Separated for a year now...
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Old 09-17-2009, 09:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
CJS
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Question Separated for a year now...

I am still in love with my husband as I was 24 yrs ago. He came to me last Sept and told me he was moving out and back to his mothers. He is 52 and I feel in my heart it is mid life crisis. He told me that he had been resposible all his life and he don't want to have to worry about making anyone happy but himself. He said he wants to come and go as he pleases without being afraid of upsetting me. All our married life we never wanted to do anything without the other, and now he has changed and thinks I should have too. I gave him the house and I moved into an apartment. To many memories there for me. I have become very independent and I have recently started back to church and I feel good about myself. BUT...I still love him. I have gone out on a couple of dates and i didn't like it. I was thinking about him most of the time. I told him about it and he didn't like it either. I said you have been bugging me about moving on and I have. He said Yes but I didn't say it was going to be easy! Recently I have decided to stop being there for him everytime he needs me. He was having his cake and eating it too. This is very hard for me to do. I am still his wife and I want to be there for him, but I have prayed about it and I have to leave it alone now and go on my way. The problem is I don't know how. The only reason we are not divorced yet is me needing his health insurance. He told me that if he wanted to be married he would be with me, but he don't want to be married period. His words to me was, I know I am being selfish and I feel I have a right to be now. All he does is watch sports or ride his motorcycle or go to the bars and have a few beers and is usually home by 12:00am to go to bed. He has never been seen with another woman and our youngest son still lives at home, so nobody is brought there.
What really bothers me is we never got a second chance.. He never told me things until after he moved out. There are some things I am willing to change in our marriage, but I will never stop wanting his respect and I always show him respect as well.
Can anyone out there please tell me if you have gone through this and what you did and the outcome. My friends think I am stupid for waiting and sometimes I think my kids do too. They say mom you didn't ask for this, go out and have fun go on dates and do your own thing. I tell them when I said I Do... I meant every word of, till death do us part.
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Old 09-17-2009, 09:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated for a year now...

I know what you are going through...I've been married for 24 years and my husband told me his unhappiness and was basically done. I never got a chance to restore the marriage. It was too late. We've been separated for 2 months and he gave me divorce papers yesterday.

We both love each other...but he is no longer "in love." He doesn't express his feelings and is having trouble dealing with life. He's prefer to be alone and do his hobby and work. He's a good man and a good dad.

What I have done and hopefully you have done or will do is....move forward in a healthy manner. Have some fun. Fake it if you must. Explore and idea or hobby. Exercise. Do what you need to do. Individual counseling is helpful. If he sees you moving on he may find that attractive. Don't be needy. It sounds like you have pulled back some....good.

Another thing you might do....be busy when he calls. Or if he wants to come over...you can't. Don't always be there for him. He IS being selfish and needs to wake up.
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Old 09-17-2009, 09:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated for a year now...

Thank you for sharing.
Do you feel like there is something not right and it isn't really him feeling this way and maybe something is out of wack that is causing it?
I mean I know that my husbands testosterone levels are low and I can tell he is depressed and he don't even realize it. I feel like I can not give up because that would be like leaving him because he is sick. Does that make sense? My hands are tied. I can't get him to take the meds because he don't believe in mid life crisis. He thinks this is normal and ok to be like this.
He was such a kind caring man, loving father and a wonderful husband. He never has raised his voice to me or anything like that in 24 yrs NEVER. I feel so helpless, I need to be there to help him and he wont let me.
I do work full time and I am going to take a phlebotomy class in Oct so I am continuing with my life it is just so hard to do without him in it. I still get those butterflies when I see him. I never get tired of listening to those stories I have heard for 24 yrs...
His birthday is next month do I send him a card or just go on like it is another day? He text me Happy Birhday on my cell, I cried all day it hurt so bad. I just don't know what to do.

Last edited by CJS; 09-17-2009 at 09:46 AM. Reason: needed to add more
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Old 09-17-2009, 03:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated for a year now...

My H told me the exact same thing. That it is time to make himself happy now. He feels completely justified in doing just that. However he only lasted 8 years married and we have two small children. I wish there was some magical wand to wave over their heads and make them realize what they are doing. It just isn't fair! I took him out to dinner for his birthday with the kids and had a great time. However my birthday is tomorrow and he asked me the other day if I had plans. I was so happy to say no not yet. He said oh good I wanted to know if you needed me to watch the kids cause I have to book the studio that night. So much for that! I have been separated for almost 9 months and I agree with you, I still get butterflies when I see my handsome husband and it just kills me I wish I could throw those butterflies up. Keep us posted and let me know if you come across any helpful hints and I will do the same. I am reading a good book right now called Separated and Waiting by Jan Northington. It is all about the feelings we are going through and how to concentrate on us. Check it out.
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated for a year now...

I would acknowledge is birthday simply. Nothing over the top. A card and cupcake. Simple.
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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btdt.. but I was the one who wanted to live my life.. I was with my bf (common law) for 18 years... I got bored.. I didn't love him like a lover anymore.. I wanted to be free. to live my life.. to have lovers.. etc...

So I left.. he was devastated.. for over 2 years he wished I would return.. I never did..

I left him the house for 4 years.. until he could get back on his feet (mentally) .. he had a huge nervous breakdown.. couldn't work for over a year.. lost 70 lbs.. (he was about 185)... he was shaking.. it was unbelievably hard to everyone to see him like that.. me included...

But I knew he had to overcome his depression by himself..

I also went into depression.. so was it depression that got me to make this 180 turn.. I don't know.. and I guess I will never know for sure.. I had another bf for 5 years a year after my separation.. this guy was 12 years younger.. We lived together for 5 years.. then I left him... I guess I prefer to be single..

All I know now.. is that I'm happier than ever ... since I've been single.. I doubt I would ever want a man full time in my life.. I just don't want to make any commitment anymore.. It's just about ME.. I am selfish.. and intend to stay that way.

I can have all the lovers I want, spend my money as I wish, everything is about me now..

I know it must be extremely hard for you.. but there is not much you can do about it.. you cannot force someone to live with you.. to love you..
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Post Re: Separated for a year now...

WOW I really don't know what to say to that. I could not imagine putting someone through that kind of hurt. I have been with the same man for 24 years and planned on being there another 24 years. I don't think after 5 kids and 8 grandkids there should be any thought of selfishness. Now is the time for us to be setting examples for them. We had a blast together all the time. We had a motorcycle and went on trips now he does that without me. We would go out to dinner or dancing. Now he does that with his friends old and new. Every time I hear a story of what he has been doing it always involves his high school friends. He went to his high school reunion a few weeks ago and it killed my soul to know he was there without me. I think he is just trying to get his youth back and we all know that isnít going to happen. I feel like God has been telling me not to give up, just have faith. My friends and family think I am silly for even thinking that we will ever be together. Only because they know how he is acting now. When we are together it is like we are not apart. We still have a great time together when we do the family things. We still include each other. Our kids say, man this is so confusing, it is like nothing is wrong. Until we all go our separate ways including you mom. Then it is back to being weird again. I feel like this is his evil twin. I so hate this guy he is now, but I love the real man I know is on the inside. I just wish he could find his way out. I wish he would fight this feeling because he really knows it isnít right. He has let the house go and puts most of the money after paying bills into his motorcycle and trips with his buddies from work. I just want to shake some sense into him.
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated for a year now...

Well.. if you like to live in your bubble ... go ahead.. he will probably get out of this 'crisis' when he is old and sick... then you will end up getting him back.. and taking care of him...

I feel sorry for you.. honestly..
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated for a year now...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzie60 View Post
btdt.. but I was the one who wanted to live my life.. I was with my bf (common law) for 18 years... I got bored.. I didn't love him like a lover anymore.. I wanted to be free. to live my life.. to have lovers.. etc...

So I left.. he was devastated.. for over 2 years he wished I would return.. I never did..

I left him the house for 4 years.. until he could get back on his feet (mentally) .. he had a huge nervous breakdown.. couldn't work for over a year.. lost 70 lbs.. (he was about 185)... he was shaking.. it was unbelievably hard to everyone to see him like that.. me included...

But I knew he had to overcome his depression by himself..

I also went into depression.. so was it depression that got me to make this 180 turn.. I don't know.. and I guess I will never know for sure.. I had another bf for 5 years a year after my separation.. this guy was 12 years younger.. We lived together for 5 years.. then I left him... I guess I prefer to be single..

All I know now.. is that I'm happier than ever ... since I've been single.. I doubt I would ever want a man full time in my life.. I just don't want to make any commitment anymore.. It's just about ME.. I am selfish.. and intend to stay that way.

I can have all the lovers I want, spend my money as I wish, everything is about me now..

I know it must be extremely hard for you.. but there is not much you can do about it.. you cannot force someone to live with you.. to love you..
lizzie, imagine yourself hospitalized, bedridden, terminal. you've made your decision to be independent, "have all the lovers you want, spend your money as you wish. everything is about you now." and you are dying. where are your kids, your family? they too have decided to take the same life path. enjoy those last few terminal months. enjoy your freedom and independence.
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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lizzie, imagine yourself hospitalized, bedridden, terminal. you've made your decision to be independent, "have all the lovers you want, spend your money as you wish. everything is about you now." and you are dying. where are your kids, your family? they too have decided to take the same life path. enjoy those last few terminal months. enjoy your freedom and independence.
OMG... does having a partner NOW guarantee you a support if you get sick.. come on now.. be serious..

I have great friends... I have amazing children.. do I really need a spouse.. NO...

I feel sorry for people who thinks that being single is being alone.. NOT at all...
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Lizzie60, You have chosen your life and what you want out of it. I do not judge you for that. I am trying to do what's right also, so please do not judge me for that.
My family is my life the only thing that comes before them is God. I have had a good solid foundation and I want it back. There is nothing wrong with that. My husband is a wonderful man, true what he did is wrong. I will always be here for him no matter what. I hope he does wake up to see what he is missing before it is too late. I do pray you find happiness in whatever you do, but it will be hard if you can't share your life with someone you totally love and trust. Someone you want to share forever with.
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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CJS....keep doing the things that make you happy and healthy.

You will have to be strong for your family and let him go and find his way. He may come back or not. You can't predict and frankly he won't be able to predict either.

I know you have this in your mind of how things were suppose to be. I do also. The game plan has changed.

Even if you come back to a whole marriage...it won't be the original plan. Start planning for yourself. Do something that you always wanted to do. Have some fun. Meet new friends. Let him see you going out and becoming a new person. It may wake him up.
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you, I appreciate sincere advice.
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Lizzie60 View Post
OMG... does having a partner NOW guarantee you a support if you get sick.. come on now.. be serious..

I have great friends... I have amazing children.. do I really need a spouse.. NO...

I feel sorry for people who thinks that being single is being alone.. NOT at all...
no, my point was a "spouse" doesn't really need YOU. especially the you that can cast away the feelings in such a cavalier manner.

and the support you would receive by a loving spouse would be amazing in that time of need. if you don't need it at that time, i guess you don't need it.

and hey, if YOU are happier, if you're ok with being
"selfish," then alright. the world is a great place.
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Old 09-17-2009, 08:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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V: I know what you mean by "support." Only until you get REALLY sick and need someone there for you will you ever understand what it means by "support." Friends will only go so far. Some go further than others but for the most part they have their own lives and families to deal with. I know V that you were sick once and depended upon your wife. You have been there and until someone is in those shoes....they may never know.

Does that mean you need to have a spouse in case you get sick? NO. But it sure lessens the blows in life...to know someone has your back when you are down and out!
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