6 months now and have suffered another blow but am still fighting!!!! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 05:17 AM Thread Starter
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6 months now and have suffered another blow but am still fighting!!!!

Hi, although I have used this fantastic site for support over the last 6 months and posted on other peoples threads I have never started one of my own. A few threads have started recently about people whose partners have just given them the `I love you but am not in love with you` speech and after the weekend I have had I wanted to tell my story 6 months on after that talk. The background story below is a slightly edited version of what I posted 3 months ago:-

After a 19 year relationship (9 year marriage) my wife finally admitted she was not attracted to me back in August. She told me she had felt that way for the last 4/5 years but she never told me in that time and basically carried on doing everything she could to keep me happy so I never knew there was a problem. All our friends and family thought we were the perfect couple (as did I) although they have admitted now they were wondering why we never had kids. (She kept putting this off and saying there was plenty of time - I am 37 now and whilst I have happily waited over the years she knew I was keen.)

When she finally ended it she woke me up at 6.30am on a Saturday morning and blurted it out to me and after 19 years together we split that same day. I will forever be gutted that we never had the chance to work at our relationship together. It felt to me (although obviously not to her) that after 19 happy years our lives together and future dreams were just switched off like a light switch.

At this point I should state that 18 months before we split she started running with a man who she met as part of a group at the local fitness centre. I was worried about this but she assured me there was no attraction between them so I trusted her -after 18 years and what I felt was a good strong relationship I felt she had earned my trust. (Stupid I know!) On the day she broke up with me she revealed the other man had told her a few days before that he was in love with her and she had realised she had feelings for him which was the final straw that prompted the breakup with me although she promises it is not the actual reason - only that she feels she could not have developed feelings for someone else if she truly loved me. She moved out and rented a property in the next week where she lived until recently. I couldnt stay in our house by myself (too many memories) so I moved in with my parents whilst I tried to get my head round things.

Months on I find that looking back I can see now that my wife never properly returned the affection that I showed her and that I was getting more and more desperate with my efforts to try and make myself attractive to her. At the time of the split she wanted us to remain friends although I feel now this is probably what most most dumpees say. When I look back on our relationship all I can see are lies and `fake` happiness (especially in the last 5 years) - we had a holiday in July ( a month before we split) which was just the two of us and I felt was so romantic - all friends still say now we were both glowing and so happy when we returned home from this. When I brought this up on the weekend of the split she said in her mind we were just best friends having a nice time. What a joke!!

The weekend we split she personally visited members of my family and some of our very close friends to explain the situation and everyone felt she was being very sincere and honest about her feelings for me and that the other man was not the real reason for her leaving. (Can you see where this is heading?)

Most of the the above was written after 3 months of seperation, it has now been 6 months. In that time I have tried to follow the 180 as best I could, I only communicated via text with her and that was only about the selling of our house (which went through this past weekend - neither of us lived in it from the moment we split) and I have not physiclaly seen her since our mediation session (to sort our finances) last October. I have been trying to keep myself busy and have become so much closer to my family and other friends who have given me all the support I could ask for and more. I am usually out 2 or 3 times a week with friends and still play football twice a week which keeps me active and I have started meeting some new people which is all good.

I have still been in regular contact wiith her parents, I have always been very close with them and when we talk we dont mention her - just talk about our own lives as if she doesnt exist. However, this past weekend when I saw them they told me that she has now moved into a new house with the guy who she insisted was not the reason for her leaving.

I had already heard she had moved into the same village as him but stupidly never imagined less than 6 months after our 19 year relationship ended she would move in with another man. A week after we split I told her I felt like I was being replaced both in her and her familys life by another man - she insisted this was not the situation, she just needed time to herself.
6 months on it has indeed become the situation.

When you read through the posts here you realise this is a common occurence and because it has been 6 months I should not have been surprised but I felt like I had been hit by a truck. All my family and friends are stunned too - she has always been a very morale and highly principled woman but I guess `the fog` has taken over.

Anyway I have had a few bad moments again this week since this news but as one close friend pointed out - I am getting up quicker now after getting knocked down than I was 6 months ago and I refuse to return to those times. It is hard and if I am being honest I am very scared about meeting someone new after this but I can feel a new `steely determined` attitude taking hold and I am not letting her hold me back any longer.

Thanks for reading, think a lot of this is just therapy for me to get all the thoughts down and out of my head but also thought it may help someone out there.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 05:31 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Posts: 153
Re: 6 months now and have suffered another blow but am still fighting!!!!

Does sound like so many other stories.

No surprise about the shock it's caused but it's great you can see the progress you have made. Keep your focus on you.

There was a fundamental conflict in there about having kids or not. You can get past so many differences with love but whether to have kids or not is so primal, well I am just glad you are looking to move forward. You need to be with someone more compatible in that respect.

Just don't feel rushed, take it slow, be careful where your feelings take you while you are still recovering form the hurt.

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth—we’re chickens.” So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.

Anthony de Mello - Awareness

Last edited by K.C.; 02-13-2013 at 06:25 AM.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 07:58 AM
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Re: 6 months now and have suffered another blow but am still fighting!!!!

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. Certainly sounds similar to my story in a lot of ways. I'm about 6 months in as well and feel I'm past the worst of things. I don't have children like you, that makes this situation a lot easier than if we would have had children with our ex's.
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