I went to my sister's 50th birthday party tonight.
I made myself a new dress and arrived early.
I was cheerful and pleasant - and danced all night to the band -
I got everyone up on the dancefloor - (felt very liberating)
towards the end of the night I went to the kitchen to do the dishes.
I was chanced upon by two guys!
One is husband of a friend who is just 'sleezy' he did the dishes with me and it was fine - I felt uncomfortable but was handling myself...when the next thing I know my brother-in-law's brother who is a creep of the highest order came up behind me hugged me and slobbered on my neck and whispered in my ear how
'sad' he was to hear my news.
I managed to release myself - which wasn't easy and said
'that's ok sh*t happens even to good people'
and then I looked at both of them and said
"who needs a f***ing man anyway"? and stormed out.....
thank you wren - I also love your name - not sure whether it has anything to do with the bird - we have these beautiful little blue wrens in Australia ...
ok
now I know it's not wise but I had long conversation with my father-in-law tonight - he's lovely and he loves me as a daughter and we have always been close - but my H is his only son....and I guess you know where I am going with this.
anyway I tried to broach the subject of finances as I thought that my FIL might be able to help me makes sense of my H's seeming 'inability' to grasp what needs to be done in order to separate - but ain't it the way - no-one really knows your partner like you do.
it was fine that he didn't know what I was talking about
but it's always the way that people make 'light' of our situation -
him saying "oh well you two just get on so well I know you aren't going to fight about things"
and then " I think J is very lonely and I am sure that there is 'no-one else (OW)...."
and then commenting that he thought the kids were "better than ever" as though our break up had been good for them....
he's a lovely man and he has been through a lot mor cr** than I have known -
but it still hurts -
when will I learn...
I am beginning to see that your relationship with everyone changes....
I went out with my in-laws for lunch last night. Even though, I know his mom and dad are HIGHLY disappointed in his choices. They would NEVER tell me or my H this....
They are keeping very neutral. He was raised as an only child (2nd marriages for them). It drives me crazy that they won't talk to him and help him sort things out. They have never been a family that confides in each other. That is a huge reason why my H doesn't have the skills of conflict and comfrontation. He didn't grow up that way.
It sounds like your H's family might be a little of the same. I hear the "everything is going to work out" motto shining through your posts as your were telling about your FIL. My in-laws are the same way....especially my FIL.
My h has always said that I was closer to his parents then him. I feel bad for that statement. He is really closer to ME than anyone. My H loves his parents but feel that his parents have never been up to "bat" for him.
I think you are right we really do know our H's better than their family.
Yeah! I was just lying in bed thinking how can his dad be neutral about us having to sell home, or neutral about kids growing up this way, or so keen to think there is someone else to say to me how 'lonely' and 'sad' and 'stressed' J is as well.......
I am an idiot -
everyone in his family is just saying poor J just like I did for years...what is it about this guy? why does everyone want to protect him..................including me for 14 years
The want to protect him because he is a "nice" guy. Plus, the family component is also strong as well.
What is so poor about J? How would they have seen J's life during the marriage? Why would they feel sorry for him? Did he come across as a weak person?
Well he is boyish...and 'nice' and gentle and kind ....
and there is an overwhelming concensus that he suffered very badly at the hands of his mum....missed out on vital parenting - her madness meant that she was cruel...
But in terms of the marriage it has been a good one - don't think for a second that his family consider that I have been bad aprtner or haven't had best interests at heart...
but I think they chalk it down to his upbringing
and the pity falls into two camps...
1. his dad - feels sorry for him that he hasn't been able to maintain happiness with me who knows why?
2. his big sister who (i think) buys his whole story of never having loved me and having stayed with me out of a sense of duty....(she calls it playing a role)
so no matter what they feel sorry for him and even his sister Paula who really is much more sympathetic to me says that she feels like protecting him...
My Dad came across as your husband does. My Dad's mom had schizophrenia and 6 kids. She was married but the H couldn't take care of them. All 6 kids ended up being adopted. My dad was 13 years old.
My Dad wasn't very good in social skills. He could work and hold down a job. He was shy or meek. He also was strange. I never connected to him. We don't have a relationship to this day. My parents divorced when I was 15.
During the divorce process...everyone felt sorry for my dad. He wasn't the best husband (drink/affairs/jail) but the WAY he came across. So shy, nice, quiet....even the judge and jury (yes) in the courtroom felt bad for him.
Even to this days, it's "poor E" from my MOM!!! Oh my.
I never felt bad for him. We all have issues in our lives...bad marriages, bad childhoods, bad jobs. He wasn't a good dad or husband.
I think some people give off the vibe of "poor me."
Thanks Corpus,
wow that;s an amazing story about your family -
lives upon lives of complex stuff
sounds like you had a challenging childhood
and some experience of the 'poor me' outlook
Sure with J it's the vibe - women in particualr pick up on it whereas men usually just think of him as a "helluva nice guy" if someone has free tickets to the football they'll invite John -
and in so many ways he is a good person and wonderful with kids etc...
but this is not the only side to him - I have seen the stubborn and passive agressive side as well....
well as you have said we all have good and bad in us...
I have been thinking about all the financial stuff and i have realised that I am expecting him to behave in a way that siply won't happen.
It is not so much that he isn't 'being reasonable' it is much more that he doesn't see things the way I do and he has very underdeveloped life skills in this area.
Is this because I have compensated for him?
Perhaps - but now is his chance to step up!
I have always been aware of his shortcomings as regards money etc and I have been more than happy to not worry about them as his other qualities are way more important.
He will be reeling with the fact that I am now 'expecting' him to think about long term stuff and committ to things beyond a month....
So should I just 'give up' with this ?
Just accept I am divorcing the man I married -
He thinks he'll be different - he thinks it means he is grown up - but I am slowly gathering evidence that he isnt' changing all that much -
only his circumstances....
I really am beginning to think I just need to hand it over to a solicitor -
he is going to be impossible to negotiate with -
but he still has a week to get back to me
I think all in all your guy is much more 'grown up"
"I have been thinking about all the financial stuff and i have realised that I am expecting him to behave in a way that siply won't happen.
It is not so much that he isn't 'being reasonable' it is much more that he doesn't see things the way I do and he has very underdeveloped life skills in this area.
Is this because I have compensated for him?
Perhaps - but now is his chance to step up! "
You are starting to gain some clarity on your H's life outlook and how you may have contributed. That is a good start.
Given what you told me and if he's like my H....he won't change. You are right to push the financials as this is your family and you need some future bearing (more than a month to month basis). If he gets a girlfriend and decided that he can "short" you the next month....you are in a bind.
I'd get some legalities going, if he doesn't present you with much in a week. This may put him in crisis mode. I think crisis mode is GOOD. It's my belief that people are more likely to change when there is crisis.
I look at pivotal times in my life and marriage...each time there was change-there was ALSO crisis involved!
Re: think I am going mad - anyone else had this?
