Cabledog1

I'll start with a bit of background. My wife and I have been married almost 7 years. I'm 32 and she is going to be 29 shortly. No kids, we rent a very nice place, don't have a ton of debt. In that time we've gone through the normal hurdles of relationships (a parents death, money issues etc.) The relationship wasn't fantastic- we both had things that we would have improved, but they didn't seem bad enough to go through the possible aggrivation of an argument over them. Silent suffering to keep the other "happy" I guess. But I never had a doubt that I could rely on her.

Fast foward to 5 months ago. I discovered she had an affair. We begin marrige counciling a month later from that. Now it's been a cascade of issues from her that have apparently been happening for years. There have been two emotional infidelities on top of the one physical one. They seemed to be linked to traumatic times in our life. After a couple months of therapy the issues start to come out. The therapist reccomends she goes to individual therapy. From there her issues seem to compound. She has stated she has no direction in life, that she can't even see where she wants to be in 6 months. As best I've been able to, I've tried to help her find direction in the years up to this. I worked my butt off so she could work part time and go back to school. After one year back she lost interest and grades fell.

It's been a lot of her telling me what she thinks I want to hear and then doing another. The week before she asked for a trial seperation, we were talking about having kids, getting another dog, vacation plans etc. Then the next day I get home from work to a letter and all of her stuff gone. That she needed time away from the relationship to clear her head. We had a therapy session that night we both went to and the therapist loosely but down the ground rules for the seperation. We agreed on roughly a month. Talking to the therapist solo, it seemed that both therapists recommended the split because she was too "comfortable" in the relationship- there was no impetus for change for her.

I'm now 15 days into it, and while I desperatly want my wife back, I'm conflicted. Who is the real person? Is it the person I thought she was over the years or is it the person who has surfaced these past few months? Do I look at these issues at manifistations of her deeper problem with direction or do I take the issues seperately?

I'm so ungodly confused and second guessing my entire life. I've just tried to be a good husband and give my wife the opportunities to do what makes her happy, and I get this.

draconis

Who is your wife? Both people, the one silently trying to please you though quiet means so you do not fight and the one that tells you all the nice stuff you want to hear.

The problem is you do not connect through communication with your wife (nor she to you.) You should talk about everything.

The sad fact is most seperations end in a divorce. She has had 2 emotional, and 1 physical affair. Most people who have affairs do it again.

Maybe she felt she could not come to you with her problems, whatever it is you need to find out what the deep down problem is if you do get back together so that it doesn't cause problems again.

draconis

Cabledog1

It's been a rollercoaster. One moment we are taking steps foward, the next she is running away. I haven't been a saint, but when this broke I have been trying to be receptive to repair. I've tried not to barter change for change but to realistically look at myself and see how I contributed to this situation. I'm painfully aware of the statistics. I don't know if the why behind the infidelity is factored into it.

I wish I had been able to know more about the issues she is facing and attempting to deal with before this trial. It feels like the breakthrough on that will allow us to move foward together rather then the way things have been. I know I wish to reconcile, and it truly feels like she does too. There seems to be some issues that prevent it. She has reassured me that I am not the issue, and I am fairly certain she is attemping to use this time to clean out the things holding her from moving foward.

I don't want to end the relationship, but I also don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect, or trust me enough to share their feelings with. Do you ever really know when "enough is enough"?

draconis

If you only have 15 more days left I would say wait it out but don't hold your breath. Some people will use a "break" to get to the next thing. I wish you the best of luck. You know her better then anyone else. I hope that if you do get back together that you will be mor able to communicate better with her.

draconis

believer

I don't things will ever be the same between the 2 of you - which can be a good thing and/or bad.
The good thing is you both can recognize what brought her to the point of cheating & look at the root issues & try to resolve them together.
The bad thing is - now that you know she is capable of cheating even if you choose to forgive, deep in the back of your mind/heart - there may be some lingering doubts. You need to ask yourself if you can forgive & more on? Or will you always fear that an another affair might happen- never be able to fully trust again?