Recently Separated

man_of_ability · 06-22-2009, 10:33 PM

My wife moved out of our house and into an apartment this weekend. She told me a few weeks ago that she was considering it because she was unhappy, felt smothered and other similar arguments.

It seems as if there are two versions of her because when we got back from vacation a few weeks ago, she said it's nice to be home and started shopping, doing yard work, and generally "nesting" type activities. Even the night before she moved out we were shopping for household items and she was asking me what I wanted to do for the weekend. Her girlfriend called her about a planned weekend visit and I heard her say she was "on the fence" about something (which I later put together what she was really talking about). Her friend arrived this past Friday, and by the time I got home from work they had already started packing and moving things out.

She said we could still "do stuff" together. Today when she was getting more stuff from the house I could tell she was crying. I am not sure but I think she is very divided and may even already regret that she left to some degree. I asked her if I should take my ring off and she said no, and she was not taking hers off either. She hasn't told her parents and didn't want me to tell mine either. This again leads me to the belief that she is very uncertain of what she is doing. She is the type that after making the decision, right or wrong, she thinks she needs to follow through with it.

The rental property is a 3 month lease. I would really like her back home. I have worked so hard to make a life with her and we enjoy doing so many of the same things, we have the same political beliefs, hobbies, activities, etc.

I didn't resist her moving out. I told her yesterday I didn't want her to go but I respected her decision. I am limiting contact, I haven't called her except regarding her picking up more stuff. I let her take anything she wanted.

Finally, I got an email from her tonight asking if I would go with her to a festival this Friday. I think my letting her go may already be drawing her back in but it may be too early to tell. I don't know if I should accept her request or not. On the one hand I want to because I don't want her to grow detached from me and seek company somewhere else, and I miss her already. This is especially the case if she is TRULY regretting her decision already. On the other hand I am still a little angry and feel abandoned. I don't want her to feel she gets all the same benefits of our relationship after she has rejected me like this and is living somewhere else.

I have treated her very well, never hurt her physically or emotionally, I'm responsible, respectful....I am having a hard time figuring this out. How can I be responsible for her happiness?

It's only been a few days and I'm lonely and bored and feeling sad.

Country Girl · 06-22-2009, 11:10 PM

Hi!

Sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is. I'm probably the last one you should take advice from. My separation didn't end so well, so I'm here to offer encouragement.

You can never be responsible for making another person happy. That is something which must come from within one's self. I will recommend a book though. "Hope For The Separated" by Gary Chapman is a good read at this stage. It does have heavy religious overtones, so I realize it may not be for everyone. It helped me get thru the initial separation.

Hang in there!

man_of_ability · 06-22-2009, 11:20 PM

Thanks for the encouragement. I accepted her offer to go to the event she invited me to this Friday. I don't know what else to do. I miss her...but I don't want to push her further away either.

JDPreacher · 06-23-2009, 06:33 AM

I think it's a good idea to go with her...just don't seem over anxious or try too hard, kind of let her guide you...if you start pushing she will start to withdraw...

Just be there for her but let her dictate when and how...

Preacher

man_of_ability · 06-23-2009, 01:35 PM

Thanks. I guess time will tell. This is killing me. I have no idea what she's thinking, how often to call, or if I should not call at all. I don't want to make worse the little we have left, and I don't want to seem needy, but I feel completely needy and very lonely.

baissier · 07-01-2009, 06:24 PM

it's tough. my wife asked me to move out a month ago (it was easier for me to move out because my parent is here). it is so hard to have limited contact. similar to your case, i have no idea what she wants except i know she is not happy and want to be alone. i treated my wife also very well and also we just got back from vacation.

hang in there. there will be tough days and good days. go join a gym, the adrenaline rush really does help to cope. I need to go to the gym everyday now in order to stay focus and not falling into depression.

you are in better position then I do. at least your wife will go out with you. mine is still in limbo. write to her and let her know she is not alone. you're there for her if she needs you. not a long letter because you don't want to be too needy. other than that...i don't think there is really anymore you can do....that's what i have read from other people stories so far

man_of_ability · 07-03-2009, 05:20 PM

Thanks for everyone's support. It's been a few weeks now. We did go to on the date last Friday and then she left town for a business trip. She's returning today and wants to see fireworks together tomorrow.

Our date actually went very well. I focused on positive things only with no mention of relationship issues. From our date I got the feeling that she will be returning. She got a new phone on our family plan, she spoke excitedly about future events and the way she contacted me and kissed me led me to believe this is just temporary. But now that she's been gone a week doubt has already crept back in. She could easily change her mind or be talked out of coming back by one of her many friends.

Another thing I discovered disturbs me and I wanted to get advice on how/if I should bring it up at all at this time. She has told me she wants to date each other exclusively and not see other people and that she was hiding nothing. But....

I noticed the other day due to much free time on my hands, that her facebook friends page is blocked out for me. I have no access to see who her friends are. I looked in the settings and their is a way to exclude certain users from viewing your friends. I am listed has her husband and on her friends list, but I have no idea who she is adding or has added as friends.

Through my computer skills I did manage to see her "hidden" list and everything was normal except for one newer name added to her list. This was an ex boyfriend from back in her college days. A few years ago I was unhappy with their e-mail correspondance and asked her to stop communicating with this person. And she told me she would. After all, I had cut off all ties with all of my ex's. He's now on her list and what bothers me even more than that is her lack of openness on this. Should I let this drop for now and concentrate on the dating? Should I casually ask her why her friends aren't showing up on my view? Or should I tell her I figured this out and draw a line in the sand?

I mean come on if two spouses can't even be open about who their friends are then what's the point? It may be a minor issue but symbolically her hiding this from me really bothers me.

Thanks for your input and reading my long message.

man_of_ability · 07-03-2009, 05:27 PM

I should also mention this ex is married now with a child, and lives in a distant state. I'm not extremely worried about the fact that he was added, but more bothered by being excluded from seeing her friends.

man_of_ability · 07-04-2009, 12:43 PM

Thanks so much everyone for your words of advice and inspiration in my time of need.

Rhea · 07-04-2009, 07:22 PM

Maybe you can bring up the "I can't see your friends list" anymore subject w/o bringing up said ex. Focus on the fact that you're hurt by the fact that she's got her "friends" hidden from you and see where that goes...if she gets defensive take it from there...play it by ear is what I say, bring it up but if you don't have to bring him up to solve it then don't...