Need advice- he's having emotional affair
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Need advice- he's having emotional affair

I'm not sure what to do
Seperated last week, we went together and got him a hotel for month so he could think about what he wants. He's lost, confused, and feels like he's going to explode.. I went to put money onto his phone, which I didn't do after I found MANY calls between a co-worker and him. Found out it was a co-worker because I called number. She said they were "best friends but she is happly married". He came over to explain.. They are just good friends and he can't talk to anyone so he talks to her about us. Although, she didn't even know who I was.. I had him read what emotional affair was, and the signs.. He said he didn't see it that way, and was sorry. Said he'd stop calling her.. We went on a trip, just to get away from everything and try to relax as a couple. That went terrible, he is SO lost and in his own world. Well, I just went to put the money on his phone, which I did this time, but then looked again. He actually had a vioce mail he checked that day we talked, AND on our vacation trip when he went to get coffee.. What the heck should I do?
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice- he's having emotional affair

This emotional affair is not okay. He needs to get into IC now and work through it and you two need marriage counseling.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice- he's having emotional affair

You are not in a good situation. If hes that " lost" he should be confiding in you - not some other woman. What I don't understand is why are you putting money on his phone? Do you handle the finances for the home? Why isn't he doing it himself?
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice- he's having emotional affair

if he is lost and confiding in her the things he cant tell you cause they are probably about you, then why doesnt she know who you are. if they are best friends surely she knows who you are. if not what are they talking about??? does her husband know she is having an emotional affair on him. im confused about this. he doesnt sound very interested in trying. either he is lying about who she is to him and she is lying as well or he is just nuts. cause the whole situation sounds a bit fishy. and i know that is hard because im in the after math of the same situation. im still trying to deal with it. we dont want to believe its true and we want to move forward but we cant help that deep in the back of our minds we are stewing on what we dont know. hope you start to feel better. i dont have the best advice. only an lousy opinion. but dont give up something that is worth fixing.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Need advice- he's having emotional affair

Never a good thing. This risks wiping out two marriages. I'll bet her husband doesn't know about their interactions. If you are unwilling to talk about things then I can see getting another woman's opinion, but there is a fine line between advice & affair? Usually subjecting yourself to the temptation of another will bite you.
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Old 03-16-2013, 07:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice- he's having emotional affair

lost, confused, feels like he wants to explode = needs some space, not sure what he wants, loves you but not in love with you?

co-workers have more opportunity for physical affairs than most. I would be pretty surprised if all they were doing was talking. The fact that he's still in contact with her despite saying he's not and when on a trip you've gone on to try and save your marriage is a massive red flag

What do you think would happen if you hadn't caught him?
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Old 03-16-2013, 11:12 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice- he's having emotional affair

Six months ago my wife needed space, needed a social life of her own (which she said I had no right to know about) and started confiding in several other people - either "sympathetic" men.

Fast forward six months and she has dropped the D-bomb and is now in a relationship with one of those "sympathetic" men - having rejected another who asked her to run away with him.

That may be what your future holds - if you read threads on here you will see the same stories played out time and time again. I would act now while you can - or at very least whilst you get to decide on how your future pans out rather than leaving it to him to decide whether you still have a marriage or not.
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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What I don't understand is why are you putting money on his phone? Do you handle the finances for the home? [/QUOTE]

I handle the majority of the finances. He pays for the Mortgage, and I cover the other bill's & needs. I don't think putting money on the phone will be a problem.. I already caught the phone calls, he knows I can see it, so more then likly he won't use the money anyways.. He'll just use the hotel phone
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice- he's having emotional affair

They work together, you're living separate and apart, how do you know it's only emotional?

Odds are it's a heck of a lot more than that.
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Dollystanford View Post
co-workers have more opportunity for physical affairs than most.
What do you think would happen if you hadn't caught him?
I know very well about co-workers and PA.. He's done that in the past, and we worked thru it with counseling and a lot of work. He swears this time it isn't that. How he put it- which to me makes sense- (when I was addressing to him it's an EA..

"It's not, how could it be. She's a friend. I have no idea what my problem is this time, last time It was the PA that helped cause worse feelings and this time I feel that way but that factor isn't there."
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
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im confused about this. either he is lying about who she is to him and she is lying as well or he is just nuts. cause the whole situation sounds a bit fishy. but dont give up something that is worth fixing.
I don't know how she doesn't know who I am either, mostly when she's a friend of his on FB and see's all the pics of us and the kids. He said- "she knows who u are", then I said- "well she said she didn't know who I was- so I told her".. Maybe I caught her off guard..
I believe in never giving up without a fight, mostly if it's what you want in life. That's why we fought to save our relationship before. BUT, when do you know to just give up
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What I don't understand is why are you putting money on his phone? Do you handle the finances for the home?
I handle the majority of the finances. He pays for the Mortgage, and I cover the other bill's & needs. I don't think putting money on the phone will be a problem.. I already caught the phone calls, he knows I can see it, so more then likly he won't use the money anyways.. He'll just use the hotel phone [/QUOTE]

I figured you must be taking care of the bills. I did too. Do you have access to credit card reciepts or statements?
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Need advice- he's having emotional affair

The best thing my ex did for me is to divorce me. I caught her cheating with a mutual friend, she had been supposedly consoling after his marriage went south, he cheated on his ex as well. I caught them, by secretly following her, she filed, I moved out, & that was it. No remorse, no keeping me around so I could constantly have to spy on her, check her phone etc. Life is too short to have to play detective. It was brutal but much better to move on.
We weren't even separated. Being separated, I can bet he is doing quite a bit. I wish you luck but you can do better. I've always believed once someone strays, they've made their choice?
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=totamm;1536026]They work together, you're living separate and apart, how do you know it's only emotional?

Learned from the past- It doesn't matter if they live with you or not.. So that doesn't matter.. Yes, might make it easier but at this piont I wish it would have been PA instead. Frustrated
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:57 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice- he's having emotional affair

[QUOTE=woundedwarrior;1536065]
We weren't even separated. Being separated, I can bet he is doing quite a bit. I wish you luck but you can do better. QUOTE]

Should I have not forced the seperation??? He wanted to stay at home, just in different room so we could work on it here. But, I couldn't take looking at him without anger/crying (this was BEFORE finding all this out) when it was only "I'm lost and don't know about us"..
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