Am I a sucker?
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Old 03-13-2013, 09:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Am I a sucker?

Hi everyone I have been coming into these rooms for months but never registered until today . I have been with my husband 23 years and we have 3 children ages 9,10 to 14.

Briefly, about 3 years ago my husband started to become very distant in our marriage. A year and a half ago we started some marriage counseling. He did not participate very much. However, he had no problem telling me what was wrong with me and I spent a lot of energy changing those issues. Also, for many years I have been involved in a program of recovery and I spent a lot of time working on issues within myself to make my life better. I have come to realize that my husband is extremely passive aggressive and it has played a big role in our relationship problems. Last August he moved out and stayed with some family to get a “break” as he called it. In November he decided to get a rent a house about 10 minutes from our our home. The kids have taken this very hard because we were a very close knit family doing many activities together. During our separation my husband has been very involved with the children and shows up for all activities and wants to see them any chance he gets. We have had a custodial arrangement. I have been trying many things throughout the last 8 months such as no contact, being the wife he would want me to be (finally started taking ADD medication etc..), allowing him to come and go as he pleases, and ME moving on with participating in lots of activities, having parties, going out to dinner and movies etc.

Last month (after not asking for a couple of months), I asked or pressured him to decided what he wanted to do...he choose the option of ending the relationship. However, to date he has not filed, isn't ready to tell the kids, hasn’t moved his things out of the house etc.. is willing to go to counseling again (and use the counselor as a mediator for divorce) however, we only seem to talk about our marriage. Heehas never used the word divorce. One week he seems to want to work on things and is open and then the next he is completely shut off. Yes, I do believe that he is having an emotional relationship with an ex female boss. The pain I have been feeling is unbearable at times. I can't seem to move on. I still cry almost everyday when my chilren are out. The attorneys told me not to file for divorce because I own my own business and do not have medical insurance. For the state we are in I would lose all medical insurance if I filed first. I told him if he wanted to end the marriage he would have to do all the work. I know this scared him. He seems to come up with so many excuses that don't ring true about our relationship, like he is making “justifications” for leaving. I do set certain boundaries but can't seem to go all the way. I really know the man I married is no longer there. He has become selfish, cold, critical and seems very lonely. But, I just can't seem to get over this man. Every time I turn around people tell me I will do fine but I still want to work on the marriage. The counselor believes that he has stretched the truth to his family in justification as to why he left, and can't seem to figure out how to come back. But he is so cold to me. Help!!
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

Maybe you need to ask yourself why you want a man who makes you cry everyday, who is, as you describe "selfish, cold, critical and seems very lonely". Selfish is an understatement for the way he is treating you.
Start the 180, for you. Disengage yourself and work on you. Let him stew for awhile and keep your insurance. So sorry for your pain, it really sucks.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

His loneliness is no longer your problem. You cannot fix it.

Focus on yourself, what can you do to stop needing him.

If you think he is in an EA, is there anything you can do to gather evidence?
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

Your story is not so different from mine... A dissatisfied wife who eventually began a string of EAs, initiated an in-house separation, suggested divorce, then never did anything else to either reconcile or end the marriage and the relationship.

In February, I got tired of waiting and filed for divorce myself. She's been stonewalling to stall things, and so I've taken control of the situation and have been moving things forward with or without her.

It sounds like you've fallen into the same sort of co-dependent, "nice guy", try-to-fix-all-the-problems-myself-including-his sort of paradigm a lot of us have.

The solution is... Stop worrying about him. Stop worrying about the marriage and the relationship. You've got enough of your own problems, so fix those first.

Once you start fixing yourself, there's a good chance your husband might notice, join in and open himself to reconciliation. On the other hand, there an equal chance he won't and your marriage will end.

Either way... In the end, YOU will be stronger, healthier and happier.

Allow me to take special note of this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by allowingthecakeeating View Post
...being the wife he would want me to be (finally started taking ADD medication etc..)...
I am just ADD enough to be diagnosed. It's something can cause a lot of big problems in marriages and relationships, if you aren't taking care to actively treat it and learning appropriate and effective coping strategies to deal with it.

Melissa Orlov, the author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage (a book I'd highly recommend you and your husband read, if you haven't), hosts a forum for people dealing with ADHD in a relationship... http://www.adhdmarriage.com/forum ...The place has a very similar vibe to TAM. Check it out.


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Old 03-13-2013, 10:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for answering. I ask myself the same question... whether it's worth it but then I remember all the years of good. I will try 180 again. I have 2 years to answer once he announces the marriage is over in the state we are in . There is no legal separation in my state. Yes KC I am quite a codependent. I have tried for a couple years to get evidence that there is anything more than a emotional relationship with this woman. One of the reasons he claims he left is because I didn't believe that it was just a friendship. I never found anything inappropriate in any of their emails or texts etc... But, whatever it was or is it is not appropriate to me that he spend time speaking with another woman intimately about our marriage. He said she is a special friend however he maintains to this day that she has no impact on our marriage. Also she is currently seeking a divorce from her husband. Coincidence? Humm .....She lives 40 minutes away and he is always trying to hang out at our house. He likes having family dinners and comes over to “hang” out a lot. (It does not happen often).However, it is apparent that he loves his freedom!! He is still very involved with our church etc...We have a large group of friends and they have tried to talk with him but he is very vague and cuts them off. He tries to invite our friends to do things and most of the time they don’t go.
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

Quote:
"One of the reasons he claims he left is because I didn't believe that it was just a friendship."
Ridiculous. Bull.

Women and men are never "just friends". Not for long at least.

Quote:
Also she is currently seeking a divorce from her husband. Coincidence?
Not a coincidence.

Quote:
He tries to invite our friends to do things and most of the time they don’t go.
Because they know and they don't approve.


He's been cheating for a long time and both of them want to save their image. Contact the OW's husband. Let him know.
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

Quote:
Originally Posted by staystrong View Post
Ridiculous. Bull.

Women and men are never "just friends". Not for long at least.



Not a coincidence.
Don't entirely agree with other sex friends but it is very dangerous territory to get close. Other than that spot on.

If he would leave his wife over 'just a friend' they aren't just friends imo. If that is his best excuse, he has placed her above you, his wife.

If there was no evidence of EA, there could infact be no actual affair. And he is using that BS excuse to cover his real motives.

It could be a one sided EA.. he could be leaving to be 'available' for her post divorce. Could be two way but well hidden, if he knew you were suspicious, the 'not guilty' evidence could even have been left visible intentionally while the suspect stuff was done in person or by secret email account etc.

Whatever the connection.. there is almost certainly one that is not described by 'just friends'.

Something has happened either between them, or in his head to make him change and nothing you have posted so far explains it in a way that leaves him looking free of wrongdoing.

What is important though is you identify what you need and can do for yourself, and work on that. There are loads of knowledgeable posters here and some excellent books and articles to read that you may find very enlightening.
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“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth—we’re chickens.” So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.

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Old 03-13-2013, 11:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

This all really sucks. I am and have always been willing to work on issues in our relationship. I try to keep my side of the street clean. I wake up in the middle of the night and want the pain to stop. I keep saying to myself....”Who would want a women in her 40s with three kids?” Dating scares me and being alone scares me. It is apparent that he is not happy. He has gained lots of weight. Always wants to see the kids and has never declined when I have asked him to come over. The bottom line is he is NOT willin to "work" on making it better. Why?? Is it maybe possibly greener on the other side...despite what they say??

Last edited by allowingthecakeeating; 03-13-2013 at 11:28 AM. Reason: ?
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

Don't even thing about dating or someone new at this point.

The people that do that are just hiding their issues anyway.

Stop chasing him. He needs to face his own demons whatever they are. Stop asking him round. Stop doing anything for him. Focus on you and your kids. Anything else can wait.

The grass isn't greener else where, that's why he seems unhappy. It is greener were you water it. He thought he was heading to greener pastures but found it needed watering just like when he was at home. He has screwed up, time for him to be left to clean up is mess. You need to have other priorities now.
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“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth—we’re chickens.” So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.

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Old 03-13-2013, 11:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

I feel so inadequate. But in the same breath I am told to be attractive, I own my own business and am very active in my church and with lots friendships (last Saturday I still hosted our annual murder mystery party even without him..) But, I feel so horrible. Why can’t I see beyond?

Last edited by allowingthecakeeating; 03-13-2013 at 11:47 AM.
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

I'm in a similar position as you. Married almost 25 years - 3 kids 23-20&14 - and I'm 44 yrs old. My story is a little different because right after new years he came home from work - told me he wasn't happy he found someone else and was moving out. Didn't want to try didn't want MC & I found out 3 weeks later that he moved right in with her. I was crushed in the beginning but I knew I had to try to put thoughts of him & OW out of my head before it drive me crazy.
I'm trying every day to push ahead - some days I do better than others - and I worry too about starting over again but I have to believe this is not it for me and someday I will find someone else. Hang in there and don't let him take advantage - work on you!
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

KC, women and men can be friends but not "just friends"

OP, you are in a super tough spot, but you will have to turn things around whether he is going to be in your life or not.

Most people don't want to 'work' on relationships unless they are both committed to it. He's going to have to WANT to be with you and do it out of duty or residual love.

You may want to check the Divorce Busting site as well.
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

Quote:
Originally Posted by allowingthecakeeating View Post
I feel so inadequate. But in the same breath I am told to be attractive, I own my own business and am very active in my church and with lots friendships (last Saturday I still hosted our annual murder mystery party even without him..) But, I feel so horrible. Why can’t I see beyond?
You can't see beyond because you are focusing on him and what he may or may not do. Focus on you. That's the purpose of the 180.

When you find yourself thinking of him, say to yourself "me, me, me" and that will re-focus your energy on you. Where it should be.
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Old 03-13-2013, 12:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

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Originally Posted by allowingthecakeeating View Post
One of the reasons he claims he left is because I didn't believe that it was just a friendship.
My wife made the same excuse... The fact is, regardless of what it is or was, you set a clear boundary for him, and instead of respecting that boundary, he shifted the blame onto you and continued to violate it. And you let him do it.

And all throughout my marriage, before I got my own **** together, I let my wife do it too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by allowingthecakeeating View Post
I keep saying to myself....”Who would want a women in her 40s with three kids?”
I would. I'm 36 years old with two teenaged kids... Right now, I've got two hot 40-something women, both with kids about as old as mine, who are just as interested in me as I am in them. Thus far, I've found that they are more interesting and more fun than anyone in my age bracket.

Don't worry about it. Learn to be happy alone. If you can't be happy with yourself, how can you ever be happy with someone else?


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Last edited by Pbartender; 03-13-2013 at 01:16 PM.
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Old 03-13-2013, 12:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I a sucker?

Just wanted to say, I can really relate to how you are feeling and the powerlessness and frustration of being in limbo. My H has dragged out our separation as well, and his flip-flopping has not made it easy on me emotionally. My H is now saying he is filing, but I have yet to see papers (perhaps this week or next). Much as I had hoped for R, at this point I will just be happy to be out of limbo so I can finally truly let go and move on, emotionally.

Best Wishes,- A12
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