Wife won`t come home - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-15-2009, 12:40 PM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,278
Re: Wife won`t come home

Why do you think she started sleeping on the sofa? It sounds as though she loves you, but perhaps did not feel loved, appreciated in return. She may feel 'spent' in the marriage.

swedish is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-17-2009, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 31
Re: Wife won`t come home

Swedish you may be right.what can i do to show her that i do appreciate her.i don`t want to make the wrong decision and push away further.
RP2804 is offline  
post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-17-2009, 11:30 AM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,278
Re: Wife won`t come home

Whatever caused her to start shutting down, pulling away from you, sleeping on the sofa was likely building up over time. Telling her to get out re-inforced what she likely was thinking...he doesn't love me...this isn't working...why doesn't he seem to care....then 'get out' just re-inforced that for her.
She may see changes in you, but if she feels broken, it is very scary to risk going back and worry that you will eventually fall back into the old patterns. She is likely extremely hurt that your reaction was the opposite of what she had hoped. It is sometimes easy to begin to talk yourself into thinking, geez she knows I didn't mean it...I get like that when I'm angry, etc. but it's really the worst thing to do because it is excusing yourself from changing bad traits.

It is great to realize your own faults and to work on improving yourself. This doesn't always lead a spouse to say 'yippie he's changed, I'll run back to him now!' One side of thinking is that I love him and am glad he is doing things to improve himself, but is this just a quick fix to get me back? Is this just so he can get his life back to normal, the way it was? Those fears are real and are coupled with the fear that the changes are temporary or self-serving. At this point, I'd say things are headed in the right direction but far from being resolved.

The next phase is what will make it or break it. Why the changes? Can you see that you've broken her spirit? Does it make you feel horrible? Are you focused on your own pain so much that you cannot see how she must be feeling? Once at this point, you feel you want your spouse's happiness, whether it's with or without you...it is not always easy to arrive to this point, but I believe it is the changing point. Sometimes, it is too little to late, but worth the risk because you will become a better person either way it goes. At this point, it isn't what you want, but a true desire to give her what she wants. Are you worthy of her at this point? What would you write in a letter to her that shows her you 'get it'...that it's not just what you want to happen, but that you genuinely love this woman...what do you want for her?
swedish is offline  
 
post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-17-2009, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 31
Re: Wife won`t come home

What you are saying makes a lot of sense because when she started sleeping on the sofa it obviously upset me and made me not feel the same toward her.i think this made her feel unloved and unappreciated.i miss her terribly since she left.i wish i could back up and start over, but that`s the way things turned out and i can`t take back what i said.i know she resents me very much for it right now.i just don`t know what to do next.my world is crumbling around me.i`m very very sad,to the point i was even contemplating suicide.
RP2804 is offline  
post #20 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-18-2009, 10:43 AM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,278
Re: Wife won`t come home

If you are feeling suicidal, talk to a professional. I have been there and it's not something to mess with on your own as your mind has a way of convincing you that it makes sense, but in time you find it made no sense to think that way...do what you need to so that you are still here to have that time to think back

It struck me as odd that you told her to 'get out'...I can't imagine my husband ever telling me to get out of our home. It would make me feel that deep down, I am just another peice of furniture that he can toss when he doesn't like it anymore vs. someone that he loves and respects.

I know you can't take it back, and she has forgiven the comment, but you can think about why you felt it was appropriate to say that to your wife, who should feel just as secure in her home as you are.
swedish is offline  
post #21 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-20-2009, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 31
Re: Wife won`t come home

The comment was made out of anger and it just came out.i would never in my wildest dreams think that she like a piece of furniture that i could just toss away.she is irreplaceable and i messed up when i let that come out. She will probably never speak to me again.i`m only human and i make mistakes.she has been gone 4 months now.i don`t think she will return.all i can do is wait and see.
RP2804 is offline  
post #22 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-24-2009, 05:32 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 31
Re: Wife won`t come home

I talked to my wife sunday and i ask her if she had been thinking about leaving before all of this took place and she said yes.i ask her why and she said that she wasn`t happy.could this be a sign of a midlife crisis?
RP2804 is offline  
post #23 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-24-2009, 08:18 AM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,278
Re: Wife won`t come home

I think it's more of a sign that she was feeling unloved and unappreciated for some time within the marriage. I am not surprised she said 'yes' as sleeping on the sofa was a pretty clear indicator.

I think of midlife crisis as more of a selfish feeling...that a person feels they have done things for family for many years and now want to do things for themself...often leaving the family in the dust with no or little remorse.

Your wife, from what you've said so far, does not seem to fit this...she still says she loves you, she's not run off on her own or with another man, she's at her dad's house. I really think she has just not felt loved, appreciated in the marriage and feels that the only way to be happy is to leave because she cannot make you love her & treat her like a queen

I think what you do have going for you is that you can make changes and at some point if you really can let her know how deeply you love her, if you can pinpoint things you've done wrong that may have made her feel otherwise, and really show her you are making an effort to change these things, she may respond.
swedish is offline  
post #24 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-24-2009, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 31
Re: Wife won`t come home

I am working on these things already.she sees it.she still does not call me.(ever) she still pays her part of our bills.i just don`t understand.she says she feels "different" and that she doesn`t hate me.then she turns around and says i love you.it`s driving me crazy. Could anyone out there explain it to me? Please!!!!!!
RP2804 is offline  
post #25 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-30-2009, 03:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 31
Re: Wife won`t come home

Could someone respond please !!!!!!!!!!!

RP2804 is offline  
post #26 of 31 (permalink) Old 10-01-2009, 06:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,361
Re: Wife won`t come home

Hey,

I had a similiar experience with my H when he moved out the first time.

He told me he didn't love me and I asked him to leave.

He didn't really find anywhere to permanent to stay for three months

things were up in the air

one day I heard I haven't loved you for ten years and next day I have always loved you

I was going CRAZY

then I started to move on - I started woking on getting him out of my life -

and he decided he wanted back

unfortunately for me this didn't last ( a couple of months maybe) and now he has left more permanently...


your wife hasn't 'separated'

but she can't have it both ways - you will go crazy

set some boundaries for yourself

she isn't capable of this and if you don't you leave yourself open to being trampled on

I really don't know if my experience is in any the same - but should I have my time over I would never have left my H come back in the way he did

before he'd resolved anything - just ended up with me getting so hurt.

one good bit of advice i got from someone at the time was that you don't have to stop loving ....but you can be firm with them....

good luck

let us know how things are going
knortoh is offline  
post #27 of 31 (permalink) Old 10-02-2009, 07:39 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 31
Re: Wife won`t come home

Thanks very much for the response.i was hoping that many more on this forum could help me.you are right.it`s driving me crazy.
RP2804 is offline  
post #28 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:44 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
Re: Wife won`t come home

i know its been a while since this post, but im curious whatever happened??? I am living this same story now and beyond confused
kootz is offline  
post #29 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:03 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 210
Re: Wife won`t come home

Quote:
Originally Posted by kootz View Post
i know its been a while since this post, but im curious whatever happened??? I am living this same story now and beyond confused

Start your own thread with as many details as possible and you will get help
manwithnoname is offline  
post #30 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:26 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
Re: Wife won`t come home

Man with No Name:

I too would be interested in hearing how those men and women who have had several years to work through infidelity, separation, and/or divorce are fairing? My husband's mistress notified me on Christmas Day that they had been involved in a 2-year affair. After much prayer and on-going therapy, I thought I could muster up the strength to work on my marriage and forgive his transgressions. However, his mistress notified me this month that she is 13-weeks pregnant with his child. I am beyond devastated and not sure what direction my life is taking. I would love to hear from others experiencing similar issues.
Beauty for Ashes is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
wife is back at home InTheBedIMade Reconciliation 3 07-03-2012 01:34 PM
Divorce, Refinancing Home, and First-Time Home Buyer credit Santofimio Going Through Divorce or Separation 3 11-30-2011 01:46 PM
Wife wants to come home for better or for worse Going Through Divorce or Separation 52 07-15-2011 08:48 AM
Is ok to want my wife to be a stay at home mum ? trev The Men's Clubhouse 28 11-17-2010 11:52 AM
Wife is home from vacation JMak00 General Relationship Discussion 15 11-04-2010 11:45 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome