help on separation
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 01-22-2013, 06:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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This is my first time on here. I just needed to come on and read others situations and get some guidance and re assurance.

I have been with my partner for nearly 11 years now, I fell pregnant and had our first son very soon into the relationship. We were young and absolutely head over heels with each other. We have now got a second son who will be five soon.
I have been the full time worker studying and working mum for 9 years and my partner has done the school runs and stayed at home being an artist.

the past 2 years, things have changed. I really supported him through his art and wanted him to be happy to do what he needed to. He has had quite a few jobs etc, but we do seem to struggle. The last while i have just been loosing interest and have not felt the same about him, I have fallen out of love with him! I find myself thinking of a life where i am free and can be happy and not feel so guilty for not being able to give him the love he needs.

I ended up being friendly with someone i worked with and we started sending emails. This made me feel excited and happy. My partner found out and we ended up going through a rough time and trying to sort through it.
Things have never been the same since. We went to councelling I saw a psychologist - i live with a mental illness and changed meds, and I still cant find the love in my heart that he deserves! I know he deserves so much better than what i can give him. We have now discussed and he has respected my decission to separate.

Even since our discussion, I feel a hell of a lot of anxiety has lifted. I just feel so terrible and wish i didnt have to put such a great guy through this, but my heart tells me its the right thing. We have a overseas holiday booked for next month and have decided to still take the kids together.
We are still in the same place and starting discussions of how it is all going to work, and I feel so scared re kids, house, another car who goes where?!?!

any advice would be appreciated and thanks for letting me share
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: help on separation

First and foremost, are you still in contact with this other person?

If you are, you need to break off all contact if you ever expect to have feelings for your partner again. That "giddy" feeling, believe it or not, was an emotional affair.
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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First and foremost, are you still in contact with this other person?

If you are, you need to break off all contact if you ever expect to have feelings for your partner again. That "giddy" feeling, believe it or not, was an emotional affair.
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Yes I see that person at work all the time but have mutually agreed that it was silly and wrong to do. I told my partner everything and this was 6 months ago.
Now I still can't rekindle that feeling. I have found a place to move and go this weekend and I feel like I have made the right decision. I know it is going to be hard, but I feel I can't cope anymore or show the love he needs. Thanks for replying
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Old 01-24-2013, 08:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: help on separation

It seems to me you are using the excuse that you can't give him the love he needs as a cop out for really wanting to go chase your fantasies to be 'free and happy'. And yes its a fantasy lots of people have. Usually after 10+ years of being with someone. akin to a mid life crisis. The only thing stopping you from being happy now is you.

You don't just fall out of love with someone. After so long you've grown bored and the fantasies of a new life and another person seem that much more exciting and wonderful. Once you've met someone else its refreshing and exciting because those kind of encounters physically alter your brain by releasing endorphins which can make you not think straight at all. Obliviously the dream of how wonderful a new relationship will be is always going to trump the reality of your long term relationship filled with years of baggage and a man you already fully know. Love is when you care about someone more then anything. You can't love someone you don't know. You can only lust after him, desire him and dream of how 'you' think it could be together. Until of course you spend years with that man and grow bored and end up in the same situation.

Your anxiety was lifted when you discussed this with him because you were frightened to break the news to the man you've been with for so long you basically don't love him or want to be with him anymore.

I Hope my post doesn't make you mad. Just how I see it. Good luck with everything though and I hope it all works out for your kids sake.

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Old 01-24-2013, 09:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: help on separation

I don't have any advice for you in your particular situation although I do understand how it feels when you think you are not in love with your spouse anymore. I don't think it is fair that people are giving you a hard time about your feelings when you were asking for support on dealing with the separation. I hope there are some people out there that can give you the advice you need rather than assume you are in the wrong.
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm not giving her a hard time. Just saying it as I see it and possibly opening up another perspective she did not think about. Matter a fact I feel I was rather gentile. Everything I said had a basis for how she described things like being 'free to go be happy' etc.

I do not assume she is in the wrong. People do fall out of love. All too often. And divorce is even worse on children as all studies have shown. At the rate its going Marriage should just be abolished. But mostly its just people getting bored or tired of their spouse or don't want to work on themselves or their marriage. Its easier to run and find someone else, but ultimately its the one's who work through difficult times that end up with a stronger bond and marriage that make others jealous.

The separation and divorce is going to be hard and there is no way around that. Nothing I can say will help there.

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Old 01-24-2013, 09:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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If I gave you a hard time it was not my intention. All marriages go through stages and most don't survive the middle ones. People grow apart and it takes work to keep the romance alive. Do a google search on the stages of marriage. Basically it follows a pattern:
Romance
Disillusionment
Mature Love

If your spouse is not doing what you want or you doing what he wants to keep things afloat it usually amounts to bad communication or not enough effort. My only point is that for couples who don't get past the hard times and work things out they never reach true love and end up in the same boat down the line with someone else. Marriage is difficult and it takes work to keep romance alive.

I just want you to explore all avenues before you go down this path. You may feel you aren't in love or attracted to this guy anymore, but those feeling can easily come back and be made stronger as long as there is commitment and mutual respect between both partners.
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