knortoh

right now I regret seeing H on Sunday.

hearing him say how much he'd hurt me and how gulity he felt opened the wounds

sharing kind words opened the wound

hope he is hurting a lot

I really do

does this mean that I can only choose between anger and sadness?

I feel so sad and I feel just sad about the whole situation

Corpuswife

It hurts every time I see or talk to my H. I have to say, when I hear he is in pain, it comforts me in some strange way.

Even though, I know he is suffering, when he tells me he's suffering it makes me feel like I'm not the only one.

However, tonight I am back to my peaceful mode after I spoke to him. I had sadness and anger for the past day. I hate those emotions. I've gotten tired and worn out from them.

Perhaps you will gain some peace along the way. As you start gaining more control of what you can, you start gaining peace. It's when I feel out of control...such as when I saw him at his condo with the bikers on the floor. That is when it turned sad/angry.

How long has he been out of the house? Do you still have hope in your heart?

knortoh

He's been gone over 3 months - no I don't have any realistic hope. He swore that he wasn't seeing the OW yesterday - that it was all nothing - does this make me feel better or worse?
I guess if this is the case it makes me feel a little better and a little worse. But I honestly don't trust his words
and I am not at all sure that he is capabel of being honest with himself.

But I guess part of me does have hope - because I still love him.

I miss his spirit, his soul - his kindness and gentleness and his goodness. AT these times I think everything he has said is true - he really never 'quite' loved me - it was never 'quite enough' and he tried in his own way and he never meant to hurt me....

don't know today

knortoh

Okay, now here's the problem today.

Am i just being sucked into his stuff again?

While it is true that I can't afford to use solicitors I could go back to the women's legal service that is free - (not always consistent but FREE).

Is it that using solicitors makes me feel mean?

I have had one meeting with a solicitor and they drew up a letter to send him - and I read it and I just felt sick pretty much and I knew that he would be furious -

and I wanted to avoid this.

I am so so confused - how do I keep it clean for the sake of the kids -

I guess the kids don't need us to be friends - they just need us to be friendly -

am I whimping out on this stuff?

am I avoiding it as much as he is?

do I just think it's not me? I don't want to be this person who fights...

but this is a big nonsense isn't it?

I am one messed up person -

I think I am secretly hoping that he will just change his mind -

and yet in a way I don't see how he will ever really respect me unless I get tough with him -

any advice ?

Corpuswife

I don't think you are messed up. All of your questions are logical. Your situation is messed up!

It's the double edged sword. You need to protect yourself but you don't want to make him mad enough to NEVER want to reconcile. It's the secret hope that lays in your heart.

I have the secret hope. We aren't the only one.

Since he can't give you any information other than "sell the house." Since he doesn't want to deal with financial matters forthright. I don't see any choice.

I think it's a matter of protecting yourself and respect.

You can do this in a friendly and professional way. He will probably get angry as it's NOT on HIS terms. OH MY!!! They have been making ALL of their moves based upon when they FELT like it.

You are using your head at this point. Better to take care of your financial arrangements and legalities with your head and not your heart.

I think this is a smart move on your part.

Feelingalone

K and CW,

Thought I'd chime in a little. CW, keep doing what you are doing. You are doing this as best can be given the circumstances. K, need to forget the OW. Doesn't help to think about it. I know, been there regarding the OM. Ask CW, she'll tell you a little of my thoughts on Os.

Keep up the work girls. Sometimes none of us realize it, but we are on the path to better selves.

__________________
Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.

Corpuswife

I think you're right FA....better selves.

knortoh

FA and CW
thank you -

respect

how do I treat myself with the respect that I deserve?

that's what I want to think about today and that is how I am going to try and make my decisions....

if I come back to myself and am honest about my motivations for my self....

it is advice I give to my kids all the time -

look after your own behaviour, not your brothers.....

I am going to need some more help as I try to connect this
'big idea' - RESPECT to the practicalities of the situation....

FA - are you saying forget the OW -
s because the only thing that matters is ME?

CW are you saying go the legal route?
a friend of mine was here yesterday and she was pretty much saying the same thing -

she said if it gets tricky and you and J can't talk to eachother at all for a while - just sutdown with the kids and explain that this is how it is for a while.....

Corpuswife

The legal route? I'm not sure how the legalities are with your separation. I am also not sure how comfortable you feel with your H.

The main thing, that I would NOT like to see, is your H stop making payments or contributions to the household because he NEEDS another car or can't afford to.

There wouldn't be anything wrong with talking to a solicitor. Getting the facts. Putting something down on paper do say he needs to contribute X amount. Of course, you know your H better. Maybe it's not needed. For my H, it wasn't needed.

What are your fears?

knortoh

Well he's not a bad person

not by a long shot - so I'm not worried about him doing me over completely

BUT he is inattentive to details and is very self-centred at the moment - duuuhhhhh.

I seem to have more faith in his ability to 'do the right thing' than my counsellor and my family - which just makes me think that I am acting on emotional stuff and not using my brain here...

So I guess the dynamic is that I keep on being open, honest, approaching him with the expectation that he acts in a like way - but my counsellor thinks I pretty much get trampled on when that happens....

maybe not because he is not fair - but just because he's on this 'me' trip.....????

Corpuswife

I see...he's being selfish and thinking of himself. Will he get to a point, where it crosses over to his financial support? That's a valid question.

I'd talk to a solicitor at the very least to find out your rights. Decide what you want to do later.

knortoh

Yes it will - because he will get into a mess - and when he does
he acts impulsively

e.g leaves the marriage.
rents a house he can't afford etc.

Just like you I have guided him -

without me it will be a "series of unfortunate events" I have no doubt!

when the car breaks down what will he do pay me or buy a car?
buy a car of course !

his excuse -

the only one he ever uses:

"K, I had no choice".....

better protect myself!

knortoh

Am feeling much much worse tonight than I have for a long time -

am buckling under pressure to sort everything and this just leaves no room for my emotional struggle

so sick of having to be the grown up one -

everyone thinks that I can handle it and sort it and I just don't want to anymore

I want to escape to a place where I can just be hurt...and not have to be responsible for fixing the mess....

I asked my counsellor today what I did - how I found myself here -

she said

"You fell in love with a very damaged person with whom you shared a whole life philosophy, but who was really a boy ....that's all"

I think then I just started hurting so bad -

he hasn't been able to 'grow up' with me

and he doesn't want to try -

he wants to grow up with 'someone else"

I feel like I have failed -

I feel ashamed for my kids - that I couldn't even give them a happy family life -

I am not materialistic - I am not career driven - ever since i met J I was happy to have a family and even if things weren;t perfect in the world I always thought -

I have this perfect little family -

nothing gets better or richer or sweeter

I was so proud of 'us' and the kidn way we lived our life -

and the light in our children's eyes

but I was mistaken it was a lie ...

Corpuswife

knortoh:

You H wasn't/isn't capable at this point to grow up into a man.

He doesn't have the skills, isn't working toward gaining the skills, and is merely acting upon impulse and/or feelings (boylike).

He won't grow up with anyone else. Really...you have a history and children. If he was going to grow it would have been during this time.

He may not have the capacity to be mature.

Don't be ashamed. It wasn't you. You stuck in there. You did everything you could. No regrets. You couldn't change him. You couldn't make him stay.

Let the kids come to their own conclusions. They will know which parent they can depend upon. Really.

It's the death of a dream.

You should protect yourself. Don't depend upon him to do the right thing.

Feelingalone

K,

To answer your question of me regarding the OW. Yes, focus in on you and not her. If you focus in on her it eats you alive with the what are they doing, etc. I know -- I've been there.

Don't blame yourself or feel ashamed about what is happening. As I've come to find out during my struggles - there are a lot more people going through similar things all around you. I was amazed at that.

Don't blame yourself. It took 2 people to make this mess -- not 1. No matter what you think or your H thinks that is true. I've felt all the same emotions as you have regarding this and when it is all said and done it takes 2 to sort our the mess as well. The other person has to take responsibility for their actions.

CW is right the kids will know. Just focus on yourself as hard as that is right now.

I wish there was a magic pill that just resolved things like this, but there isn't. One day there will be peace in your life again, if you allow it.

__________________
Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.