Bad Bay Area Break UP!!
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Old 12-20-2012, 02:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Bad Bay Area Break UP!!

Hi all been lurking here for the past couple days, and it certainly has helped pull me out of a bad place. Little background, 36 yr. old male, married to my wife 37 for eight years been with her for eleven years. Met when I was 25, took on the role of father to her then 5 yr. old daughter who is now 15 from a previous marriage. We have a 6yr. old daughter together. She came to me about 2 1/2 -3 months ago and stated she wanted her space, and although she loved me she was not in love with me.

She stated that we should try sperating on weekends, (meaning every other weekend one of us would leave the house). I was and still am devestated. I was so blindsided by this, She was and still is the love of life. As time has passed to the present, things have definately taken a turn for the worst. Since I have singed a lease to a new apartment for 1 year. She states she does not want a divorce, but needs her space that I am and have become suffrocating to her. We have been decent until tonight. She has been going out with her friends, posting pictures of herself on FB, not wearing her ring. So I confronted her about it tonight and asked why she feels the need to disrespect me. She laughed and stated she has been nothing but nice. She seems to not want to see any fault on her behalf here, and I seem to be the cause of all her issues. I was very depressed, sad, and in a dark place until I started reading some of the stories here. After tonights discussion, I am angry, and hurt at the way she is treating the situation. I probably made it worse, and truly at this point think we are really done. I would love to have the support and advice of the community here, as I am sure I will need it going forward. Thanks in advance. I am hurt, sad, scared, but also have a weird calming sense after tonights discussion. I am and will only be focused on my daughters and myself going forward. Thank you all in advance!
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Old 12-20-2012, 03:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bad Bay Area Break UP!!

Saying she wants space but post pictures of herself without her wedding ring on sounds like she is trying to fish and see what she can catch. Basically trying to see if any fella would come to her so she can see if she has options open.

My wife and I are going through a divorce and it began with me being the one and only cause to all our problems and everything has been MY FAULT.
Sounds like she is starting the phase where in her head YOU and only YOU are the problem and that you're what is bringing her down.
That is my opinion because that's what is happening to me right now. Once they have it pinned in their mind of what they have convince you to be in their little heads it's impossible to change their opinions towards you.
In my case I am the as*hole who was never nice, I apparently don't care nor love my wife. Pretty opposite of how things really are BUT NOT IN HER WORLD!

Best of luck, stay strong and as you said, focus on your daughters. They will always be there and always love you for you and not get tired of you being their dad.
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Old 12-20-2012, 04:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bad Bay Area Break UP!!

Sorry to hear it, JGY!

Sounds like your wife is cake-eating! Wants to live in the marital home (probably wants you to continuing paying a good chunk of the bills, too....for the kids!) while SHE tries on the single life!

Get a good attorney (doesn't mean you have to file), find out what your legal rights are, pay ONLY what you are obligated to pay financially! Do NOT be the nice guy, do NOT take on extra obligations financially...all you'll be doing is underwriting her SINGLE LIFE! Sorry, that's HER problem, not YOURS.

BTW: I'm a woman, and I think WHICHEVER spouse wants to break it off is certainly entitled to, BUT they better be ready to fund their OWN single life! Don't let her guilt you into dumping money on the kids, either, to make up for your lack of daily physical presence in their lives. Continue to be actively involved in your daughters' lives and proceed as before.

Keep coming here with questions, comments, vent if you need to (be sure to write 'just venting' in the subject), and hang in there!
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bad Bay Area Break UP!!

She's having an affair. Find out who it is with then expose both of them.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
Sorry to hear it, JGY!

Sounds like your wife is cake-eating! Wants to live in the marital home (probably wants you to continuing paying a good chunk of the bills, too....for the kids!) while SHE tries on the single life!

Get a good attorney (doesn't mean you have to file), find out what your legal rights are, pay ONLY what you are obligated to pay financially! Do NOT be the nice guy, do NOT take on extra obligations financially...all you'll be doing is underwriting her SINGLE LIFE! Sorry, that's HER problem, not YOURS.

BTW: I'm a woman, and I think WHICHEVER spouse wants to break it off is certainly entitled to, BUT they better be ready to fund their OWN single life! Don't let her guilt you into dumping money on the kids, either, to make up for your lack of daily physical presence in their lives. Continue to be actively involved in your daughters' lives and proceed as before.

Keep coming here with questions, comments, vent if you need to (be sure to write 'just venting' in the subject), and hang in there!


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Originally Posted by keko View Post
She's having an affair. Find out who it is with then expose both of them.
Posted via Mobile Device


Both of these are 100% correct. She is either cake eating or already having an affair. These things play out like a script. Get a lawyer. Learn your rights. Dont fund her. Start the 180.

Post here when you need anything. Good luck, my friend.
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Old 12-20-2012, 10:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks guys, was a rough night, we were good, but I just can't take her acting like the last 11 years of our lives are not a big deal. I prob did make it worse, I truly feel like a R is surely out of the question, and being completely done is not far off. I move out on the first, so we have been co-habitating.....I apologized this morning for my part last night, and she wants nothing to do with it, "I don't want to hear sorry anymore." Part of me is soooooo Heartbroken, but at the same time, I need to focus on me and fix me, that is all I can control. Some tell me she will continue to act the way she is until I move out because I am the source of all her anger and frustrations right now. They say when I leave she is going to change BIG TIME......don't know if that is ture, but they say when I am gone she will have to deal with her own feelings and actual reality vs. her own reality and own world. We are doing MC, and I am doing IC I really want to move on and just be cool with her, after last night I am pretty positive that we are finished, but even after last night she says she does not want a D, whatever, doing 6 mos. seperation, if there is no change I will look at my options. We have agreed to 50/50 custody (I will only be living 10mins. away) She says I can come see them everyday ect. Niether of us is requesting alimony or CS. At the end of the day if we go are seperate ways I still want to be great parents, I love her enough to let her go "Find Herself", but am quickly coming to terms that I can only control me. The more I try and dig, or talk sense into her the more she gets pissed, and withdraws even further. Going to be a long 11 days.....wish me luck. I will be checking back daily prob multiple times a day for encouragement, advice, and feedback. Thank you.
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bad Bay Area Break UP!!

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Originally Posted by JGY415 View Post
although she loved me she was not in love with me.
No matter how many times I read this it still drives me crazy. I still say when someone says this they have no idea what 'love' really is and aren't committed to fixing marital issues or putting enough effort into a relationship. They are basically saying either they've spent so much time with you they care about you still, but can't stand to be around you or they still care about you, but want to go screw other more attractive and interesting people.

Both hinge on a few different issues.

Built up resentment from the other not meeting their needs or having some annoying characteristic they exhibit. (bad habits, negative attitudes, annoying traits). The resentment usually builds to a crescendo because of poor communication in telling their spouse what they want or need from them and giving them the opportunity to fix the issue. Couples tend to just hint at things and as time goes on, since the problem isn't fixed, the resentment builds into hatred and a genuine dislike for the other.

Lack of respect for the spouse and hence lack of attraction to him/her. Usually caused by not having a balanced relationship. One spouse walks all over the other. Basically no one is attracted to someone who doesn't make them feel good about themselves or allows them to walk all over them. Especially a 'The glass is half empty' person who acts negative all the time and is just a bummer to be around. No one is attracted to those types.

I know that doesn't cover all of the different facets in detail, but in general I think covers many of them.

What is love if its not commitment and putting the other person forward. What is all this cut and run stuff? Obviously if you have a problem, get to the bottom of it immediately and fix it before it causes a divorce. If you run, the problem is never fixed and you haven't learned anything. People don't have unlimited time in their lives to redo it over and over and end up in the same place each time.

Ok sorry. /Rant over.


JGY415 I'm sure from reading this forum you have read plenty about the 180. You need to do it. The more you push her to talk about what's wrong and plead with her, the more you will drive her away. These traits are not attractive and counter productive. Think about what you would find attractive if you were her. Someone who is strong and stands tall, fun to be around, positive and decisive. Act, dress and be that man. Be positive and work on yourself. You may not feel like it now, but you would be surprised what the power of positive thinking and reinforcement will do. Don't break down and cry and show your emotions to her no matter how much you feel like it. Fix any of the annoying traits or other things you know she dislikes. Be scarce and give her room.

She will notice the most subtle of changes in you. It may not fix things, but thinking positive and making yourself a better man is a benefit to you and any future women you meet. So its worth putting in the hard work. The important thing is getting yourself in the right frame of mind and staying there. You are doing this for yourself! You love her, but will not be walked all over by her because you value yourself and your dignity more then that! If she doesn't want you there are plenty of women around who would kill to be by your side. Be Positive!

And if you need encouragement you will find it here. Many of us are going through, or have been through, these things and we know how much you are hurting and how confused you are. Its normal and its good to have a outlet. If you feel like breaking down or pleading/confronting your wife, come here first. Someone will be able to help you make the right decisions.

Sorry for the long post.

Last edited by NoWhere; 12-20-2012 at 11:41 AM.
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bad Bay Area Break UP!!

The person who wants the ‘space’ should be the one moving out. If there is any way you can get out of that lease you should do it. Then stay with your children.

You could just tell her that you have the place leased but you have decided not to move. She is welcome to move and use it or you will sublet it.

If you do move… Make sure you stop by the house and see your children every day that you can . One of the reasons is that it will be harder for her to move her boyfriend in if you are dropping by all the time. Remember you only agreed to a temporary live-away situation. So do not give up your right to the family home. Keep getting your mail at the house. Go over there to do handyman kind of things.
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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The best thing you can do is put yourself and the kids first. Forget about what she's doing, don't look, unless you want to file an at fault divorce for adultery. She isn't going to take responsibility, she isn't considering how her actions impact you. Start doing the same, get a lawyer, figure out what you want to do with your new life and life changes. This is not the marriage you want and you're young enough to find one that will be in th future. Enjoy the kids, start getting comfortable with yourself and your new life that is now no longer an extension of your marriage and the plans you had. You don ant to be self deceptive by telling yourself lies in the form of hope or other. Be onset with yourself. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't blame yourself, she will try and blame you. Don't buy into it and don't respond, just be quiet and process it from an objective point of view. When you're feeling anxious or depressed, acknowledge the feeling not what's causing, then deal or process it, objectively. His will help avoid melancholy. Say something to yourself like "I'm feeling depressed, or anxious, ok, that's how I am feeling, now ask yourself why, then take control back by thinking objectively. Action follows cognition, so just be onset with yourself but don't buy into self deception

GL! lots of people go through this, it isn't th end of the old and in a few months you'll see the world new and different. It's just part of your story now, but don't buy into any drama, you want to look back feeling like you did well, the best you can hop for is a smooth divorce
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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The person who wants the ‘space’ should be the one moving out.
And if I might add, at her expense. Don't pay her bills.
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Last edited by Memento; 12-20-2012 at 11:52 AM.
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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And if I might had, at her expense. Don't pay her bills.


Amen, as you recover she will try and avoid dealing with her choices by engaging in mony spending and get greedy, mine did. Don't pay, know what your rights are and get a good lawyer. Just to get the information
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Amen, as you recover she will try and avoid dealing with her choices by engaging in mony spending and get greedy, mine did. Don't pay, know what your rights are and get a good lawyer. Just to get the information
Yep just because the two of you have had nice talks about 50/50 custody and no child support, etc., don't expect this to happen.

A spouse who is doing what she is will say anything you want to hear to get you out of the house. She wants to have as little disruption to her life. Then she can just slide her AP into her life.

She will most likely to then get an attorney and fight to get every penny she can.
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Old 12-20-2012, 12:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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She makes double what I make, when I brought up alimony in a heated discussion a few weeks back she flipped out!!!! I believe she will honor our agreement, as she has with her first marriage. (Ex cheated on her and left her with new baby). He has only ever paid $200 monthly she is now 15. Again although it is hard as hell, and I love her with all that I am, I am learning I may just have to acccept the fact that she is no longer mine, and she is definately not the woman I married. She looks at me with such disgust and anger that I truly am baffled, this woman now is nothing of the woman I married. At the end of the day, I don't need to be best friends with her, but I want to be friendly and just because we did not work out, we should be able to be great parents. My fingers are crossed, and I will succeed.......day by day one day at a time. Looking to far into the future does nothing but cause me pain and suffering.
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Old 12-20-2012, 12:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You also might do some research on emotional manipulation & emotional blackmail. Look on Amazon. This could help you learn how to fight and fend off guilt, fear, and obligation. These things are used to project, avoid responsibility, and manipulate you into taking blame and for her to get what she wants.

This is your new life, start thinking about where you want to take your life. Another recommendation might b Alec Baldwins book, hitch details the process of California divorce proceedings and their financial costing short comings.

Look out for yourself, she isn't, she is looking out for her, not you. You best understand that immediately.

In th end, it doesn't matter what she is doing out on the town or how she talks to you, so long as you know your boundaries and rights.

Everything from retire,nt to insurance, cars, loans, all of it, needs to be in your affordable interest financially. Spend your time writing about what's going on, all of it, so you can keep track.
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Old 12-20-2012, 12:28 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bad Bay Area Break UP!!

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She makes double what I make, when I brought up alimony in a heated discussion a few weeks back she flipped out!!!! I believe she will honor our agreement, as she has with her first marriage. (Ex cheated on her and left her with new baby). He has only ever paid $200 monthly she is now 15. Again although it is hard as hell, and I love her with all that I am, I am learning I may just have to acccept the fact that she is no longer mine, and she is definately not the woman I married. She looks at me with such disgust and anger that I truly am baffled, this woman now is nothing of the woman I married. At the end of the day, I don't need to be best friends with her, but I want to be friendly and just because we did not work out, we should be able to be great parents. My fingers are crossed, and I will succeed.......day by day one day at a time. Looking to far into the future does nothing but cause me pain and suffering.
You might want to check out the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It gives a good plan for getting one's spouse back no matter how diar things seem. Plan A and B in my signature block below talk about some of those concepts.
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