with that. It was the only thing smart I could do. My dh even agreed to an open marriage while we wait for the divorce, so it wasn't like I was sneaking behind his back. I just can't let myself get attached yet; too much to tend to.

So, if you have any really understanding single friends, maybe that is the way to go. Might be easier for me to find male friends like this than for you to find female friends as willing, of course; hard to say! For women, chemistry has to be there (in my experience) while men seem less tied to any specific "chemical attraction." Not that men can sleep with just anyone, but I suspect men can sleep with their female friends more easily than we women can sleep with our male friends (our male friends usually end up in the "friends zone" b/c there is that lack of chemistry in the first place).

Whatever you decide, good luck.

believer

Copper - I haven;t logged onto this site in forever but something in my situation spurred a 14 page journal entry & I got thinking about when I used to visit this site a lot last year. Was wondering how things were going with you - I recall we seemed to be able to relate to each other situations via our posts.
I read through all the posts & see that you are divorced. When we were posting last year - you were frustrated with your wifes lies & infidelity but were trying to motivate yourself to take some action.
As unfortunate as divorce is, from what I recall, you are in a better place now ( although lacking the intimacy you once had).

As many people have mentioned in their posts - there is no text book answer to your questions about how long it will take for you to feel comfortable again to be intimate with someone. I don't think you were really looking for a concrete # but just want to hear how other got back into the dating game.
Because were such a committed guy in your past relationships, it is hard for you to not have those same expectations for your next relationship. And as you have voiced - you are not ready to jump in feet 1st into a fully committed relationship & that is fully understandable.
I just read an article that was posted that emphasized stage of divorce & all the ways one needs to seperate from their ex - ( physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) & it is true. Divorce is not just a piece of paper that says it's over - you need to go through all the steps/stages of mourning a loss before you can fully ready to move on. ***( look for article posted 7/0/09 - 5 stages of divorce, posted by "overitnolove". Growing through Divorce, by Darlene Lancer)

Cooper - from what I had read in the past - you seem to be a really good guy & have a good head on your shoulders. I am sure it is will take some time to adjust to your new lack of maritial status but why not focus on the positive & enjoy your new found freedom!! Check out the online dating service, go on a few dates, maybe join sometime of club of interest ( not in hopes of finding a woman but something you truely enjoy) because again will reiterate what other have said. That you will find love again - I am sure of it. But they say you find love when you are least expecting it - so don't go looking - let it find you

Best wishes & enjoy your alone time to re-discover you- what you like, do things that you want to do & enjoy not having to "care" for your wife & everyone else. Do something for YOU & enjoy it.
Look forward to hearing how things are going.


ps. as for me, mini update. have been seperated from husband for over a year & that has helped to solidify that I made the right choice ( I need that reassurance because I was doubting myself). Have legal paperwork done to get child support but no further legal action to date. But need to "talk" with my husband soon to move things toward divorce - not looking forward to it but it is something that needs to be done. So I can move forward & not be in this current "limbo". wish me luck