I saw my H at my D's tennis match. We stood together talking about various things (mostly kids/work/attorneys).
I have a strained neck (after putting my pants on this morning-ha). Anyway, he noticed that I was rubbing it. He offered to give me a massage! I said "no I am oK. He said "really, I don't mind." Anyway, I turned down the offer and told him jokingly how I hurt it getting dressed.
Tomorrow is by b-day and I'm going out with friends tonight. He offered to drive me home if I drank too much. I told him "Im not much of a drinker." He said he didn't know if I'd changed.
On and off, I could tell he woud check me out. You know, ladies, how you can sense the "look."
When I went to leave I said goodbye to my D and my H carried my chair to the car. I told him thank you and he said something else (another look/check out) and then we hugged. He told me happy pre birthday and I left).
Again, he's always been a nice and kind guy. He has no reason not to be nice and kind to me.
Am I reading too much into these actions/words? Am I overanalyzing again? It's those damn mixed messages. Man.
I just meant I hope you can keep those boundaries up....I don't think these guys do this on purpose - they can't help themselves checking us out...it is so clumsy!
we all manipulate things to a certain extent - and I don't get the feeling your H is manipulative or malicious in any way
I think what I meant was it is just more evidence that he hasn't 'separated' .....
and while he is in this ambiguous place (i.e filing for divorce but not fully separated) and while you are seeing eachother on a 'friendly' basis I feel as though you are at risk of having your feelings hurt again....and again
(if he still so emotionally detached/ bereft/ thwarted etc)
so it's just about you and looking after yourself -
I can keep the boundaries..you are right. I don't think he does this on purpose. He just goes with his feelings! As you know they run on "feelings."
No..he isn't manipulative at all. In fact, I don't think he's capable. It's not his nature. Mr. nice guy.
Knortoh...I have to say you are insightful. I DO run the risk of having my feelings hurt. He isn't aware of the "messages" that he sends to me. That was why LMBT was so helpful to me. It allowed me to detach. I couldn't detect which way was up.
I spent so much time during our pre-separation phase feeding on the mixed messages. Afterall, an offer of a back rub must mean he was "interested" right? It WAS like that for many years. This year...it could me JUST what it is...a back rub (no more and no less).
I have clear verbal message. I AM divorcing you.
I have a mixed messages with VERBAL and BODY LANGUAGE.
Legally I have to protect myself.
Emotionally I have to protect myself. I have to assume that any action that he has towards me, that might be inferred as loving or caring or attraction, is just his way or releasing guilt and still loving me as a person.
Unless he tell me something else and ceases for follow through on the divorce. I HAVE to assume that the divorce is occuring.
It's the absolute craziest thing that I've ever seen. I've known many divorced couples (as we all have) and I have never known a couple during the divorce process to behave as we do!!
Yes I am afraid you are correct - at best you have mixed messages - nothing unequivicol - now we are used to this with these guys - but being ambiguous is the number one indicator of passive agressive behaviour.
I have the recent experience with my H coming back -
calling me after a night of intense passion saying it was the 'best night of his life' ...and then 2 months later going again...
he did this to me
I could have protected myself against this (maybe) by having my boundaries set - but I don't know it happened as it happened....
I tend to think now that it precisley because they are so emtionally bereft they can do this stuff
but as you also know I am only capable of reading this stuff through my stuff - but I do feel as though we are 'sisters' of sorts and I don't think I have any trouble empathising with your current place.
there is another way of looking at it and I think you mention it -
is he just getting to 'break-up' the easy way with you?
it's a double edged sword isn't?
I feel exactly the same way with my H - I kind of want to see him and be nice and share stories about the kids etc...and partly my motivation is to make him remember what he is missing - but then I think but I am giving it to him...he is getting to leave and **** me over AND get the pats of the relationship he had no problem with -
so I can only do it if I am doing it for me....
and what does that mean?
I've never been good at knowing that...
CW we are not out of the woods yet -
also I have been thinking that my gut instinct tells me that my H does love me and that he is making a whopping mistake -
but that isn't going to change what is going to happen -
I can't make something happen here -
push, pull, love, ignore....he has left me
it is Saturday morning and I am alone - TRUTH
I went to a party last night and two sleezy guys thought it was fine to hit on me 'cause my H wasn't there - TRUTH
where's my H this morning ?
what's he doing"
I hate the mixed messages and constantly questioning yourself.
He's confused so he's sending confusing signals. What does he expect of you?
I don't get it. It's like the kid from Dan in Real Life says, "love is not a feeling, it's an ability."
knortoh: You always get me to thinking. Your statement "is he just getting to 'break-up' the easy way with you?" Rung a bell.
Is he just exiting the easy/no drama/no conflict way? Food for thought.
dobo: I am crazy right now. You aren't the only one! haha
Today is my birthday. My H dropped my D at the house around noon bearing gifts. I expected that he'd take my D shopping for me. She gave me her gift (flip flops and candle).
He then gave me HIS gift. I nice jounal with Christian saying/quotes on each page. The card read..."Have a great birthday weekend." C This was actually a surprise.
He didn't give me an anniversary present/card at the end of last year or an Valentines card/present or a mother's day gift (the kids did). This is my first gift/card since Christmas.
I keep thinking that he thinks we are on the "friends" track. He'd agree that he loves me. Perhaps like a friend. But he does check my breasts out alot?? Plus, he has smirking that he beginning to do. Maybe he's in such a good mood that he can't contain himself-he's finally getting his divorce? Sheeesh.
Thank you knortoh: I am trying my best to make it a good one. It's the first one without my H. I'd imagine alot of firsts will be coming...first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, etc.
Anyway, you see why I am crazy. I think my H, for some odd reason is starting to break free of his craziness. The market is recovering. He no longer has to deal with kids on a daily basis. He can nap or bike or drink when he feels.
But all of this "recovering" from his craziness is timed to the fact when I began to converse with him like pre-separation days and not LMBT. I also began my friendly banter when I came to the conclusion that the divorce was moving forward and I not longer needed LMBT. She basically he felt comfortable moving forward and then getting the luxury to communicate with me as before.
He looks and sounds better than he has in months or even a year. I can't figure it out.
I still think he's messed up but MAYBE thinking about getting on the rails again.
My mom was here when he dropped off my d and my present. He stayed for awhile. He gave me a warm hug goodbye. I'm sure my mom is thinking WHAT?
This is the first time you mention with your own clarity that you realize that your H loves you! Just pointing that out....
Get a job. Struggling with that one-economy isn't fun here.
Get a house. Probably sooner than later. Already have one in mind.
I look forward to peace and showing my H, along the way, what a "catch" I am. I look forward to finding someone to love me along the way. I won't be looking seriously for along while. I still have my H in my heart. However, there will be a period of time where I will need to mend it.
Serve others. Volunteering for church and another organization.
Get a career (not job). My career path isn't very open as of now. It will be later but in the meantime I need a job.
I also looking forward to building relationships with people who care about one another and aren't superficial.