This really does suck.
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Old 12-29-2012, 02:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default This really does suck.

Backstory, Im 26 wife is 25, i am in the Marine Corps about to get out.I have been married to my wife for 3 years, together for 4 a month ago she asked for a divorce from me.
I will be the first to admit i didnt treat her right, i came back from my first deployment i got wounded from a IED and got medivac back to the US and became very "emotional numb" and start being emotional abusive and i will openly admit it i am currently see a therapist and making huge progress.
I never physicaly hurt her but insulted her and like she said its like walking on eggshells when we use to talk i would always snap at any moment if she said something i didnt like pretty much treated her like she was a "Marine" that im in charge of not like a Wife.
I've talked with her and she cant really let go off the past and the last month ive stop sayig anything mean, probably talked to her more than i ever had which i think is kind of sufficating her, we stop having sex and dont sleep in the same house anymore and we also have a 2 year old son.


I have brought this on myself which hurts more than any pain i ever had in my entire life including getting hurt in AFganistan that was nothing compared to this she is so numb to us now and wants me to change but even that she says its too late most likely.
I looked into the "180" but i raelly dont see that working since i neglected her over the last few years and really ignoring her i dont see making it any better and i know this is all my fault and i openly admit it to her and anyone i should of been a better husband but i cant loose her she is my love and i know i can make her happy again. Any advice anyone would like to share im here for open suggestions.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

Sounds like my story, I have neglected my wife and she said she feels unloved, unappreciated, and doesn't feel she is cared for.

I've tried many stages when it all happened I begged and pleaded, got me nowhere. Did the 180 (still am) we don't talk AT ALL.

I figured I'd give her space let her think, let myself think and understand her problems she had with me and how I can fix them.

Really there is nothing you can do sadly because I'm in the same boat. I don't text her, nothing, I give her the space and I hope she works it out in her head but you can't force someone to fall back into love with you and to give you another chance.

Start going out and doing things that make you happy, it will keep your mind from racing around thinking about it.

My plan is to give her space and send her a letter basically apologizing and everything before she filed for divorce due to the fact the D only takes 2 months here..
Many will tell you that's not a good idea but I feel like you, I've neglected her for so long I don't know how much more neglecting will help my situation doing the 180.

Best of luck to you
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

ya, solid advice kind of the opposite i wanted to hear but its the truth i guess, i brought it on myself and she holds all the power but it isnt her fault that i neglected her.I feel if i give her too much space she will just never come back, but cant smother her it already overwelmed her and if i neglect her again i wont ever get her back ughhhhhhhhh and i just hate how she says "love" is not the issue she refuses to say she isnt in love with me i obviously know she isnt when we kiss it isnt the same i dont feel the burning passion that we had at one time it sucks it took a divorce to wake me up and give me all the love i didnt give to her before
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

When I first go the advice I didn't like it either.
I was sitting around in my head playing she will come back and it's holding onto hope and then every attempt I did and I got the same response it sets you right back up for the heartbreak over and over.

The ball is in her court, she makes the moves and calls the shots.
The best thing you can do now is go out and do things that make you happy and get your mind off of it. Don't text her, don't keep telling her you love, and don't try to make small talk with her. It's much easier said than done but it's what I am doing now.

You seem to have the same thoughts as me "If I don't talk to her and tell her I love her she is going to think I don't care and will think I've moved on". Truth is though if you continue to text and talk to her she will have no time to think of thoughts on her own and it will do nothing but push her away and she will lose respect for you begging and pleading.

Now it's time to sit back and wait for an opportunity to present itself to make your next move.
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

Just to echo that. It's the decision I have come to, but freely admit to sucking at putting into practice so far. No cheating or abuse in my situation but I have suffered from depression long term and not dealt with it which has drained her emotionally.

The real me from before depression got hold deserves another chance. Problem is, the guy that took over for a couple years or more has caused too much damage for that to matter. I can hope she has a change of heart but really all I can do is let her go and work on sorting my many issues out without her.

Thats where the plan is a little sketchy as I don't know where to start, other than meds and counselling but the goal is non negotiable, I have to do it for my kids and my own self respect (pretty sure I have some, just need to find where I mislaid it). I'd love to do it for her but she is gone and nothing I do can change that. The only person that can bring her back is.. her; and she most likely won't want to. It's hard to admit but in my case, knowing her as well as I do, she won't have made the choice to separate lightly.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

i did it tonight, just felt bad i said goodnight to my son and was hoping she would call later, ofcourse she didnt even though i was gonna keep it short she has no interest at all.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thelegacy View Post
Backstory, Im 26 wife is 25, i am in the Marine Corps about to get out.I have been married to my wife for 3 years, together for 4 a month ago she asked for a divorce from me.
I will be the first to admit i didnt treat her right, i came back from my first deployment i got wounded from a IED and got medivac back to the US and became very "emotional numb" and start being emotional abusive and i will openly admit it i am currently see a therapist and making huge progress.
I never physicaly hurt her but insulted her and like she said its like walking on eggshells when we use to talk i would always snap at any moment if she said something i didnt like pretty much treated her like she was a "Marine" that im in charge of not like a Wife.
I've talked with her and she cant really let go off the past and the last month ive stop sayig anything mean, probably talked to her more than i ever had which i think is kind of sufficating her, we stop having sex and dont sleep in the same house anymore and we also have a 2 year old son.


I have brought this on myself which hurts more than any pain i ever had in my entire life including getting hurt in AFganistan that was nothing compared to this she is so numb to us now and wants me to change but even that she says its too late most likely.
I looked into the "180" but i raelly dont see that working since i neglected her over the last few years and really ignoring her i dont see making it any better and i know this is all my fault and i openly admit it to her and anyone i should of been a better husband but i cant loose her she is my love and i know i can make her happy again. Any advice anyone would like to share im here for open suggestions.
It's great you can see where you need to improve. That's a big step in the right direction. Don't ignore her, but definitely don't pursue or initiate too much communication. You both will benefit from some time... you to get well and her to recover and begin to miss you again. She probably wants to see you improve. I think you can do it.
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

Update: On my personal struggle to become a better father/husband/Man, has been a total success , not that i dont have hiccups cause i do and im glad, i know i cant change over a month/2/or even 3 permantly.I probably been to a million anger management classes and therapist appointments the last few months.





Me and my Wife are still seperated on New Years Eve, we did become sexually but it was because we were both drunk, and the next day it was back to being seperated and we both also kiss,hug,cuddle when i come see my son(initiated by me) but she wants too do it or she wouldnt, i know i probably shouldnt but man, i love her with my soul and her being next to me i cant just not touch her.She still has no "hope" for us she still feels like she wont ever be able to get over the stuff i have done too her and i cant blame her.I still stay positive and trying my best not to push for anything that involves working on "us" cause she isnt at that point at all yet.She does acknowledge i have changed alot and she is still very afraid that it isnt permanent.


My Wife has never played game or even lied to me, has been completely honest through this all and has kept being civil and she did deserve a better guy than i have been for the past 3 years she deserves this guy in front of her and maybe she will see it maybe she wont.I do got a great support system here, all my buddies i been with 2 deployments and the last 5 years have helped a ton but i still feel like when we all go home after work i have to post here to get some stuff off my mind.
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Old 03-10-2013, 07:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

So 3 month Update,

Litterally nothing has changed, i really dont feel like we're "going anywhere" i wake up at 4 am on every other saturday drive 7 hours to stay in a hotel see my son less than 24 hours with HER.
I still get no alone time with my son since she doesnt "trust me" which i think is her way to say i want to spend time with you too.
I havent done a single thing wrong with my Son, maybe not give him as much time as he deserved as a father when we were together only thing she has on me is i "spanked" him too hard once.
The Worse part of this is i feel like me and his relationship wont grow if she is always there with us and we still act married when were hanging out as a family we still kiss(initiated by me granted) we still say i love you but i cant deal with it anymore.The only arguements we ever have now is if i ask her to stay a night with me and she'll say she will think about, later that night she will say no and i might get a attitude nothing major though.

The point of this update was to really get out how much it hurts to see the person who wants to let you go granted for good reasons but i really cant emotionally deal with seeing her everytime i see my son and she has no ground to not let me see my son alone i almost feel like im in prison its redicilous.

She hasnt filed for divorce yet she ask for a divorce and now were seperated for a year, no "legal" paperwork, she says she still is in love with me and she is still very attractive to me which i knew that part but she feel feels like its too late for my change and if we did get back together it wouldnt be the "same", i take it as she wouldnt be in love with me.At this point im ready to just file for us to get papers on visitations while we are seperated and get my own place in 2 months(when i get out of the Marine Corps).

I do love her with all my heart still and god knows i dont deserve a second chance for the stuff ive said in the past but i cant keep seeing her its just playing mind games with my head and the point of a seperation and not to see each other and grow as seperate people.
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Old 03-10-2013, 07:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

i love this forum by the way
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

First of all thank you for your service to our country.

Sorry that your here. It is hell, I know. My wife told me ILYBNILWY and then I found out she cheated and now she wants a divorce. I've been doing the 180 as best I can but to me it seems counterintuitive. I worry that she will think I just don't care which. I am trying to stay detached but lovingly at a distance if that makes any sense. We've been separated but still in the same house which is a good thing and a bad thing. I ve been trying to focus on my son who is the light of my life.

This is a good forum to get advice and insight. Keep focused and look for strength in things like your son. As they say on here it is a roller coaster so try not to put to much pressure on yourself. For what it's worth, I think it's a good sign that she is still willing to have sex with you and says she loves you. There are alot of folks on here (including myself) who would kill for that. Good luck to you bro.
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

Can you get any advice as to whether you are deemed a risk to your kid? If medical advice is that you are ok I would totally push for your own access.

Only reason she should keep out access from your kid is if yo are deemed a danger in any way/
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

were not having sex, i think i mis typed that anything from the waist up pretty much shes is fine with, but i got so much on my plate its exhausting and i know she does too.
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: This really does suck.

i think thats why im going to just file for divorce myself so everything is legal, she has no right i have no criminal record, i havent layed a hand on her, its just so weird how know she doesnt trust me but when we were together it was just fine.
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