I'm feeling stronger tonight.
J asked me to lunch. I asked him how the last few days alone felt. He said he missed me. That is the 1st time since the separation that he's said that without me asking first. He also said for the 1st time he let himself feel lonely. He did a lot of resentment work and said he's ready to share it in therapy on Tues. I asked him if he's still angry with me and he said no. He said that he's mad at himself more than anything. And when I told him that I wish he's forgive himself and I love him. He said he feels unlovable.
I talked to him more about how I feel he needs to decide whether he wants to commit to a life with me or commit to a life without me. He says he's scared to make a decision because he has no faith in his abilities. And that he fears he's inadequate. I can't help him feel better about himself. I told him that I can't live another 6 months in limbo. He understands and says I deserve so much better.
He wants to read Chapman's, The Five Love Languagesafter I read the section on love is a choice. He seemed receptive. He actually cried a lot in front on me today. So, he's feeling again. Tuesday, during our session, I hope we can discuss how love is a choice.
Thanks K and CW. I do think today was progress. He's taking antidepressant medication and seeing his own therapist, as well. He's always had a "not good enough" complex. But I do see changes in him since he moved out.
He sent me a text earlier to let me know he started reading the book. Made me smile. But I know I need not jump ahead of myself. I just need to stay strong.
Is it not weird how one day you feel like you can conquer anything and the next day, you feel like putty?
Today, I am depressed. I never got dressed and have been in a xanax slumber off and on, after a panic attack at 7 am this morning.
I sent him an email when I couldn't sleep. I told him that I wasn't pressuring him to make a decision. I just fear that this limbo is a detriment to my self-growth. I have much more to lose if he decides against re-commitment. I do have a choice but not two choices, as he does. It only takes one of us to say no more.
He responded, "The decision is weighing on me too. It want to honor both of us through this decision, and make sure that whatever path is chosen is the path that will serve us both in the long term. My fears are both valid and smokescreens. I know this and am grappling with differentiating one from the other. The problem is exacerbated by my distrust of my own logical and emotional feelings. I really do go from one feeling to another quickly now, and it confuses me. Like yesterday, I went from a mild panic attack to feeling nearly overwhelming sadness, then the feelings of strong dislike and distrust of myself that I expressed. I too want to end the anguish. this is most difficult time for both of us.
I am enjoying the book, I think it makes alot of sense the way people express and expect or need to be expressed in return. I am looking forward to reading more through the book and understanding how to express the languages that do not come "naturally."
So now, he wants to discuss a timeline with our therapist tomorrow. What do you guys think about all this?
I'm scared K. I'm scared that the other shoe will drop and I'll be left alone to start over, again. If he decides not to come home, I will have to move, find a job, and leave everything I love. Why? Because I could never afford this mortgage payment. I lost my job and the unemployment rate in this area is close to 20%. Because we aren't married, I am not owed anything. Just now that I am feeling better psychologically, I am terrified of another breakdown. So I think my pressure is my way of attempting to gain some control. I know it's wrong. I just don't how long is long enough to hold onto hope, you know? I'm so scared that I'm only a crutch to him.
Maybe I'm self-sabotaging?
"It is not about not wanting us as it is my fears and misgivings about myself and commitment." when I read that I want to believe it's his truth and not take it personally. I want to respect his need to be sure. But I don't want to be a desperate fool either.
How do I balance my fears, trust, and self-preservation?
Timelines are a very bad idea. The put pressure on the people to behave a certain way at a certain time. I don't mind broad timelines...if the relationship doesn't come to restoration by a year (for instance).
I agree with knortoh...I read in your posts "pressure." Maybe it's meant in a noncomfrontational way. However, when you ask "when" and "if" it adds to pressure. I would say skip the relationship talk unless it's in the counseling session for now.
The more you move toward him the more he will back away.
My gut is conflicted which is why I panic. I'm always been very intuitive-based.
He sent me a text and asked if he could come over after work. Against my better judgment I said yes. We usually do not see each other during the week unless we have a mutual meeting or social engagement. But I did want to acknowledge my pressure and apologize. He said he felt lost today and had a hard time concentrating on work. I empathized but didn't offer much conversation. If he wanted to come over, I wanted to hear his thoughts. After about 20 min. of hem and hawing over I don't want I want or what I'm capable of, I told him no choice had to be made tonight and we could talk more at therapy tomorrow. He just sat there. I said, " you can leave. I'm fine." He proceeded to tell me how he didn't know if he wanted to leave- went back and forth and proceeded to tell me that he thought I didn't want him to go. And he didn't want to hurt my feelings.
I said, "you didn't ask me what I wanted. You went on and on about you. I would like for you to leave." He looked stunned and asked why. I was honest- " I don't feel any better with you here. Go to your apt. and be with yourself. It seems to be what you need to focus on right now."
He hugged me goodbye, as usual. And I didn't stand outside to watch him leave, for the first time.
You ladies are right. No more pressure. No timeline. No more focus solely on him. I'm done. I refuse to be a victim. I will grieve and allow myself to feel. But I will no longer grovel, even if it's subconscious.
** I should mention that my educational and work background is in mental health. Sometimes we are the worst patients.
yes the minute you stope being 'reactive' you begin to get power...
you are sounding so much clearer -
until he can say with all his heart, mind and everything else
THIS IS WHERE I WANT TO BE
it is best for him to stay away
as I learnt painfully if they come back for comfort or because they have a 'bad day' it just ends badly - another saying I like
is 'The only person you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself...."
Wow, I am have never felt so exhausted and empowered at the same time, in my life!
Things came to a head during therapy today. We discussed our trip to DC. We discussed J's need to hold onto his resentment. And I was finally validated! The therapist agrees that he is blaming me for an entire life of feeling inadequate. She said that if he chooses not to let go that couples' therapy will do nothing to help us move forward. She also reinforced the idea that he needs to make a choice soon whether or not he wants me in his life romantically. Why soon? Because it's not fair to me to keep stringing me along just satisfy his own needs.
I didn't cry for the first time in therapy. I got angry! I said that I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be someone he "hangs out" with because he is too scared to be alone. I am worth more than the constant blaming for his low self esteem and I will no longer be satisfied with being his scapegoat. It felt great!
I have not allowed myself to show anger in fear he would withdraw. But I can't be responsibility for his feelings or lack of feelings any longer. So in the car, I finally let is all flow. I exhaled. I told him that I support his healing and recovery but will no longer be the casualty. Our next appt. is on Monday and we agreed a choice would be made then. When asked if he wanted no contact to help him do the needed work, he said no. I said okay and I hope he has a good day.
Tomorrow, I may grieve. But for right now, I will enjoy feeling this self-love and empowerment. This is no ultimatum. This is not pressure. We are at an impasse and the old me would let it linger for how ever long he wants. No more. It's time to put up or shut up. And to have our therapist reinforce my thoughts and feelings helped me realize that I can trust myself again.