My wife and i have been married what would be five years on October 23rd.However,she broke the news to me that she wanted a divorce on Fathers Day.A little background on the situation..
I lost my job in February and had trouble finding any type of work that would support my family,yet also pay the bills since then.Meanwhile,i was also going to College to better our lives in the long run.She was working,and i wasn't.She figured i was the man of the house and i needed to support my family which i do agree with,but if theres nothing there then theres nothing there.Fast foward to the week before she told me she would go over to her sisters a lot leaving me with our two boys (almost 3 and 11months).Fathers Day rolls around,i wake up at 6am with our youngest son with the other following about an hour later.
She finally crawls out of bed around ten.We then cleaned our apartment together,and laid the kids down for nap when the time came.She again left to go to her sisters to only return a few hours later saying we need to talk.After talking awhile she said she wanted a divorce.Also,that she wanted me out as soon as possible.Now we lived in Arkansas to where i moved to be with her leaving my family in Ohio behind,so i was faced with two options.A) Leave,but live on the street so then i could see my kids everyday atleast ,or B) move back home.
Well,i ended up moving back home and i already have a job working in a Warehouse.I miss not just my boys but i still miss her and i'm in love with her still so it's killing me inside and i'm left wondering what could i have done different,or what would it take to maybe ,just maybe make her change her mind.I asked if she would liked to get counseling before i left to which she said no.Asked if she was cheating on me and she said no.Finally,i asked what about just being seperated for awhile? Her response was " It's too late,i've made up my mind ".
Okay,i'll tell more later on but i want to get some comments,suggestions,etc before i go on..
you need to fix your own life and able to take care of the family first before any chance of winning her back. going to college doesn't mean you can drop your responsibility. you should have find any jobs you can get and go to college at night or work at night shift. If I am you, I will work my gut off ...may it two jobs, taking part time study...eventually have a steady income before you ask her to take you back. All you can do now is tell her what your plan is and ask her to hold off the divorce and give you some time to prove this to her.
read "why mars and venus collide" to understand how she feels.
Thanks for replying.We have actually discussed me proving to her that i can do what my duty as a father/husband.Which i have done so far by getting a job.I feel as i understand her pretty well,but i fear at the same time her family might have filled her head with these ideas,or atleast contributed to them.Being 900 miles apart from her and my kids is rough.Cant tuck my kids in bed everynight,and give them a kiss.Tell them i love them.I usually hear from her once a day to tell the kids goodnight and i love them.Most often thats it and she ends the call minutes after.
i understand how tough it must be. you reminded me of my dad. my mom took us and left my dad because he wasn't taking care of us. he was more mess up than you...he gambled, he cheated, he didn't have any job. My mom eventually decided the best for the kids and for her, she needed to be away from him so she left
i can tell my mom still loved my dad after more than 20 years...to the date he passed away. when we were all grown up, she actually asked us if it was okay to bring my dad home since he was all alone....but sadly that didn't happen before he had an heart attack. For all these years, if only my dad had proven to my mom he can take care of the family, my mom will take him back less than a heartbeat.
Don't let this happen to you. Give yourself a year to prove yourself. First, start sending money back to her so she doesn't have to worry about money. Money was the first thing a single mother worries about - rents, bills, etc...it makes me nervous when i think back to my childhood and how my mom had to handle that. That's the first step. then focus on developing your career..what you want to do and what you can do to accomplish that....there are many jobs out there with good steady salary...look at the auto workers...government unions...etc.
Tell your wife to give you a year...or two to take care of the kids while you straighten yourself up. But still send money back to them. Since your wife is also working, can her family help her by looking after the kids...if not, you have to find a way to help her out...either through your family or friends
Sorry it took so long to make any replies.I've been focusing on getting my life in order.Anyways,i had some disturbing news broken to me yesterday which was shes " sorta " seeing one of her step fathers friends which is twelve years older than her.I've explained how i felt many times,yet she hasn't really described to me how shes feeling.Makes me think shes seeing this guy to cover up her true feelings and possibly run/hide from them.I'm not sure though.
As abruptly as this happened, when I read your post it was suspicious. Granted the lost job factor was difficult, but a reason to leave the marriage....another suspicion.
Now, you understand why she wanted out?
It's difficult to make amends in the relationship with there is another person involved. She may find out that the grass isn't greener. You keep working on yourself and get support. Show her how its done!!!
I'm going to.She told me she met the guy at her mothers wedding a week or two before i left.However,she didn't start talking to him or hanging out with him until around a month ago.I'm hoping she'll come around,but if she doesn't then so be it.I thought i should add that she hasn't filed for divorce yet,and i've plainly told her i won't do it as it's not something i even want to happen.
Last edited by gw326; 08-10-2009 at 04:13 PM.
Reason: added something else to post
Lately my wife and i have been talking quite a bit.Not about us getting back together or anything but whats going on in her and the kids lives,etc.Before she would call and let me talk to the kids for a few minutes then that would be pretty much it.However,lately when we talk we talk for atleast 20-30 minutes each time.We've been laughing a lot and just getting along really well.
I'm assuming it's a good sign,but am i overracting here or is it really a good sign?
Thanks,i feel like i'm achieving what i initially told my wife before i left i would do.Goes to show if you put your mind to something then anything is possible.
I agree with the discussion. Whenever my and my wife talk, if it is relationship based, everything goes downhill. If it is everything else based, things pick back up. You show some of what your value is to the relationship. This is where the "working on yourself" comes in. Some things are little things, like eating healthier, or dressing a little nicer, clean yourself up. Some are bigger, like the way you treat her, the things you say, the way you say them. (by the way - LOTS of threads on how women HEAR what we say. Read them and change the way you are.)
These like I say, show how you value yourself, and in turn value the relationship. I must say, the things I have done for myself have done a big boost to my self worth, regardless of the mess I am in with my marriage.
Keep posting about any changes. Vent your frustrations. And take it slow. It will take longer than you realize for things to change. She lost something in you, and you need to prove it to her that it is there.
Just found out some disturbing news from my wifes cousin.I guess shes living with this guy shes been seeing while we're still legally married.I don't know what the hell shes thinking.Here i've been sitting here wanting to make it work,and missing my kids to death.Meanwhile,lord knows what shes been doing with this guy.I'm seriously considering filing for divorce myself now and i'll probably do so if it is indeed true.
Sorry been very busy with work and just been too tired to do much afterwards.Some things to update on.
First,i had a lengthy discussion with my mother-in-law on Sunday.She doesn't really know what her daughter is thinking and obviously feels very bad for me (as does her other family members).She told me she was upset with me initially because i wasn't working while her daughter and i were still together,but can stand behind me now as i have changed my life for the best now.I'm taking care of my kids the best i can while going through the strenuous time of not being able to be with them.She said she is very proud of me.Anyways,during our discussion she mentioned that if i wanted i could stay with her and her husband for a time so i wouldn't feel the stress of having an apartment while trying to find a job there.
I can see some positive things in that,but i'm not sure as it might be best if i did things on my own.Things with my wife aren't going well as she makes it seems either.I guess this guy shes with collects a disability check for roughly $600 per month,and she supposedly started a new job at a place where they have a KFC/Taco Bell in the same place as a cook.However,shes always asking her mother for money and obviously me as well.I have no problem buying things for my kids as they're my responsibility,but i'm not giving her money to support her.She made this decision and it's on her to support herself now.
I can proudly say that i haven't cried in a week now as i've realized as yes it does hurt,but it doesn't do me any good to put myself through this misery.My oldest son is turning three the 17th of this month which i'll unfortunately miss,but i plan on getting him a bike with training wheels.I'm looking at being able to watch him ride it soon.Our five year anniversary is coming up next month on the 23rd which i'll miss as well.It will be a tough day for me as it will be a celebration of our love we once had for eachother (well,she once had for me as i haven't changed in the way i feel).She still hasn't filed for divorce yet,so maybe there still is a chance.
I've been thinking lately though.I love her yes,but shes actually cheating on me right now as we're still legally married.If we do work on things it will be tough for me to trust her again.At first it would be tough and i would eventually get over the things that have occured.It will take time to make those feelings fade.I'm not sure if i would need to set some guidelines/rules down such as no contact with this man or just trust that if she really wanted to make it work she wouldn't see or talk to him anymore.Um,lets see,we both needing to work.Get back into church as she has always told me she wanted our boys to be brought up in church.Also,MC wouldn't hurt either.
Sorry this has been so long.I had a lot to catch up on.Thoughts?
My wife and i have been married what would be five years on October 23rd.However,she broke the news to me that she wanted a divorce on Fathers Day.A little background on the situation..
Well,i ended up moving back home and i already have a job working in a Warehouse.I miss not just my boys but i still miss her and i'm in love with her still so it's killing me inside and i'm left wondering what could i have done different,or what would it take to maybe ,just maybe make her change her mind.I asked if she would liked to get counseling before i left to which she said no.Asked if she was cheating on me and she said no.Finally,i asked what about just being seperated for awhile? Her response was " It's too late,i've made up my mind ".
you asked he if she was having an affair???? why???
as to her response "i've made up my mind", okay, then has she filed for divorce? oh, no? maybe her mind isn't quite made up yet.
now, i'll bite my tongue and not say the next thing i want to say. it might sound something like this: why not file before her? call her bluff. i'm sitting on the edge in limbo and it sucks. wish i'd have had more guts.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Wife said she wants a divorce
