Love Must be Tough and Time

Corpuswife · 08-28-2009, 02:29 PM

I posted on another thread under the considering divorce/separation called Love Must be Tough. I've been married 24 years (no affairs/abuse).

I've been doing LMBT for about 2 months. It was my last resort after trying everything. We only have contact over mutual business.

My H and I have been separated for 6 weeks. I've been up and down like anyone has going through a situation like this. Most people that know me commend me how strong I am. Sometimes, I feel strong.

I understand that every relationship is different with many facets. I also understand that there are no time tables. In my MIND I understand all of that.

Compared to some posters, 6 weeks separated is nothing. However, my nightmare began in Oct. 08 when my H said "I am no longer in love with you, but I love you."

I am exhausted. My H is a man that doesn't communicate well (emotions) and doesn't like conflict. A people pleaser. He was 100% sure he wanted a divorce a few weeks before separation. I brought up separation and he agreed as we "hadn't thought of it before." Maybe he did this to appease me, my people-pleasing husband?

Now, I am thinking I should ask to meet and tell him goodbye for good. I don't really want to do this as I want to save my marriage for many reasons. I love him and he's a good man. We get along good together and work as a team. I've known him since I was 14. I believe religiously in the vows of marriage. I don't want to be alone (fear based) for the rest of my life.

However, I don't want to wait around for him to "come to." I am afraid his "come to" will mean divorce anyway and that will be wasted time/grief. I hate this.

I feel sad today as I saw him when he dropped off our D's things before he headed out of town. He was real quick (in a hurry).

How long do I wait? When do you know to call it quits?

Feelingalone · 08-28-2009, 02:38 PM

C,

Only you will know the answer to that question. I suppose when you have emotion left. I was watching the movie Sex and the City a few days ago. If you've seen it than you know the lawyer character and her husband seperated after discovery of his affair (know that isn't an issue here). She wouldn't speak with him, etc. After six months she was talking with Carrie and said she might reconcile with him but was thinking about it. Carrie says yes you will, argue both sides of it to yourself. But in the end it is just emotion that tell you yes or no basically. So I guess only you can answer that.

You are strong. But I think it is too soon yet to meet. You know I understand how hard it is, but keep the faith.

Corpuswife · 08-28-2009, 03:06 PM

I know. I am tired of my emotions. I am tired of feeling this topsy turvey marriage thing. I've never been overly emotional and really use my head in most situations.

I know that I am doing all of the RIGHT things. I am working on myself. I am exercising. I am getting support from friends and family. I am volunteering and giving to others. I am reaching out to meet new people. I pray. These are all of the things that I can control.

I'll give it another month or so and see how things are going. I am not sure I can stand this stagnate relationship stuff.

wren · 08-28-2009, 03:28 PM

I feel for you and totally understand. Living in limbo is pure hell- the not knowing can drive one insane.

voivod · 08-28-2009, 03:35 PM

i think you know me. my answer is:

never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up.

time, patience.

1nurse · 08-28-2009, 03:39 PM

First of all I just want to say ((HUGS)) to you. The ending of a relationship or marriage is never easy regardless of the circumstances. Especially when you have put out a lot of time effort and given your heart and soul to a person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. Your separation is still very new. Going on 10 months for me. Your questions and reflection of the situation are all very normal and understandable. You have a god given right to be fully appreciated, loved and feel secure in a committed relationship with a partner. Right now he doesn't want to give you that or isn't capable of giving you that. But guess who is , YOU ARE!! Take good care of yourself. You'll be with you the rest of your life regardless of who comes and goes. Sometimes I entertain fantasies of my ex coming back telling me how sorry he is and that he made the biggest mistake of his life leaving me. Well, he chose it too bad. I know I can't go back to him and the co-dependency that was our marriage. But who the heck knows what the future holds? None of us do. For NOW get dressed, go to work, take pleasure in any hobbies you have or see a funny movie. Laughing is good for you. I'm a firm believer in what happens happens for a reason. I know it seems like life might be over but this could be a good thing for you now. You just don't see it yet. As one woman whose been through hell and back I know. Brighter days are ahead. Hold your chin up honey.

Corpuswife · 08-28-2009, 03:56 PM

You guys are great!

Wren: Wonderful and truthful quote.

Voivod: HA! You are the poster child for sticking it out!

1Nurse: Thanks for your insight. I am taking good care of myself. My heart just feels weak right now.