karajh

About 2 weeks ago my husband and I went on a date and had a really good time. He had told me about a month before that we were getting divorced at the end of the year.

We are talking more now and I have not really said anything about our relationship or getting back together...

When do you guys think a good time would be to casually mention something about our future or should I wait on him to do it?

THANKS!

Corpuswife

My advice is to not let him swing back into the marriage without some sort of commitment. He may want sex or comfort at this point. It's a fine line but sometimes they want an intact marriage and no reconciliation. There are differences between intactness and reconciliation in marriage. When a spouse wants an intact marriage they are coming back because of reasons that won't hold the marriage together long term (lonely, kids, financial reasons). When a person wants to reconcile...the issues that they left are resolved (affairs, grass is greener, etc) and they recognize the part that they played in the relationship breakdown. They are also ready to work on the relationship.

Before I dated him, I would want to find out his motivation. Of course, that will take communication. Good luck.

preso

I advise not to think your getting along is a sign of getting back together or any desire to.... he could just be being pleasent for other reasons.

I'd not go on dates with him until AFTER things are settled with the divorce. You could end up getting a bad surprise if you do.

believer

I found it interesting your choice of words above - that your husband "told you" you were getting divorced at the end of the year. maybe I read into this too much - but it strikes me that this decision should be discussed and not be a 1 sided decision. If he is indeed in that mindset - it may be difficult to convince otherwise.

But if my husband just told me we were getting divorced & when & didn't want to try to work things out before the announcement - I would be very disappointed & hurt. I would wonder what his marriage meant to him in the 1st place if he isn't willing to at least try to work things out before just throwing in the towel. Why did he choose the end of the year- hum. . . is there another woman? or just an abritrary date??

I am not sure of your past - if you have already tried to work it out or if this was the 1st indication to you that there was a problem??

But I would be a bit leary of his motives. On the other hand, now that he has said his peace - maybe he feels relieved??

I would keep the communication open & see where it leads. However, due to his original approach ( "telling you" about the divorce)- which really turned me off - I would proceed with caution. As much I would like to tell you to be hopeful & stay positive. You need to protect yourself & try to see what is really going on here.
I too found that my husband I communicated much more after our many heart to hearts after my discovery of his affair. But in the end, the improved communication couldn't save us, as his lies continued to get in the way. (that's another story) .

best wishes

karajh

[QUOTE=believer;81819]I found it interesting your choice of words above - that your husband "told you" you were getting divorced at the end of the year.

I should have worded this better. It is a long drawn out conversation on how the divorce topic came to be and I was as much a part of it as he was. I have almost been pushing it in some ways. The end of the year was so that I could get my insurance straight for myself.

No affair.. I can't go into all the details on why I know that there is not another woman.. their just is not.

We are trying to work through things.. he is just so awful at communication with me these days. It was not always this way, but has gotten to be this way. It was never wonderful however.
The man is going through some type of emotional crisis and I am not sure how to help him at this point. I am just hanging in there, I really don't believe that he really wants to divorce, I think that is partially my fault since I was the one to bring it up. I am taking care of me and my children (which are not his children). I am a very strong woman and know what I want out of life and I am being VERY careful with the whole situation. Thanks for the advice!

believer

thanks for some of the clarification above - I am happy that you were not told you were getting a divorce.
you mentioned your husband is going thru some type of crisis? has he opened up to you about this at all? what makes you think this? If this is the case, do you think it is the best time to be making life altering decisions about your future.
What have you done to try to improve things within your marriage? Is communication the only big sticking point? If there is limited communication - then there are probably other underlying issues at work here as well.
Maybe you can consider some maritial counseling to help open the lines of communication & figure out if there are deeper issues at play.
I completely understand wanting to be prepared ( ie. insurance, etc) before you take any action. I think it is good to have some type of time frame in mind that you are working with but I would keep any type of time lines somewhat flexible.
Due to the magnitiude of this decision, neither you nor your husband should feel pressured to make a decision that one of you is not quite ready to make just because the end of the year ( your deadline) has arrived.
Maybe you are the one a little unclear of how you would like this to turn out? After your above clarification, it sounds like you were more the one bringing up the "D" word. But now that you & your husband are "getting along better" on your recent date - you are beginning to doubt?
The doubting, "what if I am not making the right decision" stage is common & completely natural. (Hey I have been in that mode for 3+ yrs now) & unable to feel comfortable with letting go.
I guess I would recommend, giving yourself time. Seeking help to work on communication issues & see where it takes you.
My belief is all of us should exhaust all our options before divorce is considered.
Hope things get better for you!!