knortoh

Sure is - otherwise he would not be wanting to meet!

am tempted to text him and say it is off for today -

am I being a coward?

am I just not prepared?

Corpuswife

Well you are prepared! What you told me is as prepared as you will be given the circumstances. Nothing is final regarding a divorce and you are in separation mode.

Try to get a figure from him. If you don't want the house sold before the divorce...tell him. It won't hurt to talk.

Corpuswife

knortoh: I got to thinking about you tonight. I am feeling a bit out of sorts. I got to thinking about how awful it was for your H to say he hadn't loved you in 10 years! That probably was the most selfish, mean statement that he could have ever said.

I am not sure if he meant it to hurt you. I am not sure if he wanted to make you angry enough to leave him. That statement alone must have hurt you to the core and made you wonder if everything was a total LIE!

He is a selfish mean man. Right now in whatever mental state that he's in (midlife/depression/euphoric), I pray that you will be able to gather your thoughts. Your life will be better without a man in this current state.

That fact is, when he came back the first time, professing his LOVE again showed his true colors. He doesn't know what in the heck he's feeling. It changes all of the time.

I hate the word VICTIM. I don't want to behave in that role. However, I don't have a good enough word to describe our roles. We are victims here. At the mercy of a spouse that promised us a lifelong partner, had children and home with us, but when things got tough couldn't handle it. Now we are to pick up the pieces and take their SH_T..whenever they feel like spewing.

Our lives will eventually get better. It's the in between time that sucks.

knortoh

I agree we are 'victims' of circumstance -
we are not playing the victim - looking for sympathy saying poor me -

our H's are both far more 'victims' than either of us.

Do you know one of my dear sisters told me that she though I was being a victim a few weeks ago - ouch

I don't agree, but I will never tell her that. Mainly ironically enough because I think it would hurt her to know that she had hurt me - I think she was just feeling desperate and had heard too much SH** that I should have left for my counsellor....

I tend to agree my H is SELFISH - but I am going to enter that in a new post...

knortoh

I met with my H today.

I took your advice and dressed well. I wore a man's shirt in the vague hope that he may wonder if it belonged to the new man in my life - it was a pathetic really but it gave me a kick anyway!

At first we talked about the weather (has my life come to this I thought?)

I felt pretty awkward and thought I was going to start crying.

I didn't!

I remembered why I was there - to get what I want!

J asked me what I meant by 'big picture' stuff.
I said that I wanted to talk about what we wanted for the kids - and how we were going to provide that now that we were separated....

J said "I just want them to be happy"..........

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

he told me he was angry that I had got counselling for them without consulting him -

(can i just say that I did tell him - via email and I tempted to find it and resend it - but that would be petty)

we chatted about them for a while - what we are worried about etc - some of the happier stuff.

I was very good natured and kind to him.

I told him that Vincey had written a song called "I'm just not that into you" we both managed to have a laugh about this which I think is pretty big of me considering the circumstances!

I also asked him if he liked his father's day present which was a dart board - I said that I had thought about sticking my face in the middle - he got embarrassed and said he wasn't angry with me and that he had no right to be angry with me.....

sad thing is that I don't believe a word that he says anymore.

not a word.

anyway I eventually shifted the conversation around to asking him to consider us working together on keeping the house.

he started to get stressed/angry immediately
he stopped looking at me and started frowning -

he wasn't happy - I'd guess he was ANGRY!

anyway as I suspected all he is worried about is paying his credit card debt and buying a new car - selling the house would be his mealticket there...

when I asked him to work out how much money he was willing to pay in child support he balked -

he said he didn't knwo how to work it out -

this is not true - he is just lazy and doesn't want to commit to any details in life

he's so happy to say " I'd never leave you in the lurch"
"you cna have the house"

then, just so I knew he was being really insincere he said I think I'll go and work in the middle east for 6 months -

this is a favourite of his throughout the separation. If I thought he meant it in the slightest I would buy him a one way ticket and drive him to the airport!

but it's lipservcie to his dad who thinks this would be the manly thing to do...........

nothing REAL with this man - all grand statements -

no substance

we spoke about other stuff -

I am ashamed to say I asked him about OW he said it was 'nothing' - that he wasn't seeing anyone -

whatever -

he would say anything - he wants me to sell that HOUSE!

I thought that I didn't have anything he needs - but he does need me to sign those papers.....

I got home and felt good and then bad

part of why I felt good was because I think I started a dialogue (maybe) and I am sorry to say that part of why I felt good was because I got to see him....

sad isn't it?

we are messy messy people
love is illogical

thanks for listening

Corpuswife

Sometimes wouldn't it be fun to be sarcastic and rude to their face!

When he said he'd work in the middle east for 6 months-"what's stopping you!"

You were strong at that meeting.

You told him what you wanted. He wants a new car! OH WELL! Maybe the OW can get him one!haha

It's funny that they want to be separated but want you to be in touch regarding the kids "details."

His questions regarding the kids counseling and you not contacting him...oh well..that's how it goes when you are separated/divorced you don't always get a say in what the other does....

knortoh

Yes quite!

Still going through stuff from yesterday -

Some good outcomes from meeting some not so good -

I remember the feeling the first time he left - you are still the wife - he still wants you to look after the kids when he plays baseball -

I think he gained a bit of ground with all this stuff yesterday -

I don't know how long it will last - but I have offered to do a whole lot of looking after when he can't have them....

Perhaps as time goes on and I have more defined life outside of just being the jilted wife he will have to step up a bit more

Do I think this is really going to happen????

Nope - the difference is that I put the kids first.

You know I asked him if he was 'happier'

he said "well at first I was relieved but no, I have been struggling - feeling very gulity - I haven't been very nice to you" have felt like

'topping myself' -

also something he says to me from time to time and which his family and perhaps his counsellor buys into

it is CRAP

so now I am supposed to feel sorry for him because he can't move on because he feels so guilty because he was so awful to me -

UUUUUUGGHHHHHH

if he is sorry and feeling guilty he could make himself and me feel a whole bunch better by actually helping me work out how I am going to survive financially etc.

instead he is just saying it's too hard -

we have a TV show here called

STUPID STUPID MAN

that's all I can think of today.

do you know the other thing?

he told me how badly he was doing but didn't ask me about me -
HE is profoundly uninterested in me -

Corpuswife

Grrr. Yes, even when my H was living with me he didn't always ask me about myself or my day. Sometimes he'd catch himself and ask "oh, enough about me..how was your day?" I'd say "oh fine." I said fine because if I decided to tell a cute story or whatever he'd get a glazed look in his eye (too much information). Afterall my story wasn't about him.

By the way, I guess in my second to last phone call I got my message across regarding the boundaries we set (serving papers without letting me know and the money spent on a hunting lease trailer). I told him that he floundered on both of those agreements. I was disappointed that he did these things. He apologized.

The last converstion he MADE it a point to say he was meeting with an attorney and I could come along this week. He said I know you want to be in the "loop." No SH_T! Such a thoughtful man.

So, your H isn't happy? What's his point then?

I wanted so bad to tell my H...are you happier than 2 years ago? When did you decide that you could toss the promise that you made to God and me? Is this financial cut worth it to you? Is it worth that you D and S come from a divorce family? What legency do you think you are giving your children? Their parents couldn't stick it out, so why do they think they should? Disposable marriages.

knortoh

Yep to all the above.

Am having a 'real' moment -
nothing matters except they don't want to do it -
reasons don't matter -

my H told me has doing a 'learned optimism' thing with our eldest son...

that things are **** now but they'll be better -

does he know how much it ****s me to hear him say that?

knortoh

I think I am feeling bitter because I know the only reason he met with me was because he was worried about money....

knortoh

How weird is it, how much energy does it take to learn to 'deal' with our husbands in the way that we have to?

so tired want to escape

Corpuswife

Escaping would be nice! I think of moving off to work. OK. Reality checks in "I have kids!"

I think it may be easy to deal once we detach ourselves more.

For me, I keep hoping things will change. Knowing that nothing will change. In fact, since this nightmare began nothing has changed except me.

knortoh

Yes detachment would be great -

somehow though I think with you and I it is gonna take a bit of time -

we are too connected

Corpuswife

You are right. Of course, we'll always be connected married with kids. You can't undo that...

I guess my H is calling the tax guy and attorney today? He is going to try to get an appointment this week. I can't wait to get this over with...it's like he is going full on toward this divorce now.

If I were ever to have a chance at reconciliation it will be after the divorce. He can't get anything out of his mind but taking care of this "business." I am the same way regarding business, but THIS business is a BIT different. We both are driven people in different ways.

Don't get me wrong..I am not waiting on him.

Funny thing, I need a new cell phone. I wasn't sure what to do as if I do the free phone it extends our contract for 2 years. I talked to him about it. He said "I don't care if you are on the plan, you do what makes you feel comfortable. I don't mind paying for it after the divorce, if you want to stay on the plan."

These little details all swirling in my mind. Stay on the same phone plan with him (free) and remained "tied." Or get my own plan. I think I am too cheap to turn down a free phone! haha

knortoh

Corpus, I think in your case you are correct -
I think he has to truly believe it is over and if he straightforward and efficient this is exactly how he will do it -
at least you know it will be doen properly!

What a messy messy business though - it' s not business as we know it - there are in fact no clean lines or due dates -

and once again it's the details
(my advice - go for the free phone!)
I am staying on the health insurance for as long as I can - !)
let's be practical!


I have so wished that I had enough money to have my 'business' taken care of by professionals - and I have seen my accountant twice and a solicitor

but the fact is it would make poor 'business' sense to hand it over to them -

so I am left handling the negotiations with 'the boy' myself.

am learning so much.

work up this morning beginning to see things clearly -

by this I mean I am starting to see things through my own lenses and not those where I am 'feeling sorry' for J.

Interesting -

I need to write it all down before the day and emotion clouds my head.

I am thinking of you