D8zed, yes he does. That was one of the subjects discussed today. He has never allowed himself to voice his needs and wants. Because of that he sought relationships that were controlling and his ex-wife was emotionally abusive. During the last year or so, he was triggered by my actions and began feeling the unresolved anger. And he has transferred all the anger, resentment, insecurity, inadequacies onto me. Not that I am blameless. But I'm not to blame for 30-something years of choices. He's finally acknowledged that fact.
Until the resentment can be resolved, no matter who's in the relationship with him, it will continue being an issue. No one expects total forgiveness. It is a process but recognition is the first step.
"never voice his needs and wants" - This is an interesting statement because I believe this is a typical behavior of "nice guys". CW has referred to her H as a "nice guy".
What's interesting about that term is that "nice guys" are not truly nice guys because we (and yes, I consider myself one) manipulate situations and people to get the result we desire. Why? Because we don't want to hurt people or they may not like us so we avoid confrontations. Sounds noble but it isn't. It's due to lack of self-esteem and self-worth.
This is why some husbands are not able to truly express what they want and keep stringing their spouses along.
You are right d8zed! J was raised in a home where no one spoke about anger, sadness, discord, etc. Just smile or pray. His father was passive and emotionally withdrawn. He has feared he would become his father. He did but it was by choice. When you are passive, you choose a dominant mate. When you feel unworthy, you often choose an abuser or one who builds you up with positivity. And when I say choose, I am speaking subconsciously. J has always chosen doomed relationships to repeat a pattern- damaging but comfortable. When he met me, he found a dominant, out-spoken, positive person that only asked for one thing-honesty. Honesty is hard for a "nice guy" as you said. And when he failed to be honest, his self-worth lessened more. But I had no idea of this, at the time. He chose behaviors to support his pattern and so did I. I'm a rescuer/fixer. My ex-husband told me that he was a better man after years with me and I could go into business prepping men for being a good husband. *lol*
When I feel into severe depression over a year ago, I became immerse in negativity and gloom. I could no longer uphold our relationship or help him "feel good" anymore. And he couldn't take care of me because everything he does feels inadequate. It was a vicious cycle. So when something snapped and no longer wanted to be a "nice guy," all his built anger and resentment was unleashed onto me. He is now finally understanding his part of this mess of a puzzle. He's understanding that this victim status is not serving him. And I won't help be a victim any longer by accepting all the blame.
these guys (people) are fine when everything is fine - it is when they have to say NO that the problems start and fester because they can't express themselves...and even that makes them feel inadequate and yes they are drawn to articulate clear people -
light people who know what they want out of life....
I am certain that this is what has happened with my H -
He never told me when he was unhappy and so I assumed (incorrectly) that he was cool....
In a span of two years- my father was diagnosed with cancer, I left Florida and moved home to help him with chemo/radiation, started a demanding job, J's father received a kidney transplant, we bought a house, he changed jobs, and I lost my job. When the dust settled, I fell apart and became severely depressed. I can take responsibility for my part. But there has to be some recognition of all the stressors that created the environment for my illness. So I became not-so-nice because for once I needed him to take care of me and he couldn't? Damn right. I admit it. I'm just glad he's now admitting that I'm no villain and I didn't create the "nice guy syndrome." I played a part in the breakdown, yes. I am imperfect. I have flaws. I have my own syndromes, as well. But part of letting go of resentments is owning your role, as well. Some people just aren't ready to look at themselves that closely yet. Sometimes they don't until it's too late.
Wren - any relationship would be under strain in those circumstances....life is tough sometimes...but it throws these guys ...they can't take the pressure -
all our guys have 'bailed' essentially that is what has happened - rather bail than stick and work it out....
WOW! Wren your H could have been my H. A house where everything is good. Nobody gets too upset or asks the obvious questions. Where NO skills are learned....everything is about being "happy" and having "fun" and being a "good person."
A certain amount of conflict in the household is good. Learning to appropriately deal with conflict is even better. Heck! Like is full of conflict.
Our H's can't help with how they were raised. But, they can't wake up and help themselves now. They feel bad and can choose to do something about it.
FA: I can tell you are fiercely loyal...join the club. It's a wonderful trait. I can also tell that you are like me....if you get stabbed in the back don't expect me to stick around!!
My husband is loyal as well. We both take up for each other and won't let anyone else bad mouth the other...during this divorce. He has been faithful and a good man during our marriage. I plan on respecting that...
Now...I can say things about my husband. Nothing mean really just the truth as I see but the moment someone else wants to do that...I will stick up for him.
He probably doesn't say a bad word about your kortoh. My H tells me how wonderful I am, how everyone loves me, blah blah blah.
Loyalty. Yes, we are both very loyal to each other. During all of this turmoil, only our parents have known. We didn't invite anyone else into the mix because we didn't want to focus our energy on defending one another.
We talked on the phone for about 30 min. last night. He said he was drained but knows what the therapist said is true. He said he never thought of his barrier between us as punishment. He only saw it as self-protection. I asked him why he needs protection from me? He sees the difference now.
Before he moved out, I wrote pages and pages of everything I was sorry about and gave it to him. He said he was going to read it again last night in hopes of more forgiveness work. Before bed he sent me a text and said it brought up more feelings.
I want to think he's leaning towards choosing forgiveness and the relationship. But I'm scared to believe. He sees his therapist on Thurs. I always dread those days because in the past he would withdraw. Maybe this time will be different. He is definitely feeling a lot and trying to be emotionally open with me.
Those are the first steps Wren. He might withdrawl after therapy because of his pain and the emotions he has to deal with. That was one of the things that happened to me. It would hurt so bad after discovering something about myself and looking back on how it affected people that it took me a few days to a week to get throught it, etc. Of course it didn't help my situation since my w was looking for instant change. But permanent change doesn't happen overnight. Takes time. Again unfortunate for me since she kept moving away.
Here he is reconnecting. Take this as a big positive.