Recently separated and anxiious
Over the past year I have been very distant, focusing on my graduate school work. I isolated myself long before that into school work so that my social relations only consisted in my wife, who is a social person. I depended on her for my social interactions and I suppose to meet my needs. We ended up in counseling 7 months ago, but we could never really get beyond the sadness that has developed between us when we are together. No matter what I would do, it didn't seem good enough, and vice versa. I resented her new friends for "taking her away from me" and refused to hang out with them, or when I did I was silent and therefore passive aggressive. I noticed she had an attraction to one of these friends and we talked about it. She never cheated on me physically or anything but I became more and more jealous and my anger began to focus on that guy a few weeks back and I told him to back off, which he was happy to do actually. But because I was already using my wife for my social needs, she felt controlled, and this action made it harder and she feels betrayed by me talking nicely with the guy (though she knows I was very, very angry with him). I packed my bags and threatened to leave, she would have let me go, but we decided to try to make it through that weekend and then at a counseling session she decided to stay separated.
But I have been very self-absorbed for the most part, blaming her for our problems, blaming her friends, blaming her job, our city, whatever I could to keep from looking at myself. Her leaving has been a wakeup call. Three weeks ago I could not have admitted my faults. I have started therapy and am reaching out to make friends. I found that I was alone, with nobody, and it is awful. So I figured I better try to reach out to some people and have some conversations. So far that has been good, but I still feel like I don't have enough social interactions. Being a graduate student I am at home all day if I want to be.
She and I talk almost everyday by phone. I am trying to open up more to her and be honest about my struggles. After she left I decided to seek therapy, which she wanted me to do long ago. My counselor says I have suppressed my emotions. So I am trying to express my fears, worry, anxiety and such things instead of bottling it up. Since she left I have had anxiety symptoms--can't sleep or eat, my body feels like a punching bag and mouth is dry. I dread the thought of losing her completely. I am working on myself, my social network, and my spirituality. I know I need to do it for myself, but there is part of me that hopes she will notice and decide to return. She has decided to evaluate the separation in 6 weeks with our counselor (and her private therapist), who is currently on vacation during that whole time--which means she only has friends to support her and advise, which worries me more.
I am just distraught. Thanks for listening.