Guys you are having fun...I have just woken up (remember I am other side of world) ...and was thinking about why I 'wouldn't' give my H the book.
I think it goes something like this....
when my H came back he did love talking to me - but, looking back it was always about 'him'. I mean this in a really profound way.
I think he was able to have those conversations with me because they were versions of the ones that he was having with his therapist...
sometimes i think there was more 'real' emotion - but they too were 'false' ...or at least inapproporiate and damaging for me...
not a "what are we going to do about this?" but this is about me - don't you get it...why don't you get what I am feeling etc etc..
so to come back to the book - if I give it to him isn't it about therapy - doesn't it once again put me in this (falsely) powerful position of a therapist who can sit non-judgementally and give advice?
do you guys get what I am saying...
I guess underneath this for me is that it sends him the message that I see myself like this -
K: Good point. It' like you are the one taking care of him again-like a therapist. I don't know at this point. Who cares what it looks like?
Guess what guys? My H calls again. He wants me to meet with a tax guy alone. I want for both of us to be in front of him. That way we get the info. at the same time by the same guy. My H doesn't get it.
Here's our dialogue:
He says "Ok. Whatever. I'll do it for you. When do you want to
meet him? "
alarms go off in my head) I tell him "You know you are a nice guy? However for years, I had never realized that the nice guy was really being emotionally dishonest for much of the time."
"What's the matter being a nice guy?" He asked.
"Nothing..as long as if it's your true feelings. I don't think you've been true to your feelings for most of our marriage." I said.
I go on.."Just like this tax guy thing. I say I want you there and tell you why. You don't understand but will go if that's what I want. To tell you the truth I would appreciate if you would be honest and tell me you don't want to go or why. Instead.. I get if that's you want. Over the years..it's been like this. Then you hold things in and build resentment."
"What do you mean by resentment." He asked.
"You know like a grudge." I added.
OK. This is how my NG talk went down. The first time he's ever heard those words in that context.
NO. Actually I think it was perfect. You told him the term. Of course he is confusing what being a good person is and what a Nice Guy is like LH. Good person = good. Nice Guy = bad. But you walked him through it without demeaning him or anything. I'm sure he is thinking about this. The only thing to say would have been, Well looking back nothing else. You told nicely to speak his mind. Maybe follow up with you know I can take it, I'm not that fragile.
That is what I thought of my w fragile and fear of rejection.
This is how we speak. I am usually direct and don't demean but I am mostly emotional honest (all the way) with him. Maybe this intimidates him?
Anyway...I hope that he got the a NG is good only if it's honest. I didn't think I was going to really talk about this today with him. It just rang my bell when he said "whatever you want or I'll do it for you." DINGDING...
Gosh. If anything he knows I am NOT fragile. I don't think he was worried about me all of the time while being a NG. It is also being worried about him...being uncomfortable, having to defend himself, etc.
Knor, I know exactly what you mean. But the difference between handing a person a book and acting as there therapist is profound. The book is information. What they choose to do with it is up to them. They can read it and think about it. They can read it and incorporate it. They can read it and disregard it. Or they can toss it on a pile and let it get covered with other junk and never think about it again.
I think that information is good. Awareness is good. But it is up to them to decide if the information has meaning for them and if so, what they're going to do with it.
FA: It could really be anything...approval, fear of rejection, to name a few.
Yes. Especially over the last 10 years..he's become more of a preener. He cares about his looks and clothing and style. He makes sure things are pressed/starched. He doesn't wear T-shirts to casual eating places/home depot/etc as his "clients may see him." He has a persona that he needs to keep up. He said more than once.."I think I'm hot." (kind of jokingly). To me that means I need confidence.
He likes people and generally gets along. He's not much of a listener but would LOVE to be the life of a party. In fact, that was one difference of ours. I can socialize anywhere and anyhow...like him. I don't enjoy having parties, at my house, with friends and aquaintances over (large groups). I'd rather have a few close friends. Even though we are both good at socializing. I enjoy smaller intimate settings and he's like both. But "gets off" with the larger groups.
I agree. He's not totally dressed up going to Home Depot...just not a t-shirt.
I spoke with him today regarding money and division. He gave me a pity party regarding work and boss and company and assets. I listened and asked him 'what would you like to do?" "Be fair." his response.
"What's fair?" He can't tell me.
I asked him "do you want me to walk away with nothing?" "You know I'm not like that?" His NG response. Anymore...I don't know what he's like.
I don't know what to say to him. He wants me to sympathize and normally as his W I would. But, to tell you the truth...I don't feel that it's my place anymore. He's a wounded person right now and I don't know how it benefits him for me to be his "therapist' right now (knortoh's sentiment prior). In my heart, I want to help because I love him. But in my head, he's messed me over by divorcing me and I'm angry.
Join the party. Knortoh asked me a little while ago if I was angry. Yes I am, but more than that I have hatred for her right now. I'm thinking now of going for full custody.
My business partner is helping establish her faults by staking out her place during lunch. That SOB was there helping her load up her stuff for their trip in to WV to see her mom and have a Halloween party. Right not I don't give a rats a@# about her feelings. I don't think I ever will from now on. I know that sounds awful, but she deserves it at this point. She lied. I cannot forgive that until she changes and apologizes.