I have been married for 4 years (ann. on thursday) and I found out today that my h. kissed a co-worker of mine - 20 year old girl - and had an emotional affair for the past couple of months. I made him call her and break it off, which he did, and immediately packed up and left. He took his son and our 2 year old daughter with him. He is trying to say that it is because I am such a negative person, that he went to her for happiness. I am so angry right now, but I have a 12 year old daughter in the other room who is hurting too. I dont know how long he plans on being gone, and we have no money for counseling. I have been through this before, and I thought I married an ADULT this time, but I am afraid I may have lost all faith in men now. I don't know where to turn, he is a minister (in training) and I dont want to publicly ruin him, because I believe in mercy and forgiveness, but where do I go for solace? I feel like a victim with no rights. Any tips or ideas?
betrayal is one of the worst things another can do to you.
Especially someone who says they loved you.
Is there anyone in your family or circle of friends you can confide in? Its very important for someone to there for you right now. I understand you dont want to ruin his future and kudos to you for taking the high road.
Vent here all you want. Its a very supportive community as alot of us have been or a still going through our own personal hell.
We help eachother along.
You have some difficult decisions to make. Do you wish to forgive him and hopefully repair your marriage? Have you had enough and are just afraid to be on your own? What was your marriage like before you busted him? Do you know what things you may have done wrong to push him away? The more answers you can provide the more we may be able to help you.
There is free councelling available if you look around or based on a sliding pay scale. If you are part of a church, they may have some resources as well, but it sounds like that may reflect bad on him and you dont want that. I understand, but you need to think about yourself and your kids first.
Also why did he take your 2yr old son? Are you OK with that?
Hang in there, we are here for you and remember, you arent responsible for him cheating. He took that upon himself. No excuses. Dont let him make you feel guilty its a cheaters favourite ploy.
Not sure if you would like to salvage the relationship?
Read Dr. Dobson's When Love Must be Tough. There should be a copy at the library or used book store. I've tried everything to win my husband back......this book has been my last resort. It has common sense ideas for those who are rejected or the "victim."
As far as counseling. It's common for counselors to do pro bono or sliding scale. If you have a University...they often have students that counsel for free in the community. Call the counseling/psychology dept and find out. It's worth getting support.
Don't worry about ruining him. People will find out, since he has left and will ask questions. He is ruining himself.....it's not your responsibility to protect him. He needs to feel the "pain" of is decisions.
Minister in training??? Don't think the clergy would be happy to hear that because you were negative he had an EA? Yeah that justifies it. Sorry to hear what you're going through. Been there, got the t-shirt. He needs to take responsibility for the EA. Odd he would take your 2 year old? Time will tell what he plans to do but I think instead of turning to a kid for affection he needed to discuss it with his wife. What the heck ever happened to communication??? Hello ?? Any mature, level headed adults out there??
wow, similar story to mine and lot of ours on here. Stick with us, it's been great ever since i joined a month ago.
my husband has been gone for over a week now after i found out about his EA and kissing his coworker. I'm getting passed the anger now. I'm just really sad now though. we pretty much only talk and skype b/c of our 1yr. old.
at first i wanted to protect him by not wanting to tell very many people, plus i was embarrassed. it's in hopes to salvage our friendship with others if we were to get back together i guess. but enough of him. try focusing on YOU! if your H says you're negative, maybe that's something you should look into (esp. since this has happened before). NOT TO SAY YOU'RE AT FAULT!!! But it always takes 2 right? I'm working on finding my FUN self again and I admit that i'm starting to have fun doing it
i wish you the best. life is too short. hard to read now, but we will all be stronger in the end. have faith and believe in yourself!!!!
Thanks everyone for your insights. Later that day I texted him and asked him to come home so we could talk it out. I know it wasnt a "real" relationship that he had with this girl, because I know her, and I know she was just saying things he wanted to hear, to lure him away from me. That doesnt excuse his behavior, but it gives me comfort anyway. We have talked a lot and he admits he was wrong, and he has completely broken off the relationship. She came in to work on Monday and quit, and told our boss that she would never see him (my H.) again. I have spoken to my boss (who has a masters in counseling) and the most important thing he told me is that no matter what my behavior or actions in the marriage, no one is allowed to cheat.
We are going through a lot of turmoil right now, with his only working part time, and taking classes, and my job with it's little pay. Four kids from 2 years on up to 16, we live in a house that is owned by my father, and we pay rent to live here. We had a bankruptcy last fall, so we have no credit. Obviously there is a lot of stress, so what we decided this morning is that when we have time alone together, only SOME of the time can be spent focusing on dealing with problems, and the rest has to be just for enjoyment. Watching a movie, going to the park, etc. That is what he got from HER because she was 19 and had no bills or kids or other major "married life" BS to deal with, so she could just play and be fun with him, and that is what he was attracted to.
I know it will be a long time before I completely trust him again, but I am fully committed to my marriage, as a VOW we made to each other, and I will continue to fight for it.