Indications He Wants to Come Back? Or A Blindside?
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Old 06-21-2009, 04:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Indications He Wants to Come Back? Or A Blindside?

I got this from this thread. Except for the ones in red, my husband seems to be doing everything else to indicate he wants to back together:

Quote:
Your ex has kept the lines of communication open and reminds you that they are open.

Your ex has initiated contact on more than one occasion.

They have contacted you for no particular reason. (Signs your ex wants and needs to maintain contact.)

They have contacted you about things that have happened to them and how they felt about them.

They have called to ask your advice. (Signs your ex needs to share as if you were still a team - partners)

Your ex always seems to be where you are.

They are nervous and flustered when you meet. However…

They are not anxious to get away and seem to look for ways to prolong your meeting.

Your ex has told you about or invited you to situations that bring you together.

Your ex has not formed any new relationships and, just in case you don’t get it…

Your ex has made it clear (themselves or through friends) that they are not interested in new relationships.

They (or their friends) have been sounding you out (or your friends) on whether you would be interested in getting back together with your ex. (One of the clearest signs your ex wants you back but they want to check out how you feel before making a move.)

Your ex appears to be trying to impress you, with a new look, recent achievements, etc.


They have mentioned efforts they have made or are making to be a better person.

They have changed something about themselves that you always hated.
My situation:

13 1/2 years together. Found out about my husband's affair nearly six months ago. Theirs would have to be running 11 months now. As a result of this, my husband moved out of our house and it has been two months since that.

Lately, I've been getting all that indication (see list above), plus my husband actually saying he wants his old life back. In fact, he just spent Father's Day with us (we have one son, 11) and for the first time since I can remember, actually said he loves me.

He is not living with her, never intended to. In one of our discussions a few weeks ago, he said he doesn't believe she is "the one" and sees a turbulent future with her. It does sound like my husband's affair fog is lifting.

But the fact is, he still cannot break it off with her. When I asked what's the bottomline for this, he admitted he is afraid of hurting her. (Oh, please! )

I have told my husband so many times to let me go if he cannot leg her go. Obviously, he isn't doing that. Every time I make an effort to go No Contact, he claws his way back in.

I love him very much and it is my hope this marriage is saved and rebuilt, like everyone else hoping to work it out with their spouses. But I can't stand waiting and waiting for him to make a choice between me and his mistress!

So now, I'm really, really cautious. I've been reading about people getting blindsided by the one they believed was doing all the right things. And this is my fear. Is my husband capable of doing this? When he isn't thinking clearly, when he is thinking with abandon, not caring for consequences....it is possible. He has a tendency (hence the affair, which he now admits he didn't think ahead for and didn't expect was going to get to this).

I'm so standing on shaky ground, afraid I might fall flat on my face again. I know love should be patient, but this is ridiculous, is it not?
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Old 06-21-2009, 07:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Indications He Wants to Come Back? Or A Blindside?

You know it is ridiculous and I am confirming it for you. Your dh is one who thought the grass was greener and is taking too long to make up his mind. Life is too short for what he is doing, and he is thinking he can have his cake and eat it too.

Hurt her? Agree with you. He sounds like a dolt: He tells his wife he doesn't want to hurt HER, his mistress.

Oh, please.

If I were you, I'd pick myself up, dust myself off, and learn a good lesson: what it feels like to be used by a jerk. Set about letting him learn what a jerk he is by showing him what a serious mistake he REALLY made by being the best thing since sliced bread: to some man who appreciates you and what faithfulness is.
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Old 06-21-2009, 08:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Indications He Wants to Come Back? Or A Blindside?

Sounds like you H is frightened of making decisions. You need to give him an altimatum and stick to it. Easier said than done, I know.
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Old 06-21-2009, 09:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Indications He Wants to Come Back? Or A Blindside?

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Originally Posted by Sandy55 View Post
Your dh is one who thought the grass was greener and is taking too long to make up his mind.
True. And it sucks so much! He admitted to me that the grass isn't greener. I wanted to say --- HA! I TOLD YOU SO! Every week he comes to visit, seems he's had an epiphany of sorts, mostly of things I've told him from the beginning when he was so heavy in the fog and refused to listen to reason.

But my guard is so up. I used to be a trusting, reasonable person. He turned me into a paranoid freak.

To give an ultimatum --- yes it really is easier said than done. People wonder why I still talk to my husband, or entertain him when he visits (when I've been advised to detached and be less visible) because it IS easier said than done.

He also says he wants to come back willfully, with "no one forcing him to do it" ... which is actually a good thing, in paper. I would want him to choose what is true in his heart. Anybody would, right? But then, those words --- is that a line lifted from the script wayward spouses/cake-eaters follow to keep the wife in that place where he wants her to be?

I'm just really waiting for the **** to hit the fan so I can pick up the pieces and yes, dust off completely.
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Old 06-22-2009, 12:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Indications He Wants to Come Back? Or A Blindside?

Maybe meet up with him in a neutral place, say random cafe or something that neither of you usually go to, and agree on a period of time not to talk or see each other, say 1 month, and say to him you want him to decide whether he wants to come back or not, openly. Tell him at this point you need space from him, and he needs to stop being in-decisive and take control of his life. What does he want? Ask him to ask these things of himself. Calmly. Sounds like that would freak him out. Leave it is his hands, control the conversation and then walk away agreing to meet up at the same place to hear his decision.

MAKE him make up his mind. So immature of him, I really feel for you.
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Old 06-22-2009, 05:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Indications He Wants to Come Back? Or A Blindside?

Yes! Sounds good. I will try and bring that up the next time he comes to "visit." Thanks to much for that idea!
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