Confused...what is he really thinking?
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Confused...what is he really thinking?

Hello all-

I'll try to make this as short as possible with as much detail as necessary because I really could use some sound advice. H and I have been together almost 10 years. Things were rocky in the beginning before marriage but we still went through with things. After marriage, all of the things that had been an issue before intensified.

I know that I'm wrong for this but I did it and H found out. I met a guy online (never face-to-face meeting) but spent lots of time emailing and talking on the phone over two months. Not to make excuses but his actions (mainly lying) left me frustrated and so I sought an outlet in another man...I know, not cool. H found out because I had bought another cell phone and he found that receipt. It must have been in the cards for him to find out. He immediately got a storage unit and moved some things out of the house. Two months later, as I was at work, he moved the remainder of his things out of the house. I've since broken off communication with my guy friend.

Here we are almost a month after his move and he's brought clothes back to the house but nothing else. Says he doesn't want to bring things back because he's not ready to be "all in" and needs time to get "his head back in the game." He says divorce is off the table but he's still angry about my behavior.

Am I holding on to false hope that he'll be back 100%? I understand the pain of infidelity because he's done it to me. The issues that existed before and even during our marriage are serious issues, but at this point, I'm not focused on them. I really want to work through those and build a solid relationship, but of course I can't build a solid relationship alone. I just need advice or opinions on what really is going on in head. I would hate to be used at this point or mislead but I feel that is exactly what's happening. I'm not minimizing my inappropriate relationship with the OM, but I also don't think my indiscretion equals all of his.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused...what is he really thinking?

well, he obviously has trust issues with you, they are not gonna get fixed over night or even sooner than later. Can he come back 100? sure, that's about as much as what you do, then what he does thou. You both might need some marriage counseling to get past this as neither of you have the tools to really deal with it and why it happened in the first place.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused...what is he really thinking?

it can take 2-5 years to get over this. he will never trust you 100% again and rightfully so. the fact you went as far as to buy another cell phone proves you put a ton of time and effort into this. your H will now question every time in the past you went out if you were cheating. going to be a LONG LONG road if it works out and YOU have to do ALL the HEAVY LIFTING.

so why do you want to save the marriage now? you were willing to throw it away for a online fling? why the change of heart? your husband didnt change overnight? are you just afraid to be alone?
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused...what is he really thinking?

Our issues before and during message were deep. Lots of lying and deceit on his end to the point of I never knew what to believe or when the next shoe was going to drop about BIG things. I'm not just talking he disappeared for a few hours, I mean "I don't know that woman at all" but turns out she's got a kid and he could possible be the father - this was one of those BIG things that I found out about. These types of things left me confused and hurt with no one to talk to. I made the choice to talk to the OM, no excuses, but that's how I handled years of these types of big things.

He had run-ins with other women that I found out about. My response of online flirting was indeed not the way to handle it but sometimes we make bad decisions when we've had it up to our eyeballs with things. It's not that I was willing to throw my marriage away, the chatting and phone conversations were interesting, intriguing and most often beyond flirting. Never meant to leave H for the OM or anything like that. I think H being hurt is justified but he also admits that his actions may have driven me to that point. I honestly don't and will probably never trust him 100% either so we both have that problem. He also knows that there will be heavy lifting on his part as well because his deceit trumps mine for sure.

I want to save my marriage because I do love my H, I just know that we both have serious issues to work through so we can get to a point of having a reasonable level of trust with one another.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused...what is he really thinking?

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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
well, he obviously has trust issues with you, they are not gonna get fixed over night or even sooner than later. Can he come back 100? sure, that's about as much as what you do, then what he does thou. You both might need some marriage counseling to get past this as neither of you have the tools to really deal with it and why it happened in the first place.
I totally understand the trust issues because I've had to work through mine for him for much of our relationship. The difference was I never left - I always toughed it out. I understand people handle things differently. I've suggested marriage counseling - even before my situation - because of some of the things that were going on from his side of it. His response was always "if we can't talk about it, we don't need to bring anyone else in." I disagree. I feel that sometimes you need that unbiased party to help understand each other because unfortunately, we don't always listen and hear what our spouses are saying.

Though it's been a rocky road, I do hope to salvage and build a strong relationship. I love H in spite of all of our troubles.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused...what is he really thinking?

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Originally Posted by terrence4159 View Post
your H will now question every time in the past you went out if you were cheating.
Rarely ever went out without him because he's had insecurity issues from day one. Never cheated on him either - this online thing was the first and only time I've had contact with another guy while dating or married.
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