A cruel Limbo
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A cruel Limbo

My wife?? and I have been together for nearly 7 years and married for 20 months. Over the last 7 months we have been trying to conceive a child and just 2 months ago we applied for a new home loan to renovate our house.

Over the last few months my wife?? has been getting disappointed on a monthly basis when she would realize she wasn't pregnant and go quite for a 3-4 days before coming good again. Two weeks before Xmas this happened again however this time she didn't come good. I asked Xmas day, as we went to bed, what was on her mind and what was she upset about. She din't want to talk about it as it was Christmas. So I asked her again on the 27th and she told me she wasn't sure how she felt about me, our relationship and her feelings.

The next day she came home from work and told me she wanted a divorce. She felt there was no passion in our relationship and she gave me the love you but I'm not in love with you speech. That night she left and was going to her mum's house, but returned 3hrs later telling me she had made a massive mistake and wanted to come back. We agreed to see a counselor and get help. The next day she had backflipped and wanted out again only to change her mind a fourth time a day later. On the 31st, Monday, I called a counselor and made an appointment for the 4th Jan, Friday. We had a good week together, talking like friends, going out for dinner, however she didn't want any physical contact.

On the Friday we went to the counselor, however we both didn't click with the counselor, he seemed to remind us both a lot of the best man at our wedding. On the Saturday I went to work in the morning and she went shopping with her mum, we talked for about an hour when she got home before a girlfriend called and asked her to go out for a few drinks. The next day she spent the whole day hungover on the couch while I made a start on remotivating myself with regards to home reno's, one of the issues we identified. I worked night shift on Monday and Tuesday so we didn't get a chance to talk. Wednesday night she was late coming home from work, telling me she didn't want to come home because I was here. She asked how the reno's were going, telling me to hurry up and finish them she wants to sell the house and that she was leaving tonight. She didn't want to work on things, didn't want to try and just packed her clothes and left.

We caught up last Wednesday night to discuss bills and mortgage payments. She told me that she can't sleep, can't eat, can't work but that she doesn't miss me, so therefore she still doesn't want to try. However she was still wearing her wedding rings and admitted that she hadn't given a thought to why the relationship was in such tatters that she doesn't want to try and repair it. She still has left a lot of import documents and memories at our house and because of this I still hope that she will come around and want to work things out. Unfortunately this s putting me in a horrible state where I can't move forward in any way.

Currently she can't give me an idea as to why the marriage has faltered. As she keeps saying "on paper everything is perfect". We never fought, I was never controlling or abusive. I did all the cooking, cleaning, washing. I let her go out whenever she wanted. Possibly made excuses, due to work, to not go out and spend quality time with her as often as should have, but then other times when it was possible she would make other plans.

Right now I just need some help. How do I get her to come around to the idea of repairing our marriage, or how do move forward while I wait.

For those who made it this far, I thank you for spending the time.
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: A cruel Limbo

Is there any chance that she is having an affair? Her behavior is very much like someone who is cheating?

Does she keep her cell phone password protected and/or guard it so that you could not easily see who is calling/txting? You might want to check her cell phone bill and see if there is someone who she is calling/texting wiht a lot.

About the only thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. I suggest that you interact with her according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). This will help to protect you emotionally while things are in a uphevel.

Also, take a look at the book "His Needs, Her Needs" (link below). I'm getting the impression that the two of you were not really meeting each other's needs. One example is that it sounds like you were not spending much time doing things together, just the two of you. It takes at least 15 hours a week on time together to maintain the emotional bond (that in-love feeling). The books talks about that and other topics on how to meet each other's needs.
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I am sorry that you are going through this, but you found the perfect place to be. This website has wonderful people, that know what you are going through, and are willing to help in anyway that they can.

With that said, your story sounds a lot like mine, so here is what I can say. The first question, when I posted my story was "Do you believe there is another man involved?" Usually when women act this way, there is. In my case, she said there wasn't, but I dug a little just to make sure, and I don't think there is. I believe mine is stress related due to miscarriage, and other factors. If you do not think there is someone else, you need to look into doing the 180. This is to help you become a better person, and in turn, might make your W want to be with you again, but don't worry about her, worry about you. I know, it is easier said than done, but it really does help. I have started going to the gym, and started a new hobby. You can not sit at home and think about what is going on, you need to continue living your life. She will be! Also, try not to contact her, this is very difficult, but also very important. This is my take of it, I might be wrong, but this is what gets me through the nights. If you continue to call, beg and plead, she has the upper hand. She knows, that she can test drive this single life, and if she doesn't like it, she always has you to fall back on. By living your live, you are not only healing for your sake, but she sees that you might not be there, and that she needs to really think about her actions. I'm not saying this will save a marriage, but its not really about that, it is more about you becoming a strong independent person, so if it is over, you are better after it, then you were before it. I know, this is as clear as mud. I'm sure there are people on here that will explain it better, but this is what I get from it, and it seems to work. I don't call my wife, and she calls me now, she sees that I am not sitting by the phone. Even if I am doing nothing, and she texts me, I give it 30 mins before I answer. I don't want her thinking I am dropping what I am doing to respond. Now will this save my marriage, who knows, but I feel better as a person. While she is going out living life, I was sitting in my room miserable. Now, it still hurts and sucks, but it seems to suck a lot less. I hit the gym, or go take my camera out to take some pictures. She can go drink, and stay up late, that is not improving her, I am working out and taking photos, both of which I see as self improving.

One last question, how old is your wife? Just curious, because as I said this is a lot like my story, and wanted to see if age was a common point. My wife is 33. Good luck, keep your head up and remember you are not alone!
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Is there any chance that she is having an affair? Her behavior is very much like someone who is cheating?

Does she keep her cell phone password protected and/or guard it so that you could not easily see who is calling/txting? You might want to check her cell phone bill and see if there is someone who she is calling/texting wiht a lot.

About the only thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. I suggest that you interact with her according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). This will help to protect you emotionally while things are in a uphevel.

Also, take a look at the book "His Needs, Her Needs" (link below). I'm getting the impression that the two of you were not really meeting each other's needs. One example is that it sounds like you were not spending much time doing things together, just the two of you. It takes at least 15 hours a week on time together to maintain the emotional bond (that in-love feeling). The books talks about that and other topics on how to meet each other's needs.
Could she have been having an affair? Possibly, however I don't believe that to be the case. She always let me play with her cell phone, install new software updates and the like, would never hide it from me. I know all her passwords to EMA accounts and Facebook and she is aware of that. She recently reconnected with an old girlfriend about seven or eight months ago and has possibly used that friendship to satiate her emotional needs.

I understand that I possiy didn't meet her emotion needs and I'm beginning to understand that when we communicated I probably did a lot of hearing rather than listening, but I want her to know that I can work on that. Unfortunately she seems to have shut herself off behind a wall and won't give me a chance.

I'm trying to follow the concepts of the 180, when we met last week I told her that I wouldn't beg or even ask her to come home, just that the ball is in her court and if she realizes she has made a mistake its up to her to start the process, but this absolutely killed me inside.
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I am sorry that you are going through this, but you found the perfect place to be. This website has wonderful people, that know what you are going through, and are willing to help in anyway that they can.

With that said, your story sounds a lot like mine, so here is what I can say. The first question, when I posted my story was "Do you believe there is another man involved?" Usually when women act this way, there is. In my case, she said there wasn't, but I dug a little just to make sure, and I don't think there is. I believe mine is stress related due to miscarriage, and other factors. If you do not think there is someone else, you need to look into doing the 180. This is to help you become a better person, and in turn, might make your W want to be with you again, but don't worry about her, worry about you. I know, it is easier said than done, but it really does help. I have started going to the gym, and started a new hobby. You can not sit at home and think about what is going on, you need to continue living your life. She will be! Also, try not to contact her, this is very difficult, but also very important. This is my take of it, I might be wrong, but this is what gets me through the nights. If you continue to call, beg and plead, she has the upper hand. She knows, that she can test drive this single life, and if she doesn't like it, she always has you to fall back on. By living your live, you are not only healing for your sake, but she sees that you might not be there, and that she needs to really think about her actions. I'm not saying this will save a marriage, but its not really about that, it is more about you becoming a strong independent person, so if it is over, you are better after it, then you were before it. I know, this is as clear as mud. I'm sure there are people on here that will explain it better, but this is what I get from it, and it seems to work. I don't call my wife, and she calls me now, she sees that I am not sitting by the phone. Even if I am doing nothing, and she texts me, I give it 30 mins before I answer. I don't want her thinking I am dropping what I am doing to respond. Now will this save my marriage, who knows, but I feel better as a person. While she is going out living life, I was sitting in my room miserable. Now, it still hurts and sucks, but it seems to suck a lot less. I hit the gym, or go take my camera out to take some pictures. She can go drink, and stay up late, that is not improving her, I am working out and taking photos, both of which I see as self improving.

One last question, how old is your wife? Just curious, because as I said this is a lot like my story, and wanted to see if age was a common point. My wife is 33. Good luck, keep your head up and remember you are not alone!
Spooky. My wife is 32.

I'm really trying to use this time as a spur to motivate me to be a better person. I even told my wife this the day after seeing our counselor. So car I've thrown myself I to work and walking, with a combination of not eating much due to feeling sick every time I try, I've lost 8.5kg this year. 17kg and I'll be back under 100kg for the first time in over 10yrs. I'm so putting myself out there to my employer for the first time ever, telling them I want to be trained for a new and better role. I am going to be a better person, I just wish she would be able to see that.
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Old 01-22-2013, 07:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: A cruel Limbo

Anyway you can get her to a Dr to have her checked for depression? The failure to concieve can be causing issues for her mentally that are being projected on to you.

Also, have both of you been checked by fertility specialists? Does the problem lie with you or her?

I also wouldn't rule out the possible affair issue either
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Old 01-22-2013, 07:55 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Spooky. My wife is 32.
This is my personal theory but to me this is a critical piece of information.

I believe people can hide their true selves to some degree until they get close to 33 and then problems they've been burying surface.

I believe your wife has problems. She's indecisive, runs back and forth, likely thought getting married would make her happy, then a baby, etc. "On paper" she thought she was going to get the fairy tale but then life happened and she has no clue how to be a grown up.

And based on how she's acting I think having a baby would have only made her worse not better. She believes happiness lies outside of her and until she realizes that isn't true she will struggle.
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Old 01-22-2013, 01:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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This is my personal theory but to me this is a critical piece of information.

I believe people can hide their true selves to some degree until they get close to 33 and then problems they've been burying surface.

I believe your wife has problems. She's indecisive, runs back and forth, likely thought getting married would make her happy, then a baby, etc. "On paper" she thought she was going to get the fairy tale but then life happened and she has no clue how to be a grown up.

And based on how she's acting I think having a baby would have only made her worse not better. She believes happiness lies outside of her and until she realizes that isn't true she will struggle.
I think you've probably got a bit of a valid theory. I really believe she is having trouble maturing and is trying to hold onto her younger lifestyle. I recently started wearing contact lenses and she remarks to people all the time that she doesn't like it because it makes me look younger than her, I'm two years younger than her. She has also started worrying about using anti wrinkle cream a d the like even though she has no wrinkles yet. Then she'll go out partying all night some weekends, as it she's still 20.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Currently she can't give me an idea as to why the marriage has faltered. As she keeps saying "on paper everything is perfect". We never fought, I was never controlling or abusive. I did all the cooking, cleaning, washing. I let her go out whenever she wanted. Possibly made excuses, due to work, to not go out and spend quality time with her as often as should have, but then other times when it was possible she would make other plans.
Sounds more like she has lost that desire and passion she had for you. You don't earn any respect by doing all the cleaning, cooking and washings. You are basically letting her walk all over you there and in turn make yourself appear weak to her. Plus you need to go out with her more. When going out you make all the plans No "Where do you want to go" etc. She wants you to be a strong man, a leader so she can follow. Be decisive, strong and unrelinquishing when you have made up your mind on something. She wants you to be her rock. Check out 'no more mr nice guy' and see if any of that pertains to you. Also check out 'The Married Man Sex Life Primer'.

The 'I love you , but I don't love you' Means she either has someone else she is interested in or she is just unhappy and bored at the moment and has a unrealistic ideal of what love is. You can thank all the lifetime original programming for that one. She expects you to fulfill her and make her happy. You can only do so much. Just worry about yourself, do what you can do to make yourself a better person, do what you can to show you love her, but make boundaries that you won't cross in doing so. You can't change her, but you can change yourself. That way when its all said and done you know you did everything you could.

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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MJ, prepare to get wet. You're standing on the deck of a sinking ship. You can't fix anyone else. Only they can do that. A marriage by definition is the coming together of two people. What you have is a spouse. The good thing is you know all this now before you wasted more time.

Mavash, your theory sounds a bit like Saturn Returns.
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Old 01-29-2013, 12:58 AM   #11 (permalink)
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So she has contacted me last week by email to organize to catch up this week. The same email also discussed any pressing financial matters that needed to be sorted, so it doesn't appear that she wants to catch up for that reason. I'm so confused as to what's happening.

Then I was going away for the long weekend so I asked her to come by the house to feed the cat. Saturday I get an email telling me that she's taken the cat and dumped him somewhere else so I don't have to worry about looking after him any more. I asked what she did with him but she replied what does it matter you don't want the cat anyway. Now I get home from the long weekend and it turns out she stayed here the night on Friday night and has written Hi Mat in the dust on our TV cabinet.

Everything she does seems to go one way then the other, I'm trying to do a 180 and support myself but she's really confusing me.

In shirt what does she want to see me for on Friday and how do I play it.
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Old 01-29-2013, 03:04 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Maybe she has Borderline Personality Disorder?

Hopefully somebody with more knowledge on this can tell you if it sounds like she does or doesn't.

I had a girlfriend with BPD and this sounds so familiar.
It's a possibility. Still up to you if you want to deal with that.
Cause if she has it and you stay, you are in for a loooong bumpy ride my friend
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I started seeing an IC this week and along with discussion over the weekend with my mum I can now see that over the last 8-12mths I have likely been undergoing a relapse of depression/bipolar disorder that I was suffering from when I met my wife.

Likely this has caused me to seem withdrawn from my wife and would contribute to the lack of passion and intimacy she's been feeling in our marriage. I'm not going to say that this is the only cause because it would be unfair for me to take all the blame.

Having said that, how do I prove to my wife that I now have insight into my situation and can recover again like I did when we first met? Especially if I follow the 180 and minimize contact with her.

She wants to come to the house on Saturday and talk, the 180 says I should listen and not talk, my instincts say I want to tell her about my insight and ask her for help.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Wait, she stole the cat and dumped it somewhere? Can we get to the bottom of this?
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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OK, we last spoke in person two weeks ago (the week after she left) and I asked her to take the cat. It was a birthday present I bought for her three years ago and looking after him everyday was a painful reminder, I'm not really a cat person anyway. She told me that she couldn't take the cat because she was living half at her mum's, who won't have our cat in her house because he bullies her cats, and half at a friends house, who has a dog that will eat the cat. I agreed to look after the cat until she got a place of her own.

The last two weekends I've gone away so have asked her to come around and feed the cat. This has apparently been hard for her to do, as being in our house forces her to think about us, so it seems she has taken it into her own hands that she won't be asked to come and feed him anymore. As for where she took him, she wouldn't tell me. I don't think she would be paying for him to be in a cattery as we tried that once and he hated it. Perhaps he's at one of her mum's friends houses I'm not sure.
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