Letting go or as I say "giving it to God." Same message.
It's a healthy way of controlling what you can't.
I learned many lessons of this with my 20 year old. He was my difficult child to raise.
Now I have another boy to "let go." ha
This isn't the first crisis of this magnitude in my life. I had one in childhood. It tooks me years to come to terms with it. I fought it tooth and nail. I learned to forgive and let go.
This isn't a new lesson for me, but one that I hadn't recognized until lately.
I pray for peace for myself....every day. This is what I feel. I was and still pray for my husband and our relationship but he has free will. God give him that...a choice.
However, I also have free will. When I prayed for peace...it slowly came over me. I chose it.
Knortoh: I think this is becoming our own blog..the Knortoh CorpusWife SHOW! haha
Letting go or as I say "giving it to God." Same message.
It's a healthy way of controlling what you can't.
I learned many lessons of this with my 20 year old. He was my difficult child to raise.
Now I have another boy to "let go." ha
This isn't the first crisis of this magnitude in my life. I had one in childhood. It tooks me years to come to terms with it. I fought it tooth and nail. I learned to forgive and let go.
This isn't a new lesson for me, but one that I hadn't recognized until lately.
I pray for peace for myself....every day. This is what I feel. I was and still pray for my husband and our relationship but he has free will. God give him that...a choice.
However, I also have free will. When I prayed for peace...it slowly came over me. I chose it.
Knortoh: I think this is becoming our own blog..the Knortoh CorpusWife SHOW! haha
CW
Always look forward to reading your posts and the dialogue that we have
think it would make a nice book.
It is my 10th wedding anniversary today and the sky is the same beautiful blue as when we married....
I sensed that there was a story there with your son - but I didn't know that you also had experienced suffering as a child....
I love the idea that you pray for peace
It's the lightness that comes with letting go that I long for -
It's having a light touch on things that I long for...
Seems so incongruent with the practical worries that I have -
that is where I am getting caught up...
but I am reminded of a lovely quote by Simone Weil as I write this ....
I am at work now and can't find it but will send it your way tonight...
"If I light an electric torch at night out of doors I don't judge its power by looking at the bulb, but by seeing how many objects it lights up. The brightness of a source of light is appreaciated by the illumination it projects upon non-luminous objects. The value of a religious or more generally a spiritual way of life is appreaciated by the amount of illumination thrown upon things of this world"
I am not sure why I felt compelled to share this with you -
but hope you like it all the same
have just hung up the phone after talking to my kids -
I feel so awkward talking to them
I don't want to talk to them - I want to be with them
my youngest said that he cried himself to sleep every night because he missed me so much
what does my H think when he sees this?
I still can't believe that he can square doing this to the kids with himself
so much unlike the person who I believed him to be
why is there this assumption that if someone leaves it is
'ultimately all for the best''
"unavoidable"
"just what he had to do"
I think its fair that I learn the lessons in life - but I can't see how what the kids are going through is fair -
I know I am ranting
so hard to let go when this is in the mix...
am wondering what my peace will look like/feel like/ ????
do I just have to trust that he loves them and that he really does have their best interests at heart?
I hope you all know what great comfort I find in these posts and threads. I do not have anyone in my life that can understand the emotional rollercoaster ride so I read your words.
I hope we all find peace. Thank you.
I hope you all know what great comfort I find in these posts and threads. I do not have anyone in my life that can understand the emotional rollercoaster ride so I read your words.
I hope we all find peace. Thank you.
Wren,
we are a community of sorts and somehow we have 'found' eachother. it really helps me too.
I am not sure what you are going through but my thoughts are with you.
I know about talking to to the kids. My D forgets who she is supposed to be with....she will call me after school to tell me she is staying late. I have to tell her..."your dad is picking you up remember." Bless her heart.
It's good that your H still wants a relationship with your boys. Some leave and make a completely new life...the wipe the others out. Just allow your H to have whatever relationship that he will have with your boys. The boys will make their own decision what kind of parent he was growing up.
You will forge your relationship with them as well. They will see you as a strong woman that made it through a difficult time...with grace and dignity. That's important for them to see this...as we all know we faces challenges in life. No one is immune.
Don't worry about the lessons for now. You won't know until much later what they are...Rest assured you are learning them.
Even though I may seem to have things figured out as to why my husband ran away. I will never know for sure. He doesn't know either. He is learning his own lessons. He'll figure out what they are later down the road as well.
What have you been doing for yourself while your boys are away?
What a talent to know how to sew! It's a lost art.
Working out good choice.
I know about being alone. I don't mind alone. I never did. I have friends that would never be alone. My Mom is like that...
I was the opposite. I started to reach out to anyone that I felt was a good person and positive. I invited out them to lunch or coffee or whatever. They are the single girls. I created a good group to hang out with that enjoy all sort of activities. They really opened their arms to me. My friend Teddy has been nothing but supportive and invites to places all of the time. I rarely turn her down. I keep meeting more and more nice people. I've always like a few good friends...never needed many.
Do what you feel that you can. However, people can/surprise you when you reach out. I never imagined the support that I would have.
My H on the other hand....has little support. Perhaps, that the reason why he's not doing well.
Am feeling very stressed and confused today -
trying to write lists
get on top of things
would love someone to talk it out with - confusion seems to creep up on me constantly -
it's as though I don't know how to prioritise/ decide anything -
I have had a lot of support from some lovely people - most of them that I have known through work.
I don't have a lot of 'single' friends...
my family have been great - but are fatigued with me and honestly don't get 'it'
my H's family is supportive - but they obviously want J to be happy....and are very non-judgmental of him (due to the difficult upbringing etc) and the fact he is a sweet and kind guy.
They are upset with him for 'how' he has done this - is doing this - but not necessarily for doing this .....
so many conflicting feelings -
missing being able to love him for who he is so much
am so sick of having think about everything - especially 'how' I deal with him
just want to sit down and be straight - and go through things
sick of talking about him and not to him ....
it's as though why am I doing all this other stuff when really what I need to be doing is sorting stuff out with him
am not coping with the lack of routine, predictability, really struggling today
Am in great need of strength - have agreed to meet H tomorrow.
Still find just seeing him incredibly painful and in addition he has behaved pretty much like a sulky adolescent throughout.
My counsellor just keeps on saying
" I am sorry you have a boy there"
It is my start of trying to negotiate with this sulky boy -
I want to be calm, peaceful, easy going - I need to let him think that I am doing well - if he sees me suffering he just acts worse...gets more defensive etc...
knortoh: Good plan on the meeting! Do what you need to do....pamper yourself prior to meeting him. Do what makes you feel better. Listen to upbeat music before you meet him. Get pumped up!
Show him how well you are doing. Maybe you met someone? Why are you outgoing and happy? Don't be too desciptive with your days/nights? When he asks what have you been up to-----say "no good" and laugh! haha When he asks how are you doing-----say "really good!" haha
Fake it girl! Show him that you are kicking azz in life! I BET he isn't having that much fun!!
He's probably expecting you to be depressed. He may expect you to bawl. If you cry, no big deal. I ALWAYS tell myself that I WILL NOT cry in front of him. I do. Last meeting it was just a little tears and I went out being awesome!!
Dear Girls, thank you so much for your words of advice and support....
can't tell you how much it means to me..
reason for meeting - well I think there are two very different agendas...
I emailed him (very friendly) and said
"now that we are separated and I know we both love our boys very much I am keen to discuss some big picture stuff about them" -
problem is he emailed me back straight away (most unusual) and said yes I'd like to meet we also need to discuss financial stuff.
the fact that he emailed me back straight away and wants to meet today means that he is desperate and very worried about money.
he is a massive avoider - so he will only do things when he finds himself is a corner at these times he acts impulsivley
so we are meeting with two very different agendas
he wants to pressure me to sell the house - (which would relieve him of immediate financial strain)
I want him to start thinking about ways in which we might work together productively to hold onto house for boys
I am not optimistic anything 'real' could be acheived today -
so I guess I want to be strong and not be pressured
and I want to try and tell him that I am going to be calm, reasonable, and that I am approachable and easygoing - if he wants to act 'in kind' we may get somewhere.
but if he is continuing with the sulky teenager routine...well...
What are your wishes regarding the house? Can you financially hold onto the house? What if he decided he can't keep up with helping toward the house?
I hate for you to be in dire straits if he decides to quit paying like he has...He may end up saying he just can't do it anymore financially. Be prepared for that. If so, then keeping the house will mean struggles for you. Losing the house will be even more trauma. What are you options regarding living arrangement if the house HAS to be sold?
Of course, it better to have the boys in their home. However, it may not work. Prepare youself for the worse
This is what I've done all along. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best.
You are right....the financial stuff is probably killing him at this point.
Re: think I am going mad - anyone else had this?
