Ok, I am hoping someone can shed some advice on my confused self. I have been married for 14 years and have three children. We've had a very rocky marriage from the start. We married after I became pregnant. My husband realy wasnt excited about getting married as he had been married before. I am 8 years younger and wanted a wedding but he wouldnt agree and refused to even buy rings. Five months after we were married and I was 8 months pregnant, my husband had an affair. I was never so devestated in all my life. He as much as laughed about it, made me feel like a child. Well being scared so wanting so much for it to work, I stood by him and stayed with him. He was always distant to me. He never wanted to be affectionate at all. He soon after would not let me sleep in the same room with him. So after three kids and 14 years he hadnt changed much, if anything he had gotton worse. I went to him numerous times to tell him how I felt and he would never reply, he would sit and just listen to me cry and never say a word. I was so lonely, he never talked to me or acknowledged me realy. It got so bad we were almost just angry at one another and one night he and i both just snapped. He said he wanted a divorce and we woudl sell the house and I just agreed. I think I felt relieved. So we agreed to seperate, he was gonna leave and see what we could work out. Well when it came down to it, he wouldnt leave. I knew that was the only way , so I had to move myself and the kids out of our home. We rented a house. Well I knowing it wsnt the right thing to do, started talking to an old friend and we went out, we still spend time together when the kids are visiting with their dad. I am so happy when I am with him. But its confusing , my husband has since had a change of heart and is begging me to come home. He says he loves me and knows he was wrong and that he wants to prove to me that he can make me happy. I dont know what to think. I do miss our home and the concept of family, but I dont miss him , because we were never together, not just he and I. I miss being together with our kids, but I just cant seem to find the feelings I once had for him. Maybe its because I have developed feelings for this other person. My husband knows about the other person, I have told him. He hasnt dated, as he constantly is begging me to go out and to talk. I am just so lost and confused. I am realy only concerned about the kids, they are adjusting well, and seem to be happy. They were not very happy when we were at home, because things were so tense between he and I and I was always so uptight. I feel llike I took it out on them alot, to keep from taking it out on him. Which I never did. We realy didnt argue, because he woudl never talk to me. Any advice would help. Thanks so mcuh!
If he hadn't changed in 14 years and was stone cold to you the entire time what's to say he will be better now? I doubt it.
But if u can find it in your heart to forgive and give him another chance especially since he is begging and promising, then that would be better. Kids with their parents and him behaving the way he should to u and the kids is better than a divorc.
DNG -
No one knows the answer to this but you... deep in your heart.
He was never there for you, he never wanted you, he cheated on you and turned his back on you. You stayed and stayed. You tried and tried (and cried and cried). Why would you want to go back to that if you are finding a glimmer of happiness now??
Here's the thing... security feels GREAT. Having a home with all of the social norms (husband, wife, two kids, a dog and twelve televisions)... but you were miserable. Maybe someday you can have that again with someone who actually shows you respect, love and admiration.
Based on what you stated in your post, and being a woman who is terrified of being alone, I would not go back. You didn't say anything about him and your relationship with him that made me think that there was a chance that it would word out. It's almost like he just doesn't want to see you happy - - now that you are happy he wants you back, do you think suddenly after all those years he's going to do a 180 and be the person he should have been all along? Possible, but extremely doubtful.
It's a hard decision - but you probably know the answer deep in your heart.
I guess you are not good at judging people. You married this guy and he cheated on you right after shows that you were immature at that stage. There is no guarantee that this will not happen with the second guy that you are seeing now.
I would suggest that you concentrate on your marriage and keep this second guy on hold, or may be just let him go for now. If you can work it out with your H it would be best for you and the kids. But do not move so fast, observe your husband and the changes in him, keep living where you live, and let him work on his behavior. If you see noticeable changes in say a couple of months, you may decide to reconcile or otherwise.
My principle is to give everything/e'one a second chance to show their worth, never get yourself so rigid about things.
Thanks so much Flutterby, this is realy to the heart of the matter and helped me realize that the only thing that would take me back would be the normal things (home,husband,kids,dog..etc..) but I was miserable for a very long time. I am happy now, and its realy not the other person that has done that...its me being me . He has been a friend to lean on and a very understanding ear. He has in no way tried to influence me. He cares for me and we will see where it goes. Thank you again so much for the encouragement and the insight...it has realy helped me alot.
Seperated and sooo confused
