he changed his mind again
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 02-09-2013, 07:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default he changed his mind again

My H changed his mind again about meeting up with me next week. We were in long d and he told me the divorce news 1.5 months ago. We haven't met each other for 4 months. I told him two weeks ago I am going to fly over there and talk to him about divorce and spend few days together. He was cooled with that but told me 6 days is too long instead he wanted me to stay for a weekend only. I told him I have already booked everything. He then said okay. Today, he changed his mind again, no only told me he couldn't meet me for 6 days, he said he didn't want to meet up even for a dinner. He knew I booked ticket already and hotel. It's very cold in Boston and he told me to take cab and rent car myself. He's not going to see me at all. It took me almost 20 hours to fly there to just see him and want to have a face talk...and he even couldn't grant my will.



I said sorry to him that I gave him so much pressure these days and he told me I didn't feel sorry, and for him seeing me made him feel like living in hell these days. He told me he's not going to see me until we legally separated and he has blocked my gchat and whatsapp.

I am so devastated. He gave me some hope few days ago about having another chance and now all of sudden he changed back. He said he would only see me when I have already moved on. Please help...I want to fly there. I truly want to see him.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: he changed his mind again

willibeok:

I have read all of your threads up until now. CANCEL YOUR TRIP.
  • You're wasting your time.
  • You're wasting your money.
  • You're annoying your STBXH and driving him further away from you.
  • You're putting yourself through an emotional wringer.
  • Your marriage is OVER because your STBXH says it is.
You may not LIKE it, you may not AGREE with it, but your marriage is OVER. DONE. FINISHED.

It takes TWO people to make a marriage work, and your STBXH doesn't want to make it work. He's tired of trying to make it work.

It only takes ONE person to decide the marriage is over. And HE has decided it. SO IT'S OVER.

I am NOT saying these things to be MEAN, but to get you to realize the futility of trying to chase him and tell him you're sorry, and you've changed, and you were wrong.

Just from reading your posts, you appear VERY needy, VERY clingy, VERY pushy....these are NOT going to be seen by your husband (or any man or any person) as attractive qualities in a spouse or a friend.

ACCEPT the inevitable. Your marriage is over. It is.

NOW, what is left to do is to FIX YOURSELF so you're no longer someone who argues continually, refuses to compromise, demands her way, acts immaturely...whatever the problems were in your first marriage. FIX THEM. Then you will be in a position to move on with the rest of your life wherein you can find healthy, happy, adult relationships that will be fulfilling for both YOU and the other person.

Good Luck.
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Old 02-09-2013, 09:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: he changed his mind again

slowlygettingwiser - you had the balls to say what I was thinking. Well said! And willibeok, please know that these things are NOT SAID to hurt you but to HELP you - it is clearly time to move on...he has made that clear. Why would you want to be with someone who clearly has no interest at all in being with you? Someone better suited for you WILL come along, but you need to love YOURSELF first, which it does not seem like you do. You will never be a good partner for someone if you do not have comfort in your own skin.

Definitely cancel the trip....come here and vent all you need to....but it is time to start healing...
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: he changed his mind again

@Willibeok, Right now the husband has harden his heart against you. At this point, if you really what to save your marriage, don't give up just pray to God to restore your marriage and to give you the strength, the patience, peace and faith you need during this process. Let go and let God be in control of your marriage. Give you husband his space and start to focusing on yourself. I know its hard and it hurts, but this is the only way. Anything is possible with God!!!
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Old 02-09-2013, 01:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
workingatit:
slowlygettingwiser - you had the balls to say what I was thinking
Well, the ovaries , but I appreciate the thought!
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Old 02-09-2013, 09:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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am I wrong with that? I wanted to save my marriage. I didn't have chance to talk about the divorce since we never meet each other. I am desperate..yes I did things wrong. However, for all those years I we were together, I just want to hang out before i sign the paper. I just want to talk by face. I need to respect him, but where is his respect.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: he changed his mind again

I can under stand your need for face to face. I didn't get that. I wasn't worthy of a phone call. He wouldn't talk to me..or end it properly...like a man.
Soon I realized I was done with the text contact he would only allow...

I understand the need for face to face...do you deserve that? Yes you do. I think everyone deserves closure. Or that one last ditch effort to try...I hated being denied the closure...it was a rejection beyond all...then he cut me financially...etc etc

My story yet goes deeper...so I gave him closure...it's called a restraining order. I closed him right up.

My point is I know your yearning for that last contact. If you go...if you do you must be ready of course for the possible rejection to your face and the wasted trip. I don't know your husband...maybe he will cave and talk...but it sure doesn't sound like he wants too..

What are you going to do?
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Old 02-10-2013, 02:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I know we have so many problems. I truly want to work on it. I know i am being pushy on the divorce because I truly don't want to divorce. I could improve my personality but he doesn't want to give us another chance. He said he doesn't love me and refused to have dinner together.

I am still going there even might not have chance to have dinner. Today we talked on phone and he agreed to pick me up and drop me off to airport. It's very upset that the closest person now become stranger.
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Old 02-10-2013, 05:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
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You have got to start respecting yourself and stop trying to change his mind. What you are doing is ridiculous. He's gone. GONE. You said it yourself, your best friend is a stranger.

Look at it like this: A relationship is like two people on either side of the highway. Ideally both people meet in the middle along the solid yellow line. Either person can move a little off that yellow line, but neither person can cross that line to bring the other person back. Your husband is all the way back over at the opposite side of the road, and you are trying to chase him way past the line.

It's over, like the others, not saying it to be mean, and yes, divorce is horrible, but you have to face the facts. If someone says they do not love you, if someone says they do not want to be married, then you have to have enough respect for yourself to realize "I am better than this" and move on. Groveling is not an attractive look for anyong.
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Old 02-10-2013, 02:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: he changed his mind again

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Originally Posted by willibeok View Post
I know we have so many problems. I truly want to work on it. I know i am being pushy on the divorce because I truly don't want to divorce. I could improve my personality but he doesn't want to give us another chance. He said he doesn't love me and refused to have dinner together.

I am still going there even might not have chance to have dinner. Today we talked on phone and he agreed to pick me up and drop me off to airport. It's very upset that the closest person now become stranger.
Listen...do your one last ditch effort thing for your need to see him...but you need to look at is as closure. Ok? Its clear where he stands...I know you understand this...you have to say your goodbye and then start your healing process and move on. i know this hurts..believe me I do...so do your thing...but again...this meeting is going to be your closure girl...not a reconciliation...and that's ok...nothing wrong with this...just be prepared for the crappy feeling your gonna feel...but then again you feel crappy anyway right? (((hugs)))

Do your thing...guard your heart ...be strong and recognize your ending a chapter in your life that needs to end. It's going to be ok yanno...
When this 'last meeting' is over...contact is done. Because if you keep going with this your hurting yourself and you can't do that. You've been rejected enough by him...done is done. Door closed.

xoxo
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Old 02-10-2013, 02:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: he changed his mind again

I feel your pain.

I tried intermittently for nearly a year to pull my wayward wife "out of the fog".

What have I learned?

When people show you who they really are, you need to believe them.

Not for their sake, but for your own.
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:48 AM   #12 (permalink)
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He gave me two option after changing his mind on the meet up during the the past weekend. 1) asked one of our friends as witness and signed then he would spend sunday with me. 2) he would pick me up in airport and drop me off but would be out of town during all the other time to avoid me completely.

I was very pissed by the two options. Therefore, instead of flying there, I canceled my flight and hotels. Now I start to feel better about the whole divorce and start to wake up myself. He said all the stress is from me. He thought I was the mrs. right but he was wrong and so he said he just brave enough to stand up and admit his mistake.

I kind of accept the divorce now and feel not so much pain even with whatever hurtful words he told me again and again. He said the divorce paper is on the way for me to sign and got pissed when i was discussing spouse support. I think I will just sign the paper, I don't need spouse support and set him free.

The only thing brother me still a bit is the no closure. He would not let us at least see each other once before signing the paper. However, same as divorce, I am getting used to the fact and start to accept it now.
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you for your support. At the end, there is no closure between he and me. We mostly did our talking by whatsapp or phone. It's kind of upset. He said he would never regret on the decision he did today. However, I think I should never regret as well. I did all I could to save my marriage and ended it in a nicer way. I tried to have a good closure but he rejected. I didn't need to feel the pain anymore, I tried all my best.


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Originally Posted by Stella Moon View Post
Listen...do your one last ditch effort thing for your need to see him...but you need to look at is as closure. Ok? Its clear where he stands...I know you understand this...you have to say your goodbye and then start your healing process and move on. i know this hurts..believe me I do...so do your thing...but again...this meeting is going to be your closure girl...not a reconciliation...and that's ok...nothing wrong with this...just be prepared for the crappy feeling your gonna feel...but then again you feel crappy anyway right? (((hugs)))

Do your thing...guard your heart ...be strong and recognize your ending a chapter in your life that needs to end. It's going to be ok yanno...
When this 'last meeting' is over...contact is done. Because if you keep going with this your hurting yourself and you can't do that. You've been rejected enough by him...done is done. Door closed.

xoxo
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Old 02-20-2013, 08:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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My soon to be ex husband told me the truth is he doesn't love me anymore and that's why he gave up our marriage. He said he thought I was mrs. right for him but he made a mistake.

It's a very hurtful truth statement, but I start to accept that.
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by willibeok View Post
Thank you for your support. At the end, there is no closure between he and me. We mostly did our talking by whatsapp or phone. It's kind of upset. He said he would never regret on the decision he did today. However, I think I should never regret as well. I did all I could to save my marriage and ended it in a nicer way. I tried to have a good closure but he rejected. I didn't need to feel the pain anymore, I tried all my best.
I understand how hard that is. I do and I'm sorry. As I said I wasn't nor have never even been worth of a phone call...just a few texts...and I know how hard that is to just suck up.

It is what it is and yes you did your best for the closure...you can't control his rejection but you can control how you heal. So heal.

We both need too. I gave myself closure in my own way...and it was a big one...and it's good enough for me.

Do the same. Guard your heart...self respect and integrity....let him go...sounds like you are...and no you don't need the pain anymore...
We will find someone else when it's time....who will love us the right way...and responsibly...

Hugs lady.
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