I've been married for almost 6 years and we have an 11mo. old son. I caught my husband having an emotional affair with an excoworker and they've kissed 3 times. nothing more apparently. his affair lasted 3 months. right away, we started going to counseling for the 3 weeks (after finding out) and during that time the fights have gotten worse. so now he wants to separate to clear his head. he hasn't had any contact with "her" since we started counseling and he says he wants to try and make us work. we will continue counseling through the separation. he plans to move out in about 1-2 weeks (depending on finding a place). his heart is torn. he is in love with 2 people. we haven't fought for the last 2 days. i know this is what he has to do for himself so i have to respect that. i don't want to push him away any further. i'm numb to fact that he will be leaving. it's all too sureal and i have hope that we will make it through this. but am I setting my expectations to high? i'm trying to focus on my well being and our son. lately i've been sleeping in the other room because i'm preparing myself for what is about to happen. i will miss him so much. any advice, please?
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,469
Re: He's about to leave and I'm scared
Even if it goes against your grain if a spouse asks for space, it is what is best for the relationship. Doting on him will likely drive him away further. In an EA the offending spouse is generally getting something emotional from the other that they don’t perceive they are getting at home. You need to find out what kind of things those are. Ego strokes, self esteem, comfort….. If you can provide those things then work on improving. It is important that he stay out of contact with this woman while he is going through this process. She is a negative influence on you and your marriage. I would suggest you read Dobson’s Love Must be Tough. It can help you see how letting go can actually bring your husband back towards you. My marriage has survived my wife’s EA so there is hope this can turn around for you. Best of luck.
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
thank you amplexor. we have set guidelines for the separation. he is not aloud to contact her. but if she does, he is supposed to tell me first and we are to have a conversation about it; how we both feel about it. he is also going through a job change and his mother's alzheimers has drastically declined. so there are a lot of stressors on his plate. i feel like i know him so well. he's a lost soul that feels like he doesn't have his mom (only parent) to give him advice anymore. plus he wasn't getting the right attention from me after having our baby, and i was also being treated for postpartum depression. i'm trying to show him how much i love and appreciate him, but i feel like i have to be careful not to over do it. i know that could backfire too. i'm trying to be a friend to him and cordial when it comes to discussing what he will be taking with him. i pretty much am making him feel like he has control over his life right now, but also trying not to look desperate. at least i hope that's what it looks like. sigh...
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,469
Re: He's about to leave and I'm scared
Sounds like you have a great plan in place. I hope it all works out. Dobson’s book might still be of help for you. My signature line holds the four concepts I relied on the help us get through our toughest times. Hope they can help you too. Good luck.
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Sorry. I have to disagree. Doesn't mean your point isn't valid Amplexor....I just disagree. HE wasn't getting what he needed from you? Hum...did you just have a baby or did I hallucinate? I have three kids....they take a lot of attention and a lot of time...takes two parents full force...especially when they are babies. Sounds like you are the one who needed the extra attention.
As far as his life stressors.....well......hello reality. People. We all have stress...we all deal with it every day. Boo hoo. Go cry. How immature. Selfish selfish people in this world. I bet you are loaded with stress.....new baby ...right?
I am all for you saving this marriage and wish you best of luck...but this man needs a wake up call. EA's are no different than PA's and let's be clear.....he kissed her. That alone is physical contact. If his attention had been focused on you and the baby and giving all his heart and love to that....he wouldn't have had time for an affair of any kind. Marriage is work....hard work....and worth every ounce of energy you put into it.......
Sorry....lost soul or not....He is the one who is wrong....and he is owes you respect and love....not separtation and pain. He needs to grow up....get some advice from a real grown up man who can tell him how irresponsible he is being. But that's just my opinion...everyone has one and is intitled to their own.
Thank you denisek. i'm falling more and more into a deep depression over this. last night was tough. sleeping in the other bedroom, knowing he's in the other one, makes me feel so abandoned. i said to him last night that i was so frustrated with his selfish attitude that i wanted him to move out asap b/c it's so hard on me. i can't be here the day he moves out. he's going to try and move out at the end of the week. and today we're supposed to spend a "wonderful" july 4th together? yay, right! i'm glad that my 11mo old won't remember what is going on right now, but the thought of how it is going to affect him kills me! my husband is an overgrown child. works at a video game company and never wants to grow up. his having a middle-age crisis for sure.
denisek you sound like his sister. as far as she is concerned she doesn't have a relationship with her only bro anymore b/c of what he has done. it's sad b/c she is taking my side and not even considering asking her bro why he did it. he feels abandoned by his own blood. deep down i'm sad about that, but on the surface i'm laughing. he deserves it!
he needs to get over it and grow up. the more days he is in this house, treating me the way he is, not wanting to touch me with a 10ft. pole is heart wrenching. i just want him to go away and clear his head and realize what he wants out of life. in the meantime, i can't tell you how many glasses of wine i'm drinking! i need girl time for sure!
Oh honey.....lay off the wine....I tried that....just makes it worse. I know it is relaxing...but it only masks the reality....which sux.
My hubby is a video game addict....and he behaves like a child....immature. I have three children and he is not around enough for them to even miss him.
I too am facing separation...read "Don't want it don't have a choice."
My hubby drops the bomb on me two days before a trip with his family for the fourth of July.....and expected me to still go....I did and it was a disaster.
to make a long story short....me and the boys came home...(my sister had to come get us because he wouldn't let me take my van) I feel your pain....but if he is leaving....don't let him drag it out. It isn't fair to you. He made his decision...should've kept it to himself if he had no where to go....get my drift.
Of course you just want him to go on so you can actually start to heal...or at least not have to dread it. Dreading something is always worse than actually going through it....
I don't know if you are religious....but for me...my faith in God has been comforting....it is still hard but I know my self worth now. You can still love him...but don't make this easy.....and don't let him make this your fault...it's not...it's his.
Keep that walking thing in mind....post partum depression can be serious and exercise is a wonderful way to prevent depression.
Take care and keep posting....we care.
Last edited by DeniseK; 07-04-2009 at 11:48 AM.
Reason: wrong word used
so he found a place yesterday and called me afterwards. he was sad about it and said he was anxious too. he said it is definitely going to be weird. i just went along with it, with a monotone voice, but made it known that i was listening to him. i sense some excitement from him though. i'm sure him moving out will be a big weight lifted. i just hope he knows what he is doing and i really hope he finds what he is looking for. whether it's the OW, me, or being by himself. i don't know.
then i Bcc'd him on an email i sent my mom (who still doesn't know of our situation) asking if she can babysit. one of the dates was our anniversary. we will both be taking separate trips with friends that weekend, but i lied to my mom to say we were going away together. then he responds back to me saying how sad that made him. WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME???? i'm so frustrated!! how long will my patience last? am i being toooo patient?
i'm trying to search for what i want now. but i know what i want. i want the man i married back in my life. in my son's life!
we had our counseling session tonight. eh... i need to work on my communication as he needs to work on listening to me. but the bottom line is; he is still in love with the OW. every time he says it, it hurts even more.
he started packing tonight. hearing the tape go across the boxes was just too much for me to handle.
i finally told my father. he cried. he's only cried a couple of time with me. he feels for me and our son. our poor son.
i'm miserable. my self-esteem is way low. but then it picks up and then i feel okay. what a roller coaster. i hate it.
i am feeling for you. i suppose I am just waiting for that day to come too.
I get up in the morning and sometimes feel fine, then it all seems to overwhelm me and before I know it, I am crying again. Does this all sound familiar.
oh yes, all too familiar. i read your post and feel for you too.
we have to remain strong. in a way, i'm ready to learn about myself again. i have lost some of who i am now that i'm a new mom to an 11mo. old. everyone does, because of the new life that we have responsibilities for. i wouldn't change it for the world! but in order to give my son my all, i need to learn to relove myself.
forget about that jerk of a husband that i love so much. he needs to go on his own journey of finding himself. and if it's meant to be we'll rediscover us as a couple. i have to have patience and faith, but in the meantime it's all about ME.
i just hope i don't do this in a selfish way. i want to lead by example for my son. it is tough to get out of those moods though. very tough. but i guess it will become easier as the days go on.
we're all here to support each other. i'm so glad i found this site.
You are so right. It is such a shame that he will miss out on so much of the joys of being a father though, your little one is so young. but he has got such a great mum by the sounds of things, you two will do fine.
I need to come to terms with it all the same as you. I cant make my husband love me and want to be with me, and as you say if it is meant to be it will.
I have 2 fantastic kids and for that i am eternally grateful, but am also scared about a life that is completely alien to me.
he thanked me for it at dinner last night. he didn't respond to me. he said he wasn't sure he knew how. i didn't expect for him to respond anyways. what did the letter say?
that i still love him, and how i'm stuggling with standing by him as his wife since he has voiced how much he still loves and misses the OW. i wished him the best and that i was excited to rediscover myself while we are apart. i asked that he fix his internal problems before jumping into another relationship if we don't work out. and i hope that the OW fixes her internal problems as well. it would just be best for all of us, since children are involved. I asked him not to find another woman to replace me as my son's mom. and I promised to do the same with another man. I said goodbye to the old us in the letter, but i also said i'm welcoming a new us. and if that happens then it only means we never truely stopped loving one another. but only time and our hearts will tell.
i felt good the rest of the day. i needed to get that out. we had a nice dinner together. my boundaries are still there. separate beds, can't see me naked, or kiss on the lips. i want to be respected and don't want to share myself with that OW. but i still let him know how much i care. i hope he hears that.
this morning i can tell he is sad; last day to bring our son to daycare. tommorow is moving day. he has made his bed. what a poor lost soul he is...
You are being so brave, it has brought tears to my eyes.
I hope it works out.
thank you Mumof2. you can be brave too. but honestly the roller coaster i'm on right now will dive down sooner or later. it happens at night when the seritonin in my brain is wiped out.
i strategically built my support system of family and friends. those that are safe to tell and those that have gone through something similar. and then there is this site. my husband's entire family is on my side. that is why i'm so sad for him. he has pushed everyone away. i worry about his depression when we are apart. he is also type1 diabetic and as a nurse i worry about that too. who will be there to help him through his hypoglycemic episodes?? i'm scared for that. and the stress hasn't been good for him.
i bought one of those tiny laptops with a webcam so we can skype. he plans to say good nite to our son every day still. plus he'll be here on the weekends and one day during the week for counseling days.
He's about to leave and I'm scared
