Your story is not so different from mine... A dissatisfied wife who eventually began a string of EAs, initiated an in-house separation, suggested divorce, then never did anything else to either reconcile or end the marriage and the relationship.
In February, I got tired of waiting and filed for divorce myself. She's been stonewalling to stall things, and so I've taken control of the situation and have been moving things forward with or without her.
It sounds like you've fallen into the same sort of co-dependent, "nice guy", try-to-fix-all-the-problems-myself-including-his sort of paradigm a lot of us have.
The solution is... Stop worrying about him. Stop worrying about the marriage and the relationship. You've got enough of your own problems, so fix those first.
Once you start fixing yourself, there's a good chance your husband might notice, join in and open himself to reconciliation. On the other hand, there an equal chance he won't and your marriage will end.
Either way... In the end, YOU will be stronger, healthier and happier.
Allow me to take special note of this...
Originally Posted by allowingthecakeeating View Post
...being the wife he would want me to be (finally started taking ADD medication etc..)...
I am just ADD enough to be diagnosed. It's something can cause a lot of big problems in marriages and relationships, if you aren't taking care to actively treat it and learning appropriate and effective coping strategies to deal with it.
Melissa Orlov, the author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage
(a book I'd highly recommend you and your husband read, if you haven't), hosts a forum for people dealing with ADHD in a relationship... http://www.adhdmarriage.com/forum
...The place has a very similar vibe to TAM. Check it out.