My wife left, but something is not right, please help!! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 04:25 AM Thread Starter
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My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

My wife left me Sunday because she said she didn't love me, didn't want children and a family, that she wasn't happy. But when she left she told me she loved me, but she said she was doing this because she thought this was best for the both of us right now, she needed time to clear her head.

She has called several times to talk and check on me and talk about numerous things but kinda steering clear of her leaving, we have texted everyday multiple times, and she still calls or texts when going to work and leaving, I mean it may not be as it was but it's still communication but shows no real emotion or using pet names or anything, and always ends with I love you. Also, she calls at normal times to make sure I'm up for work.

I have had this past week to think of things about our marriage and it finally clicked that she's not happy because neither of our priorities have been in check our marriage wasn't first and she needed more emotional support and as well as I did, but I assumed this is how it is. We talked a little the other night about getting our priorities together and her coming back home and lets start the rebuilding. She said it's taken 3 years to understand this, I said I've always had a problem comprehending things unless they are straightforward. She said she really does love me and wishes we could roll the clock back 2 years and start there but can't. We are both in agreement that this is what needs to be done, but she said she needs space and time to think things out. So I honored her space.

Yesterday, I had to go get our other vehicle from the shop and had nobody to take me but my wife, I asked and she jumped at the occasion to take me to get the car on her way to work. She called when I left for work and before she left her parents house to come get me. She came into the house like normal we hugged and she sat down and played with our dog. Then we proceeded on about 45min. drive. The drive was going well, we talked about how each other is doing, and work, and about our parents, the weather, numerous other things. I told her I have a week vacation next week and on one of her days off if she wanted to get together to talk or go for a drive, grab something to eat I'm open for that if she was willing, immediately she turned hateful but didn't say anything her facial expression said it all, I said well ok, I guess you aren't ready for that, and she began to cry.

Later on in the trip as we was still talking, I brought up the idea that we are gonna have to talk about this sooner or later, because I think we both are in the dark about what is going on, she said we would but she just needs space to think about her and clear her head. I said ok. And she began to cry again, like she wants the contact and the attention but can't.

Well, the 3 days before she left she was struck with one of the worst migraines that I have ever seen her have. I stayed with her for the most part throughout the 3 days with little sleep and checking on her every few hours, getting her something to eat, drink and medications. The day before she left she became worried about her wedding rings and wanted me to get them and make sure they were safe and she didn't want to lose them, as a sign of her migraines coming her fingers swell so she took them off.

I had sat down and wrote her a letter and gathered up her rings and when we was ready to leave the body shop I gave her a letter that I wrote and gave her her rings and said here's your rings that you was worrying about the other day, I figured you would want them. She dropped her head and began to cry, seeing this pain caused me to cry too. So we are ready to leave the shop she goto work and me back to our house, I asked if I could kiss her, this look of sadness came across her, and she dropped her head and she began to dry, I just put my hand on her shoulder and told her I loved her, and she said she loves me too and she would call and text me today.

It wasn't 15min. later she began to text until she got busy at work. And we texted back and forth all day and it's been snowing and was concerned for my safety and wanted to know when I left town and got home, like normally we have done for several years. And she said she would even call when it was time for me to goto work, she did like we have done for years.

I mean really nothing has changed other than yeah, she left. But the texting is almost the same without the pet names, she still calls to talk, makes sure our routines are still there like we have always done, and when she left work this evening the same thing she was leaving she loved me and would call or text when she got to her parents.

Well, I was at work and noticed her mother was online, she texted me and said one of the horses had died from old age and they was gonna bury her this weekend, I offered to help and her and her mother told me they had someone coming with a backhoe, but will let my wife's dad know and would tell him to call me if he needs help.

I told her I don't want to be a stranger but want to respect my wife's request for space. But I still want to help out wherever I can like I normally have for several years. I told her that I have no clue what is going on here, and I'm scared to what is going on, she stated well that make's two of us and three if you count her father. She said it's shocking to them too, but they are in the middle of it and really hands are bound, because they are basically in the same boat as me, she can stay there but my wife never told them anything and has kinda been a recluse keeping to her old room at their house.

I said I would like to come and talk to them, but don't want to encroach and make things worse, and honor my wife's space. She told me that her dad want's to talk to me but would call when he's ready to talk, which in a round about way the way she worded it would be soon. Her mom told me that something is really bothering her and has them all upset.

There has been multiple hardships in our marriage in the last month, money issues, health issues with my parents, her parents, problems at work, both of us having illnesses, alot of stress on the situation, and my wife had stopped taking her anti-depressants about a 1 1/2 years ago and she's had some blow-ups every few months since stopping those meds but they were over as soon as they began.

It just seems that she wants to be emotional with me and wants the contact and wants to fix this, but something is holding her back. This is all very upsetting to me and obviously her family too, we all are upset because we are all in the dark. She really doesn't want to talk about any of it and be left alone.

Does anyone have any idea on what is going on or what I can do. I don't feel we are at the point of divorce. I mean she has made the statements she wants to do all she can for me and things around our house, the bills and everything, but really doesn't want contact.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or really what is going on.

Can someone out there shed some light on this.



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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 04:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

Let me add something else to this she called day before yesterday while I was at work from our house. She called to say she was at the house hanging out for a little bit, she came to see our dog and get some clothes. I got home yesterday morning before she got there to pick me up, there was hardly anything gone. I figured she would have taken more, but hardly anything was gone, mostly just work just work clothes and some of her pajama outfits that was it and underwear/socks that was it, nothing out of place nothing missing almost everything is still here in the same places as they have been for years. I'm really confused now.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 04:52 AM
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

My first reaction to "needing more space" is that there's someone else in her life.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 04:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

Originally Posted by staystrong View Post
My first reaction to "needing more space" is that there's someone else in her life.

My wife always from the beginning when we first dated and was married, when she would get down on herself, especially got worse when she stopped her meds. She has gotten mad and left but asked to come home shortly after, and things healed and moved through it.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 05:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

Also, I know there is resentment and anger towards me, but I have done nothing but be there and support her each time she's sick, ups and downs, stressful periods and she is very appreciative of me. And recently, she threw it out to me that she has put me through alot and wondered why I stay. I told her I love you, and I respect our marriage, and want to be great husband and honor our wedding vows. She broke down and cried.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 05:17 AM
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

She needs to get back on her meds...something...see a doctor ...and a counselor and sort out all this 'crying'...she needs to get a grip and figure out what she wants and act on it.
All this on again and off again with you I think is a method of control for her. This is no way for you to continually live. Convince her to get some help and break this cycle.

Don't make excuses for him. You can't put flowers in an @sshole and call it a vase.

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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 05:20 AM
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

Sounds like you deal with a lot of her issues for her and that is why you go round and round. She needs to take ownership of her problems. At this time the only one who can save things is her. If she doesn't face and deal with her insecurities etc they won't go away.

Unfortunately we can't help her as she isn't her and tbh, there is only so much you can do to help her. In my opinion she has used you as a crutch so she doesn't have to stand herself. Maybe this is a good thing, if she can learn to stand without you - maybe then there is hope for a healthy relationship?

What I think you need to do is look at your own behaviors. Things you have done will have either pushed her towards what she has done or simply enabled it and I'm guessing the latter from what you have said.

I think you should let us know more about how you are, do you socialise or is it all work. Do you tend to rugsweep the problems in the marriage and make it seem like everything is ok when it's not? Did you use work as an escape form problems at home?

You need to encourage her to work on her issues and maybe you can support her in it but for yourself, the only person you can work on is yourself.

She definitely needs medical advice about her medication and pre-existing condition. Depression can make you do some weird things and see things in a very strange light.

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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 05:45 AM
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

Need space, love you but not in love. These are things that women say to make themselves feel better. She either has started seeing another man, or has one in the pipeline.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2013, 08:13 AM
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Re: My wife left, but something is not right, please help!!

I can see both sides as being a possibility here

Being off the meds for depression is not a good thing. It's also possible that while she's been off someone else has entered her life and she's struggling with the issue of what to do

Also, I would steer clear of getting her parents involved. If and when they reach out to you, that's fine but do not approach them again. Your wife will most likely see this as an attempt to manipulate her. Remeber her parents are her blood and you are not!
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