My wife filed... Dazed and confused - Page 4
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-16-2009, 10:20 PM   #46 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 411
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Today I have felt lonelier than I believe any other time in recent memory. I think I have already said that since being married and having two kids, I am not going to do well being divorced. Question - why is it that the standard image of the guy is being the one that avoids commitment, doesn't want to be married, doesn't want the responsibilities, looks only for sex and one night stands, and I don't want any of that? I loved the commitment part, loved being part of a family, am probably going to have to fight to get legal rights of joint legal custody so I can fulfil my commitment to my kids and their upbringing, love the sex but realize it is not the only part of being close in a relationship? Am I the odd man out here?

Man, I long to wake up next to someone again and just feel good about having that person next to me and feel the warmth.
no1.daddy2kids is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-16-2009, 11:04 PM   #47 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,205
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Perhaps because you were an older man committing and ready to commit. IMHO men are not totally baked until they are nearly 30.

If I were to repeat life over, I'd not marry a man less than 30 years of age. AND I would not get married unless I were at least 27.

Growth and development reasons.
Sandy55 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-16-2009, 11:35 PM   #48 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 58
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Hey there guy,

First of all, I made my significant other read your posts and it has actually in the span of a day, helped us. So thank you.

Second, you're beating up on yourself. You need to stop this behavior, for your health. I have experience in mental health, are you seeing a therapist? You sound beat/depressed, I mean who else wouldn't be depressed with what you're facing. This is a loss. There are 5 stages to loss/grief and you are full on in the Bargaining stage. The stages don't go in a particular order, but you sound trademark. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality...sounds like you.

It sounds like you made some mistakes and you tried to fix them up. You think you were too late, well it took you some time to get there, meanwhile your W went ahead and had an affair. I mean comeon, she needs to grow up!

Third, stop beating up on yourself, again.

Fourth, stop making excuses for her.

Fifth, worry about your kids as top priority and then yourself and then her, as you can see, she is worried about herself and the OM before her own kids. I know you feel guilty for not being there for her for 5 years, but you've unleashed your power. I mean, I'm worried that she's walking all over you vulnerability...not healthy at all.

Sixth, keep writing us. Good work! ,
A
Airee is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-16-2009, 11:43 PM   #49 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 58
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

I forgot to say, you're enabling her mania. Allowing triple minutes on the cell-phone so she can chat with the sicko OM?
Not good 2kids(your new nickname!! Not good at all.

Hope I'm not being to hard on ya, just trying to help. I see it differently than you do, obviously
Airee is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 12:00 AM   #50 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 411
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Go ahead, slap me around when I'm down... (I'M KIDDING! )

No, you are right. I have an appt to seek help on tues. Yea, the phone thing was crazy, but remember, that was on week 3 of this thing. At that point, I did not know what was happening. This whole thing started the 1st wk of July. Yes, that is right, 6 wks from an unhappy, but together family to 2 divorces and even more unpleasantness with the kids hearing mom screaming I WANT A DIVORCE!! at the top of her lungs.

The other thing is I only have time to write at night. Night is the time I am tired and lonely. Come sit with me and we can talk and maybe my messages will be better...

I am not easily offended, and thanks for the abuse. Sometimes you gotta be whacked around to help the situation.
no1.daddy2kids is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 11:53 AM   #51 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 411
Default the latest

I was on the way to work and stopped at church to check out a class coming up in the fall. I called back and left a message to W that I saw pastor, so she didnot get mad when they called. Turns out that she and OM are planning on going to the bible study class that our pastor is having. The one that told me he would do nothing but reconsiliation for us. The one that said he would be pretty stern on what direction W needed to go. She said that they wanted to go and see if OM can be a guest speaker at the class. WTF? Maybe I will move out after we get the finances separated. I am not sure I can live with this...
no1.daddy2kids is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 12:58 PM   #52 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,640
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Wow! Maybe the pastor doesn't know that this is the OM involved? She may have just signed up and he didn't look at the roster. Bring this up to your pastor.

Your wife is off the deep end! You know this... but she is living in another world! Get out as soon as possible. Otherwise, you are going to have a pregnant wife from the OM...he may/may not stick around. Then what?
Corpuswife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 01:23 PM   #53 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: north Ga.
Posts: 487
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Yes....this is reduculous. I agree.
DeniseK is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 02:10 PM   #54 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 58
Default Re: the latest

Quote:
Originally Posted by no1.daddy2kids View Post
I was on the way to work and stopped at church to check out a class coming up in the fall. I called back and left a message to W that I saw pastor, so she didnot get mad when they called. Turns out that she and OM are planning on going to the bible study class that our pastor is having. The one that told me he would do nothing but reconsiliation for us. The one that said he would be pretty stern on what direction W needed to go. She said that they wanted to go and see if OM can be a guest speaker at the class. WTF? Maybe I will move out after we get the finances separated. I am not sure I can live with this...
There is something so wrong with this. You need to look clearly. Is it possible your wife is mis-labelling you in the community and the church is seeing pity on this? B/c let me tell you, there is NO WAY my church would let me bring in an OM to the church when I'm still married. Are you sure they're signed up? He's going to be a guest-speaker? Guest speak on what, INFIDELITY? That guy is a creep! Wish I could get a piece of him!
Hang in there!
I sympathize for you. Your situation is really humbling for me. Do not lose your self-worth. Head up, chin up. You're alright!

I love the avatars!
Sorry for smacking you around...I've kinda got that strong personality thing going on. My significant other impersonates me sometimes...I can be a tool

A
Airee is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 03:50 PM   #55 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 411
Default Re: the latest

I dont' think that pastor knows that W/OM are coming, and that he wants to guest speak. I am glad that I am not the only one that is sitting back and laughing at this. Maybe I should write a book, half comedy and half what not do do in a relationship. Its like a soap opera!

I dont' think there is mislabling in the community/church. W does not have many friends, and I have talked my side w/ both pastors, so they know where the whole thing is coming from both sides. I hope I haven't painted too negative a picture only of W, as I am not sinless in this situation either. Lately I have probably been more angry and distant at times, because of what has been happening over the last week. Check back on my other threads, and I have not been a perfect husband. However, I have learned lots about me, and am more ready to accept the challenge of marriage now. I am willing to change and grow. I have fully admited what I did was wrong and am willing to be the one now.

Airee - no worries. I need it sometimes. My wife has given up on me, so someone needs to keep me in line now. Single men can't be trusted... right?

Last edited by no1.daddy2kids; 08-17-2009 at 03:56 PM.
no1.daddy2kids is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 05:22 PM   #56 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 24
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

No1.daddy2kids, I just have to tell you that I'm heartbroken for you. I've been following your posts but haven't really known what to say or what advice I can give. In my recent experience, though, I know that it just helps to know that people are thinking about and praying for you, even if there's nothing tangible they can do to help (because really, what can they do?).

So, all I can say is hang in there. Do what YOU need to do to keep yourself and your kids healthy. You can't make your W change her mind or heart, and that lack of control can be really scary. But, you can control what you do for yourself and how you approach the situation.

Keep calm and carry on.
IWantLove is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 05:32 PM   #57 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 411
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

Iwantlove and all others - yeah, you are right. Sometimes it is nice to know that there is somewhere to just open up. Not that anyone really has an answer, but just an I'm sorry that happend to you is comforting. I guess this is probably what should have happened in our marriage?

As you can see, I have been doing like so many others, using this thread as a sounding board for what happens to this crazy mixed up thing called divorce that is happening to me. I apologize to all of you if I ramble on, sometimes maybe incoherently, but oh, well. We are all in the same boat, arent' we?
no1.daddy2kids is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 06:00 PM   #58 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 1,646
Default Re: My wife filed... Dazed and confused

No apologies are necessary. Just know that people are pulling for you.
__________________
"Don't think less of yourself, think of yourself less" ....C.S. Lewis
Feelingalone is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-17-2009, 10:18 PM   #59 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 58
Default Re: the latest

Quote:
Originally Posted by no1.daddy2kids View Post
Maybe I should write a book, half comedy and half what not do do in a relationship. Its like a soap opera!

I hope I haven't painted too negative a picture only of W, as I am not sinless in this situation either.

Single men can't be trusted... right?
1. Writing a book is a great idea. You should do it. Your life experience would be a great love-comedy. Although, I don't mean to make a mockery out of it. I think it would be a great way to channel your energy. If I was you I'd start from where you met and go through time...

2. You haven't painted a negative picture of your wife. You're suprisingly neutral and can address your own wrongs, very good! I am just not fond of the OM! Hence the need to blow him away. Although, I know I shouldn't judge.

3. Single men can be trusted. My significant other, is the example of this. Self-control comes from a spiritually strong individual, this is my s/o. If he can do it, anyone can.

4. IWL/IWantLove your post was excellent and so eloquently said. I agree.

,
A

P.S. Have you all read Niffenneger's; "The Time Traveller's Wife"? It's in the thatres now and I saw it. I liked it, I hope I'm not straying (but, I am), but it was a wonderful movie. Y'all should see it- it's a love story

Last edited by Airee; 08-17-2009 at 10:20 PM. Reason: corrected challenge->channel
Airee is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-18-2009, 07:02 AM   #60 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 411
Default Birthday

Any thoughts on her upcoming birthday? Her birthday is the same day her dad died of cancer 2 years ago, which puts a damper on things. The kids want to do something fun for her, 7yr old making a few things. Her mom is coming to take her out to lunch. OM is surely taking her out to dinner, other reason why mom is coming (I work nights, so I won't even be around). I hate the thought of not doing anything. However, the whole situation leaves me pretty angry.

I could use some help here. I just don't know how to do this one. part of me is so angry because of the OM that I don't want to do anything. Not only that, she will probably throw anything I do away. BUT, she is my wife. I love her even through this.
no1.daddy2kids is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dazed and confused. Baseballmom6 Coping with Infidelity 13 09-03-2012 05:48 PM
dazed n confused frustratednconfused The Ladies' Lounge 2 01-31-2012 01:48 AM
Dazed and Confused Melicaraven The Ladies' Lounge 7 12-02-2011 05:31 PM
Dazed and confused SUZIWORD The Family & Parenting Forums 2 12-29-2010 08:19 AM
Dazed and confused smokey01 Going Through Divorce or Separation 1 11-19-2010 02:47 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:57 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.