Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)
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Old 02-09-2013, 12:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

Hi All -

Is it too early to start dreading Valentine's Day? Last year at this time, I was still with my H, although things were tense and he was talking of moving out, which had me in a state of anxiety. Even so, he gave me a lovely Valentine's Day card and took me out for a nice dinner. He moved out in early April, and in the beginning, I had more hope that this would be temporary, but he has not made any overtures toward reconciliation.

I've done my best to stick to the 180, so I do not initiate contact with him. However, I get conflicting advice on whether and how to respond when he asks to get together socially -- e.g. a movie, sports event, or dinner -- which he has done occasionally since the separation (more in the early months than the past several months). It is my understanding he does not want to be married any more and that he will be filing for divorce -- we have already divided our assets and have no kids so there is nothing standing the way. I have told him I won't try to prevent it, but I think he will be making a huge mistake if he files, and I am sad that he did not want to try harder to save the marriage.

I know the best thing would be to just let V. Day pass, and send cards to family and friends. I did make plans to be out of the country, relaxing on a warm beach next week (yippeee!!!!) -- though it will be my first real vacation without my H

But instead of doing nothing about V. Day (as I probably should have) just for the hell of it, I am having sent to him a collage photograph of images from our life together (made easily in 2 minutes on PicCollage app, and costs $2,00 to have made into a postcard and mailed). The message on the back just says, "Dear ___, I will always cherish all the great memories of the many good times we shared together. XOXO"

I am prepared to take sh*t for this, but at this point I just feel like I have nothing to lose, and don't feel invested in his reaction, one way or the other. He was an important person in my life -- THE most important for a long time. Yes, my happiness does not depend on him or anything outside myself, but he is the love of my life and for me, being without him has been like learning to live without a limb.

I would be interested in hearing what folks are doing for Valentine's Day, if you are going through separation or divorce. I know it is not the easiest holiday for the broken hearted, so I hope folks find ways to celebrate love in their lives -- love of family, friends and self, if not of an estranged spouse :-)

Cheers and best wishes, - A12
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Old 02-09-2013, 01:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

Well I'm in your shoes being the spouse who is against the separation/ divorce talk. I too have worked hard on the 180 concept, and I would say sending that post card would go against the principals of the program. I just left the home this last Wednesday, and I'm not looking forward to the upcoming holiday either. My plan is to treat is as any other day. If my W decides to make something of it I suppose I will consider what ever that may be. From a mans prospective I would highly suggest not sending that card.
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Old 02-09-2013, 01:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

Go out with friends...any single friends?

The women from work and myself are going out for drinks. Whatever.
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Old 02-09-2013, 01:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

I agree with Brunic, don't send the card. It's been my experience some men are pretty stubborn once their mind is made up, put up a kind of shell.
My own husband hurts my feelings... I get quiet....then he goes around acting like the victim! He's a real piece of work & I've grown to dislike him immensely. He only thinks of himself, ALWAYS! But I'm stuck, 68y/o, no place to go.
My best to both of you (Brunic & Awakening 2012), start new lives! The best is yet to come!!
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

I'll be at yoga valentines day evening. Not expecting anything from H. Not sure about the card, you know the situation best. Is your h feeling guilty? As this will trigger guilt in him and possible resentment towards ou. Having said that, it might be a nice idea, if sent without expecting anything from him in way of response. You will need to decide.
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

So, my STBXW and I are in-house-separated since last May, when she asked to get divorced.

Two things about Valentine's Day for me this year...
  1. I have been waiting for her and her lawyer to review the first draft of a marriage settlement I gave her to look over more than a month ago. If we don't hear from them by next week, my attorney is going to file the papers on Valentine's Day. (It was his idea... I like my lawyer. )
  2. My STBXW either has to get better at being sneaky, or she needs to move out. Cleaning house today, I stumbled upon the Valentine's present she bought for her new boyfriend... A T-shirt and a bottle of KY jelly. Classy.


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Old 02-09-2013, 02:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

Only gifts I'm buying for anyone are for my kids
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

Hi Guys -

Thank you for the kind responses. I fully realize sending the card was against the 180 but after 9 months, I have got ZERO results from the 180, so already I could not feel less connected to him. If receiving a card from his wife puts him over the edge to divorce me, so be it. At this point, I sense so little if any chance of R anyway, AND I have been completely respectful of his space all this time -- so I decided "what the hell"? I am not expecting anything from this gesture, but don't think it can hurt my standing with him or push him further away than he already is.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Cheers, - A12
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

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Originally Posted by Awakening2012 View Post
Hi Guys -

Thank you for the kind responses. I fully realize sending the card was against the 180 but after 9 months, I have got ZERO results from the 180, so already I could not feel less connected to him. If receiving a card from his wife puts him over the edge to divorce me, so be it. At this point, I sense so little if any chance of R anyway, AND I have been completely respectful of his space all this time -- so I decided "what the hell"? I am not expecting anything from this gesture, but don't think it can hurt my standing with him or push him further away than he already is.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Cheers, - A12
Does he deserve to receive such a thoughtful card from you? Will he even care or appreciate it? I've posted on here as being the one dumped - my husband left me. But lately I've been thinking about another relationship I had before my husband, in which I dumped him. When I was the dumper, no card would have change my mind, in fact it would have just annoyed me because I was already so done... it's just food for thought. But I know you'll do what you think is best. My friends have given me all sorts of great advice that I haven't listened to
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Old 02-09-2013, 03:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

I am not sure what the purpose of the card is? In my opinion it makes you look weak and that you are still pining for him.....is that really the message you want to send?
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Old 02-09-2013, 03:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

I hear you guys, and understand the down side of it -- but I don't care anymore if he knows I still care. It is the truth. Not that it makes any difference, but it will be exactly 8 years ago this Valentie's Day that he proposed to me. If it is a turn-off to send him a small tribute to our years together, then so be it. As I've said, the 180 has done nothing to help my situation, and at this point I feel he cannot pull further away than he already is. In any event, I will not be here on Valentine's Day, as I am jetting off (first class!) to an undisclosed beach location for a spa get away :-)

Cheers, - A12
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Old 02-09-2013, 03:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

Well, last year he said 'oh I wasn't going to bother with Valentine's Day because we don't really believe in it do we' and then left two weeks later.

I'm not really that bothered about it to be honest, a card from a secret admirer might be awesome though
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:37 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

I'm gonna get laid.
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Old 02-09-2013, 05:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

I'm getting divorced in the morning, taking part in a worldwide dance mob protesting domestic violence and sexual assault in the afternoon and evening, taking myself out for a lovely dinner, then going to my striptease fitness class, after which my teacher is taking me out for drinks to celebrate my birthday which is the following Thursday.

Last year, Valentine's Day was the day that NearlyEx chose to tell me he was starting to date again.

It's certainly not a romantic Valentine's Day. But it is a day I have taken control of, instead of letting it turn into a day that controls me. Even though I was the one who was dumped, I filed for the divorce, I'm doing something that's meaningful to me and honoring people I care about in the dance mob, and also doing something fun (dinner, STFC and drinks later).

It may actually turn out to be one of the better V Day's I've had in the last several years.

Maybe next year, I'll be able to say what old_timer said, too.
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Old 02-09-2013, 05:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)

I'm not sure what I'll do. This will be my second one alone. I like to think of it as any other day, so I may just have some wine and watch a good film.
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