Grieving the loss of a marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2009, 12:34 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Grieving the loss of a marriage

Want to find out if anyone else out there is having a hard time with stage? I am seperated & on the verge of divorce & have had a really hard time coming to the realization that I won't be "married happily ever after". It is frustrating to think that I don't have control of this & this is NOT what I had planned for my life or for my children.

for a long time I felt guilty for having to make the decision to physically break my family apart with a seperation & now the impending divorce. Although it was my husband who was unfaithful & ultimately caused the demise of our marriage by his action. ( I know I am not competely innocent in the demise but his action(s) were the deal breakers) I think he would have been content to live his "married" life & continue to see his mistress if I allowed it.
But now , here I am, stuck with the difficult decision to take action & not allow this to continue. From what I can gather from his past actions, he is going to do what makes him happy, regardless of the consequences to others. So he has left me no other option but to end the marriage. Out of self respect & because he was not going to make the right choice for me or our children- I am forced to end this unhealthy relationship. . It sucks . . .. but somehow know it will work out in the end.

I have to admit that by me making the decision now to get out of this marriage, I feel a little more in control of the situation. I think back to when this all started & if he had left me at the time for the OW, I would have been absolutely devistated (sp?). It was a very rough time and at the time thought he was being sincere, in saying that he would end it & stay with me. I was spekical but ever so releived for a bit.

It took me lots of time & counseling session to realize that I can't make him want to stay. It has to be his decision. I kept thinking to myself if I just worked out alittle bit more, if I didn't argue with him, etc. then he would be happy & stay. I was always so concerned about "keeping him" that I would say or do anything to not have him run into the OW's arms.

As part of my grieving process I am looking toward the future alittle bit. I wonder - will I find love again? have no clue about the dating world - think I am better off finding something I enjoy & getting involved this was as a very informal social outlet.
The future is very uncertain for me right now but guess I can look at it positively & hope for the best.
I have to believe that things happen for a reason - althou I have no idea what those reasons are right now. Hopefully down the road I will understand it all.

please share your comments about grieving the loss of your marraige & how you got through it.
Look forward to hearing everyones experiences. . .

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2009, 03:37 AM
Join Date: Jun 2009
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Re: Grieving the loss of a marriage

Am sorry to hear about the changes happening in your marriage. I think grieving happens when any deeply desired expectation in a partnership isn't met.

I think you were wise to end it. Many spouses will play passive aggressive. They have an affair but don't want to be accused of being the "ender".

You are being forced to be the "ender" although you wanted to keep your marriage; you just can't be a doormat and nor should you be. You did the right thing.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2009, 09:05 AM
Join Date: Jul 2009
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Re: Grieving the loss of a marriage

This is a great post. You captured a lot of the same feelings I have and have had in the past regarding my first marriage.

All I can tell you is that it does get better with time. I really did feel the same as you about the end of my first marriage. It was very difficult at times but it did get better.
Actually, DH #2 (my current issue why I'm on this board) helped a lot with DH #1.
(Good lord, this is my life? DH #1 and DH #2? WTF happened to me?)

Moving on: #2 helped me to learn to be assertive with #1. But I think when he did that he kind of got used to telling me what to say and what not to say. Because NOW (years later) he still wants to tell me what to say to my ex and I think I am at a point where I can be trusted to say what I think and have it be appropriate.

Point is: Things get better with time. All of this is hard but you will survive it and probably thrive.

Good luck to you.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2009, 12:45 PM
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Re: Grieving the loss of a marriage

I read all these posts and it reminds me very much of where I was less than a year ago. I was the one getting dumped and it felt like it was something I would never recover from. It’s amazing how much we beat ourselves up, usually after WE were the ones getting dumped on to begin with. I ended up going to a life coach, because it seemed the breakup was spilling over into every avenue of my life and I had no idea how to move on and move up. Part of me didn’t even want to. But, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. She taught me how to heal, move on, and (probably most importantly…) how to seek out people who were not just good for me – but great for me. I guess I did find I had some insecurities and things from the past that I had hung on to which put me in a stuck place with no idea how to grow past the pain of being dumped. I now have an awesome person in my life who doesn’t MAKE me who I am, but compliments my life and it feels great! I guess I would encourage you to find someone, whether it’s a close friend, life coach, mentor, etc., who can help you walk on in your life and make good decisions so you can get the most out of the short time we all have here. Good luck to you!!
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-26-2009, 01:57 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
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Re: Grieving the loss of a marriage

Ugh! I'm so jealous of you, Angie. It seems like I keep attracting people into my life that are wrong for me. I want somebody that compliments my life and doesn't make me who I am. But I think there's something about ME that's stopping me from doing that and I don't even know what it is.

Maybe I do need a life coach.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-27-2009, 12:29 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 163
Re: Grieving the loss of a marriage

Thanks Sandy for your words of encouragement - I think I am making the right decision as hard as it will be. It is a decision long time coming but finally I am ready to move on - wish me luck.

Angie that is great that you were able to indentify with the help of our coach things about yourself & learn from your experience so that you don't go down the same path again. I think if we don't recognize the pattern, if we don't identify what happened in our relationship & keep doing what we were doing there is a good chance history will repeat itself.

We have an OPPORTUNITY here - we have to look at our current lilfe situation ( whether it is divorce or seperation) & really take stock of our lives. Look at how we may have contributed to the current situation & figure out concrete plans to change the cycle.
I know I have learned a great deal about myself & how I will do things the 2nd time around, if given the opportunity.
Some of my biggest lessons throught this all have been:
** once in a relationship - continue to "date" & work on couple & not just caught up on life & kids
** find time for yourself - this is one part of the seperation that I am currently enjoying. being able to do what I want to do & not deferring to my husband for his thoughts - making decsions for myself.
** communication - if something is bothering me, I need to voice it & get it off my chest. not let it fester otherwise I just get resentful.
** Ask for help when needed - I tried to do it all in our marriage (be the perfect mother, wife, employee & in the end there was nothing left for me

So I am going to try to look at the positives that have come from this unfortunate detour in my life. But I do feel that I can move forward & take all the above mentioned items & many more into the next chapter of my life. And I hope we all can benefit from taking a good honest look at what happened in the past & taking steps to prevent it reoccuring in the future.

So to hell with grieving - guess I should be celebrating - right???
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-30-2009, 10:12 AM
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Re: Grieving the loss of a marriage

Best of luck to you. I admire your sense of self worth and being the one to end it. That was certainly the thing to do, given the circumtance. I did almost the exact same scenario just weeks ago in my longtime relationship, and for the same reasons.

Here is an article I found very helpful in getting through the stages of coming to grips with, and overcoming the pain of losing someone you love.

End of a Relationship - Recovering from a broken heart

Take pride in the fact that you stood up for youself. I see ending a bad relationship, youself, as being easier to accept than if you had tolerated his affair, and allowed him to make the decision to leave you. Keep your chin up. Life goes on, and better things wait you............and hopefully, me, too. LOL
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